What Do You Look for in a Therapist?

Finding a therapist is no easy feat. From insurance to personality compatibility to coordinating schedules, searching for the right mental health professional can be understandably overwhelming. This article is meant to guide you through the process, covering how to find the right fit, how to tell if they’re the right fit, and how to measure quality of care.

Where to begin your search

• Word of mouth is a great way to find therapists in your area, especially if the recommendation comes from someone who knows you and your needs well. If you do want to pursue a recommendation from a friend, make sure you check that it’s not a conflict of interest to see the same therapist. 

• If you are insured, a good place to start is your insurance company’s directory of in-network professionals. 

• If you are uninsured or you’re looking for alternative search engine options, here are some alternative places to look for a therapist.

  • Open Path Collective

    1. “Open Path Psychotherapy Collective is a nonprofit nationwide network of mental health professionals dedicated to providing in-office and online mental health care—at a steeply reduced rate—to clients in need.” 

  • Inclusive Therapists

    1. “Seeking therapy can be a vulnerable process. We understand. We aim to make it simpler and safer for people in marginalized communities. Find a culturally responsive, 2SLGBTQ+ affirming therapist that celebrates your full identity” 

  • APA Psychologist Locator

    1. APA is the leading scientific and professional organization representing psychology in the United States, with more than 133,000 researchers, educators, clinicians, consultants, and students as its members.

  • TherapyDen

    1. “We are an online community of mental health professionals seeking to make the experience of finding a therapist easy.” 

  • Therapy For Black Girls

    1. “So often the stigma surrounding mental health issues and therapy prevents Black women from taking the step of seeing a therapist. This space was developed to present mental health topics in a way that feels more accessible and relevant.”

Considerations for your search parameters

• Finding the name of a therapist is one thing, but it’s an entire other thing to find a therapist who works for you and your needs.  

• When you’re considering what might make a therapist a good fit for you, think first of whether or not you have any identity preferences such as gender or race that would allow a therapist to relate to certain experiences. 

• Before meeting with a therapist, try to do initial phone screenings of several options to ask about their specialties, whether they have experience with your specific issues, what structure their sessions usually follow, and any other information that you might need. 

• Logistical factors you may need to take into consideration are location, cost, mutual schedule availability, and the therapist’s availability outside of sessions, such as for emergencies. 

How to tell if they’re the right fit

• You feel comfortable being vulnerable around them (at least relative to others)

•  They have strong, clearly communicated boundaries about their policies and personal life

• You are able to share concerns about the therapeutic relationship and they respond with openness and a desire to problem solve 

• They respect your values and identity 

• They guide you to your goals and coach you to be able to make your own decisions 

• They challenge you in constructive ways. For example, they might ask you to reconsider a self-deprecating statement and work to get to the root of the thought in order to unpack it

Signs that they’re not a good fit

• They judge you or shame you 

• They have no experience with your issue(s)

• They overshare about themselves

• They tell you what to do rather than guiding you to make your own decisions

• You regularly feel worse after your session

It will take some time to find a therapist who works for you and when you’re in need of help, that can be discouraging. Perhaps try asking a trusted friend or family member to aid you in your search and/or ask them to sit with you for moral support while you do it. Once you do find a good therapist, it will be worth it. Simply wanting to seek help is a huge first step so show yourself gratitude for taking the time to read this. If you are seeking therapy for concerns related to sexuality or your relationships, consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to see if our team might be a good fit for you. 

3 Reasons to Seek Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a therapeutic niche that addresses a wide range of sexuality-related concerns. Sexuality is a central part of being human so it makes sense that there is a need for professionals to guide us through issues pertaining to such a personal and important subject. Even the most knowledgable people about sexuality and relationships can benefit from having a neutral third party to work through internalized biases and judgments, relationship issues, sexual and gender identity, and more. Here are some reasons why you may seek a sex therapist:

You’re processing sexual trauma

Did you know that every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted? Sexual assault is probably the first thing that comes to mind when you think of sexual trauma and while sexual trauma does include assault, it encapsulates more than that. It also includes issues such as chronic objectification and sexual shaming, sexual harassment like being catcalled, and both physical and emotional incest. These are complex, damaging traumas that left untreated can lead to depression and anxiety, among other issues. Sex therapists can help you work through your sexual trauma and any associated issues.

You’re unsatisfied with the state of your sex life and/or relationship as a whole

Sex therapy is a great resource for both individuals and people in a relationship working through sex and relationship issues. Humans are imperfect and therefore so are our relationships. Sometimes relationship and/or sex life tension start feeling insurmountable, which is where a sex therapist comes in. They can help individuals identify their wants and needs and work through sexual dissatisfaction. For people in relationships seeking treatment together, a therapist can mediate a discussion where all partners can have a say and be heard, facilitating a hopefully effective and kind dialogue.

You have difficulty achieving orgasm or arousal

There is nothing wrong with struggling to achieve orgasm or arousal. That being said, if it bothers you, you might consider seeking out a sex therapist after identifying or ruling out any physical causes. A therapist can help you pinpoint the source of the difficulty and work through it with you. Even if you are unable to “fix” the issue, a good therapist can hopefully help you find ways to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life.

These are just a few examples of what sex therapy can be helpful for. If you’re unsure if sex therapy is right for you or where to start, reach out to ESW team to see if we may be a fit for you.

4 Ways We Blame Ourselves for Our Sexuality

The topic of sexuality is complex and shrouded in shame, fueled by a complete lack of comprehensive sex education in the United States. This leaves many of us struggling to understand our own sexuality independently which can be messy and frustrating. Furthermore, experiencing sexual shame on an independent level means it’s difficult to internalize that you aren’t the only one struggling with a certain issue. The first step to unlearning this shame is by acknowledging that it exists and then you can begin to unpack it. Let’s address some common sources of sexual shame together.

Not being able to achieve orgasm in a specific way or at all

This is more commonly spoken about as an issue that women struggle with (an estimated 10-15% of women experience orgasmic dysfunction) but anyone can experience difficulty attaining orgasm. There are many potential roots of the problem including, but not limited to sexual trauma, age, hormones, mental and chronic illness, and certain medications. Whether or not there is a clear root of the problem, there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing difficulty attaining orgasm. Societal expectations and misinformation is the source of the shame, your body is not inherently shameful and you did not do anything “wrong” to “deserve” this. Most important to remember, you do not need to be able to orgasm in order to enjoy sex and masturbation.

Not being interested in intercourse, but interested in other sexual/sensual activities

Heteronormative expectations of sex center around penetrative sex; it is posited as the goal of sex. Unfortunately, this is exclusionary to many people like queer people, people who experience sexual dysfunction, or just anyone who does not derive pleasure from penetrative sex. Aside from being exclusionary, it’s limiting for everyone who has internalized that expectation. Once we are able to unlearn heteronormative expectations of sex (easier said than done!), so many doors open in terms of sexual possibility. Intercourse is just one of many ways to enjoy sex and it is not the sole “right” way to have sex.

Having responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire

Generally speaking there are two main types of how people experience a desire to have sex. Responsive desire means someone often needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire while spontaneous desire means someone often feels mental desire before physical arousal. Mainstream media and societal expectations posit spontaneous desire as the “norm,” leaving those with responsive desire to feel like something is wrong with them. Neither is superior, they are simply different. If you are struggling with your desire type being compatible with your partner(s), check out this Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post on desire discrepancy.

Experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain

Similarly to orgasmic dysfunction, it’s hard not to feel “broken” for experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain, especially if it prohibits you from having the kind of sex you want to have. It makes sense to grieve the fact that your body cannot do something that you wish that it could. At the same time, it’s integral to remember that you still deserve to have enjoyable sex and that it is still possible, even if that means it won’t look the way you expected.

The source of the shame related to the reasons above is because of the limiting societal expectations and beliefs about sex. The problem does not lie in the individual, but in the inaccurate and exclusionary ways we learn and talk about sex. You are not alone in your challenges. If you find yourself struggling to address your sexual shame alone, consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness and one of our sexuality professionals will happily help guide you through it.