Coming Out as Bisexual in a World That Doubts You: What Bi Erasure Is, Why It Hurts, and How to Reclaim Your Identity

Coming Out as Bisexual in a World That Doubts You: What Bi Erasure Is, Why It Hurts, and How to Reclaim Your Identity

Written by Abby Gerding, MFT

What Does It Mean to Be Bisexual?

Bisexuality is typically used to describe a sexual, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to folks of multiple genders, often including one’s own gender. Bisexuality often comes with a number of misconceptions, which are important to discuss.

One of the most common misconceptions is that bisexuality is a specific attraction to folks who fall under a traditional gender binary. The reality is that bisexual folks can experience attraction to multiple gender expressions, including non-binary, agender, trans, and gender fluid folks. Along these lines, it is common to hear the assumption that bisexuals experience a 50/50 split in their attraction to men and women. For many people, attraction is not neatly split and may be to more than two genders. 

Bisexuality is not just a “phase,” nor does it change depending on the gender of one’s partner. People don’t stop being straight or gay as soon as they enter into a relationship. So, why would that be different for bisexual people? While some people may experience more fluidity in their sexual identity or explore multiple labels in their journey to understanding their sexuality, bisexuality is a valid identity and is not a stepping-stone for many. Bisexuals do exist and do, in fact, make up the largest portion of the LGBTQ+ population, according to recent census data. 

Why Coming Out as Bisexual Hits Differently

Coming out as bisexual presents unique challenges. The myths mentioned above are only a small number bisexuals face when coming out. Both straight and queer communities may have doubts or carry misconceptions. Bisexual folks may feel a sense of pressure to explain their relationship history in order to provide a sense of validity to their identity that other folks may not feel the need to explain. Both straight and LGBTQ+ communities may subscribe to the idea that this is a “phase” or pose questions that feel invalidating. 

It can be especially difficult if the person coming out is already in a relationship or entering into one. If a bisexual person is in what may appear to be a straight-presenting relationship, their identity may not be seen as valid. They may be assigned a label that doesn’t fit for them based on the way their relationship looks. They may also face some skepticism that makes them feel out of place in the queer community, but they may not feel like they have a place in straight communities. This leads to a lot of bisexual folks feeling stuck in the middle or isolated from their community. 

What Is Bi Erasure and Where Does It Come From?

Bi erasure is a widespread phenomenon in which the legitimacy and prevalence of bisexuality is denied or dismissed. This process may occur through external factors, such as the exclusion of bisexuals from queer spaces, the belief that bisexuality is a transient identity rather than a valid destination, and the lack of representation, among other things. It can also be reinforced by internalized biphobia. The self-doubt that may be a product of many of these assumptions can be a form of self-erasure. A 2026 study looked at a number of themes that contribute to bi erasure, and found that a number of the misconceptions discussed here are major contributors to the process. The stereotypes and myths that surround bisexuality often serve to create doubt or further the idea that the bisexual identity is illegitimate, which increases the amount of stress bi folks face and contributes to a sense of invisibility. 

The lack of bisexual representation and validity often leads to the responsibility falling on bisexuals to defend and explain their identity. When a person’s sexuality is determined based on the perception of who they are in a relationship with, it often leads to assumptions that leave little room for bisexuality. This can be exhausting and have negative impacts on mental health.

The Real Mental Health Cost of Being Doubted

Many studies from across the world suggest that bisexual people report higher levels of depression and anxiety than both heterosexual and gay/lesbian populations. A 2022 Australian study suggests over 80% of bisexual people have experienced a mental health disorder compared to just over 63% of lesbian and gay people, and over 41% of heterosexual people. 

As mentioned previously, bisexual mental health is often impacted by a great deal of chronic stress. Many queer folks experience increased rates of discrimination due to their sexuality. However, bisexual people may be subjected to judgment and discrimination from both heterosexual and gay/lesbian communities, which can add more pressure and stress, leading to higher levels of anxiety and depression. People may also be less likely to come out due to the stigma, which may cause people to feel more alone and, in turn, not want to come out. 

What Affirmation Actually Looks Like

Affirmation can happen in three ways. Internal affirmation specifically looks at the internal validation of one’s identity. Empowerment can come from internal strength and knowing who you are can help protect against the misconceptions or doubt that may be present when coming out. Another source of affirmation comes from relationships with those closest to you. Having the support of a partner(s) and family (chosen or otherwise) can be wonderful. Not having to prove oneself to the folks around them or defend themselves can be very affirming. With romantic partners, not reinforcing biphobic stereotypes by questioning a partner’s loyalty or attraction can be key to providing an affirming space. Affirmation can also come from the community. When a community openly accepts folks who come out as bi without the assumption that this is a phase or that their partner determines the validity of their sexuality, it can feel incredibly validating. Finding a space where you can feel a sense of belonging and less on the outside of two different spaces creates a sense of visibility and affirmation that can help combat bi-erasure. 

How LGBTQ+ Affirming Therapy Supports Bisexual Clients Specifically

LGBTQ+ affirming therapy is a wonderful place to start! Affirming therapy goes beyond simply understanding that bisexuality exists, and enters a space in which bisexuality is honored and there is no pressure to prove that your identity is valid. Bisexual-informed care takes into consideration the challenges and pressures that come with being bi, and celebrates the unique joys that accompany this beautiful identity. The therapy room should be one in which your sexuality is met with warmth rather than skepticism.

You Do Not Owe Anyone an Explanation of Your Sexuality

Bisexuality is valid. Regardless of who you have or have not been in relationship with, how your relationship presents, or whether you are out or not, your bisexual identity is valid. Everyone’s journey is unique and, therefore, does not require proof or justification. 

You Deserve a Therapist Who Actually Gets It

Therapy can be a wonderful space to explore your bisexual identity. Having a therapist like our team at Embrace Sexual Wellness who understands the unique joys and challenges that bisexuality comes with is important. We provide LGBTQ+ celebratory therapy in Chicago that honors and affirms the bisexual experience. If you are ready to speak to someone who truly gets it, schedule a free 10-minute phone consultation with one of our sex therapists today!

Can a Sexless Marriage Be Fixed? What Therapy Really Looks Like

Can a Sexless Marriage Be Fixed? What Therapy Really Looks Like

If you are reading this, there is a good chance something has already shifted in your marriage that feels hard to name and harder to talk about. Sex has stopped, or nearly stopped. Maybe it happened gradually over years. Maybe it followed a specific event: a pregnancy, an illness, a period of conflict that never fully resolved. Maybe you cannot point to anything in particular and that is its own kind of disorienting.

What is almost certainly true is that you have not talked about it directly with your partner, or that when you have tried, the conversation went badly and you both retreated further. Sexless marriages tend to persist not because couples do not want things to be different, but because the conversation required to change them feels too loaded, too painful, or too risky to attempt.

The first thing worth knowing is that you are not in an unusual situation. The second is that this is one of the most treatable presentations in couples therapy, when both partners are willing to engage. Understanding what actually causes a marriage to become sexless, and what therapy for it genuinely involves, can help you decide whether professional support is the right next step for you.

How Common Is a Sexless Marriage?

The most widely cited clinical definition of a sexless marriage is a couple who has sex fewer than ten times per year. By that measure, data from the General Social Survey and the Indiana University National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior consistently estimate that between 15 and 20 percent of married couples in the United States qualify. In raw terms, if you are in a sexless marriage, you are in the company of tens of millions of people.

The figure is likely an undercount. Surveys on sexual frequency depend on self-report, and this is a topic where both overreporting and underreporting occur. What the data captures is a floor, not a ceiling.

Sexless marriages are also not static. Most do not begin that way. They develop over time through an accumulation of disconnection, avoidance, unaddressed conflict, and the gradual erosion of the conditions that once made sex feel natural. Understanding that process is more useful than the label itself.

Why Marriages Become Sexless: It Is Rarely Just One Thing

One of the most consistent findings in clinical work with couples who have stopped having sex is that sexlessness is rarely a cause. It is a symptom. Something else has been building, and the absence of sex is how it has surfaced.

The most common underlying drivers include:

•  Unresolved conflict and emotional distance. When couples carry unrepaired ruptures, resentment, or contempt, the emotional safety required for physical intimacy disappears. Sex becomes psychologically impossible not because desire has evaporated but because the relational container for it has been damaged. For many couples, addressing the emotional estrangement is the necessary first step before sexual reconnection becomes possible.

•  Desire discrepancy that was never named or negotiated. One partner wants sex significantly more than the other. Rather than navigating this directly, both partners adapt: the higher-desire partner stops initiating to avoid rejection, the lower-desire partner withdraws further to avoid pressure. Over time, both learn not to try. The result looks like mutual disinterest but often reflects mutual avoidance of a painful pattern that was never resolved.

•  Life stage transitions. The arrival of children, particularly in the first few years of parenting, is one of the strongest predictors of declining sexual frequency. Exhaustion, changed body image, shifting relational roles, and the loss of unstructured time all compound. For many couples this transition becomes permanent rather than temporary because they never actively addressed the shift.

•  Physical and mental health changes. Depression, anxiety, chronic illness, hormonal changes, medication side effects, and pain conditions all affect sexual desire and function in documented ways. When a physical or mental health factor is present and unaddressed, no amount of relational repair will fully restore the sexual relationship. Medical evaluation is often a necessary part of a comprehensive approach.

•  Avoidance that has become entrenched. Once a couple has not had sex for a significant period, the absence itself becomes a source of anxiety and pressure. The longer it goes, the higher the perceived stakes of any attempt to restart. Many couples enter a kind of mutual paralysis: neither partner initiates because the gap has grown so large that any move feels awkward, exposing, or likely to fail. Avoidance maintains itself.

Does a Sexless Marriage Always Need to Be Fixed?

This question deserves a direct answer rather than an assumption that every sexless marriage is equally distressed.

A small proportion of couples, research suggests roughly 10 to 12 percent of those in long-term sexless relationships, report being genuinely satisfied with their relationship despite the absence of sex. For these couples, the arrangement is mutual, the emotional connection is intact, and neither partner experiences significant distress. This is a different situation from a marriage where one or both partners are suffering, and it does not call for the same response.

The relevant question is not whether you are having sex but whether the current state of your relationship is causing distress to one or both of you. If it is, whether that distress is about the sex itself, the distance it reflects, or the hurt that has accumulated around it, that distress is a legitimate reason to seek support.

Can It Actually Be Fixed? What the Research Says

The short answer is yes, most of the time, with the right kind of help and genuine engagement from both partners. A 2025 systematic review and meta-analysis found couple-based interventions produced significant improvements in relationship satisfaction and intimacy outcomes across a broad range of presenting concerns, including low desire and sexual disconnection. The review, which analyzed 12 studies meeting rigorous methodological criteria, found that structured couple therapy consistently outperformed control conditions.

A 2022 review concluded couple’s therapy has garnered considerable empirical support for its effectiveness across a broad spectrum of relational dysfunctions, and that it has become one of the most well-evidenced intervention modalities in mental health. The caveat that appears consistently in the research is that outcomes depend significantly on both partners being willing participants in the process, not just present in the room.

Prognosis also depends on what is driving the sexlessness. Couples where the primary issue is avoidance and accumulated distance, without deep trauma or entrenched contempt, tend to show the most rapid improvement. Couples where the drivers include long-standing resentment, a history of betrayal, or a significant and unaddressed individual mental health or medical issue typically require a longer or more layered approach.

What Therapy for a Sexless Marriage Actually Looks Like

Many couples delay seeking help because they are not sure what therapy for this issue actually involves. The most common fear is that it will be uncomfortable in ways they cannot predict, or that a therapist will simply tell them to have more sex, which they already know they are not doing.

That is not what happens. Here is what clinical work with a sexless marriage actually involves:

•  Assessment before intervention. A competent sex therapist or couples therapist begins by understanding what is actually driving the absence of sex. This means taking a thorough history of each partner’s experience, the relationship’s sexual history, the timeline of the change, and the physical and psychological factors in play for each person. Treatment cannot be targeted without this picture.

•  Addressing the emotional layer first. Because sexlessness is usually rooted in emotional disconnection, clinical work typically addresses the relational dynamics, the avoidance patterns, and the unspoken hurt before attempting any behavioral change in the sexual relationship. Trying to restart sexual activity before emotional safety has been restored rarely produces lasting results and often fails in ways that deepen the avoidance.

•  Sensate focus and gradual reintroduction of physical intimacy. Once the emotional climate has shifted, therapy often involves structured exercises, completed privately by the couple outside sessions, that rebuild physical connection without pressure for sex. Sensate focus, developed by Masters and Johnson and refined extensively since, removes the performance expectation from physical contact and allows desire to emerge naturally as safety is restored.

•  Communication skills and ongoing negotiation. Many couples in sexless marriages have never developed a shared language for talking about sex, desire, or their physical relationship. Therapy builds this capacity explicitly, giving couples tools for ongoing conversation that do not depend on crisis to initiate them.

•  Coordinated medical support where relevant. Where hormonal, pain, or other medical factors are contributing, a good sex therapist will work in coordination with a physician or other specialist. Therapy alone does not address physiological barriers, and medical treatment alone does not address the psychological and relational dimensions. Effective treatment of a sexless marriage where physical factors are present usually requires both.

When to Seek Help, and When Not to Wait

One of the clearest predictors of poorer outcomes in couples therapy is delay. The longer a sexless pattern persists, the more entrenched the avoidance becomes, the more accumulated hurt there is to address, and the higher the risk that one or both partners will begin to disengage from the relationship entirely before help is sought.

You do not need to have been sexless for years to benefit from professional support. If the pattern has been present for more than a few months, if one or both of you is distressed, and if your attempts to address it on your own have not produced meaningful change, those are sufficient reasons to seek help now rather than later.

You also do not need both partners to be equally motivated at the outset. It is common for one partner to initiate therapy while the other is uncertain. What matters is that both are willing to engage genuinely with the process once it begins.

This Is One of the Most Treatable Things We Work With

A sexless marriage is not evidence that your relationship is over or that the connection between you cannot be restored. For most couples who engage seriously with treatment, meaningful improvement is achievable. What it requires is the willingness to stop managing the absence quietly and start addressing what is underneath it with professional support.

At Embrace Sexual Wellness, our Chicago-based sex therapists and couples therapists work with couples navigating sexlessness at every stage, from the early recognition that something has shifted to situations where years have passed without physical intimacy. We take a warm, clinically grounded approach that meets both partners where they are and builds a path forward that works for both of them.

If your marriage has become sexless and you are ready to understand what is driving it and what to do about it, we invite you to schedule a free 10-minute phone consultation today. You do not have to figure this out alone.

What Is Emotional Intimacy and How Do You Build It With Your Partner?

What Is Emotional Intimacy and How Do You Build It With Your Partner?

Many couples can identify when something has shifted, even if they cannot name exactly what it is. You share a home, a calendar, perhaps children or finances or years of history. But somewhere in the daily logistics, the feeling of being truly known by your partner has grown faint. Conversations stay on the surface. Physical closeness happens less, or feels disconnected when it does. You are together and yet somehow alone.

What most couples are describing, whether they use this language or not, is a decline in emotional intimacy. It is one of the most common presenting concerns in couples therapy, and one of the most important to understand, because emotional intimacy is not simply a feeling. It is a process, and like any process, it can be learned, practiced, and rebuilt.

What Emotional Intimacy Actually Is

Emotional intimacy is not the same as love, commitment, or closeness in a general sense. Those things can exist without it. Research gives us a more specific definition to work with. The Interpersonal Process Model of Intimacy, developed by Reis and Shaver and later tested by Laurenceau and colleagues using daily diaries with real couples, is one of the most replicated frameworks in relationship science.

In this model, emotional intimacy is defined as an interpersonal process with two essential components: self-disclosure and perceived partner responsiveness. In an older study, both self-disclosure and partner disclosure significantly and uniquely predicted feelings of intimacy on a day-to-day basis. Crucially, the research found that emotional self-disclosure, sharing one’s inner feelings rather than factual information, was a more powerful predictor of intimacy than disclosing facts about oneself.

What this means practically is that emotional intimacy is built in moments of genuine emotional sharing met with genuine emotional responsiveness. It is not built through time spent together, through shared activities alone, or through knowing someone’s history and preferences. It is built through the experience of revealing something real about your inner world and having your partner actually receive it.

A 2025 study on intimacy and sexual wellbeing in couples coping with sexual dysfunction confirmed this framework and added an important clinical observation: when other aspects of the relationship are under strain, emotional connection becomes increasingly vital as a compensatory mechanism, and its absence in those moments is felt more acutely. The couples who maintain emotional intimacy during difficulty are better equipped to navigate that difficulty together.

Why Emotional Intimacy Erodes

Emotional intimacy does not usually disappear in a single event. It erodes gradually, through patterns that become habitual before either partner notices how much ground has been lost.

The most common contributors include:

•  Chronic busyness and distraction. When daily life is primarily logistical, the conversations that build emotional intimacy, those that involve genuine self-disclosure and attentive responsiveness, simply do not happen often enough. Couples begin to function as co-managers rather than intimate partners.

•  Conflict avoidance. Many couples reduce emotional risk-taking to avoid arguments. This keeps things surface-level but at the cost of the kind of honest sharing that builds genuine closeness. Safety and depth both require a degree of vulnerability, and when vulnerability feels too risky, intimacy recedes.

•  Negative interaction cycles. Patterns like the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic, where one partner reaches for connection and the other pulls back, create conditions in which emotional sharing feels either unsafe or futile. Over time, both partners stop trying.

•  Unresolved ruptures. Betrayals, significant arguments, or periods of emotional unavailability leave residue. When these ruptures are not repaired with genuine acknowledgment and responsiveness, they accumulate as a barrier to future openness.

•  Life transitions. The arrival of children, career changes, health challenges, grief, and the ordinary passages of adult life all reshape the relational landscape. Couples who do not actively tend to their emotional connection during transitions often find themselves strangers to each other when the dust settles.

The Link Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy

Emotional and sexual intimacy are distinct but deeply interconnected. Understanding how they interact is clinically important, particularly for couples who notice that changes in one seem to affect the other.

A 2014 study found emotional intimacy and sexual satisfaction were both significant predictors of relationship satisfaction, and that communication quality influenced both. The study also found that the relationship between emotional and sexual intimacy was bidirectional: each dimension of closeness supported and reinforced the other over time.

For many couples, particularly those in longer-term relationships, sexual desire is closely tied to the sense of feeling emotionally seen and known. When emotional intimacy declines, sexual desire often follows, not because the attraction has disappeared but because the conditions that support felt desire, safety, connection, genuine presence, have been depleted. Rebuilding emotional intimacy is frequently the necessary foundation for restoring sexual connection.

How to Build Emotional Intimacy: Evidence-Informed Practices

The research on emotional intimacy translates directly into practices that couples can begin incorporating. These are not superficial gestures. They are the specific behaviors that the science of intimacy identifies as the actual drivers of felt closeness.

•  Practice emotional self-disclosure deliberately. Share something about your inner experience rather than your day’s events. This does not require dramatic confessions. It means saying “I felt disappointed when that happened” rather than simply recounting what happened. Research consistently shows that emotional disclosure, not factual disclosure, is the stronger driver of felt intimacy.

•  Respond to disclosure with genuine responsiveness. When your partner shares something, the quality of your response matters more than almost anything else. Responsiveness means demonstrating understanding, validation, and care in the specific language of what your partner has shared. Turning away, minimizing, or problem-solving before listening are all forms of non-responsiveness that quietly erode intimacy over time.

•  Create protected time for non-logistical conversation. Many couples discover they have no regular space in their lives for conversations that are not about tasks, schedules, or children. Protecting even twenty minutes together with a genuine question and unhurried attention creates the conditions for emotional intimacy to occur.

•  Repair ruptures when they happen. Intimacy is not built primarily in the absence of conflict but in the presence of repair. When a disconnection occurs, taking the risk of naming it and attempting to restore connection, rather than waiting for it to resolve on its own, is one of the most powerful intimacy-building acts available to couples.

•  Ask better questions. Research on emotional intimacy consistently points to curiosity as a core driver of closeness. Questions that invite reflection rather than information, such as asking your partner what a difficult experience meant to them rather than what happened, open the door to the kind of emotional disclosure that actually builds intimacy.

•  Be present rather than performative. Intimacy cannot be manufactured through the right words delivered without genuine attention. Research on perceived partner responsiveness is clear: what matters to the disclosing partner is not just what was said but whether the response reflected that the partner was actually listening. Presence is the precondition for responsiveness.

When Building Intimacy Feels Out of Reach

For some couples, the practices above are difficult not because they lack goodwill but because the patterns that have developed over years make emotional risk-taking feel genuinely unsafe. This is where professional support makes a meaningful difference. A 2025 study found EFT produced significant improvements in both shame reduction and intimacy outcomes for couples, with gains across emotional, social, sexual, intellectual, and recreational dimensions of intimacy. EFT works precisely because it addresses the underlying attachment dynamics and interaction cycles that make emotional intimacy feel dangerous, not just the surface behaviors.

Couples therapy is not only for couples in crisis. It is for couples who have noticed a growing distance, who find themselves wanting more depth and not knowing how to create it, or who have tried the practical steps and found that something underneath keeps pulling them back into the same patterns. The presence of a skilled third party changes the conditions of the conversation in ways that are difficult to replicate on your own.

Connection Is a Skill, and It Can Be Learned

Emotional intimacy is not something you either have or you do not. It is something you build, through specific behaviors practiced consistently over time, and it is something you can rebuild, even after long periods of disconnection, with the right support.

At Embrace Sexual Wellness, our Chicago-based couples therapists work with partners at every stage of relational life, from couples navigating a slow drift to those working through significant ruptures. We use Emotionally Focused Therapy and other evidence-based approaches to help couples understand the patterns that are keeping them disconnected and create new experiences of felt safety and genuine closeness.

If you and your partner are ready to rebuild your connection, or if you simply want to understand what has shifted and how to address it, we invite you to schedule a free 10-minute phone consultation today.