How Should Parents Talk to Kids About Sex? Guidance from a Chicago Sex Therapist
Talking about sex with children can be one of the most difficult tasks for parents. Parents often worry that their kids aren’t ready to have that talk, that they will say the wrong things, or share too much. These questions can make the conversation feel daunting, but these conversations are very important. Having open, honest, age-appropriate discussions about sexuality can lead to healthier relationships in adulthood, decreased shame, and built trust and safety in a parent-child relationship.
As a Chicago sex therapist, I often support parents who want to raise confident, informed, and emotionally healthy kids- but aren’t sure how to start the conversation. These conversations don’t have to be scary, and you don’t have to tackle them alone. This article addresses some of the major questions parents have, including when to start, what to say, and how therapy can provide support for parents who are still uncertain.
When Should I Start Talking to My Child About Sex?
Sex education and talking to kids about sexuality starts at an early age. Talking about sex with younger children can seem scary, but it is important to note that this does not mean that parents need to explain intercourse to a toddler. These early conversations often involve discussions on boundaries, consent, respect, and body awareness. It can be as simple as using correct terms when naming body parts.
As kids get older, conversations will evolve and involve introducing new topics as they become appropriate for their development. As a Chicago sex therapist, I often tell parents that early age-appropriate conversations lay the groundwork for lifelong comfort and safety.
Starting these conversations early and having them often offers parents the chance to build trust with their children and become a reliable source of information. This also provides kids with an open environment to ask questions about what they want to better understand.
What Exactly Should I Say When I Don’t Know the Answers?
Oftentimes, parents find themselves faced with a question from their child that they may not have the answers to. This may feel uncomfortable, but it is okay to not have all the answers. A Chicago sex therapist can help parents build language and confidence for these sensitive topics. When in doubt, the most important thing a parent can do is remain open.
When parents are feeling unsure, responses like “That’s a good question, let’s look it up together” or “I’m not sure, let me find some information on that for you” can be a great starting point. It is best to lead with honesty and curiosity rather than avoidance. Children appreciate authenticity and openness, and learning together can build trust.
Will Talking About Sex Encourage My Child to Be Sexually Active?
One common misconception related to sex education is that having an open dialogue about sex will lead to earlier and riskier sexual behavior. Many parents in Chicago express this concern, but as a Chicago sex therapist, I reassure them that honest dialogue promotes responsibility, not risk.
Actually, the opposite is true. Research suggests kids who receive comprehensive sex education are more informed about their options, which is associated with higher rates of contraceptive use, healthier partnerships, and reduced risk of unintended pregnancies. Open communication can also reduce feelings of sexual shame and promote better relationship satisfaction in the long term.
How Can I Make the Conversation Age-Appropriate?
Age-appropriate conversations are based on development and understanding. Across all ages, it is important to use accurate terminology, clear language, and check in regularly. Only having “the talk” once reduces the ability to naturally build on conversations over time. A Chicago sex therapist can help parents tailor these discussions to their child’s maturity level and emotional needs. Below are some examples of age-appropriate topics:
Early Childhood: naming parts of the body, setting boundaries, consent, and having an awareness that there are different variations of families.
Middle Childhood & Preteens: understanding puberty and changes to the body, menstruation, understanding healthy relationships, having an awareness of diverse gender and sexual orientations, and building media literacy. Conversations around reproduction and pregnancy also tend to come up around this stage.
Teens: advanced understanding of consent, various types of sexual behavior, pleasure, safer sex practices, advanced understanding of interpersonal violence and healthy relationships, and more sophisticated media literacy.
How Do I Stay Calm When My Child Asks Uncomfortable Questions?
Uncomfortable questions can come up, and it is normal to feel some awkwardness around them. The best thing parents can do in these situations is to pause and take a breath. It is better to take the time to answer thoughtfully and calmly. Starting with phrases like “that’s a really mature question” and “I’m proud you asked me” can help to give parents time to collect their thoughts.
Practicing self-soothing and emotional regulation can be a great way to teach your kids that talking about sex is safe. Sex therapists can help parents navigate any anxiety around these conversations through role-play or practice questions.
How Do I Talk About Consent and Healthy Relationships?
Consent and respect are topics that can be introduced in everyday ways at a very young age. They are not explicitly tied to sex. Consent can be modeled by asking children if they’d like a hug before greeting them and respecting their answer. Discussing sex early and often helps children feel comfortable voicing when they do or don’t want to be touched. This increases their safety and agency, as well as teaches them to listen to and respect others’ answers. Consent education can also help to prevent abuse and violence, because kids begin to understand that unwanted touch is not okay, and that they should reach out to a trusted adult. Simple phrases like “your body belongs to you” and “it’s okay to say no” are great ways to reinforce their autonomy.
With teens, consent can be focused on sexual touch. It is important to emphasize mutual consent and respect before sex. Teaching teens about enthusiastic consent and the nuances of what should be considered non-consent is appropriate for this stage of development. With social media use, digital consent is a topic that should be introduced with older kids and teens. As sex therapists, we help parents frame these conversations through empathy and empowerment rather than fear.
What If My Child Is Hearing Misinformation from Friends or Online?
In this digital age, kids are exposed to sexual content at an earlier age than they were a decade ago, whether that is through media or peers. Many families I see as a Chicago sex counselor want tools to help their kids navigate online information responsibly. It can be helpful for parents to ask their children what they have heard or seen about the conversations being had at home. Even asking them what their friends say about various topics can build some insight into what kinds of information they are getting. When misinformation arises, it is best to address it calmly and correct it using credible sources.
How Can I Share Our Family Values Without Shaming My Child?
Parents can share their beliefs and values around sex and relationships in a way that is non-shaming. The best way to do this is by taking on a non-judgmental approach. Being non-judgmental requires an openness to alternative ways of doing things. Parents can communicate their values by using “I” statements to discuss personal or familial values rather than speaking negatively about alternative views. It is important to remember that shame often blocks communication, and one way to avoid shame is to lead with compassion. When in doubt, working with a sexuality professional can help parents express values in a way that fosters connection over fear.
Should I Wait Until They Ask, or Start the Conversation Myself?
It is often best to be proactive in approaching these conversations with kids. Many children won’t bring it up first or ask questions because they aren’t sure how their parents will react. Some may sense feelings of discomfort or judgment around the topic, which may lead to hesitation.
One great way to get the conversation started is through media, books, or even natural life events. Consider this helpful guide on using media to spark new conversations. Therapy can also be a useful tool to help parents build the confidence to start these discussions.
What If My Child Asks About My Sex Life?
Children tend to ask questions because they are curious and want to better understand relationships. While it may feel like they are prying, it is likely driven by their desire to learn more about the world around them. It can feel difficult for many parents to navigate this scenario. In my role as a Chicago sex therapist, I help parents balance honesty with appropriate privacy.
These situations can be a great opportunity to teach a child about boundaries and privacy. Responding with statements like “that’s a private part of adult relationships, but I can tell you how adults show love and respect,” conveys warmth and is non-shaming.
TLDR
Talking about sex with kids can be a tough task for parents. The best way to navigate these conversations with children is to lead with openness, curiosity, and compassion. Creating a shame-free, non-judgmental environment will provide kids with a space to ask questions and build trust. These conversations are done best when they occur often, rather than all at once. Continuing to build off of previous discussions is a great way to ensure that they are age-appropriate. For more resources, check out our comprehensive sexuality education guide.
If you’re a parent in Chicago who feels unsure about how to navigate these important talks, our team of Chicago sex therapists can help you approach these discussions with confidence and care.
