What To Do When Your Partner Loses Their Erection: 6 Ways to Respond

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Intimacy is a vital component of a healthy romantic relationship, and sexual intimacy plays a significant role in many partnerships. However, it's not uncommon for individuals to experience challenges with their sexual health, including erectile dysfunction or difficulties with erections. If you find yourself in a situation where your partner loses their erection, it's important to respond in a supportive and understanding manner.

How do I deal with my partner’s erectile dysfunction? 

Here are some healthy ways to respond when your partner loses their erection:

1.   Practice Compassion and Understanding

Is ED a reason to break up? It's crucial to remember that experiencing difficulties with erections is not uncommon and can happen to anyone. Erection issues can stem from a variety of reasons, including stress, anxiety, fatigue, medical conditions, or simply random occurrences. It's essential to approach the situation with compassion and understanding rather than judgment or frustration. Avoid blaming or shaming your partner, as it can worsen the situation and create emotional distress. Instead, be empathetic and let your partner know that you understand it's a common occurrence and are there to support them.

2.  Communicate Openly and Honestly

So, how do people feel when they can’t get it up? Open communication is vital in any relationship, and it becomes even more crucial when it comes to sexual health. Encourage your partner to communicate openly about their feelings, thoughts, and concerns regarding their lost erection. Listen attentively without interrupting or making assumptions. Avoid making negative comments or belittling their experience. Instead, offer reassurance and express your support. Remember, your partner may already feel embarrassed or disappointed, so it's essential to create a safe space for them to share without fear of judgment. 

3. Reframe the Situation

When your partner loses their erection, it's easy to interpret it as a failure or a reflection of their attraction to you. However, it's important to reframe the situation and see it as a temporary setback that does not necessarily indicate their feelings for you. Remind yourself and your partner that sexual performance is not the sole measure of intimacy and connection in a relationship. Unless this is communicated, performance anxiety could escalate. Emotional and mental connections are equally important. Shift the focus from the physical act to the emotional bond and intimacy you share and emphasize that you are still connected despite the temporary challenge.

4.   Offer Support or Solutions

You may wonder if a man with erectile dysfunction could ever satisfy a partner. If your partner is open to it, offer support and explore potential solutions together. However, it's important to approach this with sensitivity and respect for your partner's comfort level. Avoid pressuring them or imposing solutions without their consent. Instead, discuss options such as seeing a healthcare professional, trying different sexual activities, or exploring relaxation techniques together. Encourage your partner to seek medical advice if they are concerned about their sexual health, as underlying medical conditions can sometimes affect erectile function. Remind them that seeking help is a sign of strength and not weakness.

5.  Be Patient and Understanding

Your partner is most likely already wondering how to overcome their ED anxiety. Dealing with a partner's lost erection can be frustrating and disappointing, but it's important to remember that patience is key. Avoid expressing frustration, disappointment, or anger towards your partner, as it can exacerbate the situation and create emotional distance. Instead, be understanding and patient. Reassure your partner that you are not disappointed or upset with them and are there to support them through this challenge. Be willing to step back from sexual activities and focus on other forms of intimacy, such as emotional connection, affection, and closeness.

6.   Prioritize Self-Care

Coping with your partner's lost erection can also be emotionally challenging. It's important to prioritize your own self-care during this time. Take care of your emotional and physical well-being, and seek support from trusted friends, family, or a sex therapist. Engage in activities that help you relax and manage stress, such as getting regular exercise, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. Remember that taking care of yourself allows you to be better equipped to support your partner in a healthy and understanding manner.

Takeaways

Can erectile dysfunction ruin a relationship? Only if you let it. At the end of the day, sexual intimacy is a personal and sensitive aspect of any romantic relationship, and it's important to approach it with kindness, patience, and understanding. By responding healthily and supporting your partner through their challenges with erectile function, you can strengthen your bond, deepen your emotional connection, and foster a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Remember that relationships are built on trust, love, and understanding; facing challenges together can ultimately strengthen your partnership. So, be there for your partner, be understanding, and work together towards finding solutions that work for both of you. With mutual support, empathy, and patience, you can navigate this situation healthily and positively!

The Mindfulness and Pleasure Connection

Have you ever found yourself running on autopilot? Waking up and going through the motions, each day without really thinking about the task at hand. If this sounds like you, don’t be alarmed, almost half of the population is “mentally checked out”. We all have the potential to be more present in the moment, the hard part is remembering to do it.

Maybe you have heard of mindfulness but never understood exactly what it meant or how to even be mindful, and that's okay. Mindfulness has been in practice for centuries and was originally a Buddhist concept brought to the Western mainstream by Jon Kabat-Zinn. In his book, Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important, Kabat-Zinn states that we can no longer ignore the new possibilities that emerge out of our yearnings when we are true to ourselves. This cultivation of mindfulness can contribute to our lives in so many ways including our health and sexual wellbeing. Researcher Lori Brotto defines mindfulness as “present moment nonjudgmental awareness”, and participating in the moment versus being a spectator judging your performance. 

Judgment of your body can contribute to sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction. By incorporating a daily mindfulness practice into your routine you can begin to calm the chatter in your mind. According to the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, being mindful may contribute to sexual wellness by allowing for intentional behavior, emtoional regulation, reduction in anxiety, and an increase in self esteem. Performance anxiety can affect people of all genders throughout their lifespan. When being intimate with yourself or a partner(s), thinking about your body in a negative way can be a real mood killer. For penis-having individuals the inability to be present can cause erectile dysfunction. By being a spectator in erotic situations you can diminish your ability to maintain an erection. Spectatoring refers to shifting your focus from the present moment, and evaluating yourself and sexual activity in a third person perspective. Focusing your attention on sexual performance instead of the present sensory experience can interfere with your sexual functioning and lead to erectile dysfunction. 

When you instead focus your thoughts on the here and now, your primary attention is on your body and physical sensations and pleasure. The muscles that surround the penis need to relax in order for dilation of the arteries to occur, which promotes an erection. By being mindful during sex you can alleviate “cognitive interference,” which is associated with a decrease in anxiety related to sex. Attending to physical sensations can enhance your sexual and romantic relationship. 

For individuals with vulvas, mindfulness has been shown to decrease genital pain and sexual distress and bridge the mind-body disconnect. When the central nervous system is disregulated by stress, central sensitization, and hormonal changes in the neuroendocrine system, this can cause the vulvar skin to change increasing sensitivity to pain. According to Brotto, interest and motivation for sex can all be impacted by negative body image, sense of self, comfort in partnership, and violation to your sense of safety. By practicing mindfulness, participants in Brotto’s study reported an increase in “sexual function, including desire, arousal, orgasm,” and overall psychological well being. Through increasing attention to the here and now, it may be possible to redirect any negative thoughts or judgments that may arise when in an intimate situation.

Regardless of your gender identity or relationship status, mindfulness can benefit your sexual wellbeing. We encourage you to experiment with different modalities of mindfulness. One of our favorite partnered mindfulness practices is sensate focus. This activity encourages you to actively focus on and communicate with your partner(s) about the sensation you are experiencing. By being fully present with your partner free from judgment, you can dive deeper into a state of erotic pleasure. Mindfulness is also something that you can practice on your own, by simply paying attention to your breath and any thoughts that may arise. There are a variety of apps available that can help guide you through this process. We are linking our favorites below:

• Headspace - Great for the whole family with hundreds of meditations to choose from

• Calm - Focus in on what you want to meditate on with guided sessions between 3-25 minutes  

• Insight Timer - Chart your progress and earn badges on your mindfulness journey

• Aura - Personalized meditations based on your mood

• Sattva - Drawing its meditations from ancient Vedic principles, this app is perfect for anyone looking to get more in touch with the origin of mediation

• Buddhify - Perfect for those on the go (meditations for travel, dining, and more)

• Simple Habit - Traditional guided meditation mixed with coaching

Breathing techniques are something you can do anywhere and at any time. By mindfully slowing the breath we engage the parasympathetic nervous system, which signals to our body it is time to calm down. Next time you are getting intimate with yourself or your partner(s) try taking a few minutes to intentionally slow your breath and practice mindfulness.

A Simplified Guide To Safer [Oral] Sex

Blowjobs, fellatio, giving head, eating out, cunnilingus, rimming. These are all terms used to reference oral sex which is any activity that involves the mouth, lips, or tongue, to stimulate the genitals, or anus of a sex partner. According to the CDC, more than 85% of sexually-active adults (ages 18 to 44) reported having oral sex at least once with a partner, showing just how common oral sex is. 

The safest situation, other than abstaining from oral sex, is to only have oral sex if you are in a sexually monogamous relationship and you and your partner have both been tested recently. Not everyone is in this situation, and that should not deter you from having oral sex.   

Oral sex can be extremely pleasurable, but it is important to take precautions since STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) transmission can occur. Here are some critical things to know when engaging in oral sex. 

1. A person can acquire an STI while participating in oral sex

According to the CDC, certain infections such as Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Herpes, HPV, and in rare occasions, HIV, can be transmitted during oral sex. Furthermore, according to Avert, a charity providing accurate and trusted information about HIV and sexual health, notes that if you are engaging in oral-anal sex you could contract infections such as hepatitis A and E.coli. There is generally a very low risk of HIV infection from oral sex unless the receptive partner is living with an STI and has genital sores, or the partner providing oral stimulation has an STI and is symptomatic with sores, warts, or bleeding gums.  

Not all STIs have symptoms and/or symptoms could be more subtle. The University of Florida's Student Health Care Center recommends “looking before you lick,” to check for lesions, growths, or unusual discharge in the genital area. If you notice any of these, hold off on oral sex until your partner gets tested since these symptoms may be due to STIs. Furthermore, according to Avert, infections can be passed on even if there are no obvious signs or symptoms, meaning you should be getting tested frequently. 

If you are sexually active, the best practice is to get tested for STIs frequently. The CDC provides extensive guidelines for how often you should get tested based on your demographic, but it is advisable to get tested with each new partner for full transparency. Furthermore, many are unaware of window periods, the time it takes for an STI to read as positive after it has been transmitted. While some STIs only take a week to show up on a test, some may take up to four months.

It is always important to discuss your safer sex plans with your partner(s) including your test history and results, any sexual health concerns you are currently experiencing, and how this information will inform your plans for practicing safer [oral] sex. Greatist provides a helpful template on how you can speak to new partners about your sexual health status. 

To learn more about STIs and how to talk about them head over to our  recent blog post, Discussing Your STI Status and Practicing Safer Sex. 

2.  Use barrier methods for protection 

A way to protect against STIs during oral sex is by using barrier methods such as condoms and dental dams. There are a variety of brands, styles, and flavors of barrier methods to choose from, which can be fun to mix it up. You and a sexual partner can get a variety of barrier methods and try out a new one every time you engage in oral sex! A good rule of thumb is to always have your barrier method of choice with you so that you can always engage in safer oral sex. Lastly, make sure to use a new barrier for each sex act. 

External Condoms

If you are giving oral sex and your partner has a penis, we recommend using an external condom to prevent the transmission of STIs. To learn more about how to use external condoms, visit our Instagram for an IGTV demonstration led by ESW associate, Marnie Spiegel.

Dental Dams

If your partner has a vulva, or you are stimulating your partner anally, we recommend using a dental dam. To use a dental dam, hold one side against your partner’s vulva or anus and lick the other side, making sure to never turn the dam over. This graphic from Healthline shows how to use a dental dam.

Source: Healthline

Experts also recommend using a dental dam if the receptive partner is menstruating because menstrual blood can carry bacteria and viruses. Sometimes it can be difficult to find dental dams on short notice. Dental dams cannot always be found at gas stations, grocery stores, or doctors’ offices, so Healthline recommends going to a local adult store that sells pleasure devices, lube, and condoms or ordering them online at stores such as World Condoms or Undercover Condoms. There’s no need to worry because you can make your own by cutting a condom lengthways from bottom to top/the tip to create a single piece of material that can be used as a dam. This graphic from Healthline illustrates how you can create a dental dam out of a condom.

Source: Healthline

Watch this video from University of Chicago’s Wellness Center that teaches you how to convert an external condom into an effective dental dam!

Finger Condoms

Finger cots, or more commonly known as finger condoms, can be used when fingering a vagina or anus. Elizabeth Boskey at Very Well Health states that finger condoms can be an effective barrier method if you are only using one finger. They can reduce the risk of certain STIS and are often more comfortable than gloves. They note that finger condoms can be found in some first aid aisles of drugstores, but you can also purchase them online or make them by cutting a finger off of a latex glove. You can also experiment with different flavors of barrier methods, to excite your tastebuds and make safer oral sex more enjoyable - we recommend the strawberry flavor.

3. Brushing your teeth or using mouthwash before and after engaging in oral sex can lead to infection

You may want your breath to smell good before “going down” on someone, but brushing your teeth can actually increase your risk of contracting an STI. According to the University of Georgia’s Health Center, flossing and brushing your teeth can cause your gums to bleed, thus irritating them and making it easier for an infection to pass from one partner to another. In a 2017 interview with Shape magazine, endodontist Gary Glassman, D.D.S shared that you should only be rinsing your mouth out with water, nothing else, before and after having oral sex.

Oral hygiene is a necessary part of having safer oral sex. According to the CDC, poor oral health can lead to tooth decay, gum disease, bleeding gums, and oral cancer, thus making it easier for STIs to be transmitted. Make sure you are brushing and flossing regularly!

4. If you think you have the common cold, hold off on oral sex, as you may have an oral infection

It is important to note that some oral infections can be easily confused with the common cold. Assistant professor of clinical medicine at Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago, Gil Weiss, M.D, reports that some symptoms of STIs (such as a sore throat, cough, fever, and enlarged lymph nodes in the neck) are similar to symptoms of a common cold. The University of Georgia’s Health Center recommends abstaining from oral sex if your partner has a cold sore on their mouth or they are living with sores, discharge, or unusual odors on their genitals as these may be signs of infection.

Oral sex is pleasurable, but can be made even more pleasurable if sexual safety is taken into account. If you are feeling nervous about having oral sex because you think you may be experiencing symptoms of an STI, we recommend you hold off on oral sex until you get tested. Keep these tips in mind as you engage in oral sex, but most importantly make sure you are having a pleasureful time! 

TLDR:

1. A person can acquire an STI while participating in oral sex

2. Use barrier methods for protection 

3. Brushing your teeth or using mouthwash before and after engaging in oral sex can lead to infection

4. If you think you have the common cold, hold off on oral sex, as you may have an oral infection