Ethical Porn: What Is It and How Do I Find It?

Porn is a great tool to enhance your sex life, but it’s also an ethical landmine. There is nothing inherently unethical about porn in a conceptual sense but unfortunately, in practice, the unregulated porn production industry is rife with exploitation and abuse. There’s sexual assault, racism, pedophilia, and unsafe working conditions, just to name a few. In light of this, there are some porn companies and individuals working to improve industry standards and produce porn ethically.

So what makes porn “ethical” or not? Ethical porn involves informed consent, performers treated with respect, safe working conditions, and fair compensation for those involved. These higher standards mean that ethical porn is rarely free, in order for the performers and crew to get sufficient pay. It’s important to remember that accessing porn is a luxury and privilege, not a right, and it shouldn’t be accessed at the cost of human exploitation.

In addition to production standards, ethical porn also often shows real sexual pleasure as opposed to it being over exaggerated, as well as portrays performers with diverse body sizes, races, sexualities, ages, and abilities. It’s important to acknowledge that because ethics are subjective, different people have different perspectives on what makes porn ethical. For example, some people might argue that fantasy content about dehumanizing storylines (e.g. hostile sexism), regardless of whether or not it was consensual, is unethical. The definition of ethical porn provided above covers the bare minimum requirements for ethical porn but beyond that, the definition is a gray area.

When looking for ethical porn, do research on the porn production company’s philosophy and standards. For example, some companies will include the consent process prior to filming so you can hear from the performers directly.

This might seem like a lot of work, particularly compared to simply typing in a keyword on PornHub and finding a video. And in a sense, it is easier, but it’s not better. Supporting ethical porn, especially when you pay for it, means you’re supporting sex worker rights and fair working conditions. Fortunately, we have recommendations and additional databases for accessing ethical porn for you! Here are a few of our favorite companies, excerpted from this Embrace Sexual Wellness resource page.

• Aorta Films 

• Bellesa

• Dipsea Stories

• Erika Lust Cinema

• Make Love Not Porn

• Pink Label TV

• X Confessions

And if you’re still seeking more suggestions, here are a few resources:

• Feminist Porn Awards

• List of LGBTQ+ Independent Porn Performers by WhatsMyBodyDoing

• Recommendations From QueerSexTherapy

It’s okay if you weren’t aware of the difference between ethical and unethical porn prior to reading this, and now that you’re equipped with this information you can support better porn and porn performers. Responsible porn consumption is an important part of a healthy sex life and hopefully these tips and suggestions will allow you to integrate it into yours. 

Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

Desire discrepancy is when the libidos of people in a relationship do not align. The two types of libido are responsive and spontaneous which differ in how your desire for sex is initiated. People with responsive desire experience physical arousal before mental desire, whereas those with spontaneous desire experience mental desire first and then the physical arousal. Mental desire is being turned on in your mind and wanting (either hypothetically or literally) sexual stimulation, while physical arousal manifests in your body such as getting an erection.

This binary of responsive versus spontaneous is helpful for understanding how one’s personal experience of libido compares relative to others; however, that is not to say that this type of libido is fixed or exists strictly in black or white. While many people do tend towards one or the other, libido is flexible and can change with time, age, relationship status, and more. Neither type is better or worse, nor anything that needs to be fixed, but having this information about oneself can be helpful in successfully navigating a healthy sex life.

Though there is nothing inherently wrong with either type, it of course can be frustrating if your desire type doesn’t align with the person/people you’re having sex with. This is what we call desire discrepancy. If this is something you’re struggling with, consider some of these approaches:

Explore non-sexual intimacy

• Physical intimacy can take many, many forms and getting creative is a good way to feel more physically connected with your sexual partner(s). Massages, cuddling, backscratching, and hugging are all great options for non-sexual physical touch.

Consider an open relationship

• If you’re in a monogamous relationship and therefore only have sex with your partner, desire discrepancy can be a major obstacle to sexual satisfaction. Opening up your relationship is a much bigger deal than just saying you want to, but it could be a good option in instances where desire discrepancy is the root of major tension in the relationship. Here is an Embrace Sexual Wellness article that goes into detail about how to open a monogamous relationship.

Talk to a sex therapist (either as an individual or as a relationship)

• Sex therapists are an amazing resource for sorting through sexual obstacles like desire discrepancy. They have knowledge about potential root causes of someone’s libido type, how to diffuse tension related to desire discrepancy, and creative problem solving that takes everyone’s needs into account. Working with a dedicated therapist also has the capacity to increase empathy on all sides, improving communication overall. If you live in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness for a consultation.

Desire discrepancy does not mean anyone is at fault and will require patience and empathy on all sides to work through. This issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t person versus person; it’s you all against the problem.

Feeling Stressed? Here are 3 Tips to Cope With Holiday Stress

The holidays are an exciting time but that excitement brings stress too. Between coordinating logistics, interpersonal drama, and potential financial burdens, not to mention less daylight, it’s understandable to feel overwhelmed by the fast approaching holiday season. With some forethought and planning though it doesn’t have to drown you. Here are Embrace Sexual Wellness’ best tips for not just surviving but thriving this holiday season so you can enjoy yourself to the fullest extent possible.

Clearly Identify and establish personal boundaries

• Boundaries are important year-round but they should most certainly be shored up ahead of a known stressful time. Family and boundaries can be particularly tricky so it might take more discipline to hold your ground. If you’re not sure where to start with determining and communicating your boundaries, check out this ESW article

Expect and accept imperfection

• It might sound obvious but it’s still important to intentionally remember that even the best laid plans go awry. In these moments, try reflecting on the true importance and priorities of the holidays: spending time with people you love.

Make an escape plan

Even the closest and calmest families and/or friends can feel overwhelming at times so consider planning how you might be able to get a break during the festivities before they begin. Whether that means going for a walk or a drive, stepping into the washroom, or finding another reprieve, knowing you have a plan to catch your breath can be stress reducing in and of itself.

These tips won’t solve all your problems or prevent stress completely, but they can certainly help ease your burden. We wish you and your loved ones the happiest holiday season!