As a Chicago sex therapist, one of the most common questions I hear is: “Is it okay to fantasize?” This question often comes with a mix of curiosity, shame, and worry. For some people, fantasies come easily. For others, fantasizing feels foreign, awkward, or even off-limits.
The reality is that sexual fantasy is a completely normal and healthy part of sexuality. Whether you’re single, in a long-term relationship, or exploring intimacy after a change in life stage, fantasy can play an important role in reconnecting with desire and pleasure.
In this article, we’ll explore why sexual fantasies matter, how they can benefit your intimacy, and practical ways to start fantasizing if it doesn’t come naturally to you.
What Is a Sexual Fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is simply a thought, image, or scenario that creates erotic excitement. Fantasies can range from imagining a romantic, sensual moment with a partner to envisioning scenarios that you would never act out in real life.
Importantly, fantasies are not the same as real-life desires. Many people fantasize about situations they would never want to pursue outside of their imagination. This is one reason why fantasies can be so freeing: they’re a mental space to play, without consequences.
Why Do People Fantasize?
Research shows that nearly everyone has sexual fantasies, regardless of gender, age, or relationship status. Fantasies serve many purposes, including:
Stimulating arousal: Fantasies can help the body respond when desire feels low.
Reducing anxiety: Focusing on an erotic image or story can quiet distracting thoughts that interfere with sexual pleasure.
Exploring identity: Fantasies allow people to try on different roles or explore aspects of themselves in a safe way.
Enhancing partnered intimacy: When shared (with consent and comfort), fantasies can spark new conversations and closeness in relationships.
The Benefits of Fantasy for Your Sexual Health
For many of our clients, fantasy becomes a tool for healing and growth. Here are some of the benefits we often explore in sex therapy:
Reducing Performance Pressure
If you struggle with anxiety during sex, fantasies can help you shift focus away from “Am I doing this right?” toward erotic imagery that feels exciting. This mental shift can make it easier to stay present and experience pleasure.
Boosting Sexual Desire
Fantasies can reignite interest when desire feels flat. They work like a spark for your erotic imagination, offering new ideas and sensations that the body can respond to. This can be especially helpful for couples navigating loss of intimacy or low libido.
Enhancing Partner Connection
While not all fantasies need to be shared, some couples find that talking about them creates intimacy and trust. Even if you never act out the fantasy, sharing it can help you and your partner better understand each other’s inner worlds.
Healing from Shame and Dysfunction
For those dealing with sexual dysfunction, trauma, or shame, fantasy can be a safe entry point into sexual exploration. Imagining a pleasurable scenario provides a sense of control that real-life intimacy sometimes lacks.
How to Start Fantasizing
Not everyone finds fantasizing easy. Some people worry they “don’t have an imagination,” while others feel blocked by shame or religious or cultural beliefs. If that’s you, here are some steps to begin experimenting with fantasy:
1. Start with Memory
Think back to a time when you felt desired, attractive, or deeply connected. Replay that memory in your mind and allow it to expand into a new imagined scenario.
2. Use Your Senses
Fantasies don’t need to be cinematic. Start by imagining touch, sound, or smell that excites you. For example, the warmth of skin, the sound of breath, or the scent of your partner’s cologne.
3. Try Erotic Media
Erotic short stories, romance novels, or audio erotica can help spark ideas when your own imagination feels blank. Reading or listening can lower the pressure of “making up” something yourself.
4. Focus on Themes, Not Scripts
Instead of creating a detailed storyline, think about a theme that excites you, like adventure, seduction, or tenderness. Let the details fill themselves in naturally.
5. Release Judgment
Fantasies often don’t align with real-life desires, values, or behaviors. That doesn’t make them wrong. Your imagination is a safe place to explore, with no rules.
Common Questions About Fantasy
Is it normal to fantasize about things I don’t want in real life?
Yes. Most people fantasize about scenarios they wouldn’t act on. Fantasy is symbolic and exploratory, not a blueprint for your actual choices.
What if I can’t fantasize at all?
This is more common than you think. Sometimes, anxiety, depression, or trauma makes fantasizing difficult. Working with a sex therapist can help you explore these blocks in a supportive way.
Will sharing fantasies with my partner hurt our relationship?
It depends on how you share them. Approach the conversation with curiosity, not pressure. If your partner isn’t interested in hearing or acting on a fantasy, that’s okay. Talking about fantasies is about connection, not performance.
When to Seek Support
If fantasizing brings up guilt, shame, or confusion, or if you find yourself unable to access fantasies at all, therapy may be a helpful step. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, we help individuals and couples explore fantasies, reconnect with intimacy, and work through concerns like low libido, sexual dysfunction, and loss of desire. You can read more about our work with erectile dysfunction and loss of intimacy, both of which can benefit from integrating fantasy as part of treatment.
TLDR
Sexual fantasy is a natural, healthy part of human sexuality. It can reduce anxiety, boost desire, and bring new energy into your intimate life. Whether you’re imagining something tender or something bold, fantasies offer a private, safe space for pleasure and exploration.
If you’re ready to explore your erotic imagination but aren’t sure where to begin, remember: fantasy is a skill you can practice. And if you need support along the way, our team of Chicago sex therapists at Embrace Sexual Wellness is here to help and are licensed to practice in Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Idaho and Louisiana.
