3 Ways to Queer Your Relationship

Whether you’re aware of it or not, societal expectations and social systems of oppression, like white supremacy, capitalism, patriarchy, laws, and more heavily influence how we form relationships. For instance, the rise of the isolated nuclear family (two parents and their children living together) as opposed to interconnected extended families was prompted following the Great Depression and World War I. This was due in part to the fact that it allowed for the proliferation of generational wealth - to the disadvantage of the working class. This is one example of many that illustrates how social institutions (in this case, capitalism) have shaped modern relationship norms. Unfortunately, this limits people from achieving their most fulfilling relationship dynamic. It’s never too late to start unlearning toxic societal ideals though!

“Queering” is difficult to define because the nature of queerness is ambiguous. It started as a method of media analysis that utilizes queer theory to reinterpret and challenge heteronormativity and gender roles in popular media. More broadly, it refers to challenging the societal norms and institutions that oppress anyone who dares to exist in opposition to them. That’s still a bit nebulous so let’s talk about what the “queering” of a relationship tangibly looks like: 

Let go of heteronormative ideas of how relationships function

Heteronormativity is “the assumption that heterosexuality is the standard for defining normal sexual behavior and that male-female differences and gender roles are the natural and immutable essentials in normal human relations.” To be clear, challenging heteronormativity does not mean invalidating heterosexuality but rather the toxic assumption that heterosexuality is the only valid way to exist. Rejecting heteronormativity in your relationship might look like confronting your assumptions about sexuality in general; intentionally evaluating whether the heteronormative version of “normal relationships” is right for you in. Heteronormativity is strict in its expectation that the only valid romantic relationships exist between a cisgender, heterosexual man and woman in a monogamous relationship. Unsurprisingly, this script does not suit as many people as it claims to but because it is ingrained as the “default” option, many people simply don’t even realize there are alternatives to be considered. If you haven’t already done soul searching surrounding your own desires in terms of your sexuality and your preferences for monogamy or non-monogamy, that is an important first step.

Let go of binary gender roles

Binary gender roles are a byproduct of heteronormativity in which all people are classified as one of two genders, male or female, typically decided based on the appearance of genitalia at birth. This is a rigid understanding of the concepts of sex and gender which attempts to pigeonhole people based on arbitrary assumptions pertaining to one’s gender. An example of how gender roles manifest is the assumption that women will want to be homemakers and men will be breadwinners. Unlearning these ingrained ideas about gender essentialism is no easy task. It involves reconsidering everything we have been told is “normal.” It’s worthwhile to sit down with your partner(s) and evaluate how gender roles manifest in your relationship; do you make assumptions about one another’s preferences based on their gender? Does everyone feel safe to express their gender identity authentically around one another? Do you surround your relationship with people who help you outgrow the limitations of the gender binary?

Intentionally create a relationship that fulfills the needs of all involved

Here are some questions to consider with your partner(s): 

• Is everyone involved in the relationship satisfied with its status regarding monogamy? Would it benefit the relationship to consider alternative structures like a form of non-monogamy?

• If anyone in the relationship is queer, do they feel validated in their identity within the relationship?

• Do you prioritize your romantic relationship(s) over platonic ones? If so, why, and does that serve you?  

Queerness, and queering, are very nuanced concepts that cannot be done full justice in a singular blog post. You might consider speaking to a therapist at Embrace Sexual Wellness if you’re struggling to get started with queering your relationship. If you’re interested in learning more on your own, here are some resources:

• Queer Relationships Zine

• The Joys of Queering Your Relationships

• Queering Relationships: Toward a Paradigmatic Shift

• Queering Gender, Queering Relationships

• How To "Queer" A Heterosexual Relationship

• My Queer Friendships Taught Me How to Love

• queering heterosexuality | The Anarchist Library

• Queering Relationships: Aromantic and Asexual Perspectives

• Queering Marriage: The Homoradical and Anti-Normativity

• Queering Marriage | Rutgers University Press

• Queering Relationships

• Queering intimacies, families and companionships 

3 Ways Chronic Illness Affects Sexual Wellness (and How to Address It)

Chronic illnesses like cancer and immune diseases can interfere with sexual wellness and might diminish one’s capacity to enjoy sex. Various factors play into this with more obvious ones like chronic pain in addition to the not-so-obvious ones like the emotional strain of chronic illness and lack of body confidence. Being chronically ill doesn’t have to be a sex life death sentence though. 

Managing a sex life while chronically ill is not an easy task, but progress in the medical field, especially sexology and sex therapy, means that there are more resources than ever to help you along your journey of sexual discovery. Instead of aiming advice at specific illnesses, this article will instead be structured around addressing the symptoms that get in the way of a fulfilling sex life.

Pain Flare Ups

Pain is the most obvious sex deterrent associated with chronic illness. Regardless of where it is, pain is distracting and draining, neither of which is ideal for enjoying intimacy. Aside from general pain management like medication and physical therapy, some ways to adapt your sex life are to use supportive pillows, choose comfortable sex positions, and experiment with assistive devices.

Body Confidence Issues

Depending on the chronic illness, you may struggle with body image issues in addition to the symptoms directly associated with the condition. Poor body image often feeds into a low sex drive and causes distress on both counts. This Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post talks about feeling at home in your body as a queer person, but the general principles are a solid place to start when addressing body confidence issues. If you’re feeling alone in this struggle, check out this article with stories from people who have struggled with body confidence due to chronic illness.

Communication and the Importance of Utilizing Resources

Perhaps the single most part of making this equation work is having an understanding partner who you can communicate comfortably with. This is important for anyone but especially when you may have to navigate specific health-related needs, it is imperative that you do that with someone who feels safe.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t have to be alone on this journey. Professionals like the sex therapists at Embrace Sexual Wellness are amazing resources for navigating the complicated relationship between illness and sexual wellness. 

All of this information might be overwhelming and that’s okay. The only timeline you need to stick to is the one that serves you best. There is no rush to figure anything out and if you are feeling pressured by others to figure it out faster, you may want to reevaluate those relationships. Chronic illness comes with a multitude of unique challenges but luckily you don’t have to navigate them alone. Not sure where to start? We’d be happy to help you get started! You can contact Embrace Sexual Wellness here.   

4 Ways to Feel at Home in Your Body as a Queer Person

It’s no secret that navigating the world as a queer person can be a messy, challenging process. Systems of oppression such as homophobia, fatphobia, racism, transphobia, and misogyny, among others, constantly tell marginalized people that their existence is incorrect, not least of all their physical form. Additionally, capitalism thrives on solving issues that it convinces you that you have. With all of this combined, it’s even tougher for queer people than most to feel at home in their bodies. This is in no way the fault of the individual, and yet the individual is the only one who can ultimately change the reality of their attitude. That’s not to downplay the difficulty of the task and hopefully this article can help guide you as you endeavor to feel more at peace in your own skin. 

Surround yourself with supportive people (and media) 

Your environment, both in person and online, directly affects your mental wellbeing. If you spend every day around people or following people on social media who espouse hateful rhetoric that makes you feel worse about yourself, that is not someone who should be part of your life if you have the choice. Of course, it might not always be a choice, such as if you still live with/depend on someone who makes you feel worse about your body. In that instance, try to spend as much time as possible with people who are a positive influence, whether that means finding them through an activity of mutual interest for example or perhaps

Intentionally connect with your body through meditation

Meditation and physical activity both require an intentional awareness of the body which can, in turn, make you feel more in control and more in tune with your body. A popular meditative practice is a body scan meditation. Insight Timer has an LGBTQ+ specific 5 minute body scan meditation.  

Start with body neutrality instead of body positivity 

There’s no one correct way to exist in your body. Body positivity works for some people and that’s great; for others, though, it’s a daunting prospect to go from body dysmorphia or hatred to the polar opposite. Body neutrality is a “philosophy of embodiment that sought to shift focus away from how our bodies look and toward how they can make us feel good.” In other words, instead of focusing on loving our physical form as opposed to hating it, the focus is shifted away from aesthetics entirely and towards the amazing things your body allows you to do.

Work on somatic/embodiment therapy with a queer affirming provider 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by trying to improve your relationship with your body, you might consider seeking out somatic therapy under the guidance of a queer affirming provider. Somatic therapy is “a form of body-centered therapy that looks at the connection of mind and body… In addition to talk therapy, somatic therapy practitioners use… physical techniques to help release the pent-up tension that negatively affects a patient’s physical and emotional wellbeing.” This type of therapy can take many different forms so it might take some searching to find the right therapist for you. For guidance on finding a specifically queer affirming provider, check out this article.

Journeying to feel at home in your body is no easy task and you should take a moment to appreciate yourself and the hard work that you’re doing. This journey has no final destination and will likely last a lifetime but with the right community and tools, finding bodily peace is not beyond reach.