Why Don’t I Want Sex Anymore, and Is Something Wrong With Me?

If you’ve found yourself thinking, “I just don’t want sex anymore,” you’re not alone.
Maybe sex used to feel exciting or connecting, or maybe it’s always been complicated. But now, it feels like something you avoid, feel pressure around, or just don’t think about at all. It’s confusing. Sometimes scary. And for many people, the first question that follows is:

“Is something wrong with me?”

The short answer: no. But your experience does deserve attention, care, and support.

Low sexual desire, or no desire at all, is incredibly common, especially among women in long-term relationships who are juggling work, parenting, emotional labor, or unresolved relationship tension. It’s also one of the most common concerns clients bring to therapy.

Let’s break down why desire can shift, what it might be trying to tell you, and how working with a therapist can help you feel more connected to yourself and to your partner.

What Does It Mean If I Have Low Sexual Desire?

Desire isn’t a fixed personality trait. It ebbs and flows across our lives and relationships. So when you notice a change in your interest in sex, that’s not a flaw or failure, it’s a signal.

Desire often fades in response to something (e.g., stress, resentment, exhaustion, disconnection, or even internalized shame about sex). But instead of interpreting that signal with curiosity, many people assume it’s a reflection of their identity or worth.

In reality, desire is complex. It can be relational, emotional, hormonal, psychological, or all of the above. And with the right support, it’s often possible to understand it, and reclaim it, on your own terms.

It’s also important to note the difference between low sexual desire and asexuality. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, not a dysfunction or problem to fix. A person who is asexual may experience little or no sexual attraction, and that’s a healthy part of their identity. In contrast, low desire usually feels like a change from what’s been typical for you, or something that’s causing distress or tension in your relationship. If you’re unsure where you fall, therapy can help you explore that with curiosity and care.

Why You Might Not Want Sex Right Now

Here are just a few of the common (and very valid) reasons desire might be low:

Mental Load and Overwhelm

For many women, sex doesn’t just require time, it requires mental space. When your mind is full of to-do lists, caregiving responsibilities, and work stress, it’s hard to feel present or open to physical connection.

Burnout and Emotional Fatigue

Chronic stress and burnout have a major impact on our nervous systems. When you’re in survival mode, your body prioritizes rest and regulation over arousal or intimacy. It’s biology, not personal failure.

Disconnection or Resentment in the Relationship

Desire needs safety and closeness to thrive. If you feel emotionally distant from your partner, or if there’s unspoken frustration, miscommunication, or unequal labor in the relationship, it’s no surprise that intimacy starts to feel less appealing.

Sex Hasn’t Felt Good in a While

If past sexual experiences have felt pressured, unfulfilling, or one-sided, your body may begin to anticipate more of the same. This can trigger shutdown or avoidance,.not because you’re broken, but because your nervous system is protecting you.

Hormonal Changes or Medical Factors

Perimenopause, postpartum recovery, chronic pain, and certain medications can all affect desire. It’s important to understand how physical and hormonal shifts are impacting your experience, not to pathologize, but to make space for healing.

When Low Desire Impacts Your Relationship

In many couples, low desire creates a pattern of tension: one person initiates; the other pulls away; both feel frustrated, rejected, or confused. Over time, this can lead to emotional distance, decreased physical affection, or feelings of inadequacy.

It’s easy to assume that a lack of sex means something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Often, lack of interest in sex is not about the relationship at all, it’s about the conditions the relationship is existing in.

That’s where therapy can help.

How Sex Therapy Supports Healing and Connection

Whether you’re working individually or as a couple, therapy can be a powerful way to better understand your relationship with desire and gently shift it.

You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit. Many clients seek support when they simply notice: “I’m not feeling like myself,” or “I miss the intimacy we used to have.”

Here’s what therapy can offer:

A Shame-Free Space to Explore What’s Happening

You don’t have to explain or justify why sex feels different right now. A skilled therapist creates space for you to name what’s real, without fear of judgment or pressure to “fix” anything quickly.

Tools to Regulate the Nervous System

Many people experiencing low desire are operating in a state of chronic stress or hypervigilance. Therapy can introduce mindfulness-based tools that help you feel safer, calmer, and more attuned to your body.

Support for Couples to Reconnect

In couples therapy, we work to reduce pressure around sex and strengthen emotional intimacy. That might look like practicing more open communication, addressing longstanding resentment, or redefining what connection means in this season of your life.

Reframing What Desire Really Is

Desire doesn’t always look spontaneous or urgent. Sometimes it’s responsive, meaning something that builds when you feel relaxed, cared for, and emotionally safe. Therapy helps you explore your unique template for desire, without comparison or shame.

What If I’m Not Sure Where to Start?

That’s okay. You don’t have to have it all figured out. In fact, therapy is a place to not have all the answers.

If you’re in the Chicago area, or looking for virtual support across Illinois, our team at Embrace Sexual Wellness offers compassionate, trauma-informed sex therapy that meets you where you are.

We specialize in working with individuals and couples navigating low desire, performance anxiety, and emotional or sexual disconnection. Whether you’re looking for support on your own or with your partner, we’re here to help you take the next right step.

Signs You Might Benefit from Therapy

You don’t need a diagnosis or a crisis to reach out. Therapy might be helpful if:

• You feel disconnected from your body or desire

• Sex feels like a duty, not a choice

• You and your partner have stopped talking about intimacy

• You feel guilt, shame, or confusion about your level of desire

• You want to feel more present and connected during intimacy

You’re Not Broken. You’re Human.

Low desire is not a flaw. It’s a signal, a cue from your body and mind that something deserves attention. And like most things in therapy, that signal can become a starting point for healing, growth, and deeper connection.

You don’t have to navigate it alone.

If you’re curious about working with a therapist to explore your relationship with sex, we invite you to reach out to our team of providers. Whether you’re based in Illinois or another state we’re licensed in, support is available.

How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

What are some practical tips for learning what you like in the bedroom?

1. Read and watch erotica

”Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

2. Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

3. Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

• Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

• Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

• How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

• Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

• Do you like dirty talk?

• Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

• How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

• How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

• What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

• Do you want to be penetrated?

• What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

Desire discrepancy is when the libidos of people in a relationship do not align. The two types of libido are responsive and spontaneous which differ in how your desire for sex is initiated. People with responsive desire experience physical arousal before mental desire, whereas those with spontaneous desire experience mental desire first and then the physical arousal. Mental desire is being turned on in your mind and wanting (either hypothetically or literally) sexual stimulation, while physical arousal manifests in your body such as getting an erection.

This binary of responsive versus spontaneous is helpful for understanding how one’s personal experience of libido compares relative to others; however, that is not to say that this type of libido is fixed or exists strictly in black or white. While many people do tend towards one or the other, libido is flexible and can change with time, age, relationship status, and more. Neither type is better or worse, nor anything that needs to be fixed, but having this information about oneself can be helpful in successfully navigating a healthy sex life.

Though there is nothing inherently wrong with either type, it of course can be frustrating if your desire type doesn’t align with the person/people you’re having sex with. This is what we call desire discrepancy. If this is something you’re struggling with, consider some of these approaches:

Explore non-sexual intimacy

• Physical intimacy can take many, many forms and getting creative is a good way to feel more physically connected with your sexual partner(s). Massages, cuddling, backscratching, and hugging are all great options for non-sexual physical touch.

Consider an open relationship

• If you’re in a monogamous relationship and therefore only have sex with your partner, desire discrepancy can be a major obstacle to sexual satisfaction. Opening up your relationship is a much bigger deal than just saying you want to, but it could be a good option in instances where desire discrepancy is the root of major tension in the relationship. Here is an Embrace Sexual Wellness article that goes into detail about how to open a monogamous relationship.

Talk to a sex therapist (either as an individual or as a relationship)

• Sex therapists are an amazing resource for sorting through sexual obstacles like desire discrepancy. They have knowledge about potential root causes of someone’s libido type, how to diffuse tension related to desire discrepancy, and creative problem solving that takes everyone’s needs into account. Working with a dedicated therapist also has the capacity to increase empathy on all sides, improving communication overall. If you live in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness for a consultation.

Desire discrepancy does not mean anyone is at fault and will require patience and empathy on all sides to work through. This issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t person versus person; it’s you all against the problem.