Desire Discrepancy: What It Is And What You Can Do

Differences in libido within a sexual relationship are bound to happen at some point and it is even more likely in the context of a global pandemic. These differences, sometimes called desire discrepancy, can be a huge source of tension between partners and it’s not always within our control. There are tons of factors that play into our desire for sex and with so many variables, it can feel difficult to understand. That’s why we’re going to cover the factors involved and what to do about it. 

Factors Influencing Libido

There are a litany of factors that influence our libido, which is why it can fluctuate ever so frequently. Particularly in a time when more or less everyone’s stress level is heightened, libidos are all over the place. Many people are experiencing a shift in how their libido functions and fluctuates; annoying for sure, but definitely normal. There are several reasons this fluctuation occurs, within or outside pandemic times.  

• Hormones/Biology

  • Hormones fluctuate for a variety of reasons like a menstrual cycle, stress (more on that next), and aging. As hormones fluctuate, they can affect your libido. This is a pretty unavoidable factor, but understanding how and when your hormones fluctuate might help you understand changes in your libido. If you’re seriously concerned about how your hormones shift and the outfall from that, talk to your medical provider.  

• Stress 

  • Stress does some pretty crazy things to the body, including affecting libido. It both physically and mentally influences your desire to have sex. Physically, your hormone production changes when you’re under stress like increased cortisol, which lowers libido. Mentally, when you have a busy brain you can’t mindfully enjoy sexual pleasure as much and it can even preclude you from orgasming. Plus, stress by definition puts a strain which is exhausting, yet another reason you might not be feeling up to getting down.

• Medication

  • Some types of medications can suppress libido as a side effect, especially antidepressants. If this is the case for you and it is significantly hindering your enjoyment of life or otherwise undesirable, talk to your doctor about possibly adjusting your medication(s). 

• Trauma

  • Any trauma, but especially sexual trauma, can negatively affect libido. Everyone reacts to trauma differently; some people become more sexual, some don’t want anything to do with sex, and some fall in between. 

• Relationship to our bodies 

  • Lots of people struggle with loving their own body, especially during a pandemic when people are stress eating and lacking access to their usual exercise resources. If you’re feeling particularly down about your body, it could be affecting your sexual interest. When you feel unattractive or uncomfortable in your skin, it’s less likely that you’ll want to expose yourself and be vulnerable in that way with another person.

What Can I Do? 

While this is a frustrating issue, it’s not insurmountable! Don’t despair just yet because there are lots of things you can try.

• Schedule sex

  • So many romanticized sex scenes involve passionate, spur of the moment heat. That doesn’t mean that planned sex is any less hot though! It doesn’t have to be a buzzkill to the thrill; the lead-up and tension building to the time compound the excitement and anticipation. Especially in longer term relationships, sex can move to the back burner in favor of more urgent priorities. For healthy relationships (that involve people who do typically want to have sex, as opposed to people who do not typically want sex) sex can be both a fun, connecting experience and a way to increase physical and emotional intimacy. For these reasons, it’s important to incorporate consistent sexual encounters into your life! Scheduling sex allows this to be a more conscious process of incorporation. It can relieve some of the stress of initiating sex and ensures that you make time for it. Of course, this isn’t an iron-clad schedule! If the time rolls around and someone isn’t feeling it, there should be no obligation to follow through. Perhaps you can agree on another pleasurable activity that everyone is up for, even if it’s not sex, like like cuddling or kissing, which is elaborated on below.

• Determine the root issue

  • When applicable, try to solve the root issues of a lacking libido (in the instance that this is not your norm). If it’s stress, consider working with a psychotherapist to develop coping strategies and stronger self-care habits. If it is body image, do some body positive activities, join support groups on social media, speak to a psychotherapist, and read up. You get the point, effects on libido are a symptom; to really solve it long term, you need to address the root.  

• If you wanna get something done, do it yourself

  • Self-pleasure is important to a healthy sex life both because it helps you know your own body and preferences better, and because it nurtures your need for sexual fulfillment. It won’t be the same as partnered sex but that doesn’t mean it’s “worse”. Masturbation isn’t the “backup option” for sex; both masturbation and sex can, and for many people should, exist in a healthy sex life. For those wanting to treat themselves, consider investing in sex toys from a body-safe shop like Spectrum Boutique, Unbound, or Peepshow Toys.

• Consider an open relationship 

  • Open relationships won’t be everyone’s cup of tea but they’re worth considering especially if mismatched libido is a persistent issue and causes tension in the relationship. One of our recent blog posts offers a guide for people considering an open relationship. 

• Say no 

  • Everyone has the absolute, unquestionable right to say “no,” no questions asked. That being said, it might be beneficial for a relationship if when someone says no to sex, that they provide reassurance. This can help the person wanting sex to avoid feelings of undesirability or otherwise negative thoughts. 

• Explore non-sexual intimacy 

  • Sometimes the desire for sex is rooted in a desire for physical touch. Even if one person involved in the relationship isn’t wanting sex, it’s worth having a conversation about how to incorporate other types of physical touch like cuddling or kissing routinely. It can increase feelings of intimacy and care without involving sex and this compromise can assuage the tension around mismatched libidos. 

• See a sex therapist 

  • While there tends to be stigma around sex therapy, there shouldn’t be! Sex therapy, for either an individual or for partners, is a great resource, particularly if differences in libido persistently cause conflict in a relationship. Embrace Sexual Wellness offers individual, relationship and sex therapy so if you’re feeling like you need a facilitator to help you out, go for it. Investing in the wellness of yourself and your loved one(s) is essential to your happiness, regardless of whether that involves psychotherapy.  

Desire discrepancy isn’t anyone’s fault. Try to practice some empathy and think about how your partner might feel in addition to you. And always remember: this issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t one partner’s fault (and so on and so forth when there are more than two involved); it’s you all against the problem. 

3 Tips For Supporting Your Mental Health in 2021

The COVID-19 pandemic has affected all of us in some way. The prevalence of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues have increased significantly. Thousands of people lost employment, and even more lives have been lost due to COVID-19 or COVID-19 related complications. Many parents are feeling the pressure of balancing working from home while simultaneously managing their children’s remote learning. Social isolation has resulted in chronic loneliness and boredom which can be detrimental to our mental health and wellbeing. People are also struggling to connect more than ever. The sudden cataclysmic events have brought to light the frightening realization that spending time alone was not something we were prepared for. Below are just a few ways to support your mental health this year: 

Source: Gunshow Comic

1. Start a Hobby

Staying productive and starting a new hobby can have a positive effect on your mood. Hobbies come in all shapes and sizes and budgets! The benefits of engaging in a new hobby are numerous. Having a hobby can help get you out of work mode and take you out of your everyday routine. Some hobbies such as online video games, require a social element which can help ease feelings of loneliness. What’s most important is to find a hobby that brings you pleasure.

Source: Buzzfeed 

2. Find Meaning in Each Day

At the beginning of the pandemic, people were panic-buying supplies out of a fear of scarcity. The need to feel safe, secure, and find some sense of purpose when isolated helped many sustain some semblance of normalcy. Viktor Emil Frankl, a Austrian psychiatrist and psychotherapist said, “life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” When it is impossible to change your surroundings, you are challenged to change yourself and your cognitions. Frankl reiterated that you can find meaning by expressing yourself creatively, interacting authentically with your surroundings, and changing your attitude about a situation. 

3. Make Self Care a Priority

According to the International Journal of Nursing Studies, having a self care routine contributes positively to mental health and can lead to a longer life. The World Health Organization defines self care as the ability to promote, prevent, and maintain your health with or without the support of a healthcare provider. Self care can look differently for everyone -- it is generally best to experiment to discover what works best for you. 

Some examples of self care include:

• Moving your body. This could look like engaging in some gentle stretching, going for a walk, or dancing around your home. Research shows that engaging in aerobic exercise can boost self esteem and promote mental wellbeing. 

• Getting quality sleep. Giving yourself the opportunity to rest and recharge is essential for your mental health.

• Taking a break from screens. Excessive screen time has been shown to have negative effects on mental health. 

• Meditating. Incorporating meditation or mindfulness meditation into your day can improve cognitive function and feelings of overall well being. 

• Taking in natural sunlight. Your circadian rhythm signals your body when to sleep, and when to be active. Controlling your exposure to sunlight or bright lights can help you sleep better at night and wake up refreshed. 

• Baking a new recipe. Baking is a great way to express creativity and practice mindfulness which can reduce stress.

• Tending to your garden or house plants. Snake plants can survive with minimal amounts of care and they help filter the air. Even better, fill your home with cacti, as long as they get some light they don’t care if you forget about them for a while. According to Jennifer Scriven, a Business Development Manager at Axcess Merchant Services, having cacti on your desk can increase productivity and reduce stress. 

Whatever you decide to do, be compassionate with yourself through this process until you find what works best for your needs. Reducing your stress and focusing on improving your mental health will benefit not only you, but those around you. Gradually incorporate these changes to prioritize your mental health and stay motivated. 

The Mindfulness and Pleasure Connection

Have you ever found yourself running on autopilot? Waking up and going through the motions, each day without really thinking about the task at hand. If this sounds like you, don’t be alarmed, almost half of the population is “mentally checked out”. We all have the potential to be more present in the moment, the hard part is remembering to do it.

Maybe you have heard of mindfulness but never understood exactly what it meant or how to even be mindful, and that's okay. Mindfulness has been in practice for centuries and was originally a Buddhist concept brought to the Western mainstream by Jon Kabat-Zinn. In his book, Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important, Kabat-Zinn states that we can no longer ignore the new possibilities that emerge out of our yearnings when we are true to ourselves. This cultivation of mindfulness can contribute to our lives in so many ways including our health and sexual wellbeing. Researcher Lori Brotto defines mindfulness as “present moment nonjudgmental awareness”, and participating in the moment versus being a spectator judging your performance. 

Judgment of your body can contribute to sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction. By incorporating a daily mindfulness practice into your routine you can begin to calm the chatter in your mind. According to the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, being mindful may contribute to sexual wellness by allowing for intentional behavior, emtoional regulation, reduction in anxiety, and an increase in self esteem. Performance anxiety can affect people of all genders throughout their lifespan. When being intimate with yourself or a partner(s), thinking about your body in a negative way can be a real mood killer. For penis-having individuals the inability to be present can cause erectile dysfunction. By being a spectator in erotic situations you can diminish your ability to maintain an erection. Spectatoring refers to shifting your focus from the present moment, and evaluating yourself and sexual activity in a third person perspective. Focusing your attention on sexual performance instead of the present sensory experience can interfere with your sexual functioning and lead to erectile dysfunction. 

When you instead focus your thoughts on the here and now, your primary attention is on your body and physical sensations and pleasure. The muscles that surround the penis need to relax in order for dilation of the arteries to occur, which promotes an erection. By being mindful during sex you can alleviate “cognitive interference,” which is associated with a decrease in anxiety related to sex. Attending to physical sensations can enhance your sexual and romantic relationship. 

For individuals with vulvas, mindfulness has been shown to decrease genital pain and sexual distress and bridge the mind-body disconnect. When the central nervous system is disregulated by stress, central sensitization, and hormonal changes in the neuroendocrine system, this can cause the vulvar skin to change increasing sensitivity to pain. According to Brotto, interest and motivation for sex can all be impacted by negative body image, sense of self, comfort in partnership, and violation to your sense of safety. By practicing mindfulness, participants in Brotto’s study reported an increase in “sexual function, including desire, arousal, orgasm,” and overall psychological well being. Through increasing attention to the here and now, it may be possible to redirect any negative thoughts or judgments that may arise when in an intimate situation.

Regardless of your gender identity or relationship status, mindfulness can benefit your sexual wellbeing. We encourage you to experiment with different modalities of mindfulness. One of our favorite partnered mindfulness practices is sensate focus. This activity encourages you to actively focus on and communicate with your partner(s) about the sensation you are experiencing. By being fully present with your partner free from judgment, you can dive deeper into a state of erotic pleasure. Mindfulness is also something that you can practice on your own, by simply paying attention to your breath and any thoughts that may arise. There are a variety of apps available that can help guide you through this process. We are linking our favorites below:

• Headspace - Great for the whole family with hundreds of meditations to choose from

• Calm - Focus in on what you want to meditate on with guided sessions between 3-25 minutes  

• Insight Timer - Chart your progress and earn badges on your mindfulness journey

• Aura - Personalized meditations based on your mood

• Sattva - Drawing its meditations from ancient Vedic principles, this app is perfect for anyone looking to get more in touch with the origin of mediation

• Buddhify - Perfect for those on the go (meditations for travel, dining, and more)

• Simple Habit - Traditional guided meditation mixed with coaching

Breathing techniques are something you can do anywhere and at any time. By mindfully slowing the breath we engage the parasympathetic nervous system, which signals to our body it is time to calm down. Next time you are getting intimate with yourself or your partner(s) try taking a few minutes to intentionally slow your breath and practice mindfulness.