Is Sexual Fantasy Healthy? How to Use Fantasies to Boost Desire and Intimacy

As a Chicago sex therapist, one of the most common questions I hear is: “Is it okay to fantasize?” This question often comes with a mix of curiosity, shame, and worry. For some people, fantasies come easily. For others, fantasizing feels foreign, awkward, or even off-limits.

The reality is that sexual fantasy is a completely normal and healthy part of sexuality. Whether you’re single, in a long-term relationship, or exploring intimacy after a change in life stage, fantasy can play an important role in reconnecting with desire and pleasure.

In this article, we’ll explore why sexual fantasies matter, how they can benefit your intimacy, and practical ways to start fantasizing if it doesn’t come naturally to you.

What Is a Sexual Fantasy?

A sexual fantasy is simply a thought, image, or scenario that creates erotic excitement. Fantasies can range from imagining a romantic, sensual moment with a partner to envisioning scenarios that you would never act out in real life.

Importantly, fantasies are not the same as real-life desires. Many people fantasize about situations they would never want to pursue outside of their imagination. This is one reason why fantasies can be so freeing: they’re a mental space to play, without consequences.

Why Do People Fantasize?

Research shows that nearly everyone has sexual fantasies, regardless of gender, age, or relationship status. Fantasies serve many purposes, including:

• Stimulating arousal: Fantasies can help the body respond when desire feels low.

• Reducing anxiety: Focusing on an erotic image or story can quiet distracting thoughts that interfere with sexual pleasure.

• Exploring identity: Fantasies allow people to try on different roles or explore aspects of themselves in a safe way.

• Enhancing partnered intimacy: When shared (with consent and comfort), fantasies can spark new conversations and closeness in relationships.

The Benefits of Fantasy for Your Sexual Health

For many of our clients, fantasy becomes a tool for healing and growth. Here are some of the benefits we often explore in sex therapy:

Reducing Performance Pressure

If you struggle with anxiety during sex, fantasies can help you shift focus away from “Am I doing this right?” toward erotic imagery that feels exciting. This mental shift can make it easier to stay present and experience pleasure.

Boosting Sexual Desire

Fantasies can reignite interest when desire feels flat. They work like a spark for your erotic imagination, offering new ideas and sensations that the body can respond to. This can be especially helpful for couples navigating loss of intimacy or low libido.

Enhancing Partner Connection

While not all fantasies need to be shared, some couples find that talking about them creates intimacy and trust. Even if you never act out the fantasy, sharing it can help you and your partner better understand each other’s inner worlds.

Healing from Shame and Dysfunction

For those dealing with sexual dysfunction, trauma, or shame, fantasy can be a safe entry point into sexual exploration. Imagining a pleasurable scenario provides a sense of control that real-life intimacy sometimes lacks.

How to Start Fantasizing

Not everyone finds fantasizing easy. Some people worry they “don’t have an imagination,” while others feel blocked by shame or religious or cultural beliefs. If that’s you, here are some steps to begin experimenting with fantasy:

1. Start with Memory

Think back to a time when you felt desired, attractive, or deeply connected. Replay that memory in your mind and allow it to expand into a new imagined scenario.

2. Use Your Senses

Fantasies don’t need to be cinematic. Start by imagining touch, sound, or smell that excites you. For example, the warmth of skin, the sound of breath, or the scent of your partner’s cologne.

3. Try Erotic Media

Erotic short stories, romance novels, or audio erotica can help spark ideas when your own imagination feels blank. Reading or listening can lower the pressure of “making up” something yourself.

4. Focus on Themes, Not Scripts

Instead of creating a detailed storyline, think about a theme that excites you, like adventure, seduction, or tenderness. Let the details fill themselves in naturally.

5. Release Judgment

Fantasies often don’t align with real-life desires, values, or behaviors. That doesn’t make them wrong. Your imagination is a safe place to explore, with no rules.

Common Questions About Fantasy

Is it normal to fantasize about things I don’t want in real life?

Yes. Most people fantasize about scenarios they wouldn’t act on. Fantasy is symbolic and exploratory, not a blueprint for your actual choices.

What if I can’t fantasize at all?

This is more common than you think. Sometimes, anxiety, depression, or trauma makes fantasizing difficult. Working with a sex therapist can help you explore these blocks in a supportive way.

Will sharing fantasies with my partner hurt our relationship?

It depends on how you share them. Approach the conversation with curiosity, not pressure. If your partner isn’t interested in hearing or acting on a fantasy, that’s okay. Talking about fantasies is about connection, not performance.

When to Seek Support

If fantasizing brings up guilt, shame, or confusion, or if you find yourself unable to access fantasies at all, therapy may be a helpful step. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, we help individuals and couples explore fantasies, reconnect with intimacy, and work through concerns like low libido, sexual dysfunction, and loss of desire. You can read more about our work with erectile dysfunction and loss of intimacy, both of which can benefit from integrating fantasy as part of treatment.

TLDR

Sexual fantasy is a natural, healthy part of human sexuality. It can reduce anxiety, boost desire, and bring new energy into your intimate life. Whether you’re imagining something tender or something bold, fantasies offer a private, safe space for pleasure and exploration.

If you’re ready to explore your erotic imagination but aren’t sure where to begin, remember: fantasy is a skill you can practice. And if you need support along the way, our team of Chicago sex therapists at Embrace Sexual Wellness is here to help and are licensed to practice in Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Idaho and Louisiana.

Why Do I Feel Shame Around Sex, and How Can I Overcome It?

Why Do I Feel Shame Around Sex, and How Can I Overcome It?

Shame around sex is something many people carry quietly, sometimes for years. Maybe you find yourself pulling away from intimacy, feeling anxious in the bedroom, or avoiding conversations with your partner because sex feels too uncomfortable to talk about. You may even wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

The truth is, nothing is wrong with you. Sexual shame is incredibly common and it can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, or relationship status. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, many of the individuals and couples we work with come to therapy because shame has created distance in their intimate lives. And while shame can feel heavy, it’s also something you can work through with the right support.

In this post, we’ll explore why so many people experience shame around sex and what you can do to begin moving toward healing and self-acceptance.

Understanding Sexual Shame

Sexual shame is the feeling that your desires, your body, or your experiences of intimacy are “bad,” “dirty,” or “wrong.” It’s often rooted in messages we’ve internalized, sometimes so deeply that we don’t even realize they’re there.

These messages can sound like:

• “Good girls/boys don’t do that.”

• “Men should always want sex.”

• “Wanting pleasure makes you selfish.”

• “Talking about sex is embarrassing or inappropriate.”

Over time, beliefs like these create a cycle of guilt and silence. Instead of experiencing intimacy as something natural and enjoyable, you may approach it with anxiety, fear, or self-criticism.

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?

Shame around sex usually doesn’t appear out of nowhere— it’s shaped by the environments and systems we grow up in. Here are some of the most common sources:

Family and Early Upbringing

If you grew up in a household where sex was never discussed, or where it was framed as “dirty” or “bad,” those early messages can stick with you. Even if no one said the words directly, a lack of conversation can signal that sex is something to feel secretive about.

Religion or Cultural Beliefs

Many people grew up in religious or cultural settings where sex was tied to morality. You may have been taught that certain desires are sinful, or that sex outside of marriage is wrong. These beliefs can cause lasting conflict between your values and your natural curiosity or desire.

Societal Expectations and Gender Roles

Society sends strong, often contradictory messages about sex. Men are expected to always be ready for intimacy, while women are often shamed for wanting it “too much.” For LGBTQIA+ folks, kinky communities, or people in non-traditional relationships, the stigma can feel even heavier.

Past Trauma or Negative Experiences

Experiences such as sexual trauma, betrayal, or even painful early encounters can reinforce shame. When intimacy becomes linked with fear or hurt, it makes sense that you might struggle to feel safe, open, or confident in your body.

How Shame Affects Your Intimacy and Relationships

Sexual shame doesn’t just stay in your head. It can ripple into every part of your intimate life and affect your relationship. Some ways it might show up include:

• Avoidance of intimacy: You may pull away from your partner or avoid sex entirely.

• Performance anxiety: Worrying about “doing it right” instead of being present.

• Difficulty communicating: Feeling embarrassed or fearful about sharing your needs.

• Disconnection in relationships: When shame blocks honesty, it often creates distance.

• Low desire or arousal: Shame can shut down your body’s natural responses.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These struggles are exactly why many people seek out sex therapy to untangle the shame that gets in the way of connection and pleasure.

How to Begin Overcoming Sexual Shame

Healing from sexual shame takes time, but it is possible. The goal isn’t to erase the past, but to create new experiences that allow you to feel safe, authentic, and connected in your intimacy. Here are some steps that can help:

Recognize the Source

Start by noticing where your shame comes from. Was it an early message from your family? A cultural or religious teaching? A negative experience? Simply naming the source of shame can loosen its grip and remind you that it doesn’t define you.

Challenge Shame-Based Beliefs

Ask yourself: Is this belief true, or is it something I was taught to believe? For example, “I shouldn’t talk about what I like” can be reframed as “Sharing my desires helps my partner understand me and creates deeper intimacy.”

Practice Self-Compassion

Healing requires gentleness with yourself. If shame shows up, try replacing self-criticism with kindness and compassion for yourself. Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is common and that you’re allowed to want pleasure and connection.

Communicate with Your Partner

Shame grows in silence. While it may feel scary, opening up to your partner about your feelings can reduce isolation and build trust. You don’t need to share everything at once; start small and notice how honesty shifts the dynamic between you.

Explore Mindfulness and Body Awareness

Shame often pulls you out of the moment and into self-judgment. Practices like mindfulness, grounding, or breath work can help you reconnect with your body in non-judgmental ways, making it easier to stay present during intimacy.

Seek Professional Support

Sometimes shame feels too heavy to navigate alone. Working with a sex therapist can give you tools, guidance, and a safe space to process your experiences. Therapy can help you rewrite the story you’ve been told about your sexuality and build new, empowering narratives.

How Therapy Can Help with Sexual Shame

We specialize in helping individuals and couples who are struggling with sexual shame, low desire, and intimacy challenges. In therapy, you’ll find a supportive space where nothing is “too much” or “too taboo” to talk about. Our therapists use evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and mindfulness to help you:

• Untangle shame from your sense of self

• Identify and shift shame-based beliefs

• Rebuild intimacy and trust with your partner

• Learn healthier ways to express needs and desires

• Move toward confidence, pleasure, and connection

Shame doesn’t have to define your intimate life. With support, you can replace shame with self-acceptance and begin creating the fulfilling connections you deserve.

TLDR

If you’ve ever thought, “Something is wrong with me because of how I feel about sex,” you are not alone. Shame around sexuality is incredibly common, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. With compassion, awareness, and support, you can learn to let go of shame and reclaim intimacy as a source of joy and connection.

If you’re ready to start this journey, our team of sex therapists are here to help. We see clients in-person at our Chicago office and virtually in Illinois, Indiana, Idaho, Louisiana, and Kansas.

Schedule a free 10-minute consultation today and take the first step toward healing your relationship with intimacy and yourself.

What Happens to Your Sex Life After a Loss?

Grief changes us. It doesn’t just affect our emotions or thoughts, it can impact every aspect of how we move through the world, including our sexuality. While we often talk about how grief shapes mental health or daily functioning, conversations about its effect on intimacy and sexual expression are less common, yet equally important.

At Embrace Sexual Wellness, our team of sex therapists work with individuals and couples navigating the complex ways loss shows up in their relationships and their bodies. Whether you're grieving the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a health diagnosis, or the loss of a long-held identity, these experiences can deeply influence how you connect with yourself and others.

How Does Grief Affect Your Sex Life and Intimacy?

Grief can stem from many forms of loss, not just bereavement. It might come from a divorce, a miscarriage, infertility, the onset of chronic illness, or even the loss of a life you once envisioned for yourself. Regardless of the source, grief can leave a lasting imprint on your nervous system, which directly influences how safe and present you feel in your body, and that’s central to sexuality.

One common experience during grief is a significant decrease in sexual desire. The body’s natural response to stress, sadness, and emotional overwhelm can make it difficult to feel sensual or intimate. When your nervous system is focused on survival, connection and pleasure often take a back seat.

Others may feel a kind of emotional numbness that makes it hard to engage in physical intimacy. It's not uncommon to feel disconnected from your body or to go through the motions without feeling present. Some people experience guilt when they begin to feel desire again, as if experiencing pleasure somehow dishonors the person or life they’re grieving.

On the other hand, grief can sometimes heighten the need for closeness or physical contact. For some, sex becomes a way to cope, to feel alive, to escape, or to re-establish a sense of connection. There’s no single “right” response. What matters is understanding how your grief is influencing your relationship to your body and intimacy.

Navigating Grief in a Relationship

When you're in a relationship, grief doesn’t occur in a vacuum; it can shift the dynamics between you and your partner. One person might pull away from sex while the other seeks it out for comfort. These different responses can create tension, misunderstanding, or even resentment if not openly acknowledged.

A couples therapist can help support parnters in making space for these differences. Our providers help couples talk about what’s happening emotionally and physically without judgment, so you can rebuild intimacy in a way that honors each person's needs and pace.

Communication becomes a vital tool. Being able to say, “I’m feeling shut down lately and don’t know how to ask for what I need,” or “I miss the closeness we used to have, but I’m also afraid to rush things,” can begin to bridge the gap between you and your partner. These aren’t easy conversations, but they’re essential for healing together.

Reclaiming Intimacy After Loss

There is no timeline for when or how grief should resolve, and no rulebook for how you should feel about sex in the aftermath. Some people feel ready to reconnect with their bodies and their partners after a few weeks; for others, it might take months or even years. That’s okay.

One of the most healing things you can do is allow yourself to be exactly where you are. You may find comfort in small gestures (e.g., holding hands, cuddling, sharing quiet time without expectations). These forms of non-sexual touch can be powerful stepping stones back to connection.

Some people find that practices like mindfulness, breathwork, or gentle movement help them feel more grounded in their bodies. These approaches can support the slow rebuilding of bodily awareness and sensation after a period of disconnection.

At our practice, we frequently guide clients through this reawakening process with compassion and patience. Whether you're coming in alone or as a couple, we provide a space where your grief and your sexuality can coexist without shame.

Grieving the Loss of Sexual Functioning and Intimacy

Grief doesn’t only arise from the loss of people, it can also stem from changes in how we experience our own bodies. For many individuals, sexual functioning concerns like erectile dysfunction (ED), prostate cancer and breast cancer, or other medical conditions can lead to a profound sense of loss. The grief that follows may not be widely talked about, but it’s very real.

These changes can impact not just physical intimacy, but also self-image, confidence, and emotional closeness with a partner. Sex therapy can be very helpful for couples facing these challenges to process the grief of what’s been lost and explore new, meaningful ways to connect. Whether you're navigating a medical diagnosis or adjusting to a new phase in your sexual life, support is available and healing is possible.

When Grief Is Complicated by Trauma

In some cases, grief is tangled up with trauma such as sudden loss, medical complications, or abusive dynamics. This can trigger deeper nervous system responses like panic, shutdown, or dissociation during sex. If you’re experiencing flashbacks, anxiety, or intense fear around intimacy, know that you’re not broken. These are trauma responses, not personal failures.

Our team of sex therapists take a trauma-informed approach and are trained to work gently with these experiences. We’re here to help you rebuild trust with your body and your sense of safety, one step at a time.

You Deserve Support

Grief affects every part of life, including areas we’re often told to keep private, like our sex lives. But sexuality is part of your humanity, and it deserves care, even in the midst of loss.

If you’re in Chicagoland or one of the states we’re licensed in, our team of compassionate sex therapists is here to support you through the complex, often painful terrain of grieving while honoring your need for connection, pleasure, and healing. Whether you’re trying to rediscover desire, strengthen a relationship, or simply make sense of what you're feeling, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

We believe grief and intimacy aren’t mutually exclusive. They can exist side by side and when held with care, both can lead you toward deeper self-understanding and more authentic connection.

If you're ready to start therapy, we're here to help...

Reach out today to schedule a consultation with one of our experienced relationship counselors or sex therapists. Let’s get started together.