The Invisible Load Women Carry and Its Impact on Sexual Desire

The Invisible Load Women Carry and How It Impacts Libido

Many women come into therapy saying some version of the same thing: “I love my partner, but I just don’t want sex anymore.” Often this concern is quickly framed as a problem of low libido, hormonal imbalance, or individual dysfunction. But emerging research and clinical experience tell a more nuanced story. Low sexual desire in women is frequently connected to the invisible load they carry in their relationships and daily lives.

As Chicago sex therapists, we view sexual desire not as something that exists in isolation, but as deeply influenced by emotional, relational, and social context. One important factor that often goes unnamed is the mental and emotional labor women perform every day, both inside and outside of their relationships.

What Is the Invisible Load?

The invisible load refers to the ongoing mental and emotional labor required to manage daily life. This includes remembering appointments, tracking schedules, anticipating needs, managing household logistics, and emotionally monitoring the well being of others. Unlike physical chores, this labor is often unseen, unmeasured, and unacknowledged.

In many heterosexual relationships, women take on a disproportionate share of this mental load. Even when both partners work full time, women are more likely to be the ones who remember what needs to be done, plan ahead, and ensure things do not fall through the cracks. This constant cognitive effort requires attention, emotional regulation, and mental energy.

Over time, carrying this invisible load can lead to chronic stress and exhaustion. These states are not fertile ground for sexual desire.

How Does the Invisible Load Affect Sexual Desire?

Sexual desire is sensitive to stress, fatigue, and relational dynamics. When a woman is mentally tracking everyone’s needs and responsibilities, her nervous system often stays in a state of vigilance. Desire, however, tends to flourish in states of safety, relaxation, and connection.

Research supports this connection. A growing body of literature suggests that women who perceive household labor as unfair or who feel overly responsible for managing domestic and emotional tasks report lower sexual desire for their partners. When one partner feels like the manager of the relationship or household, attraction can shift into resentment, fatigue, or emotional distance.

In our therapy sessions, we often hear women describe feeling more like a caretaker than a partner. When someone feels responsible for organizing life for another adult, it becomes difficult to access erotic energy. Desire struggles when the relational dynamic feels imbalanced.

Why Unequal Labor Changes How Partners Are Seen

One key insight from recent research is that unequal divisions of labor can change how women perceive their partners. When a partner is experienced as dependent or disengaged from responsibility, it can reduce feelings of attraction. Sexual desire is closely linked to how we experience our partner emotionally and relationally.

When a woman feels she must remind, manage, or oversee her partner’s responsibilities, the relationship can begin to resemble a parent child dynamic rather than an adult partnership. This shift can make sexual connection feel forced or unappealing, even when love and commitment remain strong.

Importantly, this is not about blame. These patterns are often rooted in broader social norms and gender expectations rather than conscious choices. Still, their impact on intimacy is real.

The Role of Gender Norms and Heteronormativity

The study informing this discussion introduces what is referred to as a heteronormativity theory of low sexual desire. This framework suggests that traditional gender roles contribute to women’s diminished desire in heterosexual relationships.

Cultural expectations often position women as caregivers, organizers, and emotional managers. Men, on the other hand, may be socialized to focus less on relational and domestic labor. Over time, these patterns create inequities that quietly erode desire.

This perspective challenges the idea that low libido is primarily a biological or psychological flaw within women. Instead, it reframes low desire as a reasonable response to unequal relational demands and chronic mental load.

Why This Is Not Just About Doing More Chores

It is tempting to reduce this conversation to a checklist of tasks. While sharing physical chores matters, the invisible load goes deeper than who does the dishes or laundry.

Mental labor includes anticipating needs, planning ahead, noticing what needs attention, and carrying the emotional weight of responsibility. Even when partners help with tasks, women often remain the ones who notice, assign, or remind. That cognitive responsibility itself is exhausting.

This ongoing mental effort keeps the brain in problem solving mode. Desire, by contrast, often requires the ability to be present, embodied, and receptive. When mental load is high, it becomes difficult to transition into a sexual mindset.

How Mental Load Impacts the Body

Chronic mental load activates stress responses in the body. Elevated stress hormones can dampen sexual desire and make arousal more difficult. Fatigue, irritability, and emotional depletion further reduce interest in sex.

Many women describe wanting to want sex, but feeling disconnected from their bodies. This disconnection is not a lack of desire so much as a nervous system that has not had the opportunity to rest.

From a therapeutic perspective, this highlights why advice focused solely on technique or scheduling sex often falls flat. Without addressing the underlying mental and emotional load, desire cannot be forced back into existence.

What Helps Restore Desire?

Addressing low desire related to invisible load requires relational change, not just individual effort.

First, conversations about fairness and responsibility are essential. Partners benefit from openly discussing not only what tasks are being done, but who is holding the mental responsibility for them. Feeling seen and validated in this labor can reduce resentment and emotional distance.

Second, redistributing both visible and invisible labor can help restore balance. This includes shared ownership of planning, remembering, and anticipating needs, not just helping when asked.

Third, emotional connection matters. When women feel supported rather than managed, appreciated rather than taken for granted, emotional safety increases. Desire is more likely to emerge in relationships where both partners feel like equals.

When to Seek Support

If mental load and unequal responsibility are affecting intimacy, working with a sex therapist can help. Therapy offers space to unpack these patterns without blame and to develop more equitable and connected ways of relating.

Our team of Chicago sex therapists help couples and individuals understand how desire is shaped by stress, gender roles, and relational dynamics. Low libido is often a signal, not a failure. It points toward areas where balance, support, and mutual care are needed.

Sexual desire thrives when emotional labor is shared, mental load is reduced, and relationships feel like partnerships rather than obligations. When the invisible becomes visible, intimacy has room to return.

Why Don’t I Want Sex Anymore, and Is Something Wrong With Me?

If you’ve found yourself thinking, “I just don’t want sex anymore,” you’re not alone.
Maybe sex used to feel exciting or connecting, or maybe it’s always been complicated. But now, it feels like something you avoid, feel pressure around, or just don’t think about at all. It’s confusing. Sometimes scary. And for many people, the first question that follows is:

“Is something wrong with me?”

The short answer: no. But your experience does deserve attention, care, and support.

Low sexual desire, or no desire at all, is incredibly common, especially among women in long-term relationships who are juggling work, parenting, emotional labor, or unresolved relationship tension. It’s also one of the most common concerns clients bring to therapy.

Let’s break down why desire can shift, what it might be trying to tell you, and how working with a therapist can help you feel more connected to yourself and to your partner.

What Does It Mean If I Have Low Sexual Desire?

Desire isn’t a fixed personality trait. It ebbs and flows across our lives and relationships. So when you notice a change in your interest in sex, that’s not a flaw or failure, it’s a signal.

Desire often fades in response to something (e.g., stress, resentment, exhaustion, disconnection, or even internalized shame about sex). But instead of interpreting that signal with curiosity, many people assume it’s a reflection of their identity or worth.

In reality, desire is complex. It can be relational, emotional, hormonal, psychological, or all of the above. And with the right support, it’s often possible to understand it, and reclaim it, on your own terms.

It’s also important to note the difference between low sexual desire and asexuality. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, not a dysfunction or problem to fix. A person who is asexual may experience little or no sexual attraction, and that’s a healthy part of their identity. In contrast, low desire usually feels like a change from what’s been typical for you, or something that’s causing distress or tension in your relationship. If you’re unsure where you fall, therapy can help you explore that with curiosity and care.

Why You Might Not Want Sex Right Now

Here are just a few of the common (and very valid) reasons desire might be low:

Mental Load and Overwhelm

For many women, sex doesn’t just require time, it requires mental space. When your mind is full of to-do lists, caregiving responsibilities, and work stress, it’s hard to feel present or open to physical connection.

Burnout and Emotional Fatigue

Chronic stress and burnout have a major impact on our nervous systems. When you’re in survival mode, your body prioritizes rest and regulation over arousal or intimacy. It’s biology, not personal failure.

Disconnection or Resentment in the Relationship

Desire needs safety and closeness to thrive. If you feel emotionally distant from your partner, or if there’s unspoken frustration, miscommunication, or unequal labor in the relationship, it’s no surprise that intimacy starts to feel less appealing.

Sex Hasn’t Felt Good in a While

If past sexual experiences have felt pressured, unfulfilling, or one-sided, your body may begin to anticipate more of the same. This can trigger shutdown or avoidance,.not because you’re broken, but because your nervous system is protecting you.

Hormonal Changes or Medical Factors

Perimenopause, postpartum recovery, chronic pain, and certain medications can all affect desire. It’s important to understand how physical and hormonal shifts are impacting your experience, not to pathologize, but to make space for healing.

When Low Desire Impacts Your Relationship

In many couples, low desire creates a pattern of tension: one person initiates; the other pulls away; both feel frustrated, rejected, or confused. Over time, this can lead to emotional distance, decreased physical affection, or feelings of inadequacy.

It’s easy to assume that a lack of sex means something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Often, lack of interest in sex is not about the relationship at all, it’s about the conditions the relationship is existing in.

That’s where therapy can help.

How Sex Therapy Supports Healing and Connection

Whether you’re working individually or as a couple, therapy can be a powerful way to better understand your relationship with desire and gently shift it.

You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit. Many clients seek support when they simply notice: “I’m not feeling like myself,” or “I miss the intimacy we used to have.”

Here’s what therapy can offer:

A Shame-Free Space to Explore What’s Happening

You don’t have to explain or justify why sex feels different right now. A skilled therapist creates space for you to name what’s real, without fear of judgment or pressure to “fix” anything quickly.

Tools to Regulate the Nervous System

Many people experiencing low desire are operating in a state of chronic stress or hypervigilance. Therapy can introduce mindfulness-based tools that help you feel safer, calmer, and more attuned to your body.

Support for Couples to Reconnect

In couples therapy, we work to reduce pressure around sex and strengthen emotional intimacy. That might look like practicing more open communication, addressing longstanding resentment, or redefining what connection means in this season of your life.

Reframing What Desire Really Is

Desire doesn’t always look spontaneous or urgent. Sometimes it’s responsive, meaning something that builds when you feel relaxed, cared for, and emotionally safe. Therapy helps you explore your unique template for desire, without comparison or shame.

What If I’m Not Sure Where to Start?

That’s okay. You don’t have to have it all figured out. In fact, therapy is a place to not have all the answers.

If you’re in the Chicago area, or looking for virtual support across Illinois, our team at Embrace Sexual Wellness offers compassionate, trauma-informed sex therapy that meets you where you are.

We specialize in working with individuals and couples navigating low desire, performance anxiety, and emotional or sexual disconnection. Whether you’re looking for support on your own or with your partner, we’re here to help you take the next right step.

Signs You Might Benefit from Therapy

You don’t need a diagnosis or a crisis to reach out. Therapy might be helpful if:

• You feel disconnected from your body or desire

• Sex feels like a duty, not a choice

• You and your partner have stopped talking about intimacy

• You feel guilt, shame, or confusion about your level of desire

• You want to feel more present and connected during intimacy

You’re Not Broken. You’re Human.

Low desire is not a flaw. It’s a signal, a cue from your body and mind that something deserves attention. And like most things in therapy, that signal can become a starting point for healing, growth, and deeper connection.

You don’t have to navigate it alone.

If you’re curious about working with a therapist to explore your relationship with sex, we invite you to reach out to our team of providers. Whether you’re based in Illinois or another state we’re licensed in, support is available.

Closing the Orgasm Gap: Building Mutual Pleasure Through Communication, Curiosity, and Care

In relationships, sexual intimacy can be one of the most meaningful and vulnerable forms of connection. Yet for many couples, there’s a consistent and often unspoken disconnect in how pleasure is experienced is commonly referred to as the orgasm gap.

The orgasm gap refers to the measurable disparity in orgasm frequency between partners, especially between men and women in heterosexual relationships. Research shows that men report climaxing during sex far more often than their female partners. But this gap doesn’t have to persist—nor is it inevitable.

With the right tools, open communication, and an intentional shift in focus, couples can move toward more equitable, mutually pleasurable experiences.

What Causes the Orgasm Gap?

Understanding the root of the orgasm gap is essential to closing it. Some common contributing factors include:

Limited Focus on Clitoral Stimulation

Many people are unaware that the majority of women do not climax from vaginal penetration alone. The clitoris is often overlooked in popular depictions of sex, and it is a key center of sexual pleasure and deserves more attention.

Cultural Scripts and Misinformation

Media, movies, and even sex ed often present sex as ending when the male partner orgasms. This “one-size-fits-all” script overlooks the nuanced needs of many people, especially women and nonbinary individuals.

Poor Communication

Many couples never learn how to talk about sex openly. Embarrassment, fear of hurting a partner’s feelings, or simply not having the language to express desires can keep people silent.

Performance Pressure

Feeling rushed to climax or pressure to perform can shut down arousal and reduce sexual satisfaction for both partners.

Lack of Education

Most people receive little to no pleasure-based education around sex. Understanding sexual anatomy, arousal patterns, and what feels good takes time and exploration.

Tips for Closing the Orgasm Gap in Your Relationship

Turn-Taking During Sex

Rather than making sex a simultaneous experience, try taking turns focusing solely on one partner at a time. This helps eliminate performance pressure and ensures that both people have space to receive and explore pleasure at their own pace.

How to try turn-taking:

• Set aside a dedicated time for intimacy.

• Decide beforehand who will go first.

• The giving partner focuses entirely on the receiver's experience—without rushing or multitasking.

• Switch roles when it feels right, or in a subsequent session.

This practice allows each partner to feel prioritized and fully present, deepening trust and communication in the process.

Use Sex Toys to Enhance (Not Replace) Connection

Toys are powerful tools that can help close the orgasm gap especially for partners who benefit from clitoral stimulation or consistent stimulation.

Benefits of toys in partnered play:

• Promote more diverse stimulation and stronger orgasms.

• Reduce strain on hands or mouths.

• Help facilitate orgasms during intercourse.

• Normalize mutual exploration and novelty.

Getting started:

• Shop together either online or in person.

• Start with simple toys (e.g., bullet vibrators, vibrating rings, wands).

• Use toys externally during intercourse or turn-taking sessions.

• Check in regularly: “Do you want more pressure?” or “Would you like to try a different speed?”

Using toys should feel collaborative, not competitive, and can actually boost intimacy, fun, and satisfaction for both partners.

Show and Tell: Teaching Your Partner What Feels Good

A foundational but often skipped skill in closing the orgasm gap is physically showing your partner how you like to be touched.

This “show and tell” approach removes the guesswork and builds confidence—while encouraging vulnerability and deeper communication.

Here’s how to practice:

• During a relaxed moment, guide your partner’s hand to mimic your touch.

• Offer simple, positive feedback like “right there” or “a little lighter.”

• Masturbate in front of your partner (if comfortable) to demonstrate rhythm, location, and pressure.

• Reverse roles and ask them to show you what they like.

Over time, partners become fluent in each other’s preferences, increasing the likelihood of mutually satisfying experiences.

Slow Down and Extend Foreplay

Foreplay isn’t just a warm-up; it’s an essential part of many people’s arousal cycle. Skipping it can mean one partner is ready before the other even gets started.

Ideas to extend foreplay:

• Non-sexual touch (massages, cuddling, gentle stroking)

• Eye contact, breathwork, or synced breathing

• Kissing slowly, sustained, and exploratory

• Sensual use of scented oils or warming lubricants

Building arousal slowly increases blood flow, emotional attunement, and physical readiness, which can lead to stronger, more pleasurable orgasms, especially for those who require more time to get there.

Communicate Before, During, and After Sex

Sexual communication is not a one-time conversation—it’s a continuous practice. Cultivating an open and nonjudgmental space for feedback is one of the most effective ways to bridge the orgasm gap.

How to foster communication:

• Use positive reinforcement: “I loved when you did that thing with your fingers.”

• Ask questions like, “Was there anything you really enjoyed last time?” or “Would you like more of something?”

• After intimacy, check in: “How was that for you?” or “Anything you’d like more of next time?”

You don’t have to overanalyze every encounter, but normalizing open dialogue can help partners feel seen, heard, and satisfied.

When to Seek Support from a Sex Therapist

While these strategies are powerful, some couples still benefit from professional guidance. A certified sex therapist or couples counselor can help uncover emotional blocks, resolve longstanding communication issues, and create personalized strategies for increasing mutual pleasure.

Whether you’re exploring this topic for the first time or have been navigating the orgasm gap for years, therapy can offer a safe and supportive space to deepen intimacy, emotional connection, and sexual satisfaction.

For individuals or couples searching for sex therapy or couples counseling in Chicago or elsewhere, working with a trained professional can make all the difference. Many therapy practices offer virtual sessions, expanding access to care beyond your immediate location.

TLDR

The orgasm gap is not just about technique. It’s about equity, care, and communication. Pleasure should not be one-sided or dependent on old sexual scripts. With curiosity, openness, and a willingness to experiment, couples can co-create intimate experiences that feel good for both partners.

Whether you’re just beginning to explore this topic or already working to improve your sex life, remember: the journey toward mutual pleasure is one worth prioritizing.

Looking for support?

If you’re ready to go deeper and explore personalized tools for building sexual and emotional intimacy, working with a sex-positive therapist can help. Whether you're based in Chicago or accessing services remotely, compassionate and tailored support is available.

Explore more insights on relationships and intimacy on our blog, or contact us to take the next step toward closing the orgasm gap, together.