3 Tips For Supporting Your Mental Health in 2021

The COVID-19 pandemic has affected all of us in some way. The prevalence of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues have increased significantly. Thousands of people lost employment, and even more lives have been lost due to COVID-19 or COVID-19 related complications. Many parents are feeling the pressure of balancing working from home while simultaneously managing their children’s remote learning. Social isolation has resulted in chronic loneliness and boredom which can be detrimental to our mental health and wellbeing. People are also struggling to connect more than ever. The sudden cataclysmic events have brought to light the frightening realization that spending time alone was not something we were prepared for. Below are just a few ways to support your mental health this year: 

Source: Gunshow Comic

1. Start a Hobby

Staying productive and starting a new hobby can have a positive effect on your mood. Hobbies come in all shapes and sizes and budgets! The benefits of engaging in a new hobby are numerous. Having a hobby can help get you out of work mode and take you out of your everyday routine. Some hobbies such as online video games, require a social element which can help ease feelings of loneliness. What’s most important is to find a hobby that brings you pleasure.

Source: Buzzfeed 

2. Find Meaning in Each Day

At the beginning of the pandemic, people were panic-buying supplies out of a fear of scarcity. The need to feel safe, secure, and find some sense of purpose when isolated helped many sustain some semblance of normalcy. Viktor Emil Frankl, a Austrian psychiatrist and psychotherapist said, “life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” When it is impossible to change your surroundings, you are challenged to change yourself and your cognitions. Frankl reiterated that you can find meaning by expressing yourself creatively, interacting authentically with your surroundings, and changing your attitude about a situation. 

3. Make Self Care a Priority

According to the International Journal of Nursing Studies, having a self care routine contributes positively to mental health and can lead to a longer life. The World Health Organization defines self care as the ability to promote, prevent, and maintain your health with or without the support of a healthcare provider. Self care can look differently for everyone -- it is generally best to experiment to discover what works best for you. 

Some examples of self care include:

• Moving your body. This could look like engaging in some gentle stretching, going for a walk, or dancing around your home. Research shows that engaging in aerobic exercise can boost self esteem and promote mental wellbeing. 

• Getting quality sleep. Giving yourself the opportunity to rest and recharge is essential for your mental health.

• Taking a break from screens. Excessive screen time has been shown to have negative effects on mental health. 

• Meditating. Incorporating meditation or mindfulness meditation into your day can improve cognitive function and feelings of overall well being. 

• Taking in natural sunlight. Your circadian rhythm signals your body when to sleep, and when to be active. Controlling your exposure to sunlight or bright lights can help you sleep better at night and wake up refreshed. 

• Baking a new recipe. Baking is a great way to express creativity and practice mindfulness which can reduce stress.

• Tending to your garden or house plants. Snake plants can survive with minimal amounts of care and they help filter the air. Even better, fill your home with cacti, as long as they get some light they don’t care if you forget about them for a while. According to Jennifer Scriven, a Business Development Manager at Axcess Merchant Services, having cacti on your desk can increase productivity and reduce stress. 

Whatever you decide to do, be compassionate with yourself through this process until you find what works best for your needs. Reducing your stress and focusing on improving your mental health will benefit not only you, but those around you. Gradually incorporate these changes to prioritize your mental health and stay motivated. 

The Mindfulness and Pleasure Connection

Have you ever found yourself running on autopilot? Waking up and going through the motions, each day without really thinking about the task at hand. If this sounds like you, don’t be alarmed, almost half of the population is “mentally checked out”. We all have the potential to be more present in the moment, the hard part is remembering to do it.

Maybe you have heard of mindfulness but never understood exactly what it meant or how to even be mindful, and that's okay. Mindfulness has been in practice for centuries and was originally a Buddhist concept brought to the Western mainstream by Jon Kabat-Zinn. In his book, Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important, Kabat-Zinn states that we can no longer ignore the new possibilities that emerge out of our yearnings when we are true to ourselves. This cultivation of mindfulness can contribute to our lives in so many ways including our health and sexual wellbeing. Researcher Lori Brotto defines mindfulness as “present moment nonjudgmental awareness”, and participating in the moment versus being a spectator judging your performance. 

Judgment of your body can contribute to sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction. By incorporating a daily mindfulness practice into your routine you can begin to calm the chatter in your mind. According to the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, being mindful may contribute to sexual wellness by allowing for intentional behavior, emtoional regulation, reduction in anxiety, and an increase in self esteem. Performance anxiety can affect people of all genders throughout their lifespan. When being intimate with yourself or a partner(s), thinking about your body in a negative way can be a real mood killer. For penis-having individuals the inability to be present can cause erectile dysfunction. By being a spectator in erotic situations you can diminish your ability to maintain an erection. Spectatoring refers to shifting your focus from the present moment, and evaluating yourself and sexual activity in a third person perspective. Focusing your attention on sexual performance instead of the present sensory experience can interfere with your sexual functioning and lead to erectile dysfunction. 

When you instead focus your thoughts on the here and now, your primary attention is on your body and physical sensations and pleasure. The muscles that surround the penis need to relax in order for dilation of the arteries to occur, which promotes an erection. By being mindful during sex you can alleviate “cognitive interference,” which is associated with a decrease in anxiety related to sex. Attending to physical sensations can enhance your sexual and romantic relationship. 

For individuals with vulvas, mindfulness has been shown to decrease genital pain and sexual distress and bridge the mind-body disconnect. When the central nervous system is disregulated by stress, central sensitization, and hormonal changes in the neuroendocrine system, this can cause the vulvar skin to change increasing sensitivity to pain. According to Brotto, interest and motivation for sex can all be impacted by negative body image, sense of self, comfort in partnership, and violation to your sense of safety. By practicing mindfulness, participants in Brotto’s study reported an increase in “sexual function, including desire, arousal, orgasm,” and overall psychological well being. Through increasing attention to the here and now, it may be possible to redirect any negative thoughts or judgments that may arise when in an intimate situation.

Regardless of your gender identity or relationship status, mindfulness can benefit your sexual wellbeing. We encourage you to experiment with different modalities of mindfulness. One of our favorite partnered mindfulness practices is sensate focus. This activity encourages you to actively focus on and communicate with your partner(s) about the sensation you are experiencing. By being fully present with your partner free from judgment, you can dive deeper into a state of erotic pleasure. Mindfulness is also something that you can practice on your own, by simply paying attention to your breath and any thoughts that may arise. There are a variety of apps available that can help guide you through this process. We are linking our favorites below:

• Headspace - Great for the whole family with hundreds of meditations to choose from

• Calm - Focus in on what you want to meditate on with guided sessions between 3-25 minutes  

• Insight Timer - Chart your progress and earn badges on your mindfulness journey

• Aura - Personalized meditations based on your mood

• Sattva - Drawing its meditations from ancient Vedic principles, this app is perfect for anyone looking to get more in touch with the origin of mediation

• Buddhify - Perfect for those on the go (meditations for travel, dining, and more)

• Simple Habit - Traditional guided meditation mixed with coaching

Breathing techniques are something you can do anywhere and at any time. By mindfully slowing the breath we engage the parasympathetic nervous system, which signals to our body it is time to calm down. Next time you are getting intimate with yourself or your partner(s) try taking a few minutes to intentionally slow your breath and practice mindfulness.

Consent, Communication, and Compersion, Oh My! A Guide on How to Open Your Relationship

Compulsory monogamy is the expectation that many, if not all, of us have grown up around. There is very little discussion about or representation of alternate romantic relationship structures. In the past few years, polyamory has become a little less foreign to the general public; however, that doesn’t mean that most people know how to practice ethical non-monogamy, also known as consensual non-monogamy or polyamory. With that in mind, this is a non-comprehensive guide on how to get started with opening up a relationship.

Some Key Terms

Before talking about the how, we need to talk about the what.    

• Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

• Metamour: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship

• Primary/nesting partner: In a hierarchical ENM relationship, the person (or persons) in the relationship with the highest degree of involvement or entanglement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance.

• Polyamory/ethical (or consensual) non-monogamy: when someone is in romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people at once. Does not necessitate marriage, like polygamy does.

• Polygamy: more of a legal term, this refers to the practice of specifically marrying more than one person. Often religiously affiliated. Not interchangeable with polyamory.

• Open: at least one person in a committed relationship is open to sex with other people; does not involve a romantic aspect. "Open" has evolved to become used as an umbrella term for all non-monogamy.

• Swinging: when couples exchange partners.

• Monogamish: when a couple is mostly monogamous with occasional extracurricular experiences.

• Relationship anarchy: relationship anarchists believe in judging the value of relationships on a case by case basis, independent of sexual relationships, as opposed to how society tends to value sexual relationships over platonic relationships.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of all polyamory-adjacent terms but it’s a good start. An important distinction as well is polyamorous vs. open relationships. The New York Times offers a wonderful explanation of the difference between open relationships and other forms of polyamory. In short though, polyamory (as in the relationship structure, not the self-identifier) means that multiple people are romantically and/or sexually involved at the same time. Open relationships are when at least one partner is free to explore outside the relationship and often function for solely sexual purposes as opposed to romantic. All open relationships are a form of polyamory, but not all polyamorous relationship are open, such as in the instance of a closed triad. 

Why Isn’t It Cheating? 

Ah, the million dollar question. One of the biggest stigmas that polyamorous people face is that they are overly promiscuous cheating scum. In actuality, healthy, ethical polyamorous relationships have similar standards to monogamy in that both require openness, honesty, and communication. 

Cheating is non-consensual; it is a unilateral decision to break set boundaries in a relationship. Polyamory, when done right, is a deliberate consensual collaboration in which the boundaries set, while different from monogamous relationships, similarly cannot be crossed. 

Not to mention, cheating is possible in a polyamorous relationship; for example, if the people in the relationship agree that none of them can sleep with anyone that the people in the relationship know already, and then one of them sleeps with a friend, that is cheating. 

We’ve Got the What, Now for the How

1. Research, research, and more research

   1. When you embark on the journey to open up a relationship, there is a lot to learn. Some questions you might seek answers to in your research are “what is my own comfort level with x, y, z?” “how do I mitigate jealousy?” “what boundaries will make me feel safe?” “what needs to happen to ensure mutual trust?” There are external resources at the bottom of the article.

2. Opening your relationship is not a solution

   1. If your motivation for opening your relationship is to fix existing issues, stop. It will only serve to enlarge the wedge between you and your partner. Opening up a relationship should be a conscious desire and choice, not a bandaid. 

3. Setting boundaries

   1. Before opening up the relationship, you must set boundaries and expectations to avoid inadvertently hurting someone. Note that you should be agreeing on boundaries, not rules. An explanation of the distinction can be found here. Some boundaries to consider might include who you do/do not use barrier methods with during sexual encounters, how much you share with a partner about your exploits/metamours, whether you want to meet metamours, and how shared spaces will function. 

4. The big green monster in the room

   1. Jealousy. This is what most people think of as their first objection to practicing polyamory. It will take work and patience to grapple with your jealousy, but it is definitely possible. An amazing resource for working through jealousy is The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola. 

5. Communication nation

   1. This is probably the most important tool in your relationship toolbox: COMMUNICATION. It is vital for any relationship, and that goes doubly for polyamory. While some people opt for a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about what happens outside of the relationship, this is not recommended. It allows anxiety to fester until it turns to resentment. Generally speaking, the best practice for most people is to be completely transparent about what they’re doing, with whom, for how long, practicing agreed upon boundaries.  

As was mentioned, this is not an exhaustive guide and you will need to seek out more information. Below are some resources:

• "The Ethical Slut" by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton 

• "More than Two" by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

• "Building Open Relationships" by Dr. Liz Powell

• "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating & Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino

• ConsciousPolyamory.org

• MoreThanTwo.com

• alt.poly 

• Unmarried.org