Physical Intimacy After Sexual Trauma

Content warning: discussion of trauma and sexual assault

Sexual trauma is one of the most harrowing experiences someone can go through and unfortunately, it’s far too common. Sexual trauma can be caused by any kind of non-consensual sexual experience; including rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment, and childhood molestation. Given that trauma is subjective, it is up to the individual to determine how to define their experience. On average, there are 450,000+ survivors of rape and sexual assault every year in the United States, a number which is likely underreported. Survivors of sexual trauma frequently struggle with PTSD and are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol to cope. Experiencing sexual trauma has the potential to upend someone’s entire life, not least of all their sex life. Trauma responses can range from sex repulsion to hyper-sexuality. There is no one timeline or coping strategy that will work for every survivor of sexual assault so the most important part is to respect one’s own boundaries and to move at a pace that feels comfortable. There’s no obligation to return to consensual sex but for those who want that, healing is possible, even if it is sometimes challenging. 

Common obstacles to resuming consensual intimacy may include negative body image, flashbacks, and PTSD. If it’s accessible to you, work with a trauma informed therapist to facilitate your healing process. Embrace Sexual Wellness offers therapy to address sexual trauma concerns and you can learn more about our services here. In the meanwhile, the following tips and resources can assist your healing process. 

General Tips

• Identify your specific triggers and boundaries to understand what your healing process should work to address

• Move at your own pace

• Explore intimacy solo before partnered 

• Test out different coping mechanisms for trauma healing such as talk therapy, mindfulness, and medication 

• Reassociate intimacy, touch, and sensuality with positive connotations

• When returning to partnered intimacy, be in constant communication

Body Image 

• If your body image has been affected by sexual trauma, it may put you at risk for self-harm or disregard for your own safety so it is vital to address as soon as possible

• Surround yourself online and in real life with a diverse community of body positive or body neutral people, especially on social media

• Understand that you deserve peace and to feel worthy. You deserve self-compassion

• Resources

  • Health At Every Size Community Resources 

  • My Body Back

  • The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

  • Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving by Betty Dodson

Flashbacks/PTSD

• Test out different coping strategies for flashbacks to see what works for you; if you have access to a mental health professional, develop coping strategies in conjunction with them 

  • Try grounding strategies 

  • Talk it out

  • Try mindfulness exercises

• Remember that healing is not linear and there is no wrong way to heal 

• Seek out therapy. If it’s not accessible to you, check out our mental health resource roundup

• Avoid drugs and alcohol

• Acknowledge small victories

• Resources

  • Flashbacks | RAINN

  • Flashbacks - Herts Rape Crisis and Sexual Abuse Centre

  • Survivor Network - Flashbacks

  • Post-Traumatic Stress and Sexual Trauma

  • Flashbacks during Sex

  • How My Partner Reacted When I Had a Flashback While We Were Having Sex 

Reintroducing Intimacy

• Start out by working up to solo intimacy. This could be a warm bath, taking sensual photos, reading erotica, and/or masturbation, along with anything else you might want to try

• Determine your triggers and boundaries and communicate them to partner(s) when applicable

• Have an emergency plan in case you become triggered in everyday life or during sex to calm down and prevent from spiraling 

• What feels pleasurable might change after sexual trauma. Remain flexible in your thinking about what pleasurable intimacy looks like

• When attempting partnered intimacy, constantly communicate with your partner(s) about how you feel, what feels good, boundaries, and whether you want to keep going

• Resources

  • Developing Hot + Healthy Intimacy After Sexual Trauma 

  • Reclaiming Sex and Romance After Assault 

  • Sex After Sexual Assault: A Guide for When It’s Tough

  • A Guide For Survivors Of Sexual Harm

  • Having Healthy Sex after Sexual Assault

Reclaiming Sexuality

• Masturbation can aid in reclaiming a sense of control and ability to experience sexual pleasure

• Both hypo- and hypersexuality are normative post-trauma responses 

• Read articles and books to guide you through reclaiming your sexuality. Good book options include 

  • The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

  • Dear Sister: Letters from Survivors of Sexual Violence edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers

  • The Rape Recover Handbook: Step by Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite T. Matsakis

  • The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz

  • Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines 

• Talk about shame, obstacles, concerns, and intimacy through with a consenting friend or, ideally, a mental health professional

• Be patient and kind to yourself

• Resources

  • Reclaiming My Eroticism After Sexual Assault

  • Reclaiming Sexuality and Desire 

  • How I Took Back My Power After Experiencing Sexual Trauma

Regardless of your experience or post-trauma response, you deserve to heal, reclaim your sexuality, and enjoy sex again (if you enjoyed sex pre-trauma). Your experience is valid and please give yourself grace as you navigate the complex feelings associated with healing trauma. Build your support network, read up on healing strategies, and be patient. If you’ve tried healing on your own and you need more support, contact us for trauma-informed therapy.

Understanding the Minority Stress Model

One’s identities (race, gender, religion, and more) and their according privilege or lack thereof affect how they are treated in society. Those who belong to marginalized groups such the LGBTQ+ community and BIPOC communities, for example, are at risk for experiencing minority stress. The minority stress model is a theory that provides insight into the relationship between minoritized/marginalized and dominant groups that result in a contentious social environment for the minority group members. 

The first person to coin the term was Dr. Virginia Rae Brooks in her book, Minority Stress and Lesbian Women in 1981. Ilan Meyer’s 2003 study, Prejudice, Social Stress, and Mental Health in Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Populations advanced Brooks’ research. Beyond this study, there are dozens of additional studies providing the existence of minority stress. The contentious social environment, especially prejudice and discrimination, has detrimental effects on the wellbeing of minority group members. The five types of minority stress are victimization, discrimination, heteronormative cultural norms, stereotyping and prejudice, and systematic bias. These ongoing stressors are what cause the detrimental effects of minority stress as a whole. It’s important to note that minority stress is distinct from general stress, which everyone can experience. Unlike general stress, minority stress is chronic and socially-based. The overarching social structures that create prejudice and discrimination in the first place are staples of society which means they are unending and inescapable.

Intersectional theory demands that we are, among other things, context specific. This means that people and, in the context of therapy, patients all have different needs, access, and privilege that all need to be taken into account when assessing one’s stress levels. There are a variety of theories about integrating treatment strategies to specifically target minority stress. 

One such theory is the ESTEEM model which aims to address mental, sexual, and behavioral health needs. It’s important to note that the study underlying the ESTEEM model was done on sexual minority men so while the information it generated is important, the research scope was limited. The ESTEEM model includes ten treatment modules to be conducted in one-on-one settings that range from tracking instances of minority stress in a patient’s life, discussing learned emotional responses and consequences of minority stress, and exploring the concept of emotion avoidance and emotion-driven behaviors. 

Minority stress is vital to understand for the general population and healthcare practitioners alike. The day to day effects of minority stress have significant effects on wellbeing and health which needs to be taken into account when assessing various health problems that may arise. While minority stress is unavoidable, there are self-care and professional treatment options to help work through its effects. If you’d like to speak with a professional therapist, contact the ESW team here.

Navigating Asexual/Allosexual Relationships

Asexuality is an umbrella term for a sexual orientation spectrum unified by the lack of experiencing sexual attraction towards other people. As opposed to celibacy which is a choice to abstain from sex, asexuality is intrinsic like any other sexual orientation. A lack of sexual attraction does not always inherently mean that someone does not experience other forms of attraction like romantic, aesthetic, or sensual. Like any other identity, the way asexuality manifests will vary from individual to individual. Some asexual people still enjoy the act of sex, while others are sex-repulsed. Furthermore, asexuality may be coupled with any type of romantic attraction but not always. Asexuality is a completely valid sexuality and is not to be confused with any dysfunction or fundamental lacking. Being that some asexual people still experience romantic attraction, it’s likely that not every person they will be romantically attracted to will also be asexual. This difference in sexual orientation  has the potential to cause friction in a relationship if it’s not explicitly and intentionally addressed. Here are some ideas for broaching this topic with your partner.

It’s vital for the allosexual (non-asexual) partner(s) to keep in mind that asexuality, like any other sexual orientation, is not a choice. It is never okay to lash out at an asexual person for something they cannot control. Remember, approach this as you and your partner(s) against the problem, not you versus one another. The problem is the mismatch in needs, not the asexual person’s orientation. 

• Evaluate the tangible sexual needs of all partner(s). Before being able to figure out how to make sure everyone’s needs are being fulfilled, you need to understand what those needs are. In Embrace Sexual Wellness’s blog article, “How to Determine and Communicate Boundaries in Relationships” you can find ways to discover and communicate your needs.

• Brainstorm solutions outside of the box. Consider options like ethical non-monogamy, scheduled sex for a guaranteed frequency (if the asexual partner is open to having sex), and nurturing other types of intimacy. 

• Remember, this  can be a tricky situation to navigate for anyone. There is no shame in seeking out help from professionals like the clinicians at Embrace Sexual Wellness. A third party can facilitate a more productive, effective conversation which may be the jumpstart you and your partner(s) need to tackle this challenge.