#sexualempowerment

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How to Ask for What You Want Sexually: A Guide to Being Sexually Assertive

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Communicating what you want sexually is an integral part of a healthy and satisfying sex life. There are many potential reasons behind why it can feel awkward to communicate about sex including sexual shame, fear of rejection or vulnerability, and sexual trauma. Sexual communication is an important skill that requires practice. You can improve your sexual communication and start your journey to a more satisfying sex life by using these tips.        

Talk about your desires, curiosities, and boundaries before, during and after sex

Communication should happen before, during, and after sex. Talking about sex beforehand serves to establish your desires and what you want to try. Talking about what is and is not working during sex helps you course-correct if something does not feel the way you want it to feel. Talking about it afterwards allows you to give feedback about what did and did not work for you so you can improve upon it in the future. When giving feedback, try to reinforce what is working for you before discussing what needs to change.  

Experiment with different tools and forms of communication

Sometimes verbalizing your desires makes communicating them even more intimidating. Luckily, there are more ways to communicate than saying them out loud. You could try writing down what you want before sharing it with a partner either on paper or through sexting. Alternatively, you can utilize a sex compatibility quiz. Finally, try establishing non-verbal cues for communicating during sex such as a double tap on the shoulder to take a pause.

Take responsibility for your own pleasure

As much as you may wish your partner could read your mind, they cannot. You are ultimately responsible for your pleasure. Many people get caught up in anxiety about pleasing their partner and do not advocate for themselves, which negatively impacts everyone involved. Reframe your perspective on expressing what you want as a favor to your partner instead of thinking it is burdensome for them. No one wants to play guessing games when you are trying to be intimate, so being transparent about what you want helps your partner, it does not burden them.

TLDR

It is natural to be intimidated by the idea of communicating your sexual desires. Being vulnerable means that you are putting yourself out there at the risk of being hurt to gain the opportunity to be understood. Communication is an important part of enhancing your sexual relationships and openly communicating can help you become more sexually assertive over time and in turn, have more fulfilling sex. If you find sexual communication to be challenging, try speaking with a sex therapist who can help you unpack the source of the difficulty and learn new communication skills.  

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How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

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The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

Practical Tips for Learning What You Like in Bed

Read and watch erotica

“Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

  • Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

  • Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

  • How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

  • Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

  • Do you like dirty talk?

  • Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

  • How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

  • How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

  • What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

  • Do you want to be penetrated?

  • What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

Common Myths and Misconceptions About BDSM: Debunked

BDSM has become more mainstream in the past decade but it is often misrepresented and demonized. From Fifty Shades of Grey misrepresenting proper BDSM practices to crime shows like Criminal Minds using BDSM to indicate a villainous character, there is no shortage of misinformation about BDSM. There is nothing immoral about BDSM and it is a healthy sex practice when practiced consensually and responsibly. This article will address common myths and misconceptions about BDSM and provide tips for healthy BDSM practices. 

Common Misconceptions About BDSM

BDSM is a fringe culture

BDSM is stigmatized because many people assume that few people engage in it. In fact, BDSM is more widespread than one might think. The popularity of media like Fifty Shades of Grey demonstrates how many people are interested in fantasy and BDSM even if they do not practice it. Similar to many sexual behaviors, it is difficult to pin down exact prevalence due to varying definitions and sampling biases. According to a 2023 review of sixty BDSM studies, an average of 20-30% of participants reported engaging in BDSM. Several studies found that at least 20% of participants practiced BDSM. The research is clear that BDSM is not a fringe culture.   

BDSM is always inherently sexual

Though BDSM is most often associated with sex, there are many reasons (including non-sexual ones) why people choose to practice it. A few common draws to BDSM beyond sexual arousal are momentary escapism, exhilaration akin to that from rollercoasters, or a wish to broaden their experiential horizons. BDSM encompasses such a wide-ranging group of activities and that there are many reasons it is appealing, and not all of them are sexual.   

BDSM is abusive and emotionally damaging

It makes sense that people unfamiliar with BDSM would think that it is abusive and traumatic. There are few contexts in which hitting someone, for instance, is not abusive. Abuse is when someone gains and maintains power over another, while BDSM hinges on a consensual power exchange. Abuse does not involve mutual consent or rules, whereas BDSM does. However, in a context where limits are respected, communication and consent are explicit, and safety precautions are taken, BDSM is not an inherently abusive practice. Of course, there are instances where harm occurs but that can happen in any kind of sexual or otherwise vulnerable context. Non-sexual activities like skydiving or even driving carry their own risks too; it is up to individuals to decide how much risk they can tolerate, just like with sexual activities. When practiced consensually, BDSM does not imply or perpetuate abuse.     

What should you know before trying BDSM for the first time?

If you want to try out BDSM, it ​​is vital to educate yourself about safety precautions and communication beforehand. There is no such thing as risk free sex with or without BDSM, and BDSM practices sometimes add additional risk. The best way to mitigate risk is to prioritize consent and communication, use appropriate props (e.g., body safe cutting shears to cut rope in an emergency instead of sharp scissors), and sanitize props effectively.  Want to learn more about BDSM? Explore these resources:

Takeaway

The internet and media are rife with misinformation about BDSM, leading people who are unfamiliar with it to a great deal of misunderstanding. Fortunately, there are many resources that provide accurate information such as the ones mentioned above. Even if you do not want to engage in BDSM, it is important to be accurately informed about it so you do not needlessly judge others. If you are curious about trying BDSM and feel uncertain about how to begin safely, consider reaching out to a sex therapist to discuss your interests and any concerns.  

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