Closing the Orgasm Gap: Building Mutual Pleasure Through Communication, Curiosity, and Care

In relationships, sexual intimacy can be one of the most meaningful and vulnerable forms of connection. Yet for many couples, there’s a consistent and often unspoken disconnect in how pleasure is experienced is commonly referred to as the orgasm gap.

The orgasm gap refers to the measurable disparity in orgasm frequency between partners, especially between men and women in heterosexual relationships. Research shows that men report climaxing during sex far more often than their female partners. But this gap doesn’t have to persist—nor is it inevitable.

With the right tools, open communication, and an intentional shift in focus, couples can move toward more equitable, mutually pleasurable experiences.

What Causes the Orgasm Gap?

Understanding the root of the orgasm gap is essential to closing it. Some common contributing factors include:

Limited Focus on Clitoral Stimulation

Many people are unaware that the majority of women do not climax from vaginal penetration alone. The clitoris is often overlooked in popular depictions of sex, and it is a key center of sexual pleasure and deserves more attention.

Cultural Scripts and Misinformation

Media, movies, and even sex ed often present sex as ending when the male partner orgasms. This “one-size-fits-all” script overlooks the nuanced needs of many people, especially women and nonbinary individuals.

Poor Communication

Many couples never learn how to talk about sex openly. Embarrassment, fear of hurting a partner’s feelings, or simply not having the language to express desires can keep people silent.

Performance Pressure

Feeling rushed to climax or pressure to perform can shut down arousal and reduce sexual satisfaction for both partners.

Lack of Education

Most people receive little to no pleasure-based education around sex. Understanding sexual anatomy, arousal patterns, and what feels good takes time and exploration.

Tips for Closing the Orgasm Gap in Your Relationship

Turn-Taking During Sex

Rather than making sex a simultaneous experience, try taking turns focusing solely on one partner at a time. This helps eliminate performance pressure and ensures that both people have space to receive and explore pleasure at their own pace.

How to try turn-taking:

• Set aside a dedicated time for intimacy.

• Decide beforehand who will go first.

• The giving partner focuses entirely on the receiver's experience—without rushing or multitasking.

• Switch roles when it feels right, or in a subsequent session.

This practice allows each partner to feel prioritized and fully present, deepening trust and communication in the process.

Use Sex Toys to Enhance (Not Replace) Connection

Toys are powerful tools that can help close the orgasm gap especially for partners who benefit from clitoral stimulation or consistent stimulation.

Benefits of toys in partnered play:

• Promote more diverse stimulation and stronger orgasms.

• Reduce strain on hands or mouths.

• Help facilitate orgasms during intercourse.

• Normalize mutual exploration and novelty.

Getting started:

• Shop together either online or in person.

• Start with simple toys (e.g., bullet vibrators, vibrating rings, wands).

• Use toys externally during intercourse or turn-taking sessions.

• Check in regularly: “Do you want more pressure?” or “Would you like to try a different speed?”

Using toys should feel collaborative, not competitive, and can actually boost intimacy, fun, and satisfaction for both partners.

Show and Tell: Teaching Your Partner What Feels Good

A foundational but often skipped skill in closing the orgasm gap is physically showing your partner how you like to be touched.

This “show and tell” approach removes the guesswork and builds confidence—while encouraging vulnerability and deeper communication.

Here’s how to practice:

• During a relaxed moment, guide your partner’s hand to mimic your touch.

• Offer simple, positive feedback like “right there” or “a little lighter.”

• Masturbate in front of your partner (if comfortable) to demonstrate rhythm, location, and pressure.

• Reverse roles and ask them to show you what they like.

Over time, partners become fluent in each other’s preferences, increasing the likelihood of mutually satisfying experiences.

Slow Down and Extend Foreplay

Foreplay isn’t just a warm-up; it’s an essential part of many people’s arousal cycle. Skipping it can mean one partner is ready before the other even gets started.

Ideas to extend foreplay:

• Non-sexual touch (massages, cuddling, gentle stroking)

• Eye contact, breathwork, or synced breathing

• Kissing slowly, sustained, and exploratory

• Sensual use of scented oils or warming lubricants

Building arousal slowly increases blood flow, emotional attunement, and physical readiness, which can lead to stronger, more pleasurable orgasms, especially for those who require more time to get there.

Communicate Before, During, and After Sex

Sexual communication is not a one-time conversation—it’s a continuous practice. Cultivating an open and nonjudgmental space for feedback is one of the most effective ways to bridge the orgasm gap.

How to foster communication:

• Use positive reinforcement: “I loved when you did that thing with your fingers.”

• Ask questions like, “Was there anything you really enjoyed last time?” or “Would you like more of something?”

• After intimacy, check in: “How was that for you?” or “Anything you’d like more of next time?”

You don’t have to overanalyze every encounter, but normalizing open dialogue can help partners feel seen, heard, and satisfied.

When to Seek Support from a Sex Therapist

While these strategies are powerful, some couples still benefit from professional guidance. A certified sex therapist or couples counselor can help uncover emotional blocks, resolve longstanding communication issues, and create personalized strategies for increasing mutual pleasure.

Whether you’re exploring this topic for the first time or have been navigating the orgasm gap for years, therapy can offer a safe and supportive space to deepen intimacy, emotional connection, and sexual satisfaction.

For individuals or couples searching for sex therapy or couples counseling in Chicago or elsewhere, working with a trained professional can make all the difference. Many therapy practices offer virtual sessions, expanding access to care beyond your immediate location.

TLDR

The orgasm gap is not just about technique. It’s about equity, care, and communication. Pleasure should not be one-sided or dependent on old sexual scripts. With curiosity, openness, and a willingness to experiment, couples can co-create intimate experiences that feel good for both partners.

Whether you’re just beginning to explore this topic or already working to improve your sex life, remember: the journey toward mutual pleasure is one worth prioritizing.

Looking for support?

If you’re ready to go deeper and explore personalized tools for building sexual and emotional intimacy, working with a sex-positive therapist can help. Whether you're based in Chicago or accessing services remotely, compassionate and tailored support is available.

Explore more insights on relationships and intimacy on our blog, or contact us to take the next step toward closing the orgasm gap, together.

Exploring Clitoral Stimulation: How to Have an Orgasm

The clitoris is the only part of human anatomy made solely for pleasure. The clitoris has not been given an appropriate amount of time and attention by researchers, doctors, and society at large to be understood well. This effect trickles down into everyday interpersonal interactions, leading to people both with and without clitorises struggling to understand how to interact with it in a pleasurable way, to use it for its sole purpose! With a lack of comprehensive, accurate information available about the clitoris and how to derive pleasure from it, trying to please someone with a clitoris, either yourself or a partner’s, might seem like a daunting task without so much as a roadmap. This article will serve as a guide to the clitoris and how to figure out what feels good for you.

What is the clitoris?

The part of the vulva that most people think of as the clitoris is actually the clitoral glans, just the tip of the iceberg - and the tip of the entire clitoral structure. The clitoral glans is actually the external tip of an internal structure back and down both sides of the vagina, a shape closely resembling a wishbone. The glans is located where the top of the inner labia meet at the crest of the vulva. The labia form a small hood that covers the glans (to different degrees depending on the person) called the clitoral hood. 

The glans comes in many sizes and shapes and since it is the external part of the clitoris, it is the primary (but not sole!) focus of sexual stimulation. When aroused, the clitoris becomes engorged with blood and more sensitive, and often this exposes the glans more. One study estimated that the glans contains, on average, 10,000+ nerve endings which is more than any other single part of the human body! That means the clitoris also contains a lot of potential for pleasure.        

How to Stimulate the Clitoris

Each person’s anatomy, sexual history, trauma, and medical history are unique to them. This means what feels good to one person might not work for another person. That is why it is important to understand different types of stimulation. 

Two categories for stimulation include “broad” and “pinpoint”. Broad stimulation may include grinding against a pillow or or rubbing a hand against the glans, encapsulating more than just the glans in the process. Pinpoint stimulation is more focused on the glans or clitoral hood directly, like tapping the glans or rubbing it with a finger. 

Let’s explore some specific types of clitoral stimulation…

Rubbing: This can be up and down or back and forth with your hand, a finger, a sex toy, or creative accessory like beads.  

Tapping: This entails repeated light blows, usually with a finger, on the glans and hood, as slow or fast as feels good. 

Grinding: This means rubbing your genitals against an object such as a pillow, a partner’s thigh, or a sex toy.      

Orbiting: This is when you use a finger or toy to circle on or around the clitoral glans and hood.

Pulling: This technique is particularly effective with a larger glans, where you use the pads of your pointer finger and thumb to clasp the glans and pull on it back and forth.

Experimenting with toys: Sex toys are an excellent tool to have on hand, especially for clitoral stimulation. The first vibrator was invented in the early 1880s, originally for muscle aches, but quickly people discovered how it might be used elsewhere. These days, there are a variety of options of vibrators and non-vibrating clitoral sex toys. Common categories are wand vibrators, suction vibrators, bullet vibrators, palm vibrators, finger vibrators, remote control vibrators, and grinding accessories!      

Internal Stimulation: Also known as vaginal stimulation, internal clitoral stimulation involves penetrating the vagina. Since the clitoris is a larger structure that extends beyond the glans, it is possible to stimulate it through vaginal penetration. The classic way to do this is to make a “come hither” motion to stimulate the top of the vaginal canal with a few fingers.

It will likely take trial and error to figure out what feels best for any given person with a clitoris. If you have a clitoris and you want a sexual partner to pleasure it, it is wise to first figure out for yourself what feels good. Without being able to guide them, it will take much longer to derive pleasure from a partner’s touch. 

Takeaway

Finally, it is important to keep in mind that orgasms are not necessarily the be-all-end-all of sexual pleasure. There are a variety of reasons that someone may not be experiencing an orgasm during solo or partnered sex. Pleasuring the clitoris is one part of the puzzle for orgasming, which often needs to be paired with other puzzle pieces like foreplay, feeling safe and comfortable, and other factors in order to result in orgasm. Even then, it may not happen and that is okay. Having sex without an orgasm does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. However, if you are concerned about having an orgasm, consider consulting a sexuality professional like a sexual medicine physician or sex therapist.

3 Reasons to Seek Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a therapeutic niche that addresses a wide range of sexuality-related concerns. Sexuality is a central part of being human so it makes sense that there is a need for professionals to guide us through issues pertaining to such a personal and important subject. Even the most knowledgable people about sexuality and relationships can benefit from having a neutral third party to work through internalized biases and judgments, relationship issues, sexual and gender identity, and more. Here are some reasons why you may seek a sex therapist:

You’re processing sexual trauma

Did you know that every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted? Sexual assault is probably the first thing that comes to mind when you think of sexual trauma and while sexual trauma does include assault, it encapsulates more than that. It also includes issues such as chronic objectification and sexual shaming, sexual harassment like being catcalled, and both physical and emotional incest. These are complex, damaging traumas that left untreated can lead to depression and anxiety, among other issues. Sex therapists can help you work through your sexual trauma and any associated issues.

You’re unsatisfied with the state of your sex life and/or relationship as a whole

Sex therapy is a great resource for both individuals and people in a relationship working through sex and relationship issues. Humans are imperfect and therefore so are our relationships. Sometimes relationship and/or sex life tension start feeling insurmountable, which is where a sex therapist comes in. They can help individuals identify their wants and needs and work through sexual dissatisfaction. For people in relationships seeking treatment together, a therapist can mediate a discussion where all partners can have a say and be heard, facilitating a hopefully effective and kind dialogue.

You have difficulty achieving orgasm or arousal

There is nothing wrong with struggling to achieve orgasm or arousal. That being said, if it bothers you, you might consider seeking out a sex therapist after identifying or ruling out any physical causes. A therapist can help you pinpoint the source of the difficulty and work through it with you. Even if you are unable to “fix” the issue, a good therapist can hopefully help you find ways to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life.

These are just a few examples of what sex therapy can be helpful for. If you’re unsure if sex therapy is right for you or where to start, reach out to ESW team to see if we may be a fit for you.