The Mindfulness and Pleasure Connection

Have you ever found yourself running on autopilot? Waking up and going through the motions, each day without really thinking about the task at hand. If this sounds like you, don’t be alarmed, almost half of the population is “mentally checked out”. We all have the potential to be more present in the moment, the hard part is remembering to do it.

Maybe you have heard of mindfulness but never understood exactly what it meant or how to even be mindful, and that's okay. Mindfulness has been in practice for centuries and was originally a Buddhist concept brought to the Western mainstream by Jon Kabat-Zinn. In his book, Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important, Kabat-Zinn states that we can no longer ignore the new possibilities that emerge out of our yearnings when we are true to ourselves. This cultivation of mindfulness can contribute to our lives in so many ways including our health and sexual wellbeing. Researcher Lori Brotto defines mindfulness as “present moment nonjudgmental awareness”, and participating in the moment versus being a spectator judging your performance. 

Judgment of your body can contribute to sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction. By incorporating a daily mindfulness practice into your routine you can begin to calm the chatter in your mind. According to the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, being mindful may contribute to sexual wellness by allowing for intentional behavior, emtoional regulation, reduction in anxiety, and an increase in self esteem. Performance anxiety can affect people of all genders throughout their lifespan. When being intimate with yourself or a partner(s), thinking about your body in a negative way can be a real mood killer. For penis-having individuals the inability to be present can cause erectile dysfunction. By being a spectator in erotic situations you can diminish your ability to maintain an erection. Spectatoring refers to shifting your focus from the present moment, and evaluating yourself and sexual activity in a third person perspective. Focusing your attention on sexual performance instead of the present sensory experience can interfere with your sexual functioning and lead to erectile dysfunction. 

When you instead focus your thoughts on the here and now, your primary attention is on your body and physical sensations and pleasure. The muscles that surround the penis need to relax in order for dilation of the arteries to occur, which promotes an erection. By being mindful during sex you can alleviate “cognitive interference,” which is associated with a decrease in anxiety related to sex. Attending to physical sensations can enhance your sexual and romantic relationship. 

For individuals with vulvas, mindfulness has been shown to decrease genital pain and sexual distress and bridge the mind-body disconnect. When the central nervous system is disregulated by stress, central sensitization, and hormonal changes in the neuroendocrine system, this can cause the vulvar skin to change increasing sensitivity to pain. According to Brotto, interest and motivation for sex can all be impacted by negative body image, sense of self, comfort in partnership, and violation to your sense of safety. By practicing mindfulness, participants in Brotto’s study reported an increase in “sexual function, including desire, arousal, orgasm,” and overall psychological well being. Through increasing attention to the here and now, it may be possible to redirect any negative thoughts or judgments that may arise when in an intimate situation.

Regardless of your gender identity or relationship status, mindfulness can benefit your sexual wellbeing. We encourage you to experiment with different modalities of mindfulness. One of our favorite partnered mindfulness practices is sensate focus. This activity encourages you to actively focus on and communicate with your partner(s) about the sensation you are experiencing. By being fully present with your partner free from judgment, you can dive deeper into a state of erotic pleasure. Mindfulness is also something that you can practice on your own, by simply paying attention to your breath and any thoughts that may arise. There are a variety of apps available that can help guide you through this process. We are linking our favorites below:

• Headspace - Great for the whole family with hundreds of meditations to choose from

• Calm - Focus in on what you want to meditate on with guided sessions between 3-25 minutes  

• Insight Timer - Chart your progress and earn badges on your mindfulness journey

• Aura - Personalized meditations based on your mood

• Sattva - Drawing its meditations from ancient Vedic principles, this app is perfect for anyone looking to get more in touch with the origin of mediation

• Buddhify - Perfect for those on the go (meditations for travel, dining, and more)

• Simple Habit - Traditional guided meditation mixed with coaching

Breathing techniques are something you can do anywhere and at any time. By mindfully slowing the breath we engage the parasympathetic nervous system, which signals to our body it is time to calm down. Next time you are getting intimate with yourself or your partner(s) try taking a few minutes to intentionally slow your breath and practice mindfulness.

Consent, Communication, and Compersion, Oh My! A Guide on How to Open Your Relationship

Compulsory monogamy is the expectation that many, if not all, of us have grown up around. There is very little discussion about or representation of alternate romantic relationship structures. In the past few years, polyamory has become a little less foreign to the general public; however, that doesn’t mean that most people know how to practice ethical non-monogamy, also known as consensual non-monogamy or polyamory. With that in mind, this is a non-comprehensive guide on how to get started with opening up a relationship.

Some Key Terms

Before talking about the how, we need to talk about the what.    

• Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

• Metamour: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship

• Primary/nesting partner: In a hierarchical ENM relationship, the person (or persons) in the relationship with the highest degree of involvement or entanglement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance.

• Polyamory/ethical (or consensual) non-monogamy: when someone is in romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people at once. Does not necessitate marriage, like polygamy does.

• Polygamy: more of a legal term, this refers to the practice of specifically marrying more than one person. Often religiously affiliated. Not interchangeable with polyamory.

• Open: at least one person in a committed relationship is open to sex with other people; does not involve a romantic aspect. "Open" has evolved to become used as an umbrella term for all non-monogamy.

• Swinging: when couples exchange partners.

• Monogamish: when a couple is mostly monogamous with occasional extracurricular experiences.

• Relationship anarchy: relationship anarchists believe in judging the value of relationships on a case by case basis, independent of sexual relationships, as opposed to how society tends to value sexual relationships over platonic relationships.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of all polyamory-adjacent terms but it’s a good start. An important distinction as well is polyamorous vs. open relationships. The New York Times offers a wonderful explanation of the difference between open relationships and other forms of polyamory. In short though, polyamory (as in the relationship structure, not the self-identifier) means that multiple people are romantically and/or sexually involved at the same time. Open relationships are when at least one partner is free to explore outside the relationship and often function for solely sexual purposes as opposed to romantic. All open relationships are a form of polyamory, but not all polyamorous relationship are open, such as in the instance of a closed triad. 

Why Isn’t It Cheating? 

Ah, the million dollar question. One of the biggest stigmas that polyamorous people face is that they are overly promiscuous cheating scum. In actuality, healthy, ethical polyamorous relationships have similar standards to monogamy in that both require openness, honesty, and communication. 

Cheating is non-consensual; it is a unilateral decision to break set boundaries in a relationship. Polyamory, when done right, is a deliberate consensual collaboration in which the boundaries set, while different from monogamous relationships, similarly cannot be crossed. 

Not to mention, cheating is possible in a polyamorous relationship; for example, if the people in the relationship agree that none of them can sleep with anyone that the people in the relationship know already, and then one of them sleeps with a friend, that is cheating. 

We’ve Got the What, Now for the How

1. Research, research, and more research

   1. When you embark on the journey to open up a relationship, there is a lot to learn. Some questions you might seek answers to in your research are “what is my own comfort level with x, y, z?” “how do I mitigate jealousy?” “what boundaries will make me feel safe?” “what needs to happen to ensure mutual trust?” There are external resources at the bottom of the article.

2. Opening your relationship is not a solution

   1. If your motivation for opening your relationship is to fix existing issues, stop. It will only serve to enlarge the wedge between you and your partner. Opening up a relationship should be a conscious desire and choice, not a bandaid. 

3. Setting boundaries

   1. Before opening up the relationship, you must set boundaries and expectations to avoid inadvertently hurting someone. Note that you should be agreeing on boundaries, not rules. An explanation of the distinction can be found here. Some boundaries to consider might include who you do/do not use barrier methods with during sexual encounters, how much you share with a partner about your exploits/metamours, whether you want to meet metamours, and how shared spaces will function. 

4. The big green monster in the room

   1. Jealousy. This is what most people think of as their first objection to practicing polyamory. It will take work and patience to grapple with your jealousy, but it is definitely possible. An amazing resource for working through jealousy is The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola. 

5. Communication nation

   1. This is probably the most important tool in your relationship toolbox: COMMUNICATION. It is vital for any relationship, and that goes doubly for polyamory. While some people opt for a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about what happens outside of the relationship, this is not recommended. It allows anxiety to fester until it turns to resentment. Generally speaking, the best practice for most people is to be completely transparent about what they’re doing, with whom, for how long, practicing agreed upon boundaries.  

As was mentioned, this is not an exhaustive guide and you will need to seek out more information. Below are some resources:

• "The Ethical Slut" by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton 

• "More than Two" by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

• "Building Open Relationships" by Dr. Liz Powell

• "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating & Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino

• ConsciousPolyamory.org

• MoreThanTwo.com

• alt.poly 

• Unmarried.org

Virtual Sex in a Pandemic: Tips on Boundaries, Safety, and Fun

In a time when physical intimacy is riskier than usual and feelings of loneliness seem pretty universal, it’s more important than ever to find creative sexual and intimate outlets. Our founder Jennifer spoke with the Chicago Tribune about this; as she put it, virtual sex can be “a nice option for a lot of people (because) it can kind of provide an avenue for connection with another person in a way that is a little bit safer.” Virtual sex isn’t for everyone but can be an option for intimacy when in-person sex isn’t safe. 

In a study about COVID-19 and sexual wellbeing, the researchers reported “Total abstinence and self-gratification can be the safest measures, but not always practically feasible… People can be encouraged to engage in digital sex (such as sexting or video sex), with an eye for the safety concerns. The mutual consent of the partners is, however, an essential consideration.” Let’s talk about some of the considerations around virtual sex like boundaries, safety precautions, and how to get the most fun out of it!

Discuss Boundaries Before Getting Hot and Heavy

Just as with in-person sex, it is essential to establish boundaries, rules, terms of consent, and safe words.

First, you should assess your own comfort level. How much do you trust this partner(s)? What are you comfortable sending; text, video chat, phone calls, photos, videos? How will you mitigate risk of leaked virtual sex (we’ll talk about risk reduction later!)? Are you willing to risk your words/photos being potentially exposed, even if you take every precaution? Is the risk/benefit worth it? When you and your partner(s) have assessed these questions independently, you can move on to discussing them together. This can feel awkward but if you aren’t comfortable enough setting boundaries with a partner, you shouldn’t be getting intimate with them. Discussing boundaries may help you feel more comfortable overall because you don’t need to worry whether or not your partner(s) into something you want to share or if they might accidentally say something that would upset or trigger you. I find that discussing boundaries beforehand makes me feel a lot more comfortable because I don’t have to worry if they’re into something I want to share or if they’ll accidentally trigger me. 

Here are some potential boundaries you might want to consider: 

• Some things I enjoy are ______. Some things I do not enjoy are _______. 

  • To build on this, set your “soft limits” and “hard limits.” The former is something you’re not actively interested but might consider if a partner was into it. The latter is something you are not willing to do under any circumstance. 

• No sharing any content with outsiders without explicit permission from the participating partner(s). 

• When and how you want to initiate virtual sex.

• Define what sorts of content (e.g. the medium used, the fantasies referenced)you are open to sharing and what you are open to receiving from your partner(s). 

No Matter How Much You Trust Your Partner(s), Take Safety Precautions

It makes the most sense, in terms of mitigating the risk of a breach of trust, to engage in virtual sex with someone you have a history with and who you know you trust. That being said, even best laid plans may go awry; it’s not fun to think about, we realize. What if in a few months you and your partner(s) have a messy fight or breakup? How certain are you that they wouldn’t seek revenge by violating the boundaries you discussed? This is why, even with your most trusted partners, you should consider safety precautions. Here are some ideas: 

• Using an encrypted, safe app from the outset is the easiest way to protect your data. While Apple values privacy and does a decent job at securing your data (Android not as much), all messages in iMessage are automatically synced to the cloud. Your best bet for sending photos is to use encrypted service when sending nudes or when video chatting like Signal or Telegram. After sending a piece of sensitive media, you may opt to store it in a password protected app like these or delete it entirely.

• Do not show your face in photos; you can either blur it or crop it out. Note that some blurring can be undone by certain software. Check out this article by Vice discussing how to fully censor your face in an irreversible way. Additionally, consider editing out/excluding any identifiable markings like birthmarks or tattoos. Make sure that there is nothing that will identify you in the background like papers with your name on it. 

• “Code” your photos with a different color or filter for each sexual partner you are sending them to. This way, in the event that it is leaked, you will know who did it. 

• Unless you have set boundaries to account for this beforehand, don’t sext when you’re under the influence of alcohol and/or other drugs such as marijuana because your judgment is impaired in this state and you might regret something you said or did in the morning. 

For more safety precautions, check out this thorough article. This may seem like a lot of work and it can be; you can choose to take one, some, all, or none of these precautions. Just remember that if you choose not to implement every security measure, you are at higher risk of having your nudes, with identifiable information that can be traced back to you, leaked publicly. It sounds scary when you’re digesting all these safeguards at once, and there is no foolproof way to exchange sensitive content, but with a few simple tweaks in your routine, you can minimize your risk.

Have Fun With It!

Of course, having just discussed setting boundaries and putting safety measures in place, sexting can feel overwhelmingly risky which might make you feel like it’s not worth it. That’s a personal decision for you to make, but it is possible to have safe and fun virtual sex! The best part of virtual sex, in this author’s opinion, is that it’s the best of both partnered sex and masturbation! You get the intimacy and thrill of engaging with another person sexually while satisfying yourself (if you choose to do so) by masturbating, and who knows your body better than you? Here are some ways to get the most out of your steamy virtual sesh: 

• Set the mood. Turn on some ambient lighting, get some massage oil, make a sexy playlist. You can also use props! Sex toys, lingerie, candles, chocolates, whatever makes you feel good (and sexy!).

• If you both consent to this beforehand, surprise each other with a teasing sext or a flirtatious photo throughout the day to build up anticipation for the virtual sex. Try saying things like…

  • I was just thinking about you doing ______ to me. 

  • Want to hear a fantasy of mine? 

  • Thinking about your (physical attribute) has me super distracted during work… 

• Be detailed when you’re telling your partner(s) what you want or what you’re thinking about. The more detail, the better! No one wants to do all the work in a one-sided sexting session.

Virtual sex might not be a perfect solution for these touch-starved times but it can definitely take the edge off. Happy sexting!