What is DTR? How to Define the Relationship and When to have the Conversation

Dating is an exciting experience that often comes with uncertainty. A common challenge while dating is the need to define the relationship, otherwise known by the slang term “DTR”. Making sure you and any potential partner are on the same page is integral to the success of the relationship. The DTR conversation is a pivotal moment where the people involved in the relationship get to discuss and establish expectations, commitments, intentions, and desires. It can help the individuals involved gain clarity and avoid misunderstandings, laying the groundwork for a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship. This article provides guidance on how to approach DTR conversations, what to discuss, and the appropriate timing for this important discussion. 

How do you have a DTR conversation? 

When most people think of a DTR conversation, they envision a casual dating scenario transitioning into a long term, monogamous relationship but this does not necessarily need to be the case. The only unifying trait of all DTR conversations is the ultimate result, but the desire to ensure everyone is on the same page about the future of the relationship.  

Bringing up the DTR conversation can be nerve racking because of the uncertainty. No one wants to be rejected and having a DTR conversation risks rejection and conflict. Unfortunately, if you would like the relationship to continue, the DTR conversation is inevitable.  

Once you feel ready to have the conversation, you may not necessarily know how to go about it. Here are some tips for fostering an effective conversation:

Find a comfortable, private space without distractions.

This is an important conversation that deserves everyone’s full attention, so having a private and comfortable space helps to set the tone.

Be genuine and honest.

Being vulnerable is scary but if you cannot be open and honest, it is unrealistic to expect that you will get full honesty in return.

Avoid making assumptions.

It is tempting to try to “mindread” what someone else is thinking or feeling about you when you have not had the opportunity to hear those thoughts from them firsthand. The danger of making and expressing those assumptions, however, is that if they are wrong it could insult the person or complicate the conversation.

Use “I” statements.

Framing your thoughts and questions from your own perspective and emotions can prevent coming across confrontational or accusatory. 

What do you need to discuss in a DTR conversation? 

Once you have an idea of how to prepare for this conversation, you might be wondering what you need to discuss specifically. Topics to consider touching on include:

• Exclusivity and/or monogamy. Discuss whether you want to be exclusive and monogamous or practice some form of non-monogamy.

• Commitment level. Decide what level of responsibility you have to each other and what committing means. Are you looking for something serious and long term or casual and short term? What responsibility do you expect from each other?

• Relationship goals. It is important to express to each other what you envision in your future and how a partner would - or would not - ideally fit into your life. Some people, for example, want marriage and/or kids, while others see themselves casually dating for the foreseeable future. Understanding each other’s short and long term goals will help ensure you are on the same page about the future of the relationship. 

The timing for the conversation is unique to each relationship. Oftentimes DTR conversations occur once an emotional connection and/or romantic feelings have developed. Ideally, these conversations happen as soon as possible to open up the line of communication and promote clarity. 

Similarly to the timing, the script you use will depend on your relationship dynamics and the level of comfort between you and your partner. That being said, here are some conversation starters:

“I have really been enjoying spending time with you. I would love to sit down and talk about where we see this relationship going.”

“I feel uncertain of where our relationship is headed and it would be helpful to talk about it with you so we can both get clarity.”

“I value our relationship and want to make sure we are on the same page. Can we have a conversation about what we both want and expect from this?” 

Communication is a fundamental part of any healthy relationship and the way your DTR conversation goes can be an indicator for how compatible your communication styles are. There is no right or wrong answer, so listen to your gut and keep in mind what you want; if you get a disappointing answer from your partner in a DTR conversation, you do not need to settle. If you are unsure of what you want or how to figure it out, consider speaking with a therapist.    

Disclosing an STI: Tips on How to Tell Partners

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Beginning a new romantic relationship can be an exciting and nerve-racking experience. As you get to know someone on a deeper level, it's natural to consider when and how to disclose personal information, including your sexual health status. If you have a sexually transmitted infection (STI), the question of when to disclose can feel daunting. This blog will discuss some considerations for navigating disclosure and finding the right time to share your STI status with a partner. Here are some things to consider before disclosing:

Understand the Importance of Disclosure  

The first step in navigating disclosure is understanding the importance of being honest and transparent with your partner about your STI status. Some people may wonder, do I legally need to disclose my STI? In some jurisdictions, disclosing your STI status is an ethical responsibility and a legal requirement. It allows your partner to make informed decisions about their sexual health, such as choosing a partner, understanding potential health risks, and taking necessary precautions, like using condoms or other barrier methods and keeping an eye out for sores, redness, or other STI symptoms. Additionally, open and honest communication about sexual health fosters trust and intimacy in a relationship.

Educate Yourself about Your STI

Educating yourself about your STI before disclosing your status is important. Understand how it's transmitted, the potential symptoms, treatment options, and ways to reduce the risk of transmission. This will enable you to have an informed conversation with your potential partner and answer any questions they may have.

Consider the Timing

When it comes to disclosure, timing is crucial. There's no one-size-fits-all answer as to when is the "right" time to disclose, as it depends on the dynamics of each relationship. Oftentimes, it can be helpful to have the conversation outside of a sexually charged environment and when both partners appear to be in an amiable mood. It's generally recommended to have a chat before any sexual activity occurs. This allows you and your partner to make informed decisions about the level of risk you're comfortable with. In contrast, having the conversation right before sex or after sex may produce mistrust between partners.

Create a Safe Space for Conversation  

You may be asking yourself if it is okay to disclose via text. Texting may not be the best option unless you are questioning your safety due to revealing it. Creating a safe conversation space is important when you decide to tell your STI status. Choose a private and neutral setting where you and your partner can feel comfortable and relaxed. Be open, non-judgmental, and willing to listen to their concerns or questions. Remember that the conversation should be two-way, allowing both parties to express their feelings and concerns.

Be Honest and Transparent

Honesty and transparency are the values at the heart of this concept we are exploring. Provide accurate information about your STI, including how you acquired it, if you're currently on treatment, and what steps you take to manage it. Avoid any temptation to downplay or minimize your STI status, as this can erode trust in the relationship.

For example, your conversation may sound like, “I want to have an open and honest conversation with you because I value our relationship and believe in transparency. Recently, I was diagnosed with [specific STI]. I want you to know I am taking proactive steps to manage my health, including following the recommended treatment plan and practicing safe sex. I understand the importance of disclosing this information to you so that you can make informed decisions about your health. I am here to answer any questions you may have and respect whatever decision you make moving forward. Our health and well-being are both important, and I believe that open communication is crucial in maintaining trust and understanding in our relationship.”

Anticipate Reactions and Prepare for Possible Outcomes

You may wonder if disclosing your STI will be a dealbreaker for your relationship. It's important to be prepared for various reactions from your potential partner when disclosing your STI status. They may have questions, concerns, or emotional responses. They may need time to process the information, seek further information, or discuss it with their healthcare provider. Be patient and understanding, allowing them to process their feelings.

Respect Your Partner's Decision

After disclosing your STI status, you must respect your partner's decision, whatever it may be. They may choose to continue the relationship with appropriate precautions, or they may decide that they're not comfortable moving forward sexually. Respecting their boundaries and choices without pressuring or guilt-tripping them is important. Remember that everyone has the right to decide about their sexual health.

Take Necessary Precautions

You may wonder if it is safe to continue dating someone who has disclosed an STI. If you and your partner are sexually active, consider taking precautions to prevent the transmission of STIs. This may include using condoms or other barrier methods, getting regular STI screenings, and following recommended treatment plans, such as taking an antiviral, if applicable. It's important to communicate openly with your partner about sexual health and continuously assess and mitigate the risk of transmission.

Prioritize Self-Care

Living with an STI can be emotionally challenging, and disclosure can bring up a lot of emotions. It's essential to prioritize self-care and seek support when needed. This may include talking to a therapist, joining support groups, or confiding in trusted friends or family members. Taking care of your emotional well-being can help you navigate disclosure and build healthy relationships.

Remember That Your STI Does Not Define You 

So is having an STI a big deal? It's important to remember that your STI status does not define your worth and value. Having an STI does not make you any less deserving of love, respect, and fulfilling relationships. It's just one aspect of your life. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion as you navigate disclosure and relationships.

Takeaway

Disclosing your STI status to a sexual partner can be a challenging but necessary step in building healthy relationships. With open communication, mutual respect, and understanding, building meaningful and fulfilling relationships is possible while managing your sexual health. Remember that every situation is unique, and it's essential to consult with a healthcare professional or a qualified therapist for personalized guidance and support in navigating disclosure and managing your sexual health.

How to Tell Your Parents You Don’t Want Kids

Even before COVID-19 hit in 2020, the United States’ birth rate has fallen every year since 2007, aside from 2014. The pandemic compounded this trend, with 2020 having the largest single-year drop in number of births in almost 50 years. A 2021 study from Pew Research Center found that 44% of non-parents ages 18-49 report it is unlikely or not at all likely they will have children. 

Between the climate crisis, rampant and rising gun violence, the COVID-19 pandemic, the ever-present wealth gap, or just wanting to enjoy one’s own life untethered to the immense responsibility of being a parent, more and more people are opting to be childfree. 

Though this attitude and choice might seem surprising to some, especially older generations, it is not such a mystery when looking at how challenging, complicated, and demanding our current world is, a state which plagues many young people with a sense of malaise and hopelessness. Despite how justified and understandable the malaise and hopelessness are, there can still be familial pressure to have kids from parents who had hoped to be grandparents. These two opposing perspectives can make for a contentious conversation that is difficult to know how to broach. Even if you are 100% certain that you want to be childfree by choice, justifying that in the face of the traditional mindset that “everyone wants to and should have kids” is not an easy task. Before even starting the conversation, it is important to remember that your decision has been made and your conversation with your family about it is not about convincing them that this is the best decision for you, rather it is an opportunity to share your feelings on the matter.

The specifics of how you approach the conversation will depend on your family dynamic and communication styles so you will need to adjust your approach based on that information, but this article will cover general considerations and strategies to make the conversation as productive as possible.

Think through what their concerns about you being childfree might be 

Some common objections family members may offer to your expression of wanting to be childfree are “is this because of something we did wrong?,” “who will care for you in your old age?,” or “having children was the best thing that happened to me, I don’t want you to miss out.” All three of these are likely rooted in much more complex emotions. Take for instance the question about whether they did something wrong to cause you to feel this way; that question could be rooted in anxiety that it is their fault you do not want to have kids. Being aware of some of their potential reasons for objecting is important in crafting how you approach them and assuage their concerns. Furthermore, understanding the “why” behind their objection can foster your empathy and compassion towards them which will make the conversation easier as well.  

Use “I” statements

Since your parents did make the decision to have kids, they might want to personalize your decision as being about them in some way, like a rejection or criticism of them. When you use “I” language, you are focused on expressing your feelings and what you want, rather than putting them on the defensive. For example, instead of saying “I don’t want to have kids because you traumatized me,” you could try “My mental health and ability to navigate challenging situations that would undoubtedly come up with children makes me feel like it’s not the right choice for me or my hypothetical children.”

Empathize with and respect your parents’ emotions

Many parents look forward to the opportunity to be a grandparent and the loss of this potential future role might cause legitimate grief. Try to remember that you have had time to think over your decision in depth and when you tell your parents for the first time, they will not have had that processing time yet. The initial shock might cause them to react more severely compared to after they have had time to digest it. Try to work with them to give them the space they need to process this news. Their disappointment is not a reason to change your mind, and it is not your responsibility to soothe them, but it is important to be mindful and respectful of their feelings.   

Offer resources about choosing to be childfree if they want to learn more about your choice

If your parents are not very familiar with being childfree by choice, the foreign concept can exacerbate how scary it sounds to them. Offering resources for further learning can show them that you are far from alone in your choice and the explanations might resonate with them more when they come from an author your parents have no emotional attachment to, unlike with you. Here are three recommended texts to share with them: 

• Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on The Decision Not To Have Kids

• I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids

• Beyond Motherhood: Choosing Life Without Children

Hopefully these tips will equip you to have a productive, thoughtful conversation with your parents about your choice to be childfree. Not wanting to have children is a perfectly legitimate and increasingly popular decision. Even if people like your parents disagree with your choice, it is not their prerogative to persuade you otherwise, and you are well within your rights to establish boundaries around the subject if they continually push their feelings onto you. Being surrounded by non-familial support systems is especially important before and after speaking to your parents about it. If you are struggling with preparing for or processing after the conversation, consider reaching out to a therapist.