#pleasure

Exploring Clitoral Stimulation: How to Have an Orgasm

The clitoris is the only part of human anatomy made solely for pleasure. The clitoris has not been given an appropriate amount of time and attention by researchers, doctors, and society at large to be understood well. This effect trickles down into everyday interpersonal interactions, leading to people both with and without clitorises struggling to understand how to interact with it in a pleasurable way, to use it for its sole purpose! With a lack of comprehensive, accurate information available about the clitoris and how to derive pleasure from it, trying to please someone with a clitoris, either yourself or a partner’s, might seem like a daunting task without so much as a roadmap. This article will serve as a guide to the clitoris and how to figure out what feels good for you.

What is the clitoris?

The part of the vulva that most people think of as the clitoris is actually the clitoral glans, just the tip of the iceberg - and the tip of the entire clitoral structure. The clitoral glans is actually the external tip of an internal structure back and down both sides of the vagina, a shape closely resembling a wishbone. The glans is located where the top of the inner labia meet at the crest of the vulva. The labia form a small hood that covers the glans (to different degrees depending on the person) called the clitoral hood. 

The glans comes in many sizes and shapes and since it is the external part of the clitoris, it is the primary (but not sole!) focus of sexual stimulation. When aroused, the clitoris becomes engorged with blood and more sensitive, and often this exposes the glans more. One study estimated that the glans contains, on average, 10,000+ nerve endings which is more than any other single part of the human body! That means the clitoris also contains a lot of potential for pleasure.        

How to Stimulate the Clitoris

Each person’s anatomy, sexual history, trauma, and medical history are unique to them. This means what feels good to one person might not work for another person. That is why it is important to understand different types of stimulation. 

Two categories for stimulation include “broad” and “pinpoint”. Broad stimulation may include grinding against a pillow or or rubbing a hand against the glans, encapsulating more than just the glans in the process. Pinpoint stimulation is more focused on the glans or clitoral hood directly, like tapping the glans or rubbing it with a finger. 

Let’s explore some specific types of clitoral stimulation…

Rubbing: This can be up and down or back and forth with your hand, a finger, a sex toy, or creative accessory like beads.  

Tapping: This entails repeated light blows, usually with a finger, on the glans and hood, as slow or fast as feels good. 

Grinding: This means rubbing your genitals against an object such as a pillow, a partner’s thigh, or a sex toy.      

Orbiting: This is when you use a finger or toy to circle on or around the clitoral glans and hood.

Pulling: This technique is particularly effective with a larger glans, where you use the pads of your pointer finger and thumb to clasp the glans and pull on it back and forth.

Experimenting with toys: Sex toys are an excellent tool to have on hand, especially for clitoral stimulation. The first vibrator was invented in the early 1880s, originally for muscle aches, but quickly people discovered how it might be used elsewhere. These days, there are a variety of options of vibrators and non-vibrating clitoral sex toys. Common categories are wand vibrators, suction vibrators, bullet vibrators, palm vibrators, finger vibrators, remote control vibrators, and grinding accessories!      

Internal Stimulation: Also known as vaginal stimulation, internal clitoral stimulation involves penetrating the vagina. Since the clitoris is a larger structure that extends beyond the glans, it is possible to stimulate it through vaginal penetration. The classic way to do this is to make a “come hither” motion to stimulate the top of the vaginal canal with a few fingers.

It will likely take trial and error to figure out what feels best for any given person with a clitoris. If you have a clitoris and you want a sexual partner to pleasure it, it is wise to first figure out for yourself what feels good. Without being able to guide them, it will take much longer to derive pleasure from a partner’s touch. 

Takeaway

Finally, it is important to keep in mind that orgasms are not necessarily the be-all-end-all of sexual pleasure. There are a variety of reasons that someone may not be experiencing an orgasm during solo or partnered sex. Pleasuring the clitoris is one part of the puzzle for orgasming, which often needs to be paired with other puzzle pieces like foreplay, feeling safe and comfortable, and other factors in order to result in orgasm. Even then, it may not happen and that is okay. Having sex without an orgasm does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. However, if you are concerned about having an orgasm, consider consulting a sexuality professional like a sexual medicine physician or sex therapist.

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Why Do We Prioritize Romantic Over Platonic Love?

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American society is obsessed with romantic love. From romantic comedies dominating box offices to holidays like Valentine’s Day to societal expectations of marriage as the ultimate goal, there is no shortage of conditioning to make people believe romantic love is more valuable and superior to platonic love. 

One hand reaches out to another which is holding a small black paper heart

The philosopher Elizabeth Brake coined the term “amatonormativity” which, as defined in her book Minimizing Marriage: Marriage, Morality, and the Law, “refers to “the assumptions that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.” The narrative that one is not complete without a lifelong, monogamous, and (ideally, in the eyes of society) heterosexual romantic partnership is enforced around every corner. This leads to people who don’t want that or can’t find that to feel defective.

Two Gold Wedding Rings Lay On Top Of Each Other In Front of the Dictionary Definition For Marriage

In reality, there is nothing inherently more valuable about romantic love. When pressed, it’s tough to even put into words the actual distinction between romantic and platonic love. Some people might say it’s the physical intimacy, but what about people who can’t have sex but desire a romantic relationship for a variety of reasons like asexuality or depression or a physical limitation related to having sex? Are those people and their romantic connections any less valid? Of course not. Frankly, there is not a single satisfactory answer for what differentiates romantic relationships from platonic ones because it’s such a personal experience.

This image shows a park bench with five friends sitting on it. we see them from the back and only from the shoulders down. Each friend has their hands around the back of the person next to them, showing support.

The tricky part of defining the differences between types of relationships is the disconnect between the breadth of the English language and the internal experience of emotions, which vary from person to person. How do you universally define a feeling? You can’t really, and when you try, that’s how people end up feeling excluded when their experience doesn’t align with the socially-enforced expectations they’ve internalized.

A couple cuddling in bed. Their heads are touching with their feet up against the headboard of the bed. The seem to be caught in motion as if mid laugh. There is a poster on the bedroom walls that reads "Your Heart, I Will Choose."

Contrary to what American society expects and conditions us to think, romantic and platonic love are simply different and neither is better nor worse. Romance does not have to be a part of your social life in order to feel fulfilled and loved.

Three Friends sit with their backs to the camera on a hill over looking a city.

This conversation is further complicated by feelings that don’t fit into either the traditional “romantic” or “platonic” definitions of relationships. There are queerplatonic relationships, sexual relationships without a romantic or platonic element, and purely aesthetic attraction, to name a few examples outside the romantic/platonic binary. With the nuances and intricacies of human emotion, it makes sense that a simple binary couldn’t possibly encapsulate the realm of possibility for relationship forms. There are more options open to us than societal conditioning has led us to believe. 

approx. 15 hands have their palms facing the camera pressed together to create a canvas. There is red paint across them in the shape of a heart.

The bottom line is that you should navigate your relationships and prioritizing them however feels right to you, your needs, and your loved ones. There is nothing wrong with being happy as a single person or prioritizing fulfillment in other areas of your life over romance, like friendships. Just because society is telling you that in order to feel fulfilled you need a romantic partner does not make it true.

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All About Lube: Which kind is right for you?

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Lubricant is perhaps one of the most versatile sex accessories out there. It’s a liquid or gel that mitigates unwanted friction during sex, making it a more comfortable experience. Nearly every sexually active person could benefit from having a dependable lube (or two or three) on hand. It’s even more handy for vulva-owners who can’t produce as much wetness as they’d like whether that’s due to aging, birth control, medication, or something else.

These days, there are a variety of lubes with different functions, from the classic friction-fighters to tingles, warming sensations, and more! No lube is one size fits all, and depending on what you plan to use it for, you’ll have to select accordingly. Some of the factors to consider are whether you’ll use it solo or with a partner, if the sex will be penetrative, whether you want to use it with sex toys (and if so, what material those sex toys are comprised of). This article serves as a guide to help you figure out which lube is right for you!    

a hand holds a banana against a purple backdrop. we see a nozzle in the center of the top of the image droping clear goo onto the banana. The banana already has a fair amount of goo dripping down it already

Water-based

Water-based lube is the most common type of lubricant. The benefits of using water-based lube are affordability and accessibility, easy clean up from skin and fabric, and they’re safe to use with condoms and every sex toy material. In terms of drawbacks, water-based lubes are absorbed into the skin quicker than their counterparts, leaving some sticky residue (which can be a drawback for those with sensory issues) and therefore you might have to reapply more frequently. Additionally, be on the lookout for water-based lubes that have a low osmolality, which means they have a higher degree of the product and few to no chemical ingredients because lubes with high osmolality are more likely to cause irritation.

Recommended water-based lubes:

dark blue water in the form of a splash up against a beige background

Oil-based

Oil-based lube is a very slippery, long-lasting option that even doubles as a massage oil! The extremely important-to-note caveat is that it cannot be used with condoms because it will degrade them. Another drawback is that they often will stain fabric.

Recommended oil-based lubes:

A tincture full of a yellow oil appears above its bottle dropping one drop in. In the background, there are white flowers out of focus.

Silicone-based

The longest lasting of the lubricants, silicone-based lubes are beloved for their endurance. They’re also the most popular lube for anal sex due to their durability. Plus, they even hold up under water, if shower sex is your jam. Like water-based lubes, silicone is safe to use with latex condoms. The drawbacks are that silicone lube is harder to remove from skin and fabric, it tends to be more expensive, and it can’t be used with any silicone-based sex toys because they will degrade.

Recommended silicone-based lubes:

A purple backdrop covered in iridescent plastic fairly wrinkled.

Hybrid lubricants

Hybrids are a mix of silicone and water lube to make it last longer. It won’t affect silicone toys in the way pure silicone lube will, and it offers easier cleanup than silicone too.

Recommended hybrid lubes:

Sensory lubricants

Sensory lubricants are lubes that are formulated to make you feel a sensation like warming or tingling. They’re a fun way to spice up your sex routine and try something new. Sometimes the ingredients needed to make the sensation can be irritants though (see ingredients to steer clear of below) so it’s important to be on the lookout for that.

Recommended sensory lubes:

two hands palms towards the camera making a "stay away" motion. The person connected to the hands as well as greenery are blurred in the background.

Lube ingredients to avoid

For every healthy lube on the market, there’s an equal number of cheaply made, irritant-filled lubes too. When you’re searching for your perfect lube, keep an eye on the ingredients list and try to avoid the following. If you’re curious about why you should avoid each, check out this Self article and this extremely comprehensive Phallophile Reviews guide.

  • Glycerin

  • Nonoxynol-9

  • Petroleum

  • Propylene glycol

  • Parabens (usually methylparaben)

  • Chlorhexidine gluconate

  • Diazolidinyl urea

  • Polyquarternium-15

against a purple backdrop, a partially unpeeled banana is laid against an eggplant and cucumber with its peel laying over them.

On the topic of lubes to avoid, though you might be tempted to use household products like baby oil, olive oil, or Vaseline - steer clear! Products that are not meant to be used in sensitive areas are comedogenic, can cause skin irritation and/or infection, and can alter vaginal pH. In a pinch you can try using something like coconut oil but that shouldn’t be your first choice and it does pose the aforementioned risks.

Since lube touches the most sensitive areas of your body, it’s important to find a compatible, safe option for your life and anatomy. It may take some trial and error to figure out your favorite but it’s worth it! A good lube can make all the difference and improve the pleasurability of solo or partnered sex.    

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