What Happens to Your Sex Life After a Loss?

Grief changes us. It doesn’t just affect our emotions or thoughts, it can impact every aspect of how we move through the world, including our sexuality. While we often talk about how grief shapes mental health or daily functioning, conversations about its effect on intimacy and sexual expression are less common, yet equally important.

At Embrace Sexual Wellness, our team of sex therapists work with individuals and couples navigating the complex ways loss shows up in their relationships and their bodies. Whether you're grieving the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a health diagnosis, or the loss of a long-held identity, these experiences can deeply influence how you connect with yourself and others.

How Does Grief Affect Your Sex Life and Intimacy?

Grief can stem from many forms of loss, not just bereavement. It might come from a divorce, a miscarriage, infertility, the onset of chronic illness, or even the loss of a life you once envisioned for yourself. Regardless of the source, grief can leave a lasting imprint on your nervous system, which directly influences how safe and present you feel in your body, and that’s central to sexuality.

One common experience during grief is a significant decrease in sexual desire. The body’s natural response to stress, sadness, and emotional overwhelm can make it difficult to feel sensual or intimate. When your nervous system is focused on survival, connection and pleasure often take a back seat.

Others may feel a kind of emotional numbness that makes it hard to engage in physical intimacy. It's not uncommon to feel disconnected from your body or to go through the motions without feeling present. Some people experience guilt when they begin to feel desire again, as if experiencing pleasure somehow dishonors the person or life they’re grieving.

On the other hand, grief can sometimes heighten the need for closeness or physical contact. For some, sex becomes a way to cope, to feel alive, to escape, or to re-establish a sense of connection. There’s no single “right” response. What matters is understanding how your grief is influencing your relationship to your body and intimacy.

Navigating Grief in a Relationship

When you're in a relationship, grief doesn’t occur in a vacuum; it can shift the dynamics between you and your partner. One person might pull away from sex while the other seeks it out for comfort. These different responses can create tension, misunderstanding, or even resentment if not openly acknowledged.

A couples therapist can help support parnters in making space for these differences. Our providers help couples talk about what’s happening emotionally and physically without judgment, so you can rebuild intimacy in a way that honors each person's needs and pace.

Communication becomes a vital tool. Being able to say, “I’m feeling shut down lately and don’t know how to ask for what I need,” or “I miss the closeness we used to have, but I’m also afraid to rush things,” can begin to bridge the gap between you and your partner. These aren’t easy conversations, but they’re essential for healing together.

Reclaiming Intimacy After Loss

There is no timeline for when or how grief should resolve, and no rulebook for how you should feel about sex in the aftermath. Some people feel ready to reconnect with their bodies and their partners after a few weeks; for others, it might take months or even years. That’s okay.

One of the most healing things you can do is allow yourself to be exactly where you are. You may find comfort in small gestures (e.g., holding hands, cuddling, sharing quiet time without expectations). These forms of non-sexual touch can be powerful stepping stones back to connection.

Some people find that practices like mindfulness, breathwork, or gentle movement help them feel more grounded in their bodies. These approaches can support the slow rebuilding of bodily awareness and sensation after a period of disconnection.

At our practice, we frequently guide clients through this reawakening process with compassion and patience. Whether you're coming in alone or as a couple, we provide a space where your grief and your sexuality can coexist without shame.

Grieving the Loss of Sexual Functioning and Intimacy

Grief doesn’t only arise from the loss of people, it can also stem from changes in how we experience our own bodies. For many individuals, sexual functioning concerns like erectile dysfunction (ED), prostate cancer and breast cancer, or other medical conditions can lead to a profound sense of loss. The grief that follows may not be widely talked about, but it’s very real.

These changes can impact not just physical intimacy, but also self-image, confidence, and emotional closeness with a partner. Sex therapy can be very helpful for couples facing these challenges to process the grief of what’s been lost and explore new, meaningful ways to connect. Whether you're navigating a medical diagnosis or adjusting to a new phase in your sexual life, support is available and healing is possible.

When Grief Is Complicated by Trauma

In some cases, grief is tangled up with trauma such as sudden loss, medical complications, or abusive dynamics. This can trigger deeper nervous system responses like panic, shutdown, or dissociation during sex. If you’re experiencing flashbacks, anxiety, or intense fear around intimacy, know that you’re not broken. These are trauma responses, not personal failures.

Our team of sex therapists take a trauma-informed approach and are trained to work gently with these experiences. We’re here to help you rebuild trust with your body and your sense of safety, one step at a time.

You Deserve Support

Grief affects every part of life, including areas we’re often told to keep private, like our sex lives. But sexuality is part of your humanity, and it deserves care, even in the midst of loss.

If you’re in Chicagoland or one of the states we’re licensed in, our team of compassionate sex therapists is here to support you through the complex, often painful terrain of grieving while honoring your need for connection, pleasure, and healing. Whether you’re trying to rediscover desire, strengthen a relationship, or simply make sense of what you're feeling, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

We believe grief and intimacy aren’t mutually exclusive. They can exist side by side and when held with care, both can lead you toward deeper self-understanding and more authentic connection.

If you're ready to start therapy, we're here to help...

Reach out today to schedule a consultation with one of our experienced relationship counselors or sex therapists. Let’s get started together.

Is Your Porn Use Affecting Your Mental Health?

Pornography is widely accessible, incredibly common, and for many, a private part of their sexual lives. But not everyone feels good about their use. In my work as a Chicago sex therapist, one question I hear often is, "Does porn cause anxiety? How do I know if porn is a problem?" The answer isn’t always straightforward, but it’s an important one to explore, especially if you’re feeling conflicted, overwhelmed, or out of sync with yourself or your relationships.

Let’s talk about what might be happening beneath the surface.

What We Know About Porn and Anxiety

Research shows that porn use doesn’t cause anxiety in everyone. In fact, for many people, occasional use doesn’t create emotional distress at all. However, anxiety can emerge when porn use becomes tied to shame, secrecy, relational conflict, or emotional regulation difficulties.

Some people watch porn and feel fine. Others might feel increasingly anxious, either during or after viewing, especially if they’re using it to cope with difficult emotions like loneliness, sadness, or stress.

Here are a few ways anxiety can show up in relation to porn:

• Guilt or shame after watching

• Worry about being caught or judged

• Escalating use (e.g., needing more extreme content or longer sessions to feel satisfied)

• Difficulty stopping, even when the urge to watch gets in the way of other priorities

• Fear of how porn may be affecting intimacy or connection with a partner

The anxiety itself may not be caused by porn, but rather by the thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors surrounding its use.

Signs Your Porn Use Might Be Impacting Your Mental Health

Not everyone who watches porn has a problem with it, but some people do feel a lack of control, distress, or discomfort related to their use. If you’re asking yourself whether porn is affecting your well-being, consider the following questions:

• Do you feel anxious, irritable, or down after watching porn?

• Have you tried to stop or reduce your use and found it difficult?

• Do you use porn to avoid dealing with difficult emotions?

• Is porn interfering with your sleep, focus, or productivity?

• Have you noticed less interest in partnered sex or emotional connection?

• Do you keep your use secret from people close to you out of fear or shame?

Answering yes to one or more of these questions doesn’t necessarily mean you’re addicted, but it might be a sign that it’s time to take a closer look.

When Is It a Problem? (And When It’s Not)

There’s no universal standard for “healthy” or “unhealthy” porn use. Context matters. For some people, watching porn occasionally fits comfortably into their lives. For others, it becomes a cycle of avoidance, secrecy, or compulsive behavior.

It’s important to avoid jumping to conclusions like “I’m addicted” or “something is wrong with me.” Instead, the more helpful question is: Is my porn use aligned with my values and goals?

When people feel like their behavior no longer reflects who they want to be or when they feel increasingly anxious, ashamed, or disconnected, that’s usually when therapy can help.

How Therapy Can Help You Explore Your Relationship with Porn

Working with a sex therapist can help you understand why you’re watching porn, how you feel before and after, and what patterns might be worth shifting.

Certified Sex Therapists can help you explore:

• The emotional function of porn use (e.g., Is it a coping tool? A habit? A source of fantasy?)

• The role of shame and sexual messaging in how you view yourself

• Whether anxiety is linked to other aspects of your life such as stress, trauma, or relationships

• How to develop healthy coping strategies and regulation tools

• How to have a more conscious and intentional sexual relationship with yourself and with others

You don’t need to pathologize your behavior to explore it. In fact, one of the most powerful things you can do is get curious without judgment.

Porn and Relationships

For those in relationships, porn can sometimes become a point of conflict. If your partner is uncomfortable with your use or if you feel disconnected from intimacy or sexual closeness, it can lead to tension, secrecy, or resentment.

Therapy can support individuals and couples in navigating these concerns with empathy and communication. It’s not about blaming, but about understanding the role porn plays and how it intersects with emotional and sexual connection.

Does Porn Cause Anxiety?

Here’s the bottom line: Porn doesn’t cause anxiety on its own. How you relate to it, how you use it, how you feel about it, and what needs it might be meeting can contribute to anxiety.

If you’re feeling distressed, conflicted, or confused about your porn use, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Therapy can help you explore what’s behind the behavior and find a more empowered relationship with your sexuality.

Looking for a sex therapist to talk about porn, anxiety, or intimacy concerns? Our team at Embrace Sexual Wellness specializes in helping people navigate these topics with compassion, curiosity, and evidence-based care. Book a free consultation to get started.

Is It Normal to Bleed After Sex, And What Should I Do About It?

Bleeding after sex can be unexpected, confusing, and even frightening. Maybe it’s a few drops of pink on the sheets. Maybe it feels more like spotting. Or maybe you weren’t sure it was even related to sex until it happened a few times in a row.

If you've found yourself wondering, “Is this normal?” or “Is something wrong with me?” you’re not alone and you're not overreacting.

Many of our clients come to therapy carrying uncertainty around what they’re experiencing in their bodies, especially when it comes to things like sexual pain, discomfort, or bleeding during or after sex. These symptoms are often dismissed or minimized, and that can leave people feeling isolated, ashamed, or unsure of what to do next.

Let’s talk about what post-sex bleeding can mean, when to seek medical care, and how sex therapy can support you emotionally, relationally, and sexually.

Is Bleeding After Sex Common?

In short: yes, it’s relatively common, but that doesn’t mean it should be ignored.

The medical term for bleeding after penetrative sex is postcoital bleeding. Studies estimate that up to 9% of menstruating people experience it at some point. It can happen to anyone regardless of your age, sexual orientation, gender identity, or relationship status.

Postcoital bleeding can happen after:

• Vaginal or anal penetration

• Use of sex toys or fingers

• A new sexual partner or different position

• Rough or prolonged intercourse

• Sex after a long period of abstinence

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, exploring a new connection, dating casually, or single and reconnecting with your body, this experience is valid, and deserves attention.

What Causes Bleeding After Sex?

Bleeding can be caused by several different factors. Some are minor and temporary, while others may require medical attention.

Vaginal Dryness or Lack of Arousal

If your body isn’t fully lubricated, penetration can cause small tears in the vaginal walls, leading to light bleeding. This can happen if you’re not fully aroused, feeling anxious, or navigating hormonal changes (like postpartum, perimenopause, or the effects of certain medications).

Cervical Sensitivity

Some people have a cervix that is naturally more sensitive or lower in position, making it more prone to bleeding with deeper penetration or certain positions.

Friction or Rough Sex

Even if sex is consensual and pleasurable, higher-intensity or prolonged penetration can irritate delicate tissue. Using toys, strap-ons, or fingers for penetration may be related if there’s not enough lube or warm-up.

Infections

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) like chlamydia or gonorrhea can cause inflammation and increase bleeding. Bacterial vaginosis or yeast infections may also lead to irritation and spotting.

Polyps or Cervical Changes

Non-cancerous growths on the cervix or uterus (like polyps or fibroids) can cause bleeding during or after sex. In some cases, cervical cell changes due to HPV or other conditions may also lead to spotting.

Trauma or Injury

Unintentional tearing of the vaginal or anal tissues can happen during sex, especially if there’s inadequate preparation, insufficient lube, or communication challenges about pacing and comfort.

When to See a Medical Provider

While occasional light spotting isn’t always a cause for concern, consistent or heavy bleeding after sex should always be evaluated by a provider.

You should reach out to a medical professional if you:

• Bleed after sex regularly

• Notice pain, burning, or discomfort

• Experience bleeding outside of your menstrual cycle

• Have discharge, odor, or other new symptoms

• Haven’t had a recent pelvic exam or STI screening

Our team of sex therapists can also connect you with a gynecologist or primary care provider you trust. Queer-friendly and trauma-informed providers are available, and your experience deserves to be taken seriously, without shame or dismissal.

Emotional and Relational Impacts of Post-Sex Bleeding

Beyond the physical symptoms, bleeding after sex can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. Many of our clients describe feeling:

• Embarrassed or ashamed

• Afraid to initiate or enjoy sex

• Distant from their partner(s)

• Anxious about being “too much” or “not normal”

• Reluctant to talk to providers for fear of judgment

This is where relationship therapy can be a powerful part of your support system.

How Sex Therapy Can Help

We offer a compassionate, affirming space to process what you're experiencing, whether you’re dealing with physical discomfort, relational tension, or emotional blocks.

Here’s how sex therapy can support you:

Unpack the Emotional Impact

You might logically know bleeding is common, but still feel embarrassed, anxious, or frustrated. Therapy helps you explore those feelings and reduce the shame that often keeps people silent or disconnected.

Address Fear and Avoidance

It’s common to start avoiding sex or intimacy out of fear that you’ll bleed, hurt, or upset your partner. In therapy, we work to understand and gently shift these patterns so you can reconnect with your body on your terms.

Improve Communication

Whether you’re partnered or dating, or even preparing to explore intimacy again, therapy can help you communicate your needs and boundaries more confidently, without apologizing for your body.

Explore Queer-Affirming, Inclusive Sexual Health

If you’re queer, non-monogamous, or nonbinary, your experience matters. We understand that your sexual health concerns may not fit into a traditional framework, and we’re here to hold space for the full spectrum of identities, relationships, and practices.

You Are Not Alone And You’re Not Broken

Your body is speaking to you. Bleeding after sex may not always mean something serious, but it is always worth exploring. Whether you're concerned, confused, or just want to feel more confident navigating sex and intimacy; it’s okay to ask questions and seek care.

If you're looking for support that goes beyond a quick Google search, or you've ever typed “sex therapist near me” hoping to find someone who gets it, know that you're in the right place.

Support Is Available

At Embrace Sexual Wellness, we specialize in working with people of all orientations and relationship styles who are navigating issues like discomfort during sex, low desire, performance anxiety, and intimacy after physical or emotional pain. We’re based in Chicago, IL, and also serve clients virtually in Illinois, Indiana, Idaho, Kansas, and Louisiana.

Whether you’re partnered, single, newly dating, queer, or questioning, your experience is valid, and your body deserves care. Book a free phone consultation with us today!