What to Do for Valentine's Day When You're Seeing Someone New

Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love and affection which is great for people in love but when you are in a newly established relationship or situationship, it is tricky to know how to navigate this day. You may want to acknowledge it or do something special but want to avoid overwhelming your partner. Do you buy a Valentine’s Day gift for a new partner? Plan a romantic evening out? Or ignore Valentine’s Day altogether? The answer will vary from relationship to relationship, and there is no “right” answer. This article will discuss general tips for how to celebrate Valentine’s Day in a new relationship to get you started. 

Valentine’s Day Tips for New Relationships

Communicate expectations and desires clearly

Open communication is the ultimate key to success in relationships at any stage. Misaligned expectations, especially when they go unspoken, are a recipe for tension. You can start by expressing how you would like to celebrate, reflecting your openness to your partner’s thoughts, and that you would like to determine a plan that is comfortable for each person involved. If you find yourselves on opposing sides and cannot find a middle ground, be willing to find alternative solutions that work with your priorities. For example, if you want to celebrate with your partner because you love Valentine’s Day festivities, you could approach it by celebrating with friends instead. If you want to celebrate because you want to spend time with your partner, you could spend time with them on Valentine’s Day without indulging in the traditional activities.        

Keep it small but meaningful

Extravagant gestures and gifts are not the only way to celebrate Valentine’s Day and may put unnecessary pressure on the relationship. If everyone in the relationship does want something extravagant, that is great! However, it is more likely that you will want to keep it small. Perhaps instead of going out to a fancy dinner, you can cook dinner together at home. Instead of expensive gifts, you can exchange chocolates or flowers. When determining what kind of celebration would feel most valuable, think about what each person wants out of the celebration. Whether that means gift-giving, quality time together, or physical affection, honing in on what is important to you is crucial in personalizing your celebration.     

Celebrate with friends

If you love celebrating Valentine’s Day but your partner is uncomfortable or disinterested, think beyond celebrating romantic love and get together with friends. You can still spend quality time together, exchange cards, go out to a nice dinner, celebrate your bonds, and eat candy. The traditional festivities do not have to be exclusive to romance. 

TLDR

It is tempting to get swept up in the generic tropes of what Valentine’s Day “should” look like. The best plan will be the one that accommodates each person’s values and priorities. By maintaining open communication and considering each person’s preferences, you can plan a special day that's memorable and meaningful without overwhelming them. If it’s a newer relationship or situationship, focus on getting to know each other better and nurturing your connection in whatever way feels right for you.

How to cope after a miscarriage: A guide for partners

Having a miscarriage can be devastating in a way that is often lonely. In the wake of a miscarriage, it is common to feel disconnected from your partner and even from yourself. The emotional healing process is unique for each individual and couple. Everyone experiences grief differently, but whatever feelings you are grappling with, they are valid. It takes time to heal from such a loss, but there are ways you can care for yourself and your relationship that can make it a little more manageable. In this article, we will discuss how to heal after a miscarriage, ways to cope with associated relationship stressors, and how to reconnect with your partner.

Managing Grief 

It is normal to experience a rollercoaster of emotions following a miscarriage. You might experience sadness, numbness, anger, guilt, and shock. It can be uncomfortable to sit with these feelings, but the only way to get through it is to experience it. On top of that, physical changes and volatile hormones complicate the experience of the formerly pregnant person even further. However, all partners in the relationship, regardless of whether or not they were pregnant, will likely experience some form of grief. There is no universal experience of grief, and therefore no universal way to cope. Here are some tips as you figure out how to best process your grief.

Resist the urge to isolate

Sometimes depression makes people want to isolate themselves from their community. While it is certainly easier said than done to resist depression-fueled urges, it is important to make your best effor to stay connected to loved ones. If it is too hard to initiate social contact, consider asking friends and family to check on you regularly and to be more mindful of making consistent plans with you.   

Accept support 

If at all possible, do not rush back into your typical life, especially if you are still physically healing. Productive rest and healing is more possible when you allow yourself to be cared for. While it makes sense that this may be uncomfortable or make you feel guilty, the people who love you want to be helpful. There is not much they can say or do to lighten your emotional load, but accepting their help with practical tasks will allow you more time and energy to process your emotions.  

Seek professional help

Grief and depression are powerful forces, and even if you do everything “right” to cope, it might still feel insurmountable. In these instances, you need to seek professional help, in the form of a moderated support group and/or a therapist. 

How to reconnect with a partner after miscarriage

Since grieving is different for each person, it can lead to potential relationship stressors. For example, one partner might want to process externally by talking about their feelings, while the other finds talking about it more distressing than productive. It is common to feel disconnected from your partner in the aftermath, but there are ways you can try to reconnect. Try not to make any permanent decisions about the relationship dynamic during this time, as grief and depression can distort your true feelings. Here are some ways to reconnect: 

Communicate your feelings

Though it can be uncomfortable to talk about such challenging emotions, it is important to be transparent with each other about what you are experiencing and what you need to facilitate your healing process. Even if you feel unable to express the full extent of your emotions, any communication you can manage is better than none at all. A lack of communication creates emotional distance in a relationship; this is not a you versus your partner(s) circumstance, it is you and your partner against the grief. Try to keep this in mind and practice empathy towards your partner’s experience even if it differs from your own.      

Seek counseling

Couples therapy offers a safe space to express and process your emotions. Strong emotions might cloud your ability to express yourself productively and a therapist can help you find mutual understanding more easily. 

Schedule quality time

During a stressful time, it is more important than ever to be intentional about spending time together to maintain your connection. This does not need to be anything fancy or elaborate but ideally it should be a shared positive experience. Accumulating positive experiences is a powerful tool for creating a buffer against your negative emotions.

Getting Pregnant Again

The good news is that 85% of people who experience pregnancy loss go on to have healthy pregnancies if they choose to try again. If you want to try to conceive again, try to hold off until everyone in the relationship is at a point in their healing journey where they feel ready to do so. Medically speaking, it is best to wait until you have physically and emotionally recovered to embark on a new pregnancy. Physically, some people may be ready to get pregnant as soon as two weeks following a miscarriage, but that will heavily depend on your body and how it is healing, as well as any procedures that may have accompanied the miscarriage. Consult your doctor for the most accurate, personalized advice for when you should try to get pregnant again. 

What if I feel anxious about trying again?

It is natural and expected to feel anxious or scared when you are trying to get pregnant and when you do get pregnant after a miscarriage. This might make enjoying your pregnancy difficult. Consider talking to your partner and/or other trusted loved ones so you do not have to carry the weight of the anxiety alone. You can also speak to your doctor about how to maximize your chances of a successful pregnancy which may serve to alleviate some anxiety as well. 

Takeaway

In the wake of a miscarriage, the emotional toll can be overwhelming. Grief is a natural response to pregnancy loss, and it can manifest in myriad ways. It is crucial to acknowledge and experience these feelings, though they can be uncomfortable to sit with. Healing after a miscarriage takes time and patience. If you are unsure of the best way to process your emotions, seek professional support and extra care from your support network.

Common Myths and Misconceptions About BDSM: Debunked

BDSM has become more mainstream in the past decade but it is often misrepresented and demonized. From Fifty Shades of Grey misrepresenting proper BDSM practices to crime shows like Criminal Minds using BDSM to indicate a villainous character, there is no shortage of misinformation about BDSM. There is nothing immoral about BDSM and it is a healthy sex practice when practiced consensually and responsibly. This article will address common myths and misconceptions about BDSM and provide tips for healthy BDSM practices. 

Common Misconceptions About BDSM

BDSM is a fringe culture

BDSM is stigmatized because many people assume that few people engage in it. In fact, BDSM is more widespread than one might think. The popularity of media like Fifty Shades of Grey demonstrates how many people are interested in fantasy and BDSM even if they do not practice it. Similar to many sexual behaviors, it is difficult to pin down exact prevalence due to varying definitions and sampling biases. According to a 2023 review of sixty BDSM studies, an average of 20-30% of participants reported engaging in BDSM. Several studies found that at least 20% of participants practiced BDSM. The research is clear that BDSM is not a fringe culture.   

BDSM is always inherently sexual

Though BDSM is most often associated with sex, there are many reasons (including non-sexual ones) why people choose to practice it. A few common draws to BDSM beyond sexual arousal are momentary escapism, exhilaration akin to that from rollercoasters, or a wish to broaden their experiential horizons. BDSM encompasses such a wide-ranging group of activities and that there are many reasons it is appealing, and not all of them are sexual.   

BDSM is abusive and emotionally damaging

It makes sense that people unfamiliar with BDSM would think that it is abusive and traumatic. There are few contexts in which hitting someone, for instance, is not abusive. Abuse is when someone gains and maintains power over another, while BDSM hinges on a consensual power exchange. Abuse does not involve mutual consent or rules, whereas BDSM does. However, in a context where limits are respected, communication and consent are explicit, and safety precautions are taken, BDSM is not an inherently abusive practice. Of course, there are instances where harm occurs but that can happen in any kind of sexual or otherwise vulnerable context. Non-sexual activities like skydiving or even driving carry their own risks too; it is up to individuals to decide how much risk they can tolerate, just like with sexual activities. When practiced consensually, BDSM does not imply or perpetuate abuse.     

What should you know before trying BDSM for the first time?

If you want to try out BDSM, it ​​is vital to educate yourself about safety precautions and communication beforehand. There is no such thing as risk free sex with or without BDSM, and BDSM practices sometimes add additional risk. The best way to mitigate risk is to prioritize consent and communication, use appropriate props (e.g., body safe cutting shears to cut rope in an emergency instead of sharp scissors), and sanitize props effectively.  Want to learn more about BDSM? Explore these resources:

• Kink + Safety: What You Need to Know: An overview of key safety concepts such as hard and soft limits and safe words

• BDSM 101: A thorough, yet general introduction to BDSM, practical application, different types of BDSM relationships, and safety tips

• What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types and Roles, Safety Rules, and More: A scientific, health-oriented perspective on the psychology of BDSM

• The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book: A series of two books covering the “how-to” and “why-to” of BDSM and ethical interactions  

• As Kinky As You Wanna Be: A book for familiarizing you with BDSM culture, language, practices, and techniques 

• First Aid and Kink: A guide on how to prepare first aid and safety practices for BDSM            

Takeaway

The internet and media are rife with misinformation about BDSM, leading people who are unfamiliar with it to a great deal of misunderstanding. Fortunately, there are many resources that provide accurate information such as the ones mentioned above. Even if you do not want to engage in BDSM, it is important to be accurately informed about it so you do not needlessly judge others. If you are curious about trying BDSM and feel uncertain about how to begin safely, consider reaching out to a sex therapist to discuss your interests and any concerns.