#kink

Common Myths and Misconceptions About BDSM: Debunked

BDSM has become more mainstream in the past decade but it is often misrepresented and demonized. From Fifty Shades of Grey misrepresenting proper BDSM practices to crime shows like Criminal Minds using BDSM to indicate a villainous character, there is no shortage of misinformation about BDSM. There is nothing immoral about BDSM and it is a healthy sex practice when practiced consensually and responsibly. This article will address common myths and misconceptions about BDSM and provide tips for healthy BDSM practices. 

Common Misconceptions About BDSM

BDSM is a fringe culture

BDSM is stigmatized because many people assume that few people engage in it. In fact, BDSM is more widespread than one might think. The popularity of media like Fifty Shades of Grey demonstrates how many people are interested in fantasy and BDSM even if they do not practice it. Similar to many sexual behaviors, it is difficult to pin down exact prevalence due to varying definitions and sampling biases. According to a 2023 review of sixty BDSM studies, an average of 20-30% of participants reported engaging in BDSM. Several studies found that at least 20% of participants practiced BDSM. The research is clear that BDSM is not a fringe culture.   

BDSM is always inherently sexual

Though BDSM is most often associated with sex, there are many reasons (including non-sexual ones) why people choose to practice it. A few common draws to BDSM beyond sexual arousal are momentary escapism, exhilaration akin to that from rollercoasters, or a wish to broaden their experiential horizons. BDSM encompasses such a wide-ranging group of activities and that there are many reasons it is appealing, and not all of them are sexual.   

BDSM is abusive and emotionally damaging

It makes sense that people unfamiliar with BDSM would think that it is abusive and traumatic. There are few contexts in which hitting someone, for instance, is not abusive. Abuse is when someone gains and maintains power over another, while BDSM hinges on a consensual power exchange. Abuse does not involve mutual consent or rules, whereas BDSM does. However, in a context where limits are respected, communication and consent are explicit, and safety precautions are taken, BDSM is not an inherently abusive practice. Of course, there are instances where harm occurs but that can happen in any kind of sexual or otherwise vulnerable context. Non-sexual activities like skydiving or even driving carry their own risks too; it is up to individuals to decide how much risk they can tolerate, just like with sexual activities. When practiced consensually, BDSM does not imply or perpetuate abuse.     

What should you know before trying BDSM for the first time?

If you want to try out BDSM, it ​​is vital to educate yourself about safety precautions and communication beforehand. There is no such thing as risk free sex with or without BDSM, and BDSM practices sometimes add additional risk. The best way to mitigate risk is to prioritize consent and communication, use appropriate props (e.g., body safe cutting shears to cut rope in an emergency instead of sharp scissors), and sanitize props effectively.  Want to learn more about BDSM? Explore these resources:

Takeaway

The internet and media are rife with misinformation about BDSM, leading people who are unfamiliar with it to a great deal of misunderstanding. Fortunately, there are many resources that provide accurate information such as the ones mentioned above. Even if you do not want to engage in BDSM, it is important to be accurately informed about it so you do not needlessly judge others. If you are curious about trying BDSM and feel uncertain about how to begin safely, consider reaching out to a sex therapist to discuss your interests and any concerns.  

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ESW's Beginner's guide to Kink/BDSM/Fetish

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Kink has become more mainstream in the past decade, for better or for worse (the latter referring to inaccurate depictions), which has stimulated interest in it. This may lead you to wonder if kinky sex is for you, and if so, how do you get started? Let’s talk about it. 

Defining kink 

Before talking about how to get into kink, it’s important to define what “kink” even is, and how it differs from phrases like BDSM and fetish. Kink refers to any non-traditional sex; traditional in this context means heterosexual, monogamous intercourse without a non-normative fantasy or desire involved. A kink is not a fetish, but a fetish is a type of kink. A fetish is defined as an attraction to an inanimate object or specific body parts (excluding the traditionally sexualized ones). Finally, BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. BDSM is often incorrectly used interchangeably with kink, the difference being that kink is a broader term and BDSM is a type of kink that involves power dynamics. Whatever you’re into, kink, fetish, or BDSM, they all prioritize and require open communication and consent. To get a handle on the basic terminology, check out this glossary.    

Tips for Getting Started

Set expectations and boundaries. 

Before even dipping your toe in, sit down and have a conversation with your partner(s) about expectations, interests, and limits. Here are some guides for talking about kink with partner(s), and another useful tool is a kink compatibility quiz.   

Safe Words: these are words that would not otherwise come up during sex (e.g. pineapple, vote, continent, etc.) that mean “stop!” Safe words are especially relevant during play involving consensual non-consent. 

Boundaries: Setting boundaries is the best way to make sure everyone is comfortable and safe. If you aren’t sure what your boundaries are, check out this checklist of common ones. 

Communication: The importance of ongoing communication and consent in kink cannot be overstated. Of course, communication and consent are important regardless of what kind of sex you have, but this becomes even more vital when having kinky sex because of the nature of the power dynamics involved. 

Dip your toe in. 

If you’re intrigued by kink but you’re not quite ready to dive in, that’s okay! Some alternative ways to experiment include:

  • Reading kinky erotica 

  • Doing additional research (more on this below)

  • Talking to a sex therapist

  • Starting solo. Experimenting alone can be a great way to get a handle on what you like. Ways to incorporate kink into solo play may include:

    • Using ice cubes for temperature play 

    • Spanking yourself 

    • Trying edging

    • Using sex toys 

Hopefully this guide gives you a solid jumping off point to exploring kink. Happy exploring! 

If you’re struggling to navigate if and how kink fits into your life, how to set boundaries, or any other concerns, consider trying sex therapy.

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Healing Through Kink

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Content warning: discussion of trauma and sexual assault

Kink is the broad phrase that refers to any non-traditional sex, traditional meaning heterosexual, monogamous intercourse without a non-normative fantasy or desire involved. Everything from roleplay to bondage to power exchange and beyond is a form of kink. All sorts of people engage in kink for a number of reasons. Kink can absolutely be done solely for pleasure but for some, kink is a tool for healing trauma. It’s not a replacement for mental healthcare but it can be used to supplement that process. Kink offers a safe, controlled context for sexual trauma survivors to reclaim sexual confidence and comfort. While sexual trauma like assault is a non-consensual seizure of power and dominance, power exchange in a safe, kinky setting can be a consensual, healthy practice to reframe sexual trauma. Kink centers and emphasizes communication and consent which are vital tenets of any healthy sex.

Oftentimes, the appeal of kink for sexual assault survivors is the opportunity to feel empowered, respected, and safe. Not everyone will find kink healing because trauma and the ensuing healing process is highly personal. Including kink in that process is one of many power reclamation strategies. In order to be healing though, it’s important that kink is being practiced in a healthy, consensual, communicative way. Furthermore, just because kink may involve physical pain or name calling, does not equate it with self-harm. This excerpt from Dr. Joe Kort explains this further in a quote from A Beautiful Perspective: 

“self-harm breaks relationship contracts, puts yourself at risk for real harm from others or one’s self, and doesn’t stay within boundaries of physical and psychological safety… When you engage in healthy ways, you talk openly and honestly at length with the person you are going to engage with in kink, fetish or BDSM play. You have a safe word, you stop when you don’t feel safe or comfortable, and the feelings are pleasurable and enjoyable and not shame-based.” 

Kink, especially that which includes inflicting pain, not only provides the physical catharsis facilitated by pain, but also allows the recipient to be in control of the pain so they can explore those sensations safely. Focusing on intense physical sensation can be a grounding experience that allows the stresses of the real world to momentarily cease. These positive aspects can only be attained when kink is practiced consensually, safely, and transparently.

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Safety and communication are key aspects of kink regardless of the context but they are all the more important when it’s being used as an outlet to heal trauma. For those interested in trying kink, especially in a therapeutic capacity, you may consider hiring a sex worker. This will allow for the most controlled environment possible to try exactly what you’re interested in.

Before delving into any kinky endeavor, it’s vital to do your research. Neglecting to do so poses significant risks to everyone involved. Below are some resources for practicing safer kink. 


Therapeutic kink isn’t for everyone, but there’s nothing wrong with it either. There is nothing wrong with two adults consensually exploring kinky catharsis. Make sure to do your research, openly communicate, and understand your own boundaries. Kink is not a replacement for traditional trauma therapies but it can absolutely be part of the process. 

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