How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

Practical Tips for Learning What You Like in Bed

Read and watch erotica

“Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

• Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

• Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

• How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

• Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

• Do you like dirty talk?

• Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

• How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

• How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

• What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

• Do you want to be penetrated?

• What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

3 Tips for Creating a Healthy Relationship

Healthy relationships are built, not automatic. Creating and maintaining a healthy relationship takes intentional effort. Yet, many people lack the knowledge and skills to build this kind of relationship because it is not usually explicitly taught. This lack of knowledge can lead to common pitfalls, miscommunication, and unmet needs, jeopardizing the relationship's health. This article will cover critical practices for creating and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.  

1. Prioritize communication

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It is nearly impossible to maintain a healthy connection without the ability to express boundaries, preferences, and disagreements. Regular, open dialogue helps to build a foundation of trust and understanding. When all partners feel heard and valued, they can constructively approach issues together. Sharing thoughts and feelings is the best way to develop a deeper connection. With healthy communication, you can tackle almost any problem that comes your way as a team. 

How to communicate effectively

• Avoid yelling, passive aggression, and the (unexplained) silent treatment. If you need to, take a step back and use emotional regulation techniques until you are ready to have an effective conversation.

• Focus on approaching the problem at hand as a team rather than thinking of your partner as an opponent.

• Speak from the "I" perspective and how you are feeling instead of attacking your partner.

2. Develop emotional responsiveness 

A plethora of scientific research discuss how emotional responsiveness is fundamental to long-term relationship satisfaction. Emotional responsiveness is the ongoing, mutual maintenance of an emotional connection. Partners who are emotionally responsive tend to feel more secure and report a stronger relationship overall. Three key components of emotional responsiveness are accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. Accessibility means that partners are open with each other even during moments of distress. Responsiveness means that partners are in tune with each others' emotions and respond in a validating way. Finally, engagement is giving special attention to your partner. If you want to evaluate emotional responsiveness in your relationship, check out Dr. Sue Johnson’s questionnaire.

How to cultivate emotional responsiveness

• Check in with your partner about the best way to support them during times of distress.

• Make consistent small gestures like buying your partner flowers or doing the dishes after they have had a long day to remind them that you are thinking of them.

• Reinforce the security of the relationship verbally, with physical affection, or acts of service when possible.

3. Clearly state your boundaries

Boundaries determine what is and is not okay within a relationship and are a vital part of any relationship. Not everyone knows how to set boundaries or even know what boundaries they need in the first place, so the first step is to figure out what you do and do not want and need. Effective communication helps your partner understand your boundaries; if they fail to respect your boundaries, that is a red flag. Truly supportive people who are invested in your well-being will be grateful for the guidance and respect your needs.

How to set boundaries

• Be as clear and straightforward as possible, and try not to let discomfort interfere with establishing boundaries

• Habitually check in with your partner about their boundaries and avoid making assumptions about their boundaries 

• Make a plan ahead of time for handling boundary violations 

TLDR

Creating a healthy relationship is not a destination but a continuous journey that requires maintenance. The journey is not always easy, but its challenges present the opportunity for growth and a deeper connection. If you want more relationship support along the way, consider reaching out to a relationship therapist.

What to Expect from Sex Therapy and How to know if it's working

Sex therapy is a valuable resource for individuals and couples looking to improve their sexual well-being, address concerns, and enhance their overall quality of life. However, questions often arise about its effectiveness and how to determine if sex therapy is making a positive impact. In this blog post, we'll explore the key aspects of sex therapy, including its effectiveness, common techniques, the therapy process, and when you should consider seeking a sex therapist. By the end, you'll have a better understanding of how to recognize that sex therapy is working for you.

Does Sex Therapy Work?

Before delving into the ways to know if sex therapy is working, it's important to address the fundamental question, does sex therapy work? The short answer is yes, sex therapy can be highly effective in addressing a wide range of sexual concerns. Whether you're struggling with sexual dysfunction, communication issues, or simply seeking to improve your sexual experiences, sex therapy can offer valuable support.

When Should I See a Sex Therapist?

You may benefit from seeing a sex therapist if you are experiencing or have experienced any of the following:

• Sexual dysfunction (e.g., erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or anorgasmia)

• Difficulty with intimacy and connection with your partner

• Relationship conflicts related to sexual issues

• Lack of sexual desire or sexual satisfaction

• A history of trauma or sexual abuse 

• Out-of-control sexual behavior

What to Expect During Sex Therapy

The sex therapy process can vary, but it typically involves several stages including assessment, goal setting, intervention, homework and self-practice, progress review, and closure and maintenance.

Assessment

The therapist conducts an initial assessment to understand your concerns, goals, and background. This helps tailor the therapy to your specific needs. They’ll be interested in how long you have been experiencing that which you are concerned about and the ways in which it is impacting your daily functioning. Also, there is often an exploration of sexual scripts (e.g., what we believe about sex and where we learned it).

Goal Setting 

You and the therapist work together to set specific goals for therapy, which provides a clear direction for your sessions. Many therapists have different approaches to the goal setting process. Goals can range from addressing the sexual concerns explicitly to exploring and processing the impact of life events that may be informing the concern.

Intervention

Therapy sessions may include various techniques and exercises to address your concerns and work towards your goals. For example, communication exercises encourage open dialogue about desires and concerns. Education and psychoeducation offer accurate information about sexual functioning. Sensate focus exercises promote sensual exploration without an agenda. Cognitive-behavioral therapy targets negative thought patterns and behaviors, while mindfulness and relaxation techniques alleviate performance anxiety and enhance overall sexual experiences. These interventions are adapted to individual or couple needs, aiming to improve sexual satisfaction and promote healthy relationships.

Homework and Self-Practice

You and your partner may receive assignments to complete between sessions, fostering personal growth and progress. These activities are designed to help you actively work toward your goals. This is where much of the growth and progress occurs, when you use what you’re learning through therapy to bring about change in your life. It’s important to acknowledge that people tend to vary on their pace of therapy as well.

Progress Review

Periodically, you and your therapist will review your progress, adjust goals, and fine-tune the therapeutic approach as needed. These are often referred to as progress check-ins. It provides opportunities for the therapist and client to lean into the therapeutic relationship by discussing progress, offering feedback, and highlighting strengths. In some cases, clients can shift into closure or maintenance while others collaborate with their therapist to create new therapeutic goals, if desired.

Closure and Maintenance

Once your goals are met, therapy can conclude with strategies to maintain your progress and address any potential future concerns. This can look like adjusting the frequency of therapy sessions. These “maintenance” sessions are meant to help clients transition out of therapy while continuing to engage with the changes they created during the course of therapy.

Basic Sex Therapy Techniques

Sex therapists employ a variety of techniques to address their clients' needs.

• Education. Sex therapists often provide education about sexual health, anatomy, and the nature of sexual issues. Understanding the fundamentals can help demystify the challenges you face.

• Communication Skills. Therapists teach couples effective communication skills to express their desires, concerns, and boundaries in a non-confrontational manner.

• Behavioral Techniques. Behavioral techniques may involve exercises, assignments, or sensate focus exercises to help you and your partner become more attuned to each other's bodies and desires.

• Cognitive-Behavioral Exercises. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT is a valuable approach for addressing psychological factors contributing to sexual concerns. It helps reframe negative thought patterns and beliefs.

• Sensory Awareness. Exploring sensory awareness can help individuals and couples become more in tune with their bodies and sensations, leading to enhanced sexual experiences.

How to Know if Sex Therapy is Helping

Your Communication Improves

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy sexual relationship. One of the first signs that sex therapy is working is enhanced communication between you and your partner. You'll find it easier to discuss your desires, concerns, and boundaries, leading to a more fulfilling sexual connection.

Your Comfort and Confidence Increases

Sex therapy often involves building self-confidence and self-acceptance. As you progress through therapy, you'll likely notice an increase in your comfort level, which can lead to a more satisfying sex life.

Your Sexual Dysfunction is Resolved

If you sought therapy for issues like erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, or low libido, progress is evident when you see tangible improvements in these areas. The ability to sustain an erection, reduce pain, or experience an increase in sexual desire are all positive indicators.

You Experience Greater Sexual Satisfaction

Ultimately, the goal of sex therapy is to enhance your sexual satisfaction. Positive results are visible when you and your partner report higher levels of fulfillment and enjoyment in your sexual experiences.

Takeaway

Sex therapy is a valuable service for addressing sexual concerns and improving your overall quality of life. Recognizing that sex therapy is working involves improvements in communication, comfort, and sexual satisfaction. If you're experiencing sexual issues or are simply looking to enhance your sexual well-being, don’t hesitate to seek the guidance of a qualified sex therapist. It can be the first step toward a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life.