What is sex therapy?

In recent years, popular TV shows like Sex Education and Sex Love & Goop have brought the concept of sex therapy into the limelight. But beyond the screen, what exactly is sex therapy? In this blog post, we delve into the specifics of this unique form of psychotherapy, designed to address a myriad of concerns related to sexual function, intimacy, and romantic relationships.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy falls under the umbrella of psychotherapy, targeting issues such as sexual function, intimacy, and romantic and sexual well-being. It goes beyond the bedroom, addressing concerns like painful sex, erectile dysfunction, fear of intimacy, lack of desire (for those who do not identify as asexual), and challenges in identifying or communicating sexual and relationship needs and boundaries. Consider making an appointment with a sex therapist if sex does not feel pleasurable or is painful, if you’ve never felt “comfortable” during sex, if you have concerns around orgasm, or frustrations with wanting to last longer during sex. These are some of many considerations that can be addressed in sex therapy. 

Embrace Sexual Wellness has a team of therapists that specialize in sexuality-related concerns as well as a blog and an extensive resources page covering sexuality topics and mental health. If you reside outside Illinois, the AASECT certified professionals directory can help you connect with a qualified sex therapist.

Sex Therapy Certification and Professional Standards

The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) is the certifying organization for sex therapists. Sex therapists, as per AASECT, are licensed mental health professionals specializing in psychotherapy for clients dealing with sexual issues and concerns. Importantly, sex therapists adhere to strict ethical guidelines and do not engage in sexual contact with their clients.

What is the Role of Sex Therapists?

Contrary to common misconceptions, sex therapists primarily provide talk therapy. Sex therapists, surrogate partners, and sex coaches play distinct roles in supporting individuals or couples within the realm of sexual health and well-being. Sex therapists address psychological and emotional aspects of sexuality, utilizing therapeutic techniques to help clients explore and resolve sexual issues, such as communication problems, intimacy concerns, or past trauma. Surrogate partners, working closely in collaboration with a licensed therapist, engage in hands-on, experiential work with clients to address both physical and emotional aspects of sexual difficulties, providing a safe space for the exploration and practice of interpersonal and sexual skills. Sex coaches focus on education, empowerment, and the implementation of goal-oriented strategies to enhance overall sexual satisfaction. They can offer guidance, information, and skill-building exercises to help individuals or couples achieve their desired sexual goals. Each of these professionals contributes uniquely to the broader field of sexuality by providing distinct approaches to address a range of concerns. The scope of this blog is referring specifically to sex therapists.

Who is sex therapy for?

Sex therapy, whether individual or couples-based, addresses a range of concerns. The duration of therapy varies based on the nature of the issues, offering tailored solutions. It helps individuals with sexual dysfunctions like erectile dysfunction or low libido. Couples experiencing challenges with communication about desires or facing relationship challenges, including infidelity or trust issues, can also benefit from sex therapy. Those who've experienced sexual trauma seek therapy to rebuild a healthy relationship with sexuality. Couples with differing sexual desires can learn to understand one other's needs. Individuals or couples may seek therapy to explore and enhance their sexual experiences. Additionally, sex therapy supports LGBTQ+ individuals facing challenges related to sexual identity and relationship dynamics, as well as those dealing with gender identity issues, including gender transition.

What happens in sex therapy?

The structure of sex therapy varies, adapting to the specific needs of the client(s). Therapists often assign home exercises aimed at managing concerns effectively. These exercises may include dedicated time for partner connection, self-exploration activities, and other assignments tailored to the individual or couple. Many therapists also offer free consultation calls where you can further discuss your concerns and determine if sex therapy, or that therapist, is a good fit for you.

Tips for Navigating Long Distance Intimacy

Long distance relationships are tough for everyone involved - who wants to be apart from their loved one(s)? Though nothing will quite sate the desire to be with them physically, there are ways to get everyone’s needs met. Over the past few years COVID forced us to innovate and find creative ways to stay connected. As a result, we've never had more tools available to make long distance relationships a bit easier. Before figuring out which of these options work best for your relationship, all partners involved should evaluate what they need to feel connected and satisfied, and then communicate that to each other. That will give you the information you need to choose the best option(s) for your relationship.

Some questions you should consider are:

• What are your non-negotiable needs around connecting with your partner and how often do you need to connect to feel satisfied in your relationship? 

• How often are you able and willing to text/call/video chat? 

• What insecurities, if any, do you have about long distance relationships and what do you need from your partner(s) to help you manage those insecurities?

• What ways, if any, do you need to be intentional about how you spend social time outside the relationship in order to feel socially satisfied? 

• What are your primary love language(s) and how can they be fulfilled long distance? 

Once you establish those answers, you can get started looking into ways to connect, including the following suggestions: 

CASUAL COMMUNICATION

• Send videos or audio messages to give your partner updates about your day 

• Make “open when” letters

• Send them a surprise $5 to get themselves a coffee  
  

SPENDING TIME TOGETHER

• Watch a movie or TV show together

• Play free multiplayer games online like on Pogo

• Do a virtual museum tour
  

SEX

• Try out a long distance remote control sex toy 

• Print out sultry photos of yourself and mail it to them (as long as you have consent) 

• Set aside time for sexting like you would carve out time for physical sex in order to be fully present and connected 
  

Long distance relationships are challenging but not insurmountable. With work, intentionality, and communication, it’s possible to have a full, satisfying relationship regardless of proximity. 

Holiday Gift Ideas For Each of the 5 Love Languages

With the holidays right around the corner, you might be thinking about what to get for your loved ones. Gift-giving can be daunting but a great starting point is to think about the recipient’s primary love language(s ).

The idea of the five love languages is based on The 5 Love Languages book by Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor*. The website explains that when you identify the love languages preferences of yourself and the people you love, you can connect on a deeper level and understand how to fulfill needs more easily and effectively. The five outlined are acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. 

Gift Ideas   

Acts of Service 

For people who receive love primarily through acts of service, it’s most meaningful when their loved ones help them out by doing things like making them breakfast, taking over a chore for them, or running an errand for them. 

• Cooking them a meal

  • Bringing them breakfast in bed

• Making a “coupon book” with various chores and errands that the recipient can cash in when they want the giver to take over that task

• Give them a gift card for a home cleaning service

Receiving Gifts

For people who receive love primarily through receiving gifts, they feel loved when they receive meaningful tangible items. A common misconception is that people with this love language are greedy or materialistic; however, it’s not about what the item is but about giving them a tangible reminder that they are loved. For this love language, gift-giving is a little different because it will highly vary from person to person what will mean the most. 

• Consider a multi-part gift that requires opening several packages. This might be something like a spa set where each package has a different self-care item or a customized puzzle where you give them the pieces over a course of days and they have to figure out how to assemble it. If you’re not feeling inspired, there’s also a resource called The Days of Gifts that sends multi-day gift packages based on a questionnaire filled out by the giver. 

• Subscription-based gifts are another great “gift that keeps on giving” for your gift-receiving love language loved one.

• Something sentimental like a customized accessory with a photo attached to a fun memory

Quality Time

For people who receive love primarily through quality time, they feel the most loved when they get to spend uninterrupted time with their loved one. 

• Plan an adventure whether that’s a day trip to a nearby city or hiking or whatever other kind of excursion suits the recipient’s interests

• Make a date jar (regardless of whether it’s a romantic or platonic relationship!). Get a container (if you’re feeling crafty, you can decorate it too!) and fill it with slips of paper with ideas for ways you can spend time together

• Take a cooking class together 

Words of Affirmation

For people who receive love primarily through words of affirmation, they feel the most loved when their loved ones share written or spoken kind and complimentary words. 

• Make an affirmation jar! Similar to the concept of the date jar, this involves getting a container and filling it with slips of paper with compliments and kind words about the recipient

• Markup a favorite book with notes, inside jokes, and surprises like fun stickers

• Commission a photo word portrait. You send the artist any words, whether that’s a favorite poem or a letter you write yourself, and a photo and they combine the two to make a beautiful sentimental gift

Physical Touch 

For people who receive love primarily through physical touch, they feel the most loved when they get to be physically affectionate with their loved ones. 

• Buy some nice massage oils and give them a massage (this would likely be suitable only for romantic partners or close friends). If you’re not confident in your massage skills, book them a professional massage instead 

• Get them a weighted blanket, which many people find soothing and cozy 

• A “5 senses” gift where you pick out special items coordinating with each sense like their favorite snack for taste or their favorite cologne for smell
  

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you put thought into your gifts because as long as you do that, it’s hard to go wrong. Even by reading this article, you clearly care about making your loved ones feel loved and are already putting thought into your gifts. Be thoughtful but don’t overthink or overly stress yourself out about it. Happy gift-giving!

*Disclaimer: ESW does not endorse the views of Gary Chapman. These examples are designed to correspond with the universal concept of the love languages and the general adoption of these concepts. For updated alternatives to the 5 love languages search "Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love" by Anne Hodder-Shipp and Jaiya's “Erotic Blueprint.”