The Invisible Load Women Carry and Its Impact on Sexual Desire

The Invisible Load Women Carry and How It Impacts Libido

Many women come into therapy saying some version of the same thing: “I love my partner, but I just don’t want sex anymore.” Often this concern is quickly framed as a problem of low libido, hormonal imbalance, or individual dysfunction. But emerging research and clinical experience tell a more nuanced story. Low sexual desire in women is frequently connected to the invisible load they carry in their relationships and daily lives.

As Chicago sex therapists, we view sexual desire not as something that exists in isolation, but as deeply influenced by emotional, relational, and social context. One important factor that often goes unnamed is the mental and emotional labor women perform every day, both inside and outside of their relationships.

What Is the Invisible Load?

The invisible load refers to the ongoing mental and emotional labor required to manage daily life. This includes remembering appointments, tracking schedules, anticipating needs, managing household logistics, and emotionally monitoring the well being of others. Unlike physical chores, this labor is often unseen, unmeasured, and unacknowledged.

In many heterosexual relationships, women take on a disproportionate share of this mental load. Even when both partners work full time, women are more likely to be the ones who remember what needs to be done, plan ahead, and ensure things do not fall through the cracks. This constant cognitive effort requires attention, emotional regulation, and mental energy.

Over time, carrying this invisible load can lead to chronic stress and exhaustion. These states are not fertile ground for sexual desire.

How Does the Invisible Load Affect Sexual Desire?

Sexual desire is sensitive to stress, fatigue, and relational dynamics. When a woman is mentally tracking everyone’s needs and responsibilities, her nervous system often stays in a state of vigilance. Desire, however, tends to flourish in states of safety, relaxation, and connection.

Research supports this connection. A growing body of literature suggests that women who perceive household labor as unfair or who feel overly responsible for managing domestic and emotional tasks report lower sexual desire for their partners. When one partner feels like the manager of the relationship or household, attraction can shift into resentment, fatigue, or emotional distance.

In our therapy sessions, we often hear women describe feeling more like a caretaker than a partner. When someone feels responsible for organizing life for another adult, it becomes difficult to access erotic energy. Desire struggles when the relational dynamic feels imbalanced.

Why Unequal Labor Changes How Partners Are Seen

One key insight from recent research is that unequal divisions of labor can change how women perceive their partners. When a partner is experienced as dependent or disengaged from responsibility, it can reduce feelings of attraction. Sexual desire is closely linked to how we experience our partner emotionally and relationally.

When a woman feels she must remind, manage, or oversee her partner’s responsibilities, the relationship can begin to resemble a parent child dynamic rather than an adult partnership. This shift can make sexual connection feel forced or unappealing, even when love and commitment remain strong.

Importantly, this is not about blame. These patterns are often rooted in broader social norms and gender expectations rather than conscious choices. Still, their impact on intimacy is real.

The Role of Gender Norms and Heteronormativity

The study informing this discussion introduces what is referred to as a heteronormativity theory of low sexual desire. This framework suggests that traditional gender roles contribute to women’s diminished desire in heterosexual relationships.

Cultural expectations often position women as caregivers, organizers, and emotional managers. Men, on the other hand, may be socialized to focus less on relational and domestic labor. Over time, these patterns create inequities that quietly erode desire.

This perspective challenges the idea that low libido is primarily a biological or psychological flaw within women. Instead, it reframes low desire as a reasonable response to unequal relational demands and chronic mental load.

Why This Is Not Just About Doing More Chores

It is tempting to reduce this conversation to a checklist of tasks. While sharing physical chores matters, the invisible load goes deeper than who does the dishes or laundry.

Mental labor includes anticipating needs, planning ahead, noticing what needs attention, and carrying the emotional weight of responsibility. Even when partners help with tasks, women often remain the ones who notice, assign, or remind. That cognitive responsibility itself is exhausting.

This ongoing mental effort keeps the brain in problem solving mode. Desire, by contrast, often requires the ability to be present, embodied, and receptive. When mental load is high, it becomes difficult to transition into a sexual mindset.

How Mental Load Impacts the Body

Chronic mental load activates stress responses in the body. Elevated stress hormones can dampen sexual desire and make arousal more difficult. Fatigue, irritability, and emotional depletion further reduce interest in sex.

Many women describe wanting to want sex, but feeling disconnected from their bodies. This disconnection is not a lack of desire so much as a nervous system that has not had the opportunity to rest.

From a therapeutic perspective, this highlights why advice focused solely on technique or scheduling sex often falls flat. Without addressing the underlying mental and emotional load, desire cannot be forced back into existence.

What Helps Restore Desire?

Addressing low desire related to invisible load requires relational change, not just individual effort.

First, conversations about fairness and responsibility are essential. Partners benefit from openly discussing not only what tasks are being done, but who is holding the mental responsibility for them. Feeling seen and validated in this labor can reduce resentment and emotional distance.

Second, redistributing both visible and invisible labor can help restore balance. This includes shared ownership of planning, remembering, and anticipating needs, not just helping when asked.

Third, emotional connection matters. When women feel supported rather than managed, appreciated rather than taken for granted, emotional safety increases. Desire is more likely to emerge in relationships where both partners feel like equals.

When to Seek Support

If mental load and unequal responsibility are affecting intimacy, working with a sex therapist can help. Therapy offers space to unpack these patterns without blame and to develop more equitable and connected ways of relating.

Our team of Chicago sex therapists help couples and individuals understand how desire is shaped by stress, gender roles, and relational dynamics. Low libido is often a signal, not a failure. It points toward areas where balance, support, and mutual care are needed.

Sexual desire thrives when emotional labor is shared, mental load is reduced, and relationships feel like partnerships rather than obligations. When the invisible becomes visible, intimacy has room to return.

What Is Sensate Focus, and How Can It Benefit Couples?

What Is Sensate Focus and How Can It Benefit Couples?

When physical intimacy starts to feel distant or pressured, many couples wonder what changed. Maybe sex has become routine or filled with anxiety. Maybe one partner feels rejected, or the other feels like they can’t “get in the mood.” Whatever the cause, these experiences are common and deeply human.

As Chicago sex therapists we often work with couples who love each other but feel disconnected physically. One of the most powerful tools we use to rebuild closeness is something called sensate focus.

Developed by sex researchers Masters and Johnson in the 1960s, sensate focus is a structured yet gentle series of exercises designed to help partners reconnect through touch without the goal of intercourse or orgasm. This practice helps couples reduce performance pressure, become more present, and rediscover physical pleasure in a mindful, emotionally safe way.

What Is Sensate Focus?

Sensate focus is a therapeutic technique that encourages couples to explore touch and sensuality with curiosity rather than expectation. The goal isn’t sexual performance, rather it’s about building awareness, connection, and relaxation.

During sensate focus exercises, partners take turns touching and being touched, paying attention to sensations, emotions, and the simple act of being present with one another. It’s not about “doing it right” or achieving a particular outcome. Instead, it’s about slowing down, noticing what feels good, and learning to enjoy physical connection without pressure.

Sex therapists often describe sensate focus as “mindfulness for your body.” Just as mindfulness teaches us to observe our thoughts without judgment, sensate focus helps couples observe physical sensations and emotional responses with curiosity and compassion.

How Sensate Focus Works: The Basic Steps

Sensate focus usually unfolds in gradual stages, often introduced during sex therapy sessions or as guided homework between sessions. Here’s how it typically works:

Non-Sexual Touch

Partners start with non-genital, non-breast touch focusing on exploring skin, texture, warmth, and pressure. The goal is not arousal, but to tune into how it feels to touch and be touched.

Partners take turns giving and receiving touch. The receiver notices sensations where it feels relaxing or tense, warm or neutral while the giver focuses on their own experience of giving touch, without trying to please or elicit a reaction.

This stage helps re-establish safety and comfort, especially if physical intimacy has felt tense, painful, or disconnected.

Sensual Touch

Once both partners feel more comfortable, sensual (but still non-genital) touch is introduced. This may involve exploring erogenous zones like the neck, back, or inner thighs still with no pressure to move toward intercourse.

This phase encourages partners to notice desire and arousal as sensations that come and go naturally, without needing to control or act on them.

It’s a beautiful reminder that intimacy is about connection, not performance.

Sexual Touch

In later stages, couples may include genital or breast touch, guided by consent and comfort. By this point, partners have developed greater awareness, emotional safety, and communication allowing them to explore deeper pleasure without anxiety.

Even in this stage, intercourse or orgasm isn’t required. The goal remains connection, mindfulness, and curiosity.

Why Sensate Focus Is Effective for Couples

Sensate focus is a cornerstone technique in sex therapy because it helps couples address several common barriers to intimacy, including:

Reducing Performance Pressure

Many people experience anxiety around sex wondering if they’ll perform well, satisfy their partner, or “get it right.” This pressure activates a stress response, which can block arousal and make pleasure harder to access.

Sensate focus removes the expectation of performance entirely. When the goal isn’t intercourse or orgasm, partners can relax and rediscover touch as something pleasurable, not pressured.

Rebuilding Connection After Distance or Conflict

Couples who have gone through emotional disconnection, medical challenges, or infidelity often struggle to be physically close again. Sensate focus provides a structured, non-threatening way to rebuild trust.

It allows partners to reconnect through simple, safe touch while helping the body “remember” what it feels like to be close, without forcing sexual activity before readiness.

Supporting Couples Facing Sexual Pain or Dysfunction

For individuals experiencing pain during sex, erectile difficulties, or other sexual concerns, sensate focus offers a pathway to healing that prioritizes comfort and safety.

By focusing on pleasure rather than performance, partners can break the cycle of fear and avoidance that often accompanies sexual pain or dysfunction.

Our team of Chicago sex therapists frequently uses sensate focus with clients navigating conditions like vaginismus, vulvodynia, or erectile dysfunction, not as a quick fix, but as a gentle, body-centered approach to reclaiming confidence and connection.

4. Cultivating Mindfulness and Emotional Presence

In today’s busy, distracted world, couples often move through intimacy on autopilot. Sensate focus slows things down. It teaches both partners to notice not just physical sensations, but emotions, thoughts, and reactions. This mindful awareness deepens emotional intimacy and allows partners to communicate more authentically about what feels good and what doesn’t.

Common Questions About Sensate Focus

• Is sensate focus only for couples struggling with sexual issues?
  Not at all. While it’s often introduced in sex therapy for concerns like low desire or performance anxiety, many couples use sensate focus simply to deepen connection and enhance pleasure.

• How long does it take to see benefits?
  Every couple is different. Some notice a shift in closeness after a few exercises, while others may take more time to rebuild trust and comfort. The process works best when practiced regularly and approached with patience.

• Can we try sensate focus on our own?
  Yes, but working with a trained sex therapist can help you tailor the exercises to your relationship’s unique needs and avoid common pitfalls such as moving too fast or feeling self-conscious.

How a Chicago Sex Therapist Can Help

While the exercises themselves may sound simple, the emotional layers underneath (e.g., shame, fear, or communication blocks) can make it difficult to practice alone. That’s where therapy helps.

In sessions, a sex therapist guides couples in

• Understanding what emotional patterns interrupt intimacy

• Setting boundaries that foster safety and trust

• Gradually reintroducing physical closeness in ways that feel supportive, not pressured

• Reframing sex as connection, not performance

Therapy also provides a space to process vulnerability, which is essential for sustaining long-term intimacy.

Takeaway: Intimacy Starts with Awareness, Not Perfection

Sensate focus reminds us that intimacy isn’t about doing more; rather it’s about feeling more. By slowing down, tuning into the body, and removing the pressure to perform, couples can rediscover the simple joy of being close. If you and your partner are feeling disconnected or struggling with sexual performance anxiety, you’re not alone and healing is possible.

At Embrace Sexual Wellness, our team of Chicago sex therapists specialize in helping couples rebuild intimacy, trust, and pleasure through evidence-based approaches like sensate focus. Together, we can help you create the kind of connection that feels safe, playful, and deeply satisfying again.

Why Does Sex Hurt? Understanding Painful Sex, Vaginismus, and How Sex Therapy Can Help

Why Does Sex Hurt? Understanding Painful Sex, Vaginismus, and How Sex Therapy Can Help

Many people quietly search questions like “Why does sex hurt?”, “Is painful sex normal?”, or “What is vaginismus?” late at night, often feeling confused, frustrated, or alone. Painful sex is far more common than most people realize, yet it is rarely talked about openly.

Our team of experienced sex therapists work with individuals and couples who are navigating painful sex, vaginismus, and the emotional toll these experiences can create. Pain during sex is not something that needs to be tolerated or ignored. With the right support, it is both understandable and treatable.

This article answers the most common questions people ask about painful sex and vaginismus and explains how sex therapy can help restore comfort, confidence, and intimacy.

Why Does Sex Hurt?

One of the most common search queries is simply, “Why does sex hurt?” Pain during sex, clinically referred to as dyspareunia, can have multiple contributing factors. These may include pelvic floor muscle tension, hormonal changes, medical conditions, anxiety, past trauma, or sexual shame.

Painful sex can occur even when someone feels aroused or emotionally connected to their partner. Many people wonder why penetration hurts even with lubrication or why sex hurts sometimes but not others. These experiences often reflect how closely the body and nervous system are connected to emotional stress, expectations, and fear.

Painful sex is not “all in your head,” but it is also rarely just a physical issue. This is where sex therapy becomes an essential part of treatment.

What Is Vaginismus?

Another highly searched question is, “What is vaginismus?” Vaginismus involves involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles, making penetration painful or impossible. People often ask if vaginismus is real or psychological. The answer is that it is very real and involves both physical and emotional components.

Common questions include:

• How do I know if I have vaginismus?

• What does vaginismus feel like?

• Can vaginismus start suddenly or after childbirth?

• Is vaginismus permanent?

Vaginismus can develop due to anxiety, sexual trauma, medical procedures, chronic pain, religious or cultural sexual shame, or fear of penetration. It is not a personal failure or a sign that something is “wrong” with the body.

Is Painful Sex Normal?

While painful sex is more common than you’d expect, it is not something that should be accepted as normal or unavoidable. Pain is the body’s signal that something needs attention.

Questions such as “Why does sex hurt after childbirth?” or “Why does sex hurt after menopause?” are especially common. Hormonal shifts, tissue changes, and life stressors can all play a role. Sex therapy helps individuals understand these changes and develop strategies to reduce pain and rebuild comfort.

Can Anxiety or Stress Cause Painful Sex?

A frequent question is, “Can anxiety cause painful sex?” The short answer is yes. When the nervous system is in a state of stress, the body often responds by tightening muscles, including the pelvic floor. This can lead to pain during penetration or a feeling that the body “shuts down” during sex.

This could explain why tampons may feel fine while sex hurts or why pain appears inconsistently. These patterns often point to nervous system responses rather than structural problems alone.

How Is Vaginismus or Painful Sex Treated?

One of the most common questions people search is, “Can painful sex or vaginismus be treated?” The answer is yes. Effective treatment often involves a combination of emotional, physical, and relational support rather than a single solution.

Painful sex rarely has only one cause. Muscle tension, nervous system responses, anxiety, trauma, hormonal changes, and relationship dynamics often interact. Because of this, treatment is most successful when it addresses both the body and the mind.

How Sex Therapy Helps with Painful Sex

Sex therapy plays a central role in helping individuals understand and heal from painful sex and vaginismus. Our team of Chicago sex therapists provide a safe, nonjudgmental space where clients can talk openly about experiences that are often accompanied by shame, fear, or frustration.

Sex therapy helps by:

Reducing fear and anxiety. Many people notice their bodies tense automatically during intimacy. Sex therapy helps identify fear responses in the nervous system and teaches tools to calm the body, making pain less likely to occur.

Addressing sexual shame and beliefs. Questions such as “Is vaginismus all in my head?” or “Am I broken if sex hurts?” are common. Sex therapy helps clients understand that painful sex is not a personal failure. Challenging shame-based beliefs can significantly reduce muscle tension and avoidance.

Supporting gradual, pressure-free intimacy. Sex therapy does not focus on “pushing through” penetration. Instead, therapists guide clients through gradual, non-penetrative intimacy exercises that build safety, trust, and comfort. This approach often reduces pain by removing performance pressure.

Improving communication with partners. Painful sex can strain relationships. Sex therapy helps individuals and couples learn how to talk about pain, boundaries, and desire in ways that foster understanding rather than guilt or fear.

How Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy Helps

Many people also search questions like, “Does pelvic floor therapy help vaginismus?” or “Do pelvic floor exercises work for painful sex?” Pelvic floor physical therapy is often a crucial part of treatment.

Pelvic floor physical therapists are trained to assess and treat muscle tension, coordination, and pain in the pelvic region. For individuals with vaginismus or painful penetration, therapy may include:

Muscle relaxation and coordination work. Rather than strengthening, treatment often focuses on learning how to relax overactive pelvic floor muscles and improve control.

Education about pelvic anatomy. Understanding how the pelvic floor works can reduce fear and confusion. Many people feel relief simply learning that their symptoms have a physical explanation.

Gentle, gradual exposure. When appropriate, pelvic floor therapists may use manual techniques or guide clients in using vaginal dilators at a pace that feels safe and controlled. These tools are never forced and are introduced thoughtfully.

Collaboration with sex therapy. Pelvic floor physical therapy is most effective when paired with sex therapy. Addressing muscle tension without addressing fear or anxiety can limit progress.

Why Combining Sex Therapy and Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy Works

A common concern is, “Which treatment should I start with?” In many cases, combining sex therapy and pelvic floor physical therapy leads to the best outcomes.

Sex therapy addresses the emotional and relational aspects of pain, while pelvic floor physical therapy focuses on the physical patterns contributing to discomfort. Together, they help retrain both the nervous system and the muscles to respond differently during intimacy.

Clients often find that as anxiety decreases through therapy, physical treatment becomes more effective. Similarly, as physical discomfort lessens, emotional safety and desire increase.

How Long Does Treatment Take?

Another frequent question is how long treatment will take. The answer varies depending on the individual, the severity of symptoms, and contributing factors such as trauma history or medical conditions.

Some clients notice improvements within a few months, while others benefit from longer-term support. Progress is rarely linear, and setbacks are normal. What matters most is moving at a pace that feels safe and sustainable.

Can You Heal Without Penetration Being the Goal?

Many people worry that treatment will pressure them toward penetrative sex. Effective treatment does not treat penetration as the goal. Instead, the focus is on comfort, agency, and pleasure.

Many individuals discover that redefining intimacy and expanding their understanding of sexual connection reduces pressure and supports healing. Penetration often becomes easier when it is no longer the central focus.

When to Seek Support

If painful sex or vaginismus is affecting confidence, desire, or relationships, seeking support sooner rather than later can prevent symptoms from becoming more entrenched. Working with a sex therapist and, when appropriate, a pelvic floor physical therapist can provide clarity, relief, and a clear path forward.

Painful sex and vaginismus are treatable conditions. With compassionate, coordinated care that addresses both emotional and physical experiences, individuals and couples can move toward intimacy that feels safe, comfortable, and connected.