Things to Know If Your Partner Is Asexual (And You Aren’t)

Asexuality is often a misunderstood sexual orientation. An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction. This does not necessarily mean they do not have sex or do not want a romantic relationship. Asexuality is a spectrum, so some asexual people still have sex for reasons other than attraction, such as enjoying the attention, while others are sex averse and do not want to engage in any form of sex. Distinct from asexuality, aromantic people do not experience romantic attraction or desire. Sometimes asexual people are also aromantic, but not always. Asexual people who do want a romantic relationship may be wary of becoming involved with an allosexual (someone who does experience sexual attraction) due to the mismatch in sexual needs. This article will discuss how to make a mixed-orientation relationship work, because it is possible! 

How to make a relationship work if your partner is asexual (and you aren’t)

Seek mutual understanding

When there is a discrepancy in wants, needs, and experiences between partners, it is important to have an open and honest dialogue about each others’ experiences. For the allosexual partner, understand that asexuality is not a personal jab, nor a choice. For the asexual partner, understand that whether or not sex is an important facet of feeling fulfilled for you, it may be for your partner. Just because someone is asexual does not mean that they never have sex. Being on the same page regarding willingness to have sex is important. If they do not want sex at all though, there are still ways to work with that.  

Address unmet needs

Finding alternative ways to meet needs for intimacy and affection will look different in every relationship dynamic so do not be afraid to experiment. Some options are cuddling, making out, and sensual massages as alternative physical intimacy activities. Additionally, prioritizing activities that both partners find fulfilling outside physical intimacy can strengthen the emotional bond and intimacy. Another option is to consider opening up the relationship. If one partner wants more sex than the other, that need can be outsourced so everyone’s boundaries and needs are being respected. However, non-monogamy is not for everyone so make sure you do your research and talk about the pros and cons before diving in. That being said, for some, it is a way to honor each partner’s needs while preserving the relationship. In any relationship, it is crucial to address unmet needs to avoid resentment or incompatibility which starts with clear communication. This does not always come naturally to everyone and if this is the case, sex therapy can help.  

Try sex therapy

Sex therapy is a valuable resource for mixed-orientation relationships. Sex therapists are professionally trained to help people navigate sexual concerns and improve communication, which is exactly what this sort of situation requires. In sex therapy, partners can explore alternative forms of physical intimacy and develop strategies for addressing sexual discrepancies in a supportive environment. Sex therapists can also provide education about asexuality and help partners understand one another’s perspectives more deeply.

Takeaway

Mixed-orientation relationships are absolutely possible to navigate with patience, understanding, and open communication. Asexuality, as a spectrum, encompasses a variety of experiences and it is essential for both partners to respect and validate each others’ identities and needs. By communicating, addressing unmet needs, and considering sex therapy, the relationship has the best odds of honoring everyone’s needs.  

Additional Resources

• Relationship FAQ | The Asexual Visibility and Education Network 

• What Does It Mean to Be Asexual? 

• 14 Things to Know About Dating as an Asexual Person 

• What Is Asexuality: Myths and Truths About Being Asexual 

• Is Asexuality Even Real? | YouTube

• Understanding the Asexual Community | Human Rights Campaign 

• Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown 

• Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

• Is A Relationship Just Friendship With Sex? 

• Being Ace: An Anthology of Queer, Trans, Femme, and Disabled Stories of Asexual Love and Connection by Madeline Dyer  

How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

Practical Tips for Learning What You Like in Bed

Read and watch erotica

“Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

• Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

• Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

• How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

• Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

• Do you like dirty talk?

• Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

• How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

• How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

• What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

• Do you want to be penetrated?

• What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

Exploring Clitoral Stimulation: How to Have an Orgasm

The clitoris is the only part of human anatomy made solely for pleasure. The clitoris has not been given an appropriate amount of time and attention by researchers, doctors, and society at large to be understood well. This effect trickles down into everyday interpersonal interactions, leading to people both with and without clitorises struggling to understand how to interact with it in a pleasurable way, to use it for its sole purpose! With a lack of comprehensive, accurate information available about the clitoris and how to derive pleasure from it, trying to please someone with a clitoris, either yourself or a partner’s, might seem like a daunting task without so much as a roadmap. This article will serve as a guide to the clitoris and how to figure out what feels good for you.

What is the clitoris?

The part of the vulva that most people think of as the clitoris is actually the clitoral glans, just the tip of the iceberg - and the tip of the entire clitoral structure. The clitoral glans is actually the external tip of an internal structure back and down both sides of the vagina, a shape closely resembling a wishbone. The glans is located where the top of the inner labia meet at the crest of the vulva. The labia form a small hood that covers the glans (to different degrees depending on the person) called the clitoral hood. 

The glans comes in many sizes and shapes and since it is the external part of the clitoris, it is the primary (but not sole!) focus of sexual stimulation. When aroused, the clitoris becomes engorged with blood and more sensitive, and often this exposes the glans more. One study estimated that the glans contains, on average, 10,000+ nerve endings which is more than any other single part of the human body! That means the clitoris also contains a lot of potential for pleasure.        

How to Stimulate the Clitoris

Each person’s anatomy, sexual history, trauma, and medical history are unique to them. This means what feels good to one person might not work for another person. That is why it is important to understand different types of stimulation. 

Two categories for stimulation include “broad” and “pinpoint”. Broad stimulation may include grinding against a pillow or or rubbing a hand against the glans, encapsulating more than just the glans in the process. Pinpoint stimulation is more focused on the glans or clitoral hood directly, like tapping the glans or rubbing it with a finger. 

Let’s explore some specific types of clitoral stimulation…

Rubbing: This can be up and down or back and forth with your hand, a finger, a sex toy, or creative accessory like beads.  

Tapping: This entails repeated light blows, usually with a finger, on the glans and hood, as slow or fast as feels good. 

Grinding: This means rubbing your genitals against an object such as a pillow, a partner’s thigh, or a sex toy.      

Orbiting: This is when you use a finger or toy to circle on or around the clitoral glans and hood.

Pulling: This technique is particularly effective with a larger glans, where you use the pads of your pointer finger and thumb to clasp the glans and pull on it back and forth.

Experimenting with toys: Sex toys are an excellent tool to have on hand, especially for clitoral stimulation. The first vibrator was invented in the early 1880s, originally for muscle aches, but quickly people discovered how it might be used elsewhere. These days, there are a variety of options of vibrators and non-vibrating clitoral sex toys. Common categories are wand vibrators, suction vibrators, bullet vibrators, palm vibrators, finger vibrators, remote control vibrators, and grinding accessories!      

Internal Stimulation: Also known as vaginal stimulation, internal clitoral stimulation involves penetrating the vagina. Since the clitoris is a larger structure that extends beyond the glans, it is possible to stimulate it through vaginal penetration. The classic way to do this is to make a “come hither” motion to stimulate the top of the vaginal canal with a few fingers.

It will likely take trial and error to figure out what feels best for any given person with a clitoris. If you have a clitoris and you want a sexual partner to pleasure it, it is wise to first figure out for yourself what feels good. Without being able to guide them, it will take much longer to derive pleasure from a partner’s touch. 

Takeaway

Finally, it is important to keep in mind that orgasms are not necessarily the be-all-end-all of sexual pleasure. There are a variety of reasons that someone may not be experiencing an orgasm during solo or partnered sex. Pleasuring the clitoris is one part of the puzzle for orgasming, which often needs to be paired with other puzzle pieces like foreplay, feeling safe and comfortable, and other factors in order to result in orgasm. Even then, it may not happen and that is okay. Having sex without an orgasm does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. However, if you are concerned about having an orgasm, consider consulting a sexuality professional like a sexual medicine physician or sex therapist.