How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

Practical Tips for Learning What You Like in Bed

Read and watch erotica

“Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

• Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

• Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

• How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

• Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

• Do you like dirty talk?

• Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

• How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

• How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

• What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

• Do you want to be penetrated?

• What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

Exploring Clitoral Stimulation: How to Have an Orgasm

The clitoris is the only part of human anatomy made solely for pleasure. The clitoris has not been given an appropriate amount of time and attention by researchers, doctors, and society at large to be understood well. This effect trickles down into everyday interpersonal interactions, leading to people both with and without clitorises struggling to understand how to interact with it in a pleasurable way, to use it for its sole purpose! With a lack of comprehensive, accurate information available about the clitoris and how to derive pleasure from it, trying to please someone with a clitoris, either yourself or a partner’s, might seem like a daunting task without so much as a roadmap. This article will serve as a guide to the clitoris and how to figure out what feels good for you.

What is the clitoris?

The part of the vulva that most people think of as the clitoris is actually the clitoral glans, just the tip of the iceberg - and the tip of the entire clitoral structure. The clitoral glans is actually the external tip of an internal structure back and down both sides of the vagina, a shape closely resembling a wishbone. The glans is located where the top of the inner labia meet at the crest of the vulva. The labia form a small hood that covers the glans (to different degrees depending on the person) called the clitoral hood. 

The glans comes in many sizes and shapes and since it is the external part of the clitoris, it is the primary (but not sole!) focus of sexual stimulation. When aroused, the clitoris becomes engorged with blood and more sensitive, and often this exposes the glans more. One study estimated that the glans contains, on average, 10,000+ nerve endings which is more than any other single part of the human body! That means the clitoris also contains a lot of potential for pleasure.        

How to Stimulate the Clitoris

Each person’s anatomy, sexual history, trauma, and medical history are unique to them. This means what feels good to one person might not work for another person. That is why it is important to understand different types of stimulation. 

Two categories for stimulation include “broad” and “pinpoint”. Broad stimulation may include grinding against a pillow or or rubbing a hand against the glans, encapsulating more than just the glans in the process. Pinpoint stimulation is more focused on the glans or clitoral hood directly, like tapping the glans or rubbing it with a finger. 

Let’s explore some specific types of clitoral stimulation…

Rubbing: This can be up and down or back and forth with your hand, a finger, a sex toy, or creative accessory like beads.  

Tapping: This entails repeated light blows, usually with a finger, on the glans and hood, as slow or fast as feels good. 

Grinding: This means rubbing your genitals against an object such as a pillow, a partner’s thigh, or a sex toy.      

Orbiting: This is when you use a finger or toy to circle on or around the clitoral glans and hood.

Pulling: This technique is particularly effective with a larger glans, where you use the pads of your pointer finger and thumb to clasp the glans and pull on it back and forth.

Experimenting with toys: Sex toys are an excellent tool to have on hand, especially for clitoral stimulation. The first vibrator was invented in the early 1880s, originally for muscle aches, but quickly people discovered how it might be used elsewhere. These days, there are a variety of options of vibrators and non-vibrating clitoral sex toys. Common categories are wand vibrators, suction vibrators, bullet vibrators, palm vibrators, finger vibrators, remote control vibrators, and grinding accessories!      

Internal Stimulation: Also known as vaginal stimulation, internal clitoral stimulation involves penetrating the vagina. Since the clitoris is a larger structure that extends beyond the glans, it is possible to stimulate it through vaginal penetration. The classic way to do this is to make a “come hither” motion to stimulate the top of the vaginal canal with a few fingers.

It will likely take trial and error to figure out what feels best for any given person with a clitoris. If you have a clitoris and you want a sexual partner to pleasure it, it is wise to first figure out for yourself what feels good. Without being able to guide them, it will take much longer to derive pleasure from a partner’s touch. 

Takeaway

Finally, it is important to keep in mind that orgasms are not necessarily the be-all-end-all of sexual pleasure. There are a variety of reasons that someone may not be experiencing an orgasm during solo or partnered sex. Pleasuring the clitoris is one part of the puzzle for orgasming, which often needs to be paired with other puzzle pieces like foreplay, feeling safe and comfortable, and other factors in order to result in orgasm. Even then, it may not happen and that is okay. Having sex without an orgasm does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. However, if you are concerned about having an orgasm, consider consulting a sexuality professional like a sexual medicine physician or sex therapist.

Audio Erotica: What Is It And How Is It Different From Porn?

We live in a time of major porn variety, where the options seem endless. One option has been gaining popularity over the last few years – especially during the early days of the pandemic – and doesn’t appear to be slowing down: audio erotica. Audio erotica is a great alternative to visual porn methods, as evidenced by the multitude of companies focusing on audio established recently. People can have many reasons for switching up their porn consumption methods, especially now that ethical porn is more sought out.

This style of porn is unique in more than one way. Aside from being a fairly new way for porn consumers to switch up sexual routine, listening to rather than looking at porn allows you to practice “mental framing” - scene conjuring and visualization - to get turned on. Anyone can use mental framing, though according to a 2018 study by sex education platform OMGYes and The Kinsey Institute, 90% of women are more likely to use it to imagine sexual fantasies. Even so, audio erotica is great for men and other genders as well as women.

For people of color, trans, fat, and disabled folks – anyone who isn’t traditionally represented in mainstream porn, including those with body image issues – audio erotica is a helpful non-visual alternative. Using your imagination purely to visualize a scene takes away distractions and makes inserting yourself into whatever fantasy you are looking for a whole lot easier. 

Some even say audio porn is better for your brain, since there are no blue screens or eye strain, cutting down screen time and exposure to blue light.

Accessibility is a major benefit of audio erotica. Visually impaired people and those with chronic migraines, which can often be triggered by screens, have few options for porn. Even though sites like PornHub have “described video” add-ons, the selection leaves much to be desired. The fact is that slapping automated video descriptions onto visually driven porn can often miss the mark - but audio and online erotica focuses all its energy on a full-bodied sensory experience. Just like ethical visual porn, there are some groundbreakers in the audio porn industry, and it’s thankfully becoming easier to find a creator that scratches an itch.

Here are three erotica sites on the market today, all of which come with free trials or entirely free sections:

1. Dipsea is arguably the most well-known audio erotica fiction app, with over 5.2 million listens in 2022 and hundreds of stories to choose from. Founded in 2017, Dipsea kicked off a wave of earworm erotica (catchy and popular audio porn) and is notable for featuring queer stories voiced by actual queer voice actors, including their first non-binary actor last year.

2. BLOOM features different genres like “Dirty Talk” and “Play Sessions,” in which a voice actor talks directly to the listener and walks them through masturbation guides, respectively. An app is currently in development and due to be up sometime this year, but until then, their website has a wide variety of options.

   3. Quinn, founded by Snapchat CEO’s sister Caroline Spiegel, has gotten a lot of buzz lately for their celeb voice actors (most notably, Jesse Williams from Grey’s Anatomy). Quinn’s structure is extremely user-friendly, with easily navigated playlists and actor pages so that listeners can get the most out of their favorite erotic stories.

With audio erotica, spending the extra minute to look through options can make a world of difference! All of the companies listed above are woman-owned and ethical sources to keep your sexual wellness in top shape. If you’ve never tried audio erotica before, Dipsea, BLOOM, and Quinn are excellent places to start your journey and get comfortable with new and different sensations - you can even share stories with partners and learn more about each other’s turn-ons.

Want to read more about erotica and fantasies? Check out our blogs on sharing erotica with partners and finding ethical porn. Keeping your sexual health habits interesting with audio porn is great for your mind and body - just one more option for maintaining lifelong sexual wellness.