How to Ask for What You Want Sexually: A Guide to Being Sexually Assertive

Communicating what you want sexually is an integral part of a healthy and satisfying sex life. There are many potential reasons behind why it can feel awkward to communicate about sex including sexual shame, fear of rejection or vulnerability, and sexual trauma. Sexual communication is an important skill that requires practice. You can improve your sexual communication and start your journey to a more satisfying sex life by using these tips.        

Talk about your desires, curiosities, and boundaries before, during and after sex

Communication should happen before, during, and after sex. Talking about sex beforehand serves to establish your desires and what you want to try. Talking about what is and is not working during sex helps you course-correct if something does not feel the way you want it to feel. Talking about it afterwards allows you to give feedback about what did and did not work for you so you can improve upon it in the future. When giving feedback, try to reinforce what is working for you before discussing what needs to change.  

Experiment with different tools and forms of communication

Sometimes verbalizing your desires makes communicating them even more intimidating. Luckily, there are more ways to communicate than saying them out loud. You could try writing down what you want before sharing it with a partner either on paper or through sexting. Alternatively, you can utilize a sex compatibility quiz. Finally, try establishing non-verbal cues for communicating during sex such as a double tap on the shoulder to take a pause.

Take responsibility for your own pleasure

As much as you may wish your partner could read your mind, they cannot. You are ultimately responsible for your pleasure. Many people get caught up in anxiety about pleasing their partner and do not advocate for themselves, which negatively impacts everyone involved. Reframe your perspective on expressing what you want as a favor to your partner instead of thinking it is burdensome for them. No one wants to play guessing games when you are trying to be intimate, so being transparent about what you want helps your partner, it does not burden them.

TLDR

It is natural to be intimidated by the idea of communicating your sexual desires. Being vulnerable means that you are putting yourself out there at the risk of being hurt to gain the opportunity to be understood. Communication is an important part of enhancing your sexual relationships and openly communicating can help you become more sexually assertive over time and in turn, have more fulfilling sex. If you find sexual communication to be challenging, try speaking with a sex therapist who can help you unpack the source of the difficulty and learn new communication skills.  

How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

Practical Tips for Learning What You Like in Bed

Read and watch erotica

“Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

• Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

• Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

• How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

• Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

• Do you like dirty talk?

• Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

• How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

• How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

• What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

• Do you want to be penetrated?

• What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

3 Tips for Creating a Healthy Relationship

Healthy relationships are built, not automatic. Creating and maintaining a healthy relationship takes intentional effort. Yet, many people lack the knowledge and skills to build this kind of relationship because it is not usually explicitly taught. This lack of knowledge can lead to common pitfalls, miscommunication, and unmet needs, jeopardizing the relationship's health. This article will cover critical practices for creating and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.  

1. Prioritize communication

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It is nearly impossible to maintain a healthy connection without the ability to express boundaries, preferences, and disagreements. Regular, open dialogue helps to build a foundation of trust and understanding. When all partners feel heard and valued, they can constructively approach issues together. Sharing thoughts and feelings is the best way to develop a deeper connection. With healthy communication, you can tackle almost any problem that comes your way as a team. 

How to communicate effectively

• Avoid yelling, passive aggression, and the (unexplained) silent treatment. If you need to, take a step back and use emotional regulation techniques until you are ready to have an effective conversation.

• Focus on approaching the problem at hand as a team rather than thinking of your partner as an opponent.

• Speak from the "I" perspective and how you are feeling instead of attacking your partner.

2. Develop emotional responsiveness 

A plethora of scientific research discuss how emotional responsiveness is fundamental to long-term relationship satisfaction. Emotional responsiveness is the ongoing, mutual maintenance of an emotional connection. Partners who are emotionally responsive tend to feel more secure and report a stronger relationship overall. Three key components of emotional responsiveness are accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. Accessibility means that partners are open with each other even during moments of distress. Responsiveness means that partners are in tune with each others' emotions and respond in a validating way. Finally, engagement is giving special attention to your partner. If you want to evaluate emotional responsiveness in your relationship, check out Dr. Sue Johnson’s questionnaire.

How to cultivate emotional responsiveness

• Check in with your partner about the best way to support them during times of distress.

• Make consistent small gestures like buying your partner flowers or doing the dishes after they have had a long day to remind them that you are thinking of them.

• Reinforce the security of the relationship verbally, with physical affection, or acts of service when possible.

3. Clearly state your boundaries

Boundaries determine what is and is not okay within a relationship and are a vital part of any relationship. Not everyone knows how to set boundaries or even know what boundaries they need in the first place, so the first step is to figure out what you do and do not want and need. Effective communication helps your partner understand your boundaries; if they fail to respect your boundaries, that is a red flag. Truly supportive people who are invested in your well-being will be grateful for the guidance and respect your needs.

How to set boundaries

• Be as clear and straightforward as possible, and try not to let discomfort interfere with establishing boundaries

• Habitually check in with your partner about their boundaries and avoid making assumptions about their boundaries 

• Make a plan ahead of time for handling boundary violations 

TLDR

Creating a healthy relationship is not a destination but a continuous journey that requires maintenance. The journey is not always easy, but its challenges present the opportunity for growth and a deeper connection. If you want more relationship support along the way, consider reaching out to a relationship therapist.