How to talk with your elementary school child about sex

Talking to kids about sex and sexual health can be an uncomfortable topic for many parents and it is hard to know how to approach it appropriately. However, open and honest communication is essential for their understanding and well-being. Sex is a fundamental part of being human and the sooner kids understand concepts like consent and safer sex practices, the better equipped they will be to navigate their relationships responsibly. Of course, there are developmentally appropriate ways to speak about sex and sex-related topics so you do not necessarily need to be talking to your kindergartener about birth control, for example. In this blog, we will provide tips for having developmentally appropriate conversations about sex and sexual health with elementary-age kids.

Which sex-related topics are appropriate for elementary school kids?

When it comes to discussing sex-related topics with elementary school kids, it is important to approach the conversation with developmentally appropriate information. The priority when speaking to young kids about sex is to provide a strong foundation for comprehensive sex education in the long term. Some topics to start with are body parts, reproduction, gender and identity, and consent.   

Body Parts

Before you can discuss anything else, a child must have the vocabulary to express and understand sexual health. Avoid euphemisms for genitalia and instead use anatomically correct terminology like penis, testicles, vulva, and vagina. This helps to de-stigmatize these words. AmazeJr for Kids: Help kids learn about their bodies [with Tusky & Friends] and Advocates for Youth have helpful resources on body parts.

Reproduction

Reproduction is fundamental to human existence; it is why sex exists in the first place. Therefore, this is an essential topic to cover from a young age. When discussing reproduction with young kids, you do not have to go into graphic detail but you can share the basic facts. An example of when this might come up is if someone the child knows gets pregnant. We recommend this guide from Planned Parenthood and this roundup of children's books for talking to kids about pregnancy.

Gender & Sexual Identity

When discussing gender and sexual identity with kids, you can introduce the concepts of gender, different sexualities, and pronouns. This may require you to assess some of your own biases and knowledge limitations, and you should educate yourself before introducing these concepts to a child. An example of when this might come up is if the child themself is questioning their gender and/or sexuality, or if a classmate comes out as queer. Gender Spectrum and Sex Positive Families have some useful resources for talking about gender and sexual identities.      

Consent & Bodily Autonomy

Consent and bodily autonomy are integral subjects to cover since they are relevant beyond a sexual context. Kids should understand how to respect and communicate personal boundaries. Explain that everyone has the right to say “no” to unwanted physical contact and that it is important to ask for permission before touching someone else. An example of when this might come up is giving and receiving hugs from peers. Consent at Every Age by Harvard and My Space, Your Space are some great resources to explore.

How do I make the conversation accessible and comfortable?

Once you know what you need to talk about, you might still be unsure of how to convey this information effectively. Here are some recommendations to guide your approach to these conversations. 

1. Utilize external resources like books and videos.

A daunting part of talking about these topics is that you yourself might not feel equipped or knowledgeable enough to teach a child. Fortunately, there are tons of resources available to educate both you and your child including these created by Amaze and Planned Parenthood.

• For kids who are curious about queerness, consider these resources for Families of LGBTQ+ People - PFLAG NYC

• For questions about changing bodies and puberty, consider this guide from Planned Parenthood

• For questions about pregnancy and birth, consider this resource from Advocates for Youth 

If you are still feeling uncertain about approaching these subjects with your child, consider reaching out to a sexuality educator who can give you more specific guidance and support.

2. Be open, non-judgmental, and inclusive.

A central goal of having these conversations with your child should be to position yourself as a safe person for them to come to with sex and body-related questions and problems throughout their development. By encouraging their curiosity, speaking non-judgmentally, and providing education that accounts for a variety of sexualities and gender identities, you can encourage your child to be comfortable coming to you with questions and problems in the long term. 

For example, perhaps down the line your child will question their sexuality and that often comes with a fear of rejection from loved ones. If you have made it clear that you are accepting and non-judgmental, they are more likely to come to you while navigating their self-discovery. In this scenario, you can first make sure they know that you love and support them no matter how they identify. Then, if they would like to have a conversation about it, let them take the lead and share what they feel comfortable with. Finally, you can offer them resources like videos, books, support groups, and the opportunity to talk with LGBTQ+ adults in your life.        

3. Utilize everyday opportunities.

In your daily life, there are bound to be prompts to discuss key concepts with your child. For example, if someone in your family’s life becomes pregnant, you can use that opportunity to explain how babies are made with your child.  

Having open and honest conversations with kids about sex and sexual health is crucial for their understanding, well-being, and ability to navigate the world responsibly. While these conversations may feel uncomfortable or challenging for parents, they will provide your child with the knowledge and skills they need to navigate sexual health and relationships healthily and confidently. On that note, what about when your child is uncomfortable? If your child does express that they are uncomfortable, that is a boundary that should be respected. First of all, you can try to give them some agency by asking if a different time or location for the conversation would be more comfortable. If they still refuse, as is their right, you can provide them access to educational resources and try again in a few weeks.  

Resources for Ongoing Learning

It is impossible to cover every subject and the nuances of these conversations in depth in one article so this is not a comprehensive guide. Here are some resources for further learning:

• Tips for Talking to Your Kids About Sex & Relationships 

• Handling the Birds and the Bees: How to Have the 'Sex Talk' With Your Kids 

• When and How to Talk to Kids About Sex | Psychology Today 

• How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex 

• Talk to Your Kids About Sex and Healthy Relationships - MyHealthfinder | health.gov  

• How to talk to kids about sex: An age-by-age guide to sex education for parents 

• When To Talk To Your Child About Sexual Health - Mayo Clinic Press 

• Queer Kid Stuff

• Ask Roo | The Sexual Health Chatbot from Planned Parenthood

• Parents’ Checklist to Support Their Children’s Sex Education

• The case for starting sex ed in kindergarten (hula hoops recommended)

• Amaze Sex Education for Kids - Resources for Parents

How to Overcome Emotional Gridlock in a Relationship

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Emotional gridlock is a state of emotional impasse that many partners encounter in their relationships. It often arises from unresolved conflicts and differences that become entrenched over time, leaving partners feeling stuck and disconnected. In this blog post, we will delve into the concept of emotional gridlock, explore how to overcome it and provide insights into managing conflict and perpetual problems that can strain relationships.

Understanding Emotional Gridlock

Emotional gridlock is a complex state where partners find themselves unable to resolve ongoing conflicts, resulting in a sense of frustration, distance, and even resentment. This occurs when discussions about certain topics lead to an emotional standoff, preventing any meaningful progress. It's crucial to recognize that feeling stuck in gridlock doesn't mean your relationship is doomed – rather, it's an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding.

What Can Cause Gridlock?

Unmet Expectations. When partners have different expectations about the relationship, conflicts can arise as these expectations clash. For example, expectations surrounding the balance between supporting your desired lifestyle through building your career and working long hours, while also meeting the expectation of prioritizing sexual intimacy in your relationship.

Unresolved Past Issues. Lingering resentments from past arguments or events can contribute to emotional gridlock. For example, a betrayal of trust due to one partner sharing confidential information about the relationship without permission of the other.

Lack of Compromise. Inflexibility and an unwillingness to find a middle ground can lead to perpetual problems and gridlock. For example, the battle over household responsibilities that never seems to feel fair or even.

What if Our Problem Persists?

Perpetual problems are those recurring conflicts that seem to defy resolution. They can range from differences in parenting styles to financial concerns and more. These problems become even more challenging to address when negative sentiment override comes into play. Negative sentiment override occurs when the emotional connection between partners erodes, causing neutral or positive interactions to be interpreted negatively. This further exacerbates emotional gridlock.

How to Get Unstuck From Emotional Gridlock

Learning how to get unstuck from emotional gridlock is paramount for the health and longevity of any relationship. When left unaddressed, emotional gridlock can fester and erode the foundation of a partnership, leading to increased distance, resentment, and dissatisfaction. Getting unstuck is essential because it empowers partners to break free from unproductive patterns, fostering a deeper understanding and connection. By honing skills to navigate and overcome emotional gridlock, couples can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth, ultimately strengthening their bond and creating a more resilient, fulfilling relationship. Follow these tips to help you get unstuck!

Foster Open and Honest Communication

The foundation of any successful relationship is communication. To overcome emotional gridlock, both partners must be willing to engage in open, non-judgmental conversations. This requires active listening and empathy, as well as the ability to express feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment.

Identify Underlying Issues

Often, emotional gridlock arises from perpetual problems, which are ongoing issues that have no clear solution. Identifying the underlying needs, fears, and desires associated with these problems can help uncover the true source of the conflict and pave the way for more productive conversations.

Normalize Respectful Disagreement

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it's how you manage conflict that matters. Instead of aiming to eliminate all disagreements, focus on finding ways to manage them constructively. This involves respecting each other's perspectives and finding compromises that acknowledge both partners' needs.

Cultivate Emotional Awareness

Recognize when you're slipping into emotional gridlock. Pay attention to your emotions and thoughts during conversations. Are you feeling defensive? Are you assuming negative intent from your partner's words? Developing emotional awareness can help you step back from unhelpful patterns.

Practice Patience & Empathy

Overcoming gridlock takes time. Practice patience and empathy toward your partner's perspective. Avoid blaming or criticizing, and instead, focus on understanding their point of view.

Seek Professional Help

Sometimes, emotional gridlock can be deeply rooted and challenging to address on your own. Seeking support from a relationship therapist can provide a neutral space for productive discussions and offer tools to navigate through gridlock.

Takeaway

Emotional gridlock is a challenging yet surmountable obstacle in relationships. By understanding its nature, learning how to manage conflict, and practicing effective communication, partners can untangle themselves from feeling stuck and rediscover the emotional connection that brought them together. Remember, overcoming gridlock is a journey that requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to growth, all of which can ultimately lead to a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Boundaries: What they are and how to set them

Boundaries are a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. In an ideal scenario they are tools to make sure everyone involved in a relationship feels safe and comfortable. Boundaries are setting limits put in place to protect yourself from harm and distress. Boundaries exist in opposition to the concept of rules, which are restrictions put on others in an attempt to control someone else and are not part of a healthy relationship dynamic. In short, boundaries are “I will” and rules are “you won’t.”

What are healthy boundaries and how do I set them?   

Boundaries are relevant across various parts of our lives and there are five types including physical, time, emotional, material, and sexual. You are not obligated to justify why you have a given boundary but it does not hurt to give the context if you feel so compelled. Here is a brief description of each type of boundary:

Physical: boundaries that include personal space, physical touch, and physical needs like rest. Example: I don’t like hugs, can I offer you a handshake?

Time: boundaries that protect how you spend your time and how much of it goes to different types of commitments. Example: I cannot stay at work beyond my scheduled hours.

Emotional: boundaries that respect your feelings, energy, and emotional labor. Example: Spending quality time together is important for my emotional wellbeing, can we set aside a night to hang out without using our phones?

Material: boundaries that refer to your expectations around sharing items and possessions. Example: You can borrow my car during my work hours, but outside of work hours I need to be able to access it. 

Sexual: boundaries that define the type of sexual intimacy you want, how often, when, where, and with whom. Example: Let’s take time to get to know each other before engaging in physical intimacy. 

It is important to remember that the most effective boundaries reflect each individual's values and needs. With that in mind, let’s consider some reflection questions that may help you determine your boundaries in your relationships:

• How do you want to be touched and by whom? How do you want your family to physically interact with you, if at all? What about friends? Coworkers?

• How can you structure your time so you can attend to your responsibilities and also fulfill your own needs? How much alone time do you need, if any? How much time do you want to invest in sectors of your life like work, friendships, romance, etc.? 

• Are there any topics that make you feel uncomfortable to discuss and what are they? How does that comfort vary based on who you are with? Do you need to set different conversational boundaries for different relationships? Do you have any triggering topics you may want to set boundaries around?

• Do your social media feeds make you feel good? If not, what could be eliminated or added to change that? How do you consume news, and do you find that your consumption of it is more effective than it is draining? What role does media consumption play in your life? Is there any way it could be improved? How does consuming the media in your life at present make you feel?

• What activities/interactions boost your emotional energy? What drains it? Do you know how to tell when you cannot take on any more emotional weight?

• Which possessions would you prefer to keep private? Who is allowed to access those possessions, if anyone other than yourself? Are there certain times you would allow access to those possessions? What does that look like? 

• What makes you feel safe or unsafe during sex? What conditions will make you the most comfortable and at ease? 

The Danger of Misusing Boundaries

Recently, discussions about boundaries and therapy language have been in the news when Jonah Hill’s ex-partner, Sarah Brady, came out with texts between her and Hill. The texts show Hill misusing and weaponizing therapy language and boundaries in an attempt to control Brady. This incident emphasized the need for a deeper exploration of personal boundaries in the zeitgeist. In the text messages, Hill lists what Brady needs to avoid doing to respect his “boundaries,” including things like surfing with men and posting pictures in a bathing suit on social media despite the fact that both of those are parts of her job as a surfing instructor. The immediate red flag is that he is telling Brady what she can and cannot do, instead of explaining how her behavior makes him feel and how he will react if she does do those things. 

Understanding the purpose of personal boundaries is key to setting them effectively. The point of boundaries is to set healthy limits for oneself in order to protect one’s emotional wellbeing. Instead of explaining how he would react in response to Brady’s behavior, Hill attempted to dictate what Brady did. There are ways to work together to find a resolution that works for everyone, but none of those ways include one partner unilaterally deciding what is okay for everyone involved. Hill telling Brady what she can and cannot do and framing it as a boundary allows him to control her under the guise of “self-care.” This is an inappropriate usage of therapy language and boundary-setting. It is crucial to remember that therapy language, while powerful and transformative in a therapeutic context, should never be used to undermine or coerce others. 

Takeaway

Personal boundaries are an integral part of healthy relationships and self-care. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable in our interactions with others by defining our own reactions to others instead of controlling what other people do. By understanding and respecting personal boundaries, you can establish clear parameters to promote mutual trust and autonomy. It is essential to communicate boundaries effectively and listen actively to others’ boundaries. Boundaries are not about building walls but rather about defining the space where you can thrive while maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships. If you feel unsure of how to approach determining, setting, and communicating boundaries, consider working with a therapist who can guide you through the process.