6 Tips for If You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page About Kids

Compromise is typically a good way to navigate relationship disagreements, but what about when it comes to kids? There’s no way to have half a child or only parent them for half of their life. Being responsible for a human life is a huge decision and navigating disagreement around it is understandably stressful. Hopefully this guide will help you navigate it as effectively as possible. 

• Remember that kids aren’t the answer to your relationship problems

  • Think and talk about the relationship itself. Is it strong and allowing you to grow as a person? Do you feel like your best self in the relationship? If you’re looking to have kids in the hopes it will bring you and your partner together, definitely step back and reconsider both because it will more than likely cause more strain on the relationship.

• Ask yourself the hard questions and then ask each other

  • What are you hoping kids will bring to your life that you don’t experience now? 

  • What are you afraid of if you do have kids? 

  • What happened in your parents’ or caregivers’ marriages after having kids? 

  • Will you feel unfulfilled if you don’t have kids?

  • Will you resent your partner if you do have kids and end up with a responsibility you may not want? 

  • What hesitations do you have about having kids and are there ways to compromise to work around them? 

• Remember that this is you and your partner versus the problem at hand, not you versus your partner

• Avoid ultimatums

  • Ultimatums are no good for anyone. Threats are not the way to make a life changing decision and will only breed resentment. 

• See a professional

  • Some problems are simply too big to tackle yourself and there’s no reason to white knuckle through it. Talking to a therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness is a great start to navigating this disagreement. 

• Don’t go in with an agenda; go in with an open mind and open ears

  • If you try to get combative right from the start, it will only create more tension. 

• Recognize when it’s healthier to split ways

  • Breakups usually aren’t easy, especially when they’re not due to a lack of love. Sometimes, you might just be fundamentally incompatible and staying in a relationship like that won’t allow you to get your needs met

  • Sacrificing your happiness is a lose-lose situation. Everyone involved deserves to find happiness and to have their needs met

Resources:

• 8 Tough Truths to Consider When Your Partner Doesn't Want Kids 

• 8 things to do if you and your partner disagree about having kids

• Dear Therapist: My Husband Doesn’t Want Another Kid, so I’m Considering Divorce 

• Ask Polly: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want Kids, But I Think I Do!  

• You Want Kids. Your Partner Doesn't. Can Therapy Help?

Halloween costumes aren’t gender-specific

Spiderman or ballerina? Knight or princess? Ken or Barbie?... All of the above? 

Halloween costumes overwhelmingly adhere to the gender binary. From childhood, this expectation is ingrained in our minds and places inherent limitations on self-expression. Though much progress has been made over the past fifty years in terms of shifting views on gender roles and expectations, the binary still dictates how Western society functions. This carries over to the smallest of things, like Halloween costumes. Even though this may seem insignificant, Adie Nelson explains in their article “The Pink Dragon is Female: Halloween Costumes and Gender Markers” that “...the non-inclusive language commonly found in the names of many children’s Halloween costumes reverberates throughout many other dimensions of the gendered social life depicted in this fantastical world. For example, the importance of participation in the paid-work world and financial success for men and of physical attractiveness and marriage for women is reinforced through costume names that reference masculine costumes by occupational roles or titles but describe feminine costumes via appearance and/or relationships (e.g. “Policeman” vs. “Beautiful Bride”)” (Nelson 2000). 

The issue with enforcing expected gender roles by insisting on a “gender aligned” Halloween costume for your child is that it imposes arbitrary, unproductive stereotypes on them before they’ve even gotten the chance to think beyond them. It disallows a child’s natural inclination to explore themselves and their relationship to the world. It’s important to make children feel that whoever they are and whatever they like, you will celebrate their identity. The idea is not to get rid of the idea of gender entirely but to take steps to ensure that the gender binary doesn’t limit your child. Allow your child the space to decide if they want to wear a costume that does not align with their gender identity, or one that is gender neutral. Keep in mind, “Gender neutral” doesn’t necessarily mean unisex, either. If that’s what your child wants, then great! But taking a gender neutral approach to Halloween costumes means allowing your child to wear whatever they’d like regardless of the gendered association with it. Letting your child choose a Halloween costume regardless of binary perceptions and associations is a great first step towards this.  

It's important to acknowledge that though the gender binary is impractical and inaccurate, the reality is that it is still very much enmeshed in the fabric of Western society. With that being said, it’s not unthinkable that a child defying gender expectations would receive backlash from peers. All children in our society are exposed to the idea that gender roles are rigid. However, there's no need to make your child conform to protect them from that backlash. More often then not, when presented with new information, children are able to adapt. Instead, empower your child to stand up to peers and share their knowledge of gender beyond the binary. If you still experience concern, advocate for your child. Speak to their teachers and parents of their friends. Instead of making your child conform, work on making their environment safer for them to explore their gender identity."

At the end of the day, Halloween should be a fun, celebratory occasion. If your child doesn’t get to feel like themself, they might not be able to enjoy it as much. If you’re in need of some inspiration, some very cute anecdotal examples of gender defying Halloween costumes can be found here. 

Resources for gender-conscious parenting:

5 Tips for Preventing and Reducing Gender Bias — Making Caring Common

You Don't Have To Swear Off Pink And Blue To Raise A Kid Without Gender Norms 

The Corporate Masquerade: Branding Masculinity through Halloween Costumes

Halloween Costumes and Gender Markers   

How Halloween costumes can promote gender bias

How to Boost a Low Sex Drive

Everyone’s libido naturally fluctuates due to a variety of factors including stress, menstrual cycles or menopause, negative body image, and more. While it’s not requisite to address low libido if you have no interest in doing so, there are ways to try to increase libido for those who want to. Some circumstantial factors will be inescapable and for those instances, you may need to wait it out. For those who want to try to increase their libido, here are some strategies for doing so. 

Address the issue at the root

In order to address the issue, you need to identify it. Figure out the root cause of your low sex drive. Some factors to consider include stress, hormonal changes like menstrual cycles and birth control hormones, poor body image, relationship issues, medications, and alcohol consumption. If the root issue is neglected, low libido will repeatedly return until it is addressed.

Schedule sex

Many couples are mixed libido, with one desiring sex more frequently than the other. Scheduling time to connect and possibly have sex can help address this, as well as temporary lowered libido. Knowing when you’ll be having sex allows suspense to build and for you to set the mood in advance.

Rule out biological factors 

Biological factors like menopause, depression/anxiety, and stress can all affect libido. If you suspect there is something biologically wrong that is causing the low libido, visit a doctor to figure out what’s going on.

Mix it up

Sometimes libido might be low because sex has become boring. It’s easy to fall into a routine, especially with a long term relationship, but eventually this may no longer feel appealing. Exploring your sexual fantasies and kinks is a great way to experiment and make sex exciting. Read about incorporating kink here. If you’re not into kink or fantasies, try incorporating a sex toy or reading erotica with your partner.

Work on your body image

If you have a hard time with body positivity or neutrality, your self consciousness may be holding you back from desiring sex. Sex is an emotionally and physically vulnerable act. When your body image is suffering, that vulnerability feels even more difficult to achieve which disincentivizes sexual desire. Here are some resources for improving body image:

• Your Body is Not an Apology & Workbook by Sonya Renee Taylor

• Body Positive Power by Megan Crabbe

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

• Happy Fat by Sofie Hagen 

• Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon

• Hunger by Roxane Gay

• You Have the Right to Remain Fat by Virgie Tovar

Evaluate about your medications and contraceptives 

Some medications, such as SSRIs, have libido lowering side effects. If this is posing a significant problem for your sexual satisfaction, talk to your doctor about changing your regimen. Consider the potential role that your contraceptive method has on your libido. If you use certain hormonal birth control, the way it influences your hormonal cycle may affect libido. Discuss with your doctor whether your current contraceptive method is right for you.

Set the mood

An alluring environment can make sex more appealing and enjoyable, likewise a distracting one can get in the way. Some ways to set the mood include lighting candles, wearing sexy clothes or undergarments, listening to sexy music, running a bath, and giving each other massages.

TLDR

Rest assured, low libido is something most people encounter at some point in their life. If after implementing a variety of strategies to increase libido you still struggle with low libido, consider seeing a doctor to ensure nothing more serious is at the root. In instances where emotional issues are at the root, consider reaching out to a therapist. Be patient with yourself and listen to your mind and body.