Talking to kids about sex and sexual health can be an uncomfortable topic for many parents and it is hard to know how to approach it appropriately. However, open and honest communication is essential for their understanding and well-being. Sex is a fundamental part of being human and the sooner kids understand concepts like consent and safer sex practices, the better equipped they will be to navigate their relationships responsibly. Of course, there are developmentally appropriate ways to speak about sex and sex-related topics so you do not necessarily need to be talking to your kindergartener about birth control, for example. In this blog, we will provide tips for having developmentally appropriate conversations about sex and sexual health with elementary-age kids.

Which sex-related topics are appropriate for elementary school kids?

When it comes to discussing sex-related topics with elementary school kids, it is important to approach the conversation with developmentally appropriate information. The priority when speaking to young kids about sex is to provide a strong foundation for comprehensive sex education in the long term. Some topics to start with are body parts, reproduction, gender and identity, and consent.

Body Parts

Before you can discuss anything else, a child must have the vocabulary to express and understand sexual health. Avoid euphemisms for genitalia and instead use anatomically correct terminology like penis, testicles, vulva, and vagina. This helps to de-stigmatize these words. AmazeJr for Kids: Help kids learn about their bodies [with Tusky & Friends] and Advocates for Youth have helpful resources on body parts.

Reproduction

Reproduction is fundamental to human existence; it is why sex exists in the first place. Therefore, this is an essential topic to cover from a young age. When discussing reproduction with young kids, you do not have to go into graphic detail but you can share the basic facts. An example of when this might come up is if someone the child knows gets pregnant. We recommend this guide from Planned Parenthood and this roundup of children's books for talking to kids about pregnancy.

Gender & Sexual Identity

When discussing gender and sexual identity with kids, you can introduce the concepts of gender, different sexualities, and pronouns. This may require you to assess some of your own biases and knowledge limitations, and you should educate yourself before introducing these concepts to a child. An example of when this might come up is if the child themself is questioning their gender and/or sexuality, or if a classmate comes out as queer. Gender Spectrum and Sex Positive Families have some useful resources for talking about gender and sexual identities.

Consent & Bodily Autonomy

Consent and bodily autonomy are integral subjects to cover since they are relevant beyond a sexual context. Kids should understand how to respect and communicate personal boundaries. Explain that everyone has the right to say “no” to unwanted physical contact and that it is important to ask for permission before touching someone else. An example of when this might come up is giving and receiving hugs from peers. Consent at Every Age by Harvard and My Space, Your Space are some great resources to explore.

How do I make the conversation accessible and comfortable?

Once you know what you need to talk about, you might still be unsure of how to convey this information effectively. Here are some recommendations to guide your approach to these conversations.

1. Utilize external resources like books and videos.

A daunting part of talking about these topics is that you yourself might not feel equipped or knowledgeable enough to teach a child. Fortunately, there are tons of resources available to educate both you and your child including these created by Amaze and Planned Parenthood.

For kids who are curious about queerness, consider these resources for Families of LGBTQ+ People - PFLAG NYC
For questions about changing bodies and puberty, consider this guide from Planned Parenthood
For questions about pregnancy and birth, consider this resource from Advocates for Youth

If you are still feeling uncertain about approaching these subjects with your child, consider reaching out to a sexuality educator who can give you more specific guidance and support.

2. Be open, non-judgmental, and inclusive.

A central goal of having these conversations with your child should be to position yourself as a safe person for them to come to with sex and body-related questions and problems throughout their development. By encouraging their curiosity, speaking non-judgmentally, and providing education that accounts for a variety of sexualities and gender identities, you can encourage your child to be comfortable coming to you with questions and problems in the long term.

For example, perhaps down the line your child will question their sexuality and that often comes with a fear of rejection from loved ones. If you have made it clear that you are accepting and non-judgmental, they are more likely to come to you while navigating their self-discovery. In this scenario, you can first make sure they know that you love and support them no matter how they identify. Then, if they would like to have a conversation about it, let them take the lead and share what they feel comfortable with. Finally, you can offer them resources like videos, books, support groups, and the opportunity to talk with LGBTQ+ adults in your life.

3. Utilize everyday opportunities.

In your daily life, there are bound to be prompts to discuss key concepts with your child. For example, if someone in your family’s life becomes pregnant, you can use that opportunity to explain how babies are made with your child.

Having open and honest conversations with kids about sex and sexual health is crucial for their understanding, well-being, and ability to navigate the world responsibly. While these conversations may feel uncomfortable or challenging for parents, they will provide your child with the knowledge and skills they need to navigate sexual health and relationships healthily and confidently. On that note, what about when your child is uncomfortable? If your child does express that they are uncomfortable, that is a boundary that should be respected. First of all, you can try to give them some agency by asking if a different time or location for the conversation would be more comfortable. If they still refuse, as is their right, you can provide them access to educational resources and try again in a few weeks.

Resources for Ongoing Learning

It is impossible to cover every subject and the nuances of these conversations in depth in one article so this is not a comprehensive guide. Here are some resources for further learning:

There are many wonderful things about having kids but one of the most challenging among them is their seemingly random urge to strip down regardless of context. At the wrong time, this can be incredibly inconvenient, but rest assured that it’s normal behavior. Children don’t yet have a full understand of societal norms; all they know is that they want their clothes off their bodies. While adults may understand that stripping down in the middle of a cafe isn’t appropriate, children may not. The only way to curb the issue is to first understand the root cause. This will vary from child to child, of course, but some of the most common reasons are sensory discomfort, dealing with overwhelming emotions, and getting attention. When addressing the issue, you should not only strive to teach them why taking off their clothing in certain contexts is inappropriate, but also how to productively address their needs in alternate ways. To you, it may be an inconvenience, but for your child it may be a form of communication.

Root cause aside, that doesn’t necessarily help you in the midst of an anxiety provoking moment when your child decides that the grocery store is their dressing room. First of all, try not to give an extreme reaction. Drawing more attention to the behavior will escalate the circumstances for everyone involved. Easier said than done, but an emotional outburst will do nothing but worsen the situation. Instead, excuse yourselves and find as private a place as possible to help them redress. If you have a moment before you have to rejoin whatever public space you were in, ask them if there was a reason and if so, how you two can address that need together. Then, gently but firmly explain that while there is nothing wrong with being naked, it is only appropriate in certain contexts, and that you’ll speak about it at length later on. It’s important to stress that there is nothing shameful or wrong about the state of being naked.

Having a conversation about social norms is part of the larger conversation about boundaries - both society’s and your child’s. Use this opportunity to discuss consent, when being naked is or is not appropriate, and social norms. Down the line, this will tie into larger conversations about consent in contexts like physical touch and interpersonal boundary setting.

After all is said and done, don’t forget to take care of yourself. This can be a stressful issue to navigate and you deserve to take a few moments to decompress so you can continue being the best parent you can be.

How to talk with your elementary school child about sex