Curiosity about consensual non-monogamy (CNM), sometimes called “open relationships,” “swinging,” or “polyamory” has grown significantly in recent years. Many couples ask themselves: Could this work for us?
As Chicago relationship and sex therapists, we often work with couples exploring CNM for the first time. Some are motivated by adventure, while others seek new ways to deepen honesty and intimacy. Opening a relationship requires intentional planning, self-reflection, and clear communication. Here’s what you should know, and how therapy can help.
What is Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM)?
Consensual non-monogamy refers to relationships in which all partners agree that romantic or sexual connections outside the primary partnership are allowed. Consensual non-monogamy can take many forms, each with its own set of dynamics, boundaries, and emotional considerations. Common types include:
Open Relationships: Partners maintain a primary emotional bond but may engage sexually with others outside the relationship.
Polyamory: Emotional or romantic relationships with multiple partners are permitted, with the consent of everyone involved. This can range from hierarchical structures (primary and secondary partners) to more egalitarian networks of relationships.
Swinging: Couples engage in sexual activities with others, often socially or in organized events, usually without forming romantic attachments.
Relationship Anarchy: Individuals form relationships based on personal preference rather than predefined labels or hierarchy. Agreements are flexible and based on mutual consent.
Solo Polyamory: Individuals have multiple romantic or sexual relationships without a primary partnership, prioritizing independence and autonomy.
Hierarchical vs. Non-Hierarchical Polyamory: Some polyamorous arrangements include a “primary” partnership with secondary relationships, while others treat all partners equally, depending on each couple’s values and needs.
Hybrid or Custom CNM Structures: Many couples develop personalized agreements that blend different CNM models to fit their unique needs, such as limited sexual exploration outside the relationship or emotional openness without sexual involvement.
Each type of CNM comes with different emotional and logistical considerations. Understanding which structure aligns with your values, comfort level, and relationship goals is a crucial first step.
Why Couples Explore CNM
People explore CNM for different reasons: to expand sexual experiences, test personal or relational boundaries, or increase honesty and intimacy in the relationship. Each couple’s agreements and structure may be unique, so understanding your motivations before starting is crucial.
Key Considerations Before Opening Your Relationship
Understanding Your Motivations
Ask yourselves why you want to explore CNM. Are you looking to:
Explore sexual variety?
Deepen emotional intimacy?
Challenge personal or relational limits?
Being clear about your intentions can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings later.
Preparing for Jealousy and Emotional Responses
Jealousy is common, even in consensual non-monogamy. Anticipating and discussing it before it arises makes it more manageable. Consider:
What triggers feelings of insecurity?
How do you typically respond to jealousy?
What support do you need from your partner when jealous feelings arise?
Cultivating Compersion
Compersion, feeling joy when your partner experiences pleasure with someone else, is a skill that can grow with practice. Start by noticing moments when your partner enjoys intimacy with others and consciously acknowledging those moments without judgment.
Communication Strategies for Open Relationships
Clear, ongoing communication is essential. Topics to discuss include:
Boundaries: What is allowed and what isn’t?
Frequency: How often will external relationships occur?
Disclosure: How much will you share about outside partners?
Safe sex: How will you protect yourself and each other?
Setting Agreements
Every CNM relationship benefits from clear boundaries. Some examples:
Only engaging sexually while using barrier methods.
Not introducing external partners to your home or children.
Limits on time spent with other partners.
These agreements create structure and safety, not restrictions. They are flexible and can evolve with time.
Who Consensual Non-Monogamy May Not Be For
While CNM can be fulfilling for some couples, it’s not a solution for every relationship. Certain circumstances or personality traits may make non-monogamy more challenging or even harmful. CNM may not be a good fit if:
You have unresolved trust issues: If trust is fragile or past betrayals haven’t been processed, adding external partners can intensify anxiety and conflict.
You struggle with jealousy management: Feeling intense or frequent jealousy without the tools to process it can create distress rather than growth.
You or your partner are exploring CNM as a “fix”: Using non-monogamy to solve ongoing relationship problems, like low desire, poor communication, or emotional distance, usually leads to disappointment rather than resolution.
You have incompatible values: If one partner is opposed to CNM or has strong beliefs that make participation emotionally unsafe, it can undermine the relationship.
You’re not ready for ongoing communication: CNM requires continuous, honest conversations about boundaries, desires, and emotional responses. Without willingness to engage in these discussions, the experience can be destabilizing.
A sex and relationship therapist can help you explore whether CNM aligns with your values, readiness, and relationship goals. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, we provide guidance to ensure that couples make informed, intentional choices about opening their relationship.
How a Sex Therapist Can Help Before Opening Up
Clarifying Intentions and Goals
A therapist can help each partner explore their motivations, values, and expectations for CNM, ensuring that the choice aligns with both individual and relational goals.
Preparing for Emotional Challenges
Therapy provides tools to anticipate and manage jealousy, anxiety, or unexpected emotional responses that may arise in non-monogamous arrangements.
Improving Communication Skills
Couples learn strategies for expressing needs, negotiating boundaries, and discussing feelings in ways that promote trust and intimacy rather than conflict.
Providing a Safe, Neutral Space
CNM conversations can bring up intense emotions. A relationship therapist offers a neutral, supportive space to explore desires, fears, and boundaries without judgment.
Practical Steps to Start Exploring CNM
Self-Reflection Exercises
Take time individually to explore your comfort levels, emotional triggers, and desires. Journaling or therapy sessions can provide clarity.
Setting Clear Agreements with Your Partner
Write down boundaries, rules, and expectations together. Revisit them regularly as feelings and needs change.
Starting Small and Low-Risk
Begin with low-risk experiences, such as discussing fantasies or attending social events without sexual involvement, before diving into sexual encounters.
Regular Check-Ins and Adjustments
Frequent check-ins allow each partner to express feelings, renegotiate boundaries, and make adjustments to agreements as necessary.
Recommended Resources
Educating yourself through books, podcasts, and communities can help normalize experiences and provide guidance:
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
Common Questions About CNM
Is Jealousy a Sign CNM Isn’t Right for Me?
Not necessarily. Jealousy is a natural emotion. What matters is whether you can process it constructively, discuss it openly, and support each other through it.
How Can I Practice Compersion?
Start small. Notice your partner’s joy with others and acknowledge it without judgment. With practice, this can grow into genuine feelings of happiness for your partner’s experiences.
What If My Partner Wants CNM but I Don’t?
Differing desires are common. Therapy can help explore feelings, negotiate boundaries, and determine whether CNM is compatible with your relationship.
TLDR
Consensual non-monogamy can be fulfilling for some couples, but it requires preparation, self-awareness, and communication. Working with a sex therapist can provide guidance through jealousy, compersion, boundaries, and emotional challenges, ensuring that your relationship remains strong and connected.
If you and your partner are considering CNM or are navigating challenges in an open relationship, therapy at Embrace Sexual Wellness offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore desires, set boundaries, and build emotional resilience.
