Closing the Orgasm Gap: Building Mutual Pleasure Through Communication, Curiosity, and Care

In relationships, sexual intimacy can be one of the most meaningful and vulnerable forms of connection. Yet for many couples, there’s a consistent and often unspoken disconnect in how pleasure is experienced is commonly referred to as the orgasm gap.

The orgasm gap refers to the measurable disparity in orgasm frequency between partners, especially between men and women in heterosexual relationships. Research shows that men report climaxing during sex far more often than their female partners. But this gap doesn’t have to persist—nor is it inevitable.

With the right tools, open communication, and an intentional shift in focus, couples can move toward more equitable, mutually pleasurable experiences.

What Causes the Orgasm Gap?

Understanding the root of the orgasm gap is essential to closing it. Some common contributing factors include:

Limited Focus on Clitoral Stimulation

Many people are unaware that the majority of women do not climax from vaginal penetration alone. The clitoris is often overlooked in popular depictions of sex, and it is a key center of sexual pleasure and deserves more attention.

Cultural Scripts and Misinformation

Media, movies, and even sex ed often present sex as ending when the male partner orgasms. This “one-size-fits-all” script overlooks the nuanced needs of many people, especially women and nonbinary individuals.

Poor Communication

Many couples never learn how to talk about sex openly. Embarrassment, fear of hurting a partner’s feelings, or simply not having the language to express desires can keep people silent.

Performance Pressure

Feeling rushed to climax or pressure to perform can shut down arousal and reduce sexual satisfaction for both partners.

Lack of Education

Most people receive little to no pleasure-based education around sex. Understanding sexual anatomy, arousal patterns, and what feels good takes time and exploration.

Tips for Closing the Orgasm Gap in Your Relationship

Turn-Taking During Sex

Rather than making sex a simultaneous experience, try taking turns focusing solely on one partner at a time. This helps eliminate performance pressure and ensures that both people have space to receive and explore pleasure at their own pace.

How to try turn-taking:

• Set aside a dedicated time for intimacy.

• Decide beforehand who will go first.

• The giving partner focuses entirely on the receiver's experience—without rushing or multitasking.

• Switch roles when it feels right, or in a subsequent session.

This practice allows each partner to feel prioritized and fully present, deepening trust and communication in the process.

Use Sex Toys to Enhance (Not Replace) Connection

Toys are powerful tools that can help close the orgasm gap especially for partners who benefit from clitoral stimulation or consistent stimulation.

Benefits of toys in partnered play:

• Promote more diverse stimulation and stronger orgasms.

• Reduce strain on hands or mouths.

• Help facilitate orgasms during intercourse.

• Normalize mutual exploration and novelty.

Getting started:

• Shop together either online or in person.

• Start with simple toys (e.g., bullet vibrators, vibrating rings, wands).

• Use toys externally during intercourse or turn-taking sessions.

• Check in regularly: “Do you want more pressure?” or “Would you like to try a different speed?”

Using toys should feel collaborative, not competitive, and can actually boost intimacy, fun, and satisfaction for both partners.

Show and Tell: Teaching Your Partner What Feels Good

A foundational but often skipped skill in closing the orgasm gap is physically showing your partner how you like to be touched.

This “show and tell” approach removes the guesswork and builds confidence—while encouraging vulnerability and deeper communication.

Here’s how to practice:

• During a relaxed moment, guide your partner’s hand to mimic your touch.

• Offer simple, positive feedback like “right there” or “a little lighter.”

• Masturbate in front of your partner (if comfortable) to demonstrate rhythm, location, and pressure.

• Reverse roles and ask them to show you what they like.

Over time, partners become fluent in each other’s preferences, increasing the likelihood of mutually satisfying experiences.

Slow Down and Extend Foreplay

Foreplay isn’t just a warm-up; it’s an essential part of many people’s arousal cycle. Skipping it can mean one partner is ready before the other even gets started.

Ideas to extend foreplay:

• Non-sexual touch (massages, cuddling, gentle stroking)

• Eye contact, breathwork, or synced breathing

• Kissing slowly, sustained, and exploratory

• Sensual use of scented oils or warming lubricants

Building arousal slowly increases blood flow, emotional attunement, and physical readiness, which can lead to stronger, more pleasurable orgasms, especially for those who require more time to get there.

Communicate Before, During, and After Sex

Sexual communication is not a one-time conversation—it’s a continuous practice. Cultivating an open and nonjudgmental space for feedback is one of the most effective ways to bridge the orgasm gap.

How to foster communication:

• Use positive reinforcement: “I loved when you did that thing with your fingers.”

• Ask questions like, “Was there anything you really enjoyed last time?” or “Would you like more of something?”

• After intimacy, check in: “How was that for you?” or “Anything you’d like more of next time?”

You don’t have to overanalyze every encounter, but normalizing open dialogue can help partners feel seen, heard, and satisfied.

When to Seek Support from a Sex Therapist

While these strategies are powerful, some couples still benefit from professional guidance. A certified sex therapist or couples counselor can help uncover emotional blocks, resolve longstanding communication issues, and create personalized strategies for increasing mutual pleasure.

Whether you’re exploring this topic for the first time or have been navigating the orgasm gap for years, therapy can offer a safe and supportive space to deepen intimacy, emotional connection, and sexual satisfaction.

For individuals or couples searching for sex therapy or couples counseling in Chicago or elsewhere, working with a trained professional can make all the difference. Many therapy practices offer virtual sessions, expanding access to care beyond your immediate location.

TLDR

The orgasm gap is not just about technique. It’s about equity, care, and communication. Pleasure should not be one-sided or dependent on old sexual scripts. With curiosity, openness, and a willingness to experiment, couples can co-create intimate experiences that feel good for both partners.

Whether you’re just beginning to explore this topic or already working to improve your sex life, remember: the journey toward mutual pleasure is one worth prioritizing.

Looking for support?

If you’re ready to go deeper and explore personalized tools for building sexual and emotional intimacy, working with a sex-positive therapist can help. Whether you're based in Chicago or accessing services remotely, compassionate and tailored support is available.

Explore more insights on relationships and intimacy on our blog, or contact us to take the next step toward closing the orgasm gap, together.

Pelvic Congestion Syndrome: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatments

Chronic pelvic pain is a common occurrence among people assigned female at birth, affecting an estimated 15% of people of childbearing age in the United States. One of the causes of pelvic pain is pelvic congestion syndrome (PCS). PCS occurs when varicose veins develop around the ovaries. Varicose veins are twisted, enlarged veins that most often appear on the legs because standing and walking cause the blood to engorge the leg veins. Most of the time, varicose veins are completely benign and painless but when they appear on the ovaries, they can cause pain and discomfort. The exact cause is still unknown but pregnancy and estrogen can both play key roles in making the veins structurally unsound. Any type of chronic pain can be disruptive to your life so it is important to learn about the cause of your pain and what your treatment options are. This article will cover the symptoms of pelvic congestion syndrome, how it affects one’s sex life, and the treatment options that exist. 

What are the symptoms of pelvic congestion syndrome?

Dull and achy pelvic pain is the primary symptom of PCS, but it can manifest as a sharp pain as well. The pain can be exacerbated after standing or sitting for a long time, before and during menstruation or sexual activity. Additional symptoms include varicose veins in other places like the pelvis, buttocks, and vulva, an irritable bowel, stress incontinence, and pain with urination.   

How does pelvic congestion syndrome affect one’s sex life?

As mentioned above, pelvic congestion syndrome and the associated pain tends to be exacerbated by sexual intercourse. This not only poses physical obstacles to having sex, especially penetrative sex, but chronic pain can also cause a low libido. That does not mean that you can never achieve a fulfilling sex life though. In addition to the PCS treatment options below, there are ways to have great sex without penetration. You can engage in alternative forms of intimacy, like mutual masturbation, give and/or receive a sensual massage, or cuddle skin-to-skin. There are also ways to try to boost your libido, if you so desire. None of these options provide a permanent solution, but there are treatment options that can make it easier to live with PCS. 

   What are the treatment options for pelvic congestion syndrome?

Diagnosing pelvic congestion syndrome is not easy because the symptoms are easily conflated with other conditions and there is no test that will outright prove that PCS is the culprit. For this reason, doctors will typically run tests to rule out similar conditions, as well as use imaging like ultrasounds. Ultrasounds provide a view of the soft tissue; if more detailed imaging is required, a doctor may opt for an MRI or CT scan. The goal of diagnosis and treatment is to reduce or relieve pelvic pain, but there is unfortunately no known cure for PCS. The treatment you and your doctor pursue will depend on factors such as the severity of your symptoms and your medical history.

Treatment options for PCS may include: 

• Gonadotropin hormone drugs. Gonadotropins are hormones that regulate ovarian function; they are essential for growth, development, and reproduction functions. These drugs can block ovarian function and therefore relieve some pain.  

• Progestin hormone drugs. Similarly to gonadotropins, progestin drugs are hormonal drugs that serve to relieve pain by assisting the regulatory function of your reproductive system. 

• Sclerotherapy or embolization. A sclerotherapy is a typical treatment option for any varicose veins, including pelvic veins, such as is the case for PCS. It involves a needle that injects a solution which causes the damaged vein to scar and eventually fade as blood is rerouted to healthier veins. A similar concept but different execution is gonadal vein embolization is a minimally invasive treatment that involves a small incision for a tube that is used to dispatch a sclerosant that blocks the vein, therefore guiding the blood to healthier vessels, similar to how sclerotherapy works. 

• Oophorectomy or Hysterectomy (to remove your uterus and ovaries). An oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries) and hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) are reserved for the most severe cases of PCS after milder treatments have failed. However, these procedures have been shown to be a very effective treatment for PCS pain in treatment-resistant cases.

The Bottom Line

Pelvic congestion syndrome is a taxing condition that has the potential to significantly impact your quality of life, particularly your sex life. However, with a proper diagnosis and treatment plan, you can find relief. If you suspect you have PCS, you should consult with a healthcare professional to explore your options. Additionally, if you need extra support for your mental health and/or your libido and sex life due to the chronic pain, consider reaching out to a therapist.   

How to Boost a Low Sex Drive

Everyone’s libido naturally fluctuates due to a variety of factors including stress, menstrual cycles or menopause, negative body image, and more. While it’s not requisite to address low libido if you have no interest in doing so, there are ways to try to increase libido for those who want to. Some circumstantial factors will be inescapable and for those instances, you may need to wait it out. For those who want to try to increase their libido, here are some strategies for doing so. 

Address the issue at the root

In order to address the issue, you need to identify it. Figure out the root cause of your low sex drive. Some factors to consider include stress, hormonal changes like menstrual cycles and birth control hormones, poor body image, relationship issues, medications, and alcohol consumption. If the root issue is neglected, low libido will repeatedly return until it is addressed.

Schedule sex

Many couples are mixed libido, with one desiring sex more frequently than the other. Scheduling time to connect and possibly have sex can help address this, as well as temporary lowered libido. Knowing when you’ll be having sex allows suspense to build and for you to set the mood in advance.

Rule out biological factors 

Biological factors like menopause, depression/anxiety, and stress can all affect libido. If you suspect there is something biologically wrong that is causing the low libido, visit a doctor to figure out what’s going on.

Mix it up

Sometimes libido might be low because sex has become boring. It’s easy to fall into a routine, especially with a long term relationship, but eventually this may no longer feel appealing. Exploring your sexual fantasies and kinks is a great way to experiment and make sex exciting. Read about incorporating kink here. If you’re not into kink or fantasies, try incorporating a sex toy or reading erotica with your partner.

Work on your body image

If you have a hard time with body positivity or neutrality, your self consciousness may be holding you back from desiring sex. Sex is an emotionally and physically vulnerable act. When your body image is suffering, that vulnerability feels even more difficult to achieve which disincentivizes sexual desire. Here are some resources for improving body image:

• Your Body is Not an Apology & Workbook by Sonya Renee Taylor

• Body Positive Power by Megan Crabbe

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

• Happy Fat by Sofie Hagen 

• Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon

• Hunger by Roxane Gay

• You Have the Right to Remain Fat by Virgie Tovar

Evaluate about your medications and contraceptives 

Some medications, such as SSRIs, have libido lowering side effects. If this is posing a significant problem for your sexual satisfaction, talk to your doctor about changing your regimen. Consider the potential role that your contraceptive method has on your libido. If you use certain hormonal birth control, the way it influences your hormonal cycle may affect libido. Discuss with your doctor whether your current contraceptive method is right for you.

Set the mood

An alluring environment can make sex more appealing and enjoyable, likewise a distracting one can get in the way. Some ways to set the mood include lighting candles, wearing sexy clothes or undergarments, listening to sexy music, running a bath, and giving each other massages.

TLDR

Rest assured, low libido is something most people encounter at some point in their life. If after implementing a variety of strategies to increase libido you still struggle with low libido, consider seeing a doctor to ensure nothing more serious is at the root. In instances where emotional issues are at the root, consider reaching out to a therapist. Be patient with yourself and listen to your mind and body.