What to Know Before Sharing Sexual Fantasies With a Partner

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. They can be exciting, fulfilling, and even play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. However, sharing your fantasies with a partner can be a delicate matter. In this blog, we will explore the intricacies of sharing fantasies, addressing the questions of whether you should tell your partner about your fantasies, the best ways to open up to your partner, and how to deal with obsessive sexual thoughts. We'll also emphasize the importance of understanding that fantasies are not necessarily a reflection of unmet sexual needs or dissatisfaction.

Fantasy Is Not Reality

Before we dive into the details of sharing fantasies, it's essential to understand that what makes a fantasy a fantasy is precisely that it is not reality. Fantasies are products of our imagination, shaped by desires, curiosities, and the freedom to explore scenarios that may never come to fruition in our daily lives. Some are even impossible to play out in real life. Importantly, fantasies do not inherently indicate any deficiencies in our sexual relationships or unfulfilled needs. Embracing this concept can alleviate any anxieties you may have about sharing your fantasies and help you appreciate them as a unique aspect of your sexuality.

Should I Tell My Partner About My Fantasy?

The decision to share your fantasies with your partner is a personal one and depends on various factors including your level of comfort, trust, and the nature of your relationship. Here are some tips to help you decide:

Assess Trust and Communication Strength 

A strong foundation of trust and open communication is vital in any relationship. If you feel safe and secure with your partner, sharing your fantasies can enhance intimacy and deepen your connection.

Engage in Mutual Exploration

Sharing fantasies can be an exciting way to explore each other's desires and deepen your sexual connection. It can lead to discovering shared interests and preferences, which can improve your overall sexual satisfaction.

Respect One Another’s Boundaries

It's crucial to respect your partner's boundaries. Not everyone is comfortable hearing about explicit fantasies, so approach the conversation with sensitivity. Gauge their reaction and be prepared to stop or adjust the conversation if they seem uncomfortable.

Center Consent

Always ensure that any fantasies you wish to explore involve consensual activities. Consent is paramount in any sexual exploration, so that all partners can feel comfortable and enthusiastic about trying new things.

How do I Share my Fantasies with my Partner?

Sharing your fantasies with your partner can be a fulfilling experience if done with care and consideration. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to approach this conversation.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place.

Find a quiet, private setting where both you and your partner can feel relaxed and comfortable. Timing matters too. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during arguments or stressful moments. During these moments, you or your partner may be emotionally flooded and find it difficult to navigate the topic in a way that feels good to both of you.

2. Express Your Desires Clearly.

Clearly and honestly communicate your fantasies. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and desires without placing blame or pressure on your partner. Remember that the point of this is to share your desires, not to project guilt onto your partner for not meeting these previously uncommunicated needs. If your partner feels blame and pressure coming from you, it could work against your hopes for being understood and may inhibit future conversations.

3. Listen Actively.

Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings about your fantasies. Active listening fosters understanding and empathy, making it easier to find common ground.

4. Stay Open to Feedback.

Your partner may have their own fantasies, ideas, or reactions. Be receptive to their input and consider how you can mutually explore new experiences together. It can be vulnerable to share your innermost sexual desires. If they respond by sharing their own desires, be prepared to respond to them in a way that you would hope they respond to you. Curiosity keeps doors open, judgment and reactivity tend to close them.

5. Take It Slow.

Don't rush into acting on your fantasies. Take your time to build trust and ensure both you and your partner are comfortable with any new experiences.

How Do I Address Obsessive Thoughts About Fantasies?

While fantasies are a healthy part of human sexuality, they can sometimes become obsessive or intrusive. Here are some strategies to manage obsessive thoughts about your fantasies:

Self-Reflect

Take some time to reflect on the nature of your fantasies. Are they causing distress or interfering with your daily life? Are they getting in the way of completing work or other day-to-day functioning? Understanding your own feelings and their impact on your functioning can be the first step in addressing obsessive thoughts.

Seek Professional Help

If obsessive thoughts about your fantasies are causing you significant distress or affecting your mental health, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.

Communicate Clearly

If you feel comfortable, discuss your obsessive thoughts with your partner. They may offer emotional support and understanding, helping you alleviate any concerns.

Engage in Mindfulness or Distraction

Engaging in mindfulness techniques or distracting activities when obsessive thoughts arise can be effective in managing them. Redirect your focus to the present moment or immerse yourself in a different activity.

Takeaway

Sharing fantasies with your partner can be a rewarding journey that deepens your intimacy and connection. Approach the conversation with sensitivity and prioritize open communication. The beauty of fantasy lies in its divergence from reality. Remember that your fantasies are a part of your individuality, not a reflection of any inadequacies in your relationship. By sharing your fantasies, you may discover new dimensions to your intimacy and embark on exciting adventures together. 

Postpartum Pelvic Pain: What You Need to Know

Giving birth takes a huge toll on the body, especially the pelvis. This means that giving birth has the potential to cause postpartum pelvic pain. The pelvis is the ring of bones at the bottom of your spine, which functions to stabilize muscles and protect organs.

When you have your hands full with a newborn, pain is the last thing you want to be dealing with, but it is a relatively common part of the postpartum healing process. The first six weeks postpartum are considered your “recovery period,” but everyone’s body heals at a different pace. It is normal for your body to need time to heal but you can proactively address pelvic pain instead of trying to wait it out. In this article, we will explore tips for preventing postpartum pelvic pain, potential causes, and how to manage pain when it emerges.

Symptoms of Postpartum Pelvic Pain

Some of the symptoms related to pelvic pain after childbirth are persistent pain in the pelvic area, hips, lower back, or pubic bone; difficulty walking or standing; and urinary or bowel issues. Factors such as type of delivery, the presence of complications, and the strength of the pelvis before childbirth will all influence which symptoms you experience. There are multiple possibilities for causes of pelvic pain, so a medical professional can help determine which one is contributing to your symptoms. The following section describes a few of the potential causes. 

Causes of Postpartum Pelvic Pain

Changes in the Pelvic Floor

Pregnancy and childbirth stretch and weaken pelvic floor muscles, which are connective tissues supporting pelvic organs like the bladder, rectum, and uterus. They serve to stabilize the spine and assist with continence. 

Pelvic Girdle Pain/Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction

Pelvic Girdle Pain (also known as Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) happens when the ligaments that keep your pelvic bone aligned are too relaxed due to the hormone relaxin. While your body is supposed to produce relaxin before birth to allow for the baby to pass through, sometimes it produces too much, meaning your pelvic bones do not have the appropriate support and in turn, cause pain afterwards.  

Trauma from a vaginal delivery

There is, unfortunately, an association between vaginal delivery and ensuing urinary incontinence and pelvic organ prolapse. Pushing out a baby puts strain on the pelvic floor and weakens those muscles, leading to postpartum pelvic pain.

How to Prevent Postpartum Pelvic Pain

If you have yet to give birth, there are steps you can take to prevent or mitigate pelvic pain both during pregnancy and postpartum. These tips are not guaranteed to help you avoid pelvic pain altogether, but they may decrease the odds of experiencing it, or at least decrease the intensity of the pain you experience.   

Exercise your pelvic floor

Since pelvic pain is in part due to a weakened pelvic floor, working on strength building both before and after giving birth helps with postpartum recovery. Everyone’s body and postpartum challenges are unique to them, so it is best to do these under the guidance of a professional pelvic floor physical therapist. If that is not accessible to you, there are plenty of resources online that demonstrate some of these exercises. It is important to be aware of your body’s limitations and to stop if you experience an inordinate amount of discomfort or pain.      

Maintaining good posture

Though good posture is challenging to maintain when you have the weight of a pregnant belly pulling down, it will alleviate strain on the pelvic area. Good posture is also important postpartum, especially since early parenthood involves lots of lifting and bending.  

Move gently interspersed with rest

Staying active during pregnancy is vital to prepare your body for the strenuous nature of labor. Gentle forms of exercise like walking and stretching promote flexibility and blood flow without putting too much strain on the body. Equally important as exercise is to rest and avoid overexertion.

Wear comfortable footwear

Everything in the body is connected and affects other parts of the body. Even though your feet are not close to your pelvis, supportive shoes support spinal alignment and in doing so, reduces strain on the pelvis.

Use supportive devices

Maternity belly bands provide support for your belly and back can alleviate strain on your spine and pelvis.   

Treatments for Pelvic Pain

If you have already given birth and are experiencing postpartum pelvic pain, you have options for addressing it. The tips can still support your recovery if it is too late to prevent the pain. Additionally, you can take NSAIDs like acetaminophen, use a heating pad, get rest, and work with a pelvic floor physical therapist. Note that you should speak to your doctor as soon as possible about your concerns; they can give you specific guidance for the treatment options best suited to you    

The bottom line 

Understanding the potential causes, incorporating prevention strategies, and seeking appropriate treatment are the best ways to approach postpartum pelvic pain. Every person’s experience and body is unique, and healing timelines and trajectories will vary, which is why it is important to consult a qualified pelvic floor physical therapist and/or a sex therapist. Finally, though easier said than done, try to be patient with your body. It has just been through significant trauma and challenges, so health complications as a result are to be expected. By educating yourself and using available resources, you may feel more supported on the journey of postpartum recovery.     

A guide to clitoral stimulation: How to help your partner have an orgasm

Despite the fact that it is an integral part of sexual pleasure for people with vulvas, the clitoris has historically been and continues to be considered mysterious and overly complicated. The lack of accurate, inclusive sex education in America only adds fuel to the fire, with the clitoris often being left out altogether from sex education curricula. This is part of why the orgasm gap exists, a term originating from a study that showed cisgender women orgasm less frequently during sex than cisgender males.  

In reality, with the proper information and guidance, pleasuring a vulva and clitoris does not have to be intimidating. This guide aims to equip you with accurate information about the vulva and clitoris, general advice for making an orgasm as likely as possible, and specific tips for pleasuring a vulva.    

General tips for pleasuring a vulva

Communicate preferences before, during, and after. There are many factors, such as anatomy, sexual trauma, and relationship to a sexual partner, that influence what will feel pleasurable to someone. Everyone’s preferences are different, so even if you have made someone with a vulva orgasm, that does not necessarily mean those techniques will work with another partner. Talking to a partner before sex about what usually works for them and what role they prefer you to play in their pleasure is the first step to success. That can be accompanied by positive reinforcement during sex when something feels good, and gentle correction when it does not. Afterwards, you can debrief about what worked and what did not so it can be even better next time. 

An absence of communication means you have to throw shots in the dark trying to make someone feel good which can create frustration for all parties involved. Unfortunately, people socialized as women are often discouraged from speaking up about what they want so this is not to say that it is easy or simple to communicate about sex, but it is an important skill to learn if you are looking to have more pleasurable sex. 

Don’t solely focus on the clitoris.

Yes, the clitoris is an important part of pleasuring a vulva. However, clitoral stimulation is the most effective when it is preceded by foreplay and stimulation of other erogenous zones like the nipples and inner thighs. When someone is aroused, the clitoris engorges with blood, making it even more sensitive. Furthermore, mental arousal and a buildup to the “main event” is almost always required in order to make someone orgasm.  

Use sex toys.

There are still misconceptions around sex toys that using them is “cheating” at pleasuring a partner or that using sex toys means that you are “bad” at pleasuring someone. Sex toys are tools and if using them enhances someone’s pleasure, there is no shame in using them to achieve that! 

Take the pressure off.

Orgasms are awesome, but they do not have to be the sole way to define pleasurable sex. There are plenty of ways to have fulfilling, enjoyable sex that do not necessarily end in orgasm. Additionally, focusing on the orgasm as the ultimate goal might put pressure on one or multiple sexual partners. This pressure can act as a mental block and get you further from the goal of orgasm because it is difficult to achieve orgasm under pressure.

 What are the best techniques for stimulating a clitoris?

Below is a non-exhaustive list of techniques for pleasuring a vulva and clitoris. You can refer to this article for information on vulva anatomy and where to find the clitoris.  These approaches to stimulating a vulva work best when they are preceded by foreplay and teasing. Additionally, you can use multiple techniques during one sex session to enhance pleasure. It might take some trial and error to figure out what works best, and that is okay! This is why communication is integral, because a partner’s feedback informs how you adjust your approach in future sex sessions.   

Oral stimulation

Cunnilingus is a popular approach for pleasuring a vulva. Typically, it is best to start with broad, gentle pressure as a warmup and then build to more direct stimulation. Some clitorises are more sensitive than others, especially when it comes to direct touch, so this is something to discuss with your partner before and during cunnilingus. Oral stimulation pairs well with finger stimulation and/or penetration if that is something your partner enjoys. Furthermore, enthusiasm is hot so making pleasure noises enhances the experience as well. 

Sexuality educator- recommended techniques

• Sucking on the labia and clitoris

• Flicking your tongue up and down on the clitoris

• Circling around and on the clitoris with your tongue

• Using the flat part of your tongue to lick up the length of the vulva and/or over the clitoris for a less pinpoint approach than using the tip of your tongue 

Note that if you are new to giving cunnilingus, you should expect that the vulva will have an odor and taste, unique to each vulva. Unless it smells or tastes foul or fishy, two things that can indicate infection, it is likely a perfectly healthy vulva. Many people with vulvas are self-conscious about the way their vulva looks, smells and/or tastes, so keep this in mind when giving oral sex and be kind.   

Finger stimulation

Fingers are great for both clitoral and internal stimulation. First and foremost, make sure your hands are clean and your nails are not sharp and ideally, not long. If they are long, round the edges and put cotton balls under them and gloves on your hands. These steps are important to avoid cuts and infection on the vulva. After that, you are ready to use your fingers, but how? 

Techniques we recommend for finger stimulation

• Orbiting around and on the clit with a finger

• Placing your palm over the clitoris and stroking up and down 

• Using one or multiple fingers for penetration    

Penetration

Though most people with vulvas may not orgasm from penetration alone, it can still be a pleasurable part of sex. Penetration can be used either in conjunction with clitoral stimulation to make orgasm more likely, or it can be done alone if that is pleasurable for your partner. Different sex positions offer different types of penetrative stimulation and your partner may have preferences in that regard. Finally, keep in mind that conditions like vaginismus may disallow penetration, and it is important to communicate about that if relevant. 
Techniques and positions we recommend for penetration

• Penetrating the vagina with fingers or a dildo and putting them/it in and pulling out repeatedly, at your partner’s preferred speed and pressure

• Penetrating the vagina with a finger or several fingers with the palm facing up, and using a “come hither” motion to stimulate the g-spot

• Try a sex position like “table top” or “leap frog” that allow for both penetration and you or your partner to stimulate the clitoris

• Experiment with different pelvis/hip positions during penetration to adjust where the stimulation hits during penetration. This can be done in several ways, such as putting a pillow under the vulva-haver’s lower back or the vulva-haver angling their hips up or down in various sex positions 

Takeaway

The tips and techniques described in this article are a great place to start, but ultimately only through collaboration and communication with your partner will you be able to pleasure them to the fullest potential. It may take trial and error, and that is okay! All partners involved should work to create a safe environment where feedback can be freely given and openly received, and where everyone feels safe. If you have anxieties and fears about your capabilities or about trying something specific, you can express that; the pressure should not only be on you to make your partner feel good. Hopefully the information and resources in this article will give you the tools to start experimenting and exploring more! 

Here are some additional sources to guide further exploration:

• The Ultimate Guide to Clitoral Stimulation 

• Women’s techniques for making vaginal penetration more pleasurable

• G Spot: What It Is, How to Find It, and Sex Positions 

• O.School: The Clitoris 

• The VICE Guide to the Clit 

• A guide to clitoral sex 

• How to Communicate About Sex During Sex 

• How can I be more comfortable communicating during sex?

• 29 Oral Sex Techniques

• The Best Sex Toys for Couples Will Make Doing It Even More Awesome