7 Mindfulness Basics to Bring Into Your Intimate Relationships

The practice of mindfulness is rooted in Buddhist teachings, as well as recognized in other indigenous and Eastern traditions. Applied to our busy lives, practicing Mindfulness means we are able to dwell in a state of noticing and acceptance with compassion before acting or reacting. Jon-Kabat Zinn, who has been researching mindfulness through meditation since the 1970s, explains how Mindfulness practices can get us out of a Me-focused state of mind by cultivating an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally.”  Mindfulness practices literally change the way electrical energy in the brain fires! Over time and with practice, Mindfulness practice can improve focus, self-awareness, memory, compassion, immune function, anxiety and depression. 

How does Mindfulness Apply to Intimate Relationships?

Health and wellness is a relational issue, and relationships have a significant impact on our health and wellness. It’s no surprise then that research is mounting in recent years in support of relationship mindfulness. Mindfulness has been studied as a way to increase overall health, increase empathy, improve sexual intimacy, reduce conflict, and even regulate cortisol levels among couples. Relationship mindfulness can help couples reign in conflict before getting out of control, decrease anxiety that comes with sexual intimacy, and help partners implement the common desire for more intention in their relationships.

If you’ve been in relationship with anyone for any significant amount of time - including family, friendships, and lovers - you might know what it is like to get to a place where action and reaction becomes the go-to response in conflict, or even the busy day-to-day routines. If you have been feeling un-noticed, un-seen, disconnected and misunderstood (or if your partner has expressed these feelings), relationship mindfulness may be the refresh you and your partners need.

7 Relationship Mindfulness Basics

Relationship mindfulness can be a formal activity, like taking a yoga or meditation class together. It can also be sprinkled into any informal activity you do with partners. Whenever you want to apply Mindfulness to relationships, there are a few things to keep in mind and activity suggestions to help you practice with intention and, hopefully, JOY!

1. Practice relationship mindfulness with specific intention

Practice makes perfect and Mindfulness takes practice! Use the suggested activities below and keep your Mindfulness Practice sacred by leaving out high-conflict issues. Hopefully, you quickly get to a place where those issues can be mindfully addressed, but make your beginner practice time enjoyable and nourishing of your relationship. We suggest putting unresolvable topics that may come up during practice into the “parking lot”, which may be a notebook or phone notes that you bring with you to a therapy session at Embrace Sexual Wellness.

2. Pay attention with all of your senses

Notice what comes up for you in your thoughts or your body during relationship mindfulness practice. Pay attention to the body language and tone of your partner. Notice what feels good and say it out loud, or simply describe what you sense about your environment. Maybe any one small statement can become an exploration together. For example, you might take a bite and say “This bite tasted sweet,” and end up deconstructing flavors with your partners, talking about the best desserts you’ve ever had, and planning your next adventure to the new cupcake shop in your town! 

Not everything we notice feels good. See if you can sit with discomfort when it arises, and share it with your partner if that feels safe. If conflict arises that feels too big, put it in the parking lot, take a small break, and refocus your attention on what you see, smell, taste, hear, and feel. Prioritize your comfort and that of your partner during this activity.

3. Be curious, not judgy

Share and listen to the observations that you and your partner are sensing without judgement. Try to see your experiences and thoughts through a lens of curiosity, like you might do with a stranger who is not familiar with anything in your world. Investigate your partners’ observations with care and compassion. When self-criticisms arise, recognize that they are a part of a complex construct of messaging you have been receiving for a very long time, and then with acceptance and compassion, be curious even for yourself. In these moments with your partner, you are not your body, or your mind. You are in a relationship that deserves kindness and nourishment. Be forgiving if your intentional relationship mindfulness practice is disrupted by conflict. It is normal and perfectly fine to rest and try again another time.

4. Be present in the journey, not the destination

Have you ever said, “I don’t need you to solve my problem! I just want to vent.”? Release the burden of solving problems and ask your partner questions that help them further explore. If you find your partner trying to solve your problems, you can express gratitude for their concern, or use it as a point of curiosity to find out more about them! (i.e. “that’s an interesting idea, what made you think of it?”).

5. Slow down and breathe between thoughts

Before you answer a question, take a breath. If your partner is pausing, give them all the time they need to form thoughts. Silence is a perfect alternative to talking. We all process differently and some of us need time to think through or we begin to feel anxious and say things that are inauthentic. Be confident in your partner’s ability to be accountable for their own communication when given the space to do so, and in the meantime, breathe and notice what is going on in your own body.

6. Connect with your partner physically

Brittany Jakubiek, author of several studies on touch during couple conflict says that “touching reminds couples that they are on the same team.” Jakubiek found that touch reduces stress and conflict behaviors between couples. Although this is not specifically mindfulness practice, consensual touching is a valid method of communication between partners.

7. Plan a low conflict activity

Not every activity on our list will feel like the right fit for you with your partner, and there are infinite ways to create a mindful experience together. Depending on where you are at in your partnership, discuss what feels safe and enjoyable for both of you. Start small and time-limited if you are often in high conflict, and work with a therapist to navigate parking lot issues.

• Share a meal at a new place. Talk about the flavors, texture, and presentation of the food. Notice the aromas, colors, and atmosphere of the environment. People watch, describing body language and co-creating stories of the people you see.

• Take a bath together. Discuss boundaries ahead of time regarding sexual intimacy. Focus on the sensations of water, and use bath oils or bath bombs to add sensation.

• Walk with each other. Walking is proven to reduce anxiety, and walking outdoors has been shown to increase the meditative state. High-conflict couples may benefit from just walking without discussion as a way to share space. Couples could also use walking to hold more challenging conversations, paying attention to anxious feelings in the body and walking through the discomfort before reacting to it.

• Spoon-Breathing. Even as infants laying on our caretakers’ chests, our physiological systems respond to the rhythm of another person’s heartbeat and breath with synchronicity. In early days of dating, many couples find themselves laying side-by-side and co-regulating their breath. Spooning, foreheads touching, or laying back-to-back, relax enough to sync-up your breath for as long as it’s comfortable, feeling your partner’s body and energy alongside yours.

• Sensation play (sexual and non-sexual). Using props with different textures (think feathers, chains, ice, hot wax, fingertips, etc.) ask your partner for consent to touch where it feels pleasurable and safe. Pay attention to their reactions, ask exploratory questions, and check-in with how they are feeling. When it’s your turn to be touched, focus on the sensation of touch and communicate for more or less as desired. Negotiate clothing, sexual intention, and off-limit areas of the body before beginning play. This activity does not imply sexual intimacy and should be consensual the entire time.

Consider these mindfulness tips to help you generate more presence in your intimate relationships! If you need additional support in getting started, Embrace Sexual Wellness can help!

4 Ways to Feel at Home in Your Body as a Queer Person

It’s no secret that navigating the world as a queer person can be a messy, challenging process. Systems of oppression such as homophobia, fatphobia, racism, transphobia, and misogyny, among others, constantly tell marginalized people that their existence is incorrect, not least of all their physical form. Additionally, capitalism thrives on solving issues that it convinces you that you have. With all of this combined, it’s even tougher for queer people than most to feel at home in their bodies. This is in no way the fault of the individual, and yet the individual is the only one who can ultimately change the reality of their attitude. That’s not to downplay the difficulty of the task and hopefully this article can help guide you as you endeavor to feel more at peace in your own skin. 

Surround yourself with supportive people (and media) 

Your environment, both in person and online, directly affects your mental wellbeing. If you spend every day around people or following people on social media who espouse hateful rhetoric that makes you feel worse about yourself, that is not someone who should be part of your life if you have the choice. Of course, it might not always be a choice, such as if you still live with/depend on someone who makes you feel worse about your body. In that instance, try to spend as much time as possible with people who are a positive influence, whether that means finding them through an activity of mutual interest for example or perhaps

Intentionally connect with your body through meditation

Meditation and physical activity both require an intentional awareness of the body which can, in turn, make you feel more in control and more in tune with your body. A popular meditative practice is a body scan meditation. Insight Timer has an LGBTQ+ specific 5 minute body scan meditation.  

Start with body neutrality instead of body positivity 

There’s no one correct way to exist in your body. Body positivity works for some people and that’s great; for others, though, it’s a daunting prospect to go from body dysmorphia or hatred to the polar opposite. Body neutrality is a “philosophy of embodiment that sought to shift focus away from how our bodies look and toward how they can make us feel good.” In other words, instead of focusing on loving our physical form as opposed to hating it, the focus is shifted away from aesthetics entirely and towards the amazing things your body allows you to do.

Work on somatic/embodiment therapy with a queer affirming provider 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by trying to improve your relationship with your body, you might consider seeking out somatic therapy under the guidance of a queer affirming provider. Somatic therapy is “a form of body-centered therapy that looks at the connection of mind and body… In addition to talk therapy, somatic therapy practitioners use… physical techniques to help release the pent-up tension that negatively affects a patient’s physical and emotional wellbeing.” This type of therapy can take many different forms so it might take some searching to find the right therapist for you. For guidance on finding a specifically queer affirming provider, check out this article.

Journeying to feel at home in your body is no easy task and you should take a moment to appreciate yourself and the hard work that you’re doing. This journey has no final destination and will likely last a lifetime but with the right community and tools, finding bodily peace is not beyond reach.   

3 Tips For Supporting Your Mental Health in 2021

The COVID-19 pandemic has affected all of us in some way. The prevalence of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues have increased significantly. Thousands of people lost employment, and even more lives have been lost due to COVID-19 or COVID-19 related complications. Many parents are feeling the pressure of balancing working from home while simultaneously managing their children’s remote learning. Social isolation has resulted in chronic loneliness and boredom which can be detrimental to our mental health and wellbeing. People are also struggling to connect more than ever. The sudden cataclysmic events have brought to light the frightening realization that spending time alone was not something we were prepared for. Below are just a few ways to support your mental health this year: 

Source: Gunshow Comic

1. Start a Hobby

Staying productive and starting a new hobby can have a positive effect on your mood. Hobbies come in all shapes and sizes and budgets! The benefits of engaging in a new hobby are numerous. Having a hobby can help get you out of work mode and take you out of your everyday routine. Some hobbies such as online video games, require a social element which can help ease feelings of loneliness. What’s most important is to find a hobby that brings you pleasure.

Source: Buzzfeed 

2. Find Meaning in Each Day

At the beginning of the pandemic, people were panic-buying supplies out of a fear of scarcity. The need to feel safe, secure, and find some sense of purpose when isolated helped many sustain some semblance of normalcy. Viktor Emil Frankl, a Austrian psychiatrist and psychotherapist said, “life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” When it is impossible to change your surroundings, you are challenged to change yourself and your cognitions. Frankl reiterated that you can find meaning by expressing yourself creatively, interacting authentically with your surroundings, and changing your attitude about a situation. 

3. Make Self Care a Priority

According to the International Journal of Nursing Studies, having a self care routine contributes positively to mental health and can lead to a longer life. The World Health Organization defines self care as the ability to promote, prevent, and maintain your health with or without the support of a healthcare provider. Self care can look differently for everyone -- it is generally best to experiment to discover what works best for you. 

Some examples of self care include:

• Moving your body. This could look like engaging in some gentle stretching, going for a walk, or dancing around your home. Research shows that engaging in aerobic exercise can boost self esteem and promote mental wellbeing. 

• Getting quality sleep. Giving yourself the opportunity to rest and recharge is essential for your mental health.

• Taking a break from screens. Excessive screen time has been shown to have negative effects on mental health. 

• Meditating. Incorporating meditation or mindfulness meditation into your day can improve cognitive function and feelings of overall well being. 

• Taking in natural sunlight. Your circadian rhythm signals your body when to sleep, and when to be active. Controlling your exposure to sunlight or bright lights can help you sleep better at night and wake up refreshed. 

• Baking a new recipe. Baking is a great way to express creativity and practice mindfulness which can reduce stress.

• Tending to your garden or house plants. Snake plants can survive with minimal amounts of care and they help filter the air. Even better, fill your home with cacti, as long as they get some light they don’t care if you forget about them for a while. According to Jennifer Scriven, a Business Development Manager at Axcess Merchant Services, having cacti on your desk can increase productivity and reduce stress. 

Whatever you decide to do, be compassionate with yourself through this process until you find what works best for your needs. Reducing your stress and focusing on improving your mental health will benefit not only you, but those around you. Gradually incorporate these changes to prioritize your mental health and stay motivated.