What Is Sensate Focus, and How Can It Benefit Couples?

What Is Sensate Focus and How Can It Benefit Couples?

When physical intimacy starts to feel distant or pressured, many couples wonder what changed. Maybe sex has become routine or filled with anxiety. Maybe one partner feels rejected, or the other feels like they can’t “get in the mood.” Whatever the cause, these experiences are common and deeply human.

As Chicago sex therapists we often work with couples who love each other but feel disconnected physically. One of the most powerful tools we use to rebuild closeness is something called sensate focus.

Developed by sex researchers Masters and Johnson in the 1960s, sensate focus is a structured yet gentle series of exercises designed to help partners reconnect through touch without the goal of intercourse or orgasm. This practice helps couples reduce performance pressure, become more present, and rediscover physical pleasure in a mindful, emotionally safe way.

What Is Sensate Focus?

Sensate focus is a therapeutic technique that encourages couples to explore touch and sensuality with curiosity rather than expectation. The goal isn’t sexual performance, rather it’s about building awareness, connection, and relaxation.

During sensate focus exercises, partners take turns touching and being touched, paying attention to sensations, emotions, and the simple act of being present with one another. It’s not about “doing it right” or achieving a particular outcome. Instead, it’s about slowing down, noticing what feels good, and learning to enjoy physical connection without pressure.

Sex therapists often describe sensate focus as “mindfulness for your body.” Just as mindfulness teaches us to observe our thoughts without judgment, sensate focus helps couples observe physical sensations and emotional responses with curiosity and compassion.

How Sensate Focus Works: The Basic Steps

Sensate focus usually unfolds in gradual stages, often introduced during sex therapy sessions or as guided homework between sessions. Here’s how it typically works:

Non-Sexual Touch

Partners start with non-genital, non-breast touch focusing on exploring skin, texture, warmth, and pressure. The goal is not arousal, but to tune into how it feels to touch and be touched.

Partners take turns giving and receiving touch. The receiver notices sensations where it feels relaxing or tense, warm or neutral while the giver focuses on their own experience of giving touch, without trying to please or elicit a reaction.

This stage helps re-establish safety and comfort, especially if physical intimacy has felt tense, painful, or disconnected.

Sensual Touch

Once both partners feel more comfortable, sensual (but still non-genital) touch is introduced. This may involve exploring erogenous zones like the neck, back, or inner thighs still with no pressure to move toward intercourse.

This phase encourages partners to notice desire and arousal as sensations that come and go naturally, without needing to control or act on them.

It’s a beautiful reminder that intimacy is about connection, not performance.

Sexual Touch

In later stages, couples may include genital or breast touch, guided by consent and comfort. By this point, partners have developed greater awareness, emotional safety, and communication allowing them to explore deeper pleasure without anxiety.

Even in this stage, intercourse or orgasm isn’t required. The goal remains connection, mindfulness, and curiosity.

Why Sensate Focus Is Effective for Couples

Sensate focus is a cornerstone technique in sex therapy because it helps couples address several common barriers to intimacy, including:

Reducing Performance Pressure

Many people experience anxiety around sex wondering if they’ll perform well, satisfy their partner, or “get it right.” This pressure activates a stress response, which can block arousal and make pleasure harder to access.

Sensate focus removes the expectation of performance entirely. When the goal isn’t intercourse or orgasm, partners can relax and rediscover touch as something pleasurable, not pressured.

Rebuilding Connection After Distance or Conflict

Couples who have gone through emotional disconnection, medical challenges, or infidelity often struggle to be physically close again. Sensate focus provides a structured, non-threatening way to rebuild trust.

It allows partners to reconnect through simple, safe touch while helping the body “remember” what it feels like to be close, without forcing sexual activity before readiness.

Supporting Couples Facing Sexual Pain or Dysfunction

For individuals experiencing pain during sex, erectile difficulties, or other sexual concerns, sensate focus offers a pathway to healing that prioritizes comfort and safety.

By focusing on pleasure rather than performance, partners can break the cycle of fear and avoidance that often accompanies sexual pain or dysfunction.

Our team of Chicago sex therapists frequently uses sensate focus with clients navigating conditions like vaginismus, vulvodynia, or erectile dysfunction, not as a quick fix, but as a gentle, body-centered approach to reclaiming confidence and connection.

4. Cultivating Mindfulness and Emotional Presence

In today’s busy, distracted world, couples often move through intimacy on autopilot. Sensate focus slows things down. It teaches both partners to notice not just physical sensations, but emotions, thoughts, and reactions. This mindful awareness deepens emotional intimacy and allows partners to communicate more authentically about what feels good and what doesn’t.

Common Questions About Sensate Focus

• Is sensate focus only for couples struggling with sexual issues?
  Not at all. While it’s often introduced in sex therapy for concerns like low desire or performance anxiety, many couples use sensate focus simply to deepen connection and enhance pleasure.

• How long does it take to see benefits?
  Every couple is different. Some notice a shift in closeness after a few exercises, while others may take more time to rebuild trust and comfort. The process works best when practiced regularly and approached with patience.

• Can we try sensate focus on our own?
  Yes, but working with a trained sex therapist can help you tailor the exercises to your relationship’s unique needs and avoid common pitfalls such as moving too fast or feeling self-conscious.

How a Chicago Sex Therapist Can Help

While the exercises themselves may sound simple, the emotional layers underneath (e.g., shame, fear, or communication blocks) can make it difficult to practice alone. That’s where therapy helps.

In sessions, a sex therapist guides couples in

• Understanding what emotional patterns interrupt intimacy

• Setting boundaries that foster safety and trust

• Gradually reintroducing physical closeness in ways that feel supportive, not pressured

• Reframing sex as connection, not performance

Therapy also provides a space to process vulnerability, which is essential for sustaining long-term intimacy.

Takeaway: Intimacy Starts with Awareness, Not Perfection

Sensate focus reminds us that intimacy isn’t about doing more; rather it’s about feeling more. By slowing down, tuning into the body, and removing the pressure to perform, couples can rediscover the simple joy of being close. If you and your partner are feeling disconnected or struggling with sexual performance anxiety, you’re not alone and healing is possible.

At Embrace Sexual Wellness, our team of Chicago sex therapists specialize in helping couples rebuild intimacy, trust, and pleasure through evidence-based approaches like sensate focus. Together, we can help you create the kind of connection that feels safe, playful, and deeply satisfying again.

Why Does Sex Hurt? Understanding Painful Sex, Vaginismus, and How Sex Therapy Can Help

Why Does Sex Hurt? Understanding Painful Sex, Vaginismus, and How Sex Therapy Can Help

Many people quietly search questions like “Why does sex hurt?”, “Is painful sex normal?”, or “What is vaginismus?” late at night, often feeling confused, frustrated, or alone. Painful sex is far more common than most people realize, yet it is rarely talked about openly.

Our team of experienced sex therapists work with individuals and couples who are navigating painful sex, vaginismus, and the emotional toll these experiences can create. Pain during sex is not something that needs to be tolerated or ignored. With the right support, it is both understandable and treatable.

This article answers the most common questions people ask about painful sex and vaginismus and explains how sex therapy can help restore comfort, confidence, and intimacy.

Why Does Sex Hurt?

One of the most common search queries is simply, “Why does sex hurt?” Pain during sex, clinically referred to as dyspareunia, can have multiple contributing factors. These may include pelvic floor muscle tension, hormonal changes, medical conditions, anxiety, past trauma, or sexual shame.

Painful sex can occur even when someone feels aroused or emotionally connected to their partner. Many people wonder why penetration hurts even with lubrication or why sex hurts sometimes but not others. These experiences often reflect how closely the body and nervous system are connected to emotional stress, expectations, and fear.

Painful sex is not “all in your head,” but it is also rarely just a physical issue. This is where sex therapy becomes an essential part of treatment.

What Is Vaginismus?

Another highly searched question is, “What is vaginismus?” Vaginismus involves involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles, making penetration painful or impossible. People often ask if vaginismus is real or psychological. The answer is that it is very real and involves both physical and emotional components.

Common questions include:

• How do I know if I have vaginismus?

• What does vaginismus feel like?

• Can vaginismus start suddenly or after childbirth?

• Is vaginismus permanent?

Vaginismus can develop due to anxiety, sexual trauma, medical procedures, chronic pain, religious or cultural sexual shame, or fear of penetration. It is not a personal failure or a sign that something is “wrong” with the body.

Is Painful Sex Normal?

While painful sex is more common than you’d expect, it is not something that should be accepted as normal or unavoidable. Pain is the body’s signal that something needs attention.

Questions such as “Why does sex hurt after childbirth?” or “Why does sex hurt after menopause?” are especially common. Hormonal shifts, tissue changes, and life stressors can all play a role. Sex therapy helps individuals understand these changes and develop strategies to reduce pain and rebuild comfort.

Can Anxiety or Stress Cause Painful Sex?

A frequent question is, “Can anxiety cause painful sex?” The short answer is yes. When the nervous system is in a state of stress, the body often responds by tightening muscles, including the pelvic floor. This can lead to pain during penetration or a feeling that the body “shuts down” during sex.

This could explain why tampons may feel fine while sex hurts or why pain appears inconsistently. These patterns often point to nervous system responses rather than structural problems alone.

How Is Vaginismus or Painful Sex Treated?

One of the most common questions people search is, “Can painful sex or vaginismus be treated?” The answer is yes. Effective treatment often involves a combination of emotional, physical, and relational support rather than a single solution.

Painful sex rarely has only one cause. Muscle tension, nervous system responses, anxiety, trauma, hormonal changes, and relationship dynamics often interact. Because of this, treatment is most successful when it addresses both the body and the mind.

How Sex Therapy Helps with Painful Sex

Sex therapy plays a central role in helping individuals understand and heal from painful sex and vaginismus. Our team of Chicago sex therapists provide a safe, nonjudgmental space where clients can talk openly about experiences that are often accompanied by shame, fear, or frustration.

Sex therapy helps by:

Reducing fear and anxiety. Many people notice their bodies tense automatically during intimacy. Sex therapy helps identify fear responses in the nervous system and teaches tools to calm the body, making pain less likely to occur.

Addressing sexual shame and beliefs. Questions such as “Is vaginismus all in my head?” or “Am I broken if sex hurts?” are common. Sex therapy helps clients understand that painful sex is not a personal failure. Challenging shame-based beliefs can significantly reduce muscle tension and avoidance.

Supporting gradual, pressure-free intimacy. Sex therapy does not focus on “pushing through” penetration. Instead, therapists guide clients through gradual, non-penetrative intimacy exercises that build safety, trust, and comfort. This approach often reduces pain by removing performance pressure.

Improving communication with partners. Painful sex can strain relationships. Sex therapy helps individuals and couples learn how to talk about pain, boundaries, and desire in ways that foster understanding rather than guilt or fear.

How Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy Helps

Many people also search questions like, “Does pelvic floor therapy help vaginismus?” or “Do pelvic floor exercises work for painful sex?” Pelvic floor physical therapy is often a crucial part of treatment.

Pelvic floor physical therapists are trained to assess and treat muscle tension, coordination, and pain in the pelvic region. For individuals with vaginismus or painful penetration, therapy may include:

Muscle relaxation and coordination work. Rather than strengthening, treatment often focuses on learning how to relax overactive pelvic floor muscles and improve control.

Education about pelvic anatomy. Understanding how the pelvic floor works can reduce fear and confusion. Many people feel relief simply learning that their symptoms have a physical explanation.

Gentle, gradual exposure. When appropriate, pelvic floor therapists may use manual techniques or guide clients in using vaginal dilators at a pace that feels safe and controlled. These tools are never forced and are introduced thoughtfully.

Collaboration with sex therapy. Pelvic floor physical therapy is most effective when paired with sex therapy. Addressing muscle tension without addressing fear or anxiety can limit progress.

Why Combining Sex Therapy and Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy Works

A common concern is, “Which treatment should I start with?” In many cases, combining sex therapy and pelvic floor physical therapy leads to the best outcomes.

Sex therapy addresses the emotional and relational aspects of pain, while pelvic floor physical therapy focuses on the physical patterns contributing to discomfort. Together, they help retrain both the nervous system and the muscles to respond differently during intimacy.

Clients often find that as anxiety decreases through therapy, physical treatment becomes more effective. Similarly, as physical discomfort lessens, emotional safety and desire increase.

How Long Does Treatment Take?

Another frequent question is how long treatment will take. The answer varies depending on the individual, the severity of symptoms, and contributing factors such as trauma history or medical conditions.

Some clients notice improvements within a few months, while others benefit from longer-term support. Progress is rarely linear, and setbacks are normal. What matters most is moving at a pace that feels safe and sustainable.

Can You Heal Without Penetration Being the Goal?

Many people worry that treatment will pressure them toward penetrative sex. Effective treatment does not treat penetration as the goal. Instead, the focus is on comfort, agency, and pleasure.

Many individuals discover that redefining intimacy and expanding their understanding of sexual connection reduces pressure and supports healing. Penetration often becomes easier when it is no longer the central focus.

When to Seek Support

If painful sex or vaginismus is affecting confidence, desire, or relationships, seeking support sooner rather than later can prevent symptoms from becoming more entrenched. Working with a sex therapist and, when appropriate, a pelvic floor physical therapist can provide clarity, relief, and a clear path forward.

Painful sex and vaginismus are treatable conditions. With compassionate, coordinated care that addresses both emotional and physical experiences, individuals and couples can move toward intimacy that feels safe, comfortable, and connected.

How Should Parents Talk to Kids About Sex? A Chicago Sex Therapist Shares Guidance

How Should Parents Talk to Kids About Sex? Guidance from a Chicago Sex Therapist

Written by Abby Gerding

Talking about sex with children can be one of the most difficult tasks for parents. Parents often worry that their kids aren’t ready to have that talk, that they will say the wrong things, or share too much. These questions can make the conversation feel daunting, but these conversations are very important. Having open, honest, age-appropriate discussions about sexuality can lead to healthier relationships in adulthood, decreased shame, and built trust and safety in a parent-child relationship. 

As a Chicago sex therapist, I often support parents who want to raise confident, informed, and emotionally healthy kids- but aren’t sure how to start the conversation. These conversations don’t have to be scary, and you don’t have to tackle them alone. This article addresses some of the major questions parents have, including when to start, what to say, and how therapy can provide support for parents who are still uncertain.

When Should I Start Talking to My Child About Sex? 

Sex education and talking to kids about sexuality starts at an early age. Talking about sex with younger children can seem scary, but it is important to note that this does not mean that parents need to explain intercourse to a toddler. These early conversations often involve discussions on boundaries, consent, respect, and body awareness. It can be as simple as using correct terms when naming body parts.

As kids get older, conversations will evolve and involve introducing new topics as they become appropriate for their development. As a Chicago sex therapist, I often tell parents that early age-appropriate conversations lay the groundwork for lifelong comfort and safety. 

Starting these conversations early and having them often offers parents the chance to build trust with their children and become a reliable source of information. This also provides kids with an open environment to ask questions about what they want to better understand. 

What Exactly Should I Say When I Don’t Know the Answers? 

Oftentimes, parents find themselves faced with a question from their child that they may not have the answers to. This may feel uncomfortable, but it is okay to not have all the answers. A Chicago sex therapist can help parents build language and confidence for these sensitive topics. When in doubt, the most important thing a parent can do is remain open. 

When parents are feeling unsure, responses like “That’s a good question, let’s look it up together” or “I’m not sure, let me find some information on that for you” can be a great starting point. It is best to lead with honesty and curiosity rather than avoidance. Children appreciate authenticity and openness, and learning together can build trust. 

Will Talking About Sex Encourage My Child to Be Sexually Active? 

One common misconception related to sex education is that having an open dialogue about sex will lead to earlier and riskier sexual behavior. Many parents in Chicago express this concern, but as a Chicago sex therapist, I reassure them that honest dialogue promotes responsibility, not risk. 

Actually, the opposite is true. Research suggests kids who receive comprehensive sex education are more informed about their options, which is associated with higher rates of contraceptive use, healthier partnerships, and reduced  risk of unintended pregnancies. Open communication can also reduce feelings of sexual shame and promote better relationship satisfaction in the long term. 

How Can I Make the Conversation Age-Appropriate?

Age-appropriate conversations are based on development and understanding. Across all ages, it is important to use accurate terminology, clear language, and check in regularly. Only having “the talk” once reduces the ability to naturally build on conversations over time. A Chicago sex therapist can help parents tailor these discussions to their child’s maturity level and emotional needs. Below are some examples of age-appropriate topics:

• Early Childhood: naming parts of the body, setting boundaries, consent, and having an awareness that there are different variations of families.

• Middle Childhood & Preteens: understanding puberty and changes to the body, menstruation, understanding healthy relationships, having an awareness of diverse gender and sexual orientations, and building media literacy. Conversations around reproduction and pregnancy also tend to come up around this stage. 

• Teens: advanced understanding of consent, various types of sexual behavior, pleasure, safer sex practices, advanced understanding of interpersonal violence and healthy relationships, and more sophisticated media literacy.

How Do I Stay Calm When My Child Asks Uncomfortable Questions? 

Uncomfortable questions can come up, and it is normal to feel some awkwardness around them. The best thing parents can do in these situations is to pause and take a breath. It is better to take the time to answer thoughtfully and calmly. Starting with phrases like “that’s a really mature question” and “I’m proud you asked me” can help to give parents time to collect their thoughts. 

Practicing self-soothing and emotional regulation can be a great way to teach your kids that talking about sex is safe. Sex therapists can help parents navigate any anxiety around these conversations through role-play or practice questions. 

How Do I Talk About Consent and Healthy Relationships? 

 Consent and respect are topics that can be introduced in everyday ways at a very young age. They are not explicitly tied to sex. Consent can be modeled by asking children if they’d like a hug before greeting them and respecting their answer. Discussing sex early and often helps children feel comfortable voicing when they do or don’t want to be touched. This increases their safety and agency, as well as teaches them to listen to and respect others’ answers. Consent education can also help to prevent abuse and violence, because kids begin to understand that unwanted touch is not okay, and that they should reach out to a trusted adult. Simple phrases like “your body belongs to you” and “it’s okay to say no” are great ways to reinforce their autonomy. 

With teens, consent can be focused on sexual touch. It is important to emphasize mutual consent and respect before sex. Teaching teens about enthusiastic consent and the nuances of what should be considered non-consent is appropriate for this stage of development. With social media use, digital consent is a topic that should be introduced with older kids and teens. As sex therapists, we help parents frame these conversations through empathy and empowerment rather than fear.

What If My Child Is Hearing Misinformation from Friends or Online? 

In this digital age, kids are exposed to sexual content at an earlier age than they were a decade ago, whether that is through media or peers. Many families I see as a Chicago sex counselor want tools to help their kids navigate online information responsibly. It can be helpful for parents to ask their children what they have heard or seen about the conversations being had at home. Even asking them what their friends say about various topics can build some insight into what kinds of information they are getting. When misinformation arises, it is best to address it calmly and correct it using credible sources. 

How Can I Share Our Family Values Without Shaming My Child? 

Parents can share their beliefs and values around sex and relationships in a way that is non-shaming. The best way to do this is by taking on a non-judgmental approach. Being non-judgmental requires an openness to alternative ways of doing things. Parents can communicate their values by using “I” statements to discuss personal or familial values rather than speaking negatively about alternative views. It is important to remember that shame often blocks communication, and one way to avoid shame is to lead with compassion. When in doubt, working with a sexuality professional can help parents express values in a way that fosters connection over fear. 

Should I Wait Until They Ask, or Start the Conversation Myself? 

It is often best to be proactive in approaching these conversations with kids. Many children won’t bring it up first or ask questions because they aren’t sure how their parents will react. Some may sense feelings of discomfort or judgment around the topic, which may lead to hesitation. 

One great way to get the conversation started is through media, books, or even natural life events. Consider this helpful guide on using media to spark new conversations. Therapy can also be a useful tool to help parents build the confidence to start these discussions. 

What If My Child Asks About My Sex Life?

Children tend to ask questions because they are curious and want to better understand relationships. While it may feel like they are prying, it is likely driven by their desire to learn more about the world around them. It can feel difficult for many parents to navigate this scenario. In my role as a Chicago sex therapist, I help parents balance honesty with appropriate privacy. 

These situations can be a great opportunity to teach a child about boundaries and privacy. Responding with statements like “that’s a private part of adult relationships, but I can tell you how adults show love and respect,” conveys warmth and is non-shaming. 

TLDR 

Talking about sex with kids can be a tough task for parents. The best way to navigate these conversations with children is to lead with openness, curiosity, and compassion. Creating a shame-free, non-judgmental environment will provide kids with a space to ask questions and build trust. These conversations are done best when they occur often, rather than all at once. Continuing to build off of previous discussions is a great way to ensure that they are age-appropriate. For more resources, check out our comprehensive sexuality education guide. 

If you’re a parent in Chicago who feels unsure about how to navigate these important talks, our team of Chicago sex therapists can help you approach these discussions with confidence and care.