What is DTR? How to Define the Relationship and When to have the Conversation

Dating is an exciting experience that often comes with uncertainty. A common challenge while dating is the need to define the relationship, otherwise known by the slang term “DTR”. Making sure you and any potential partner are on the same page is integral to the success of the relationship. The DTR conversation is a pivotal moment where the people involved in the relationship get to discuss and establish expectations, commitments, intentions, and desires. It can help the individuals involved gain clarity and avoid misunderstandings, laying the groundwork for a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship. This article provides guidance on how to approach DTR conversations, what to discuss, and the appropriate timing for this important discussion. 

How do you have a DTR conversation? 

When most people think of a DTR conversation, they envision a casual dating scenario transitioning into a long term, monogamous relationship but this does not necessarily need to be the case. The only unifying trait of all DTR conversations is the ultimate result, but the desire to ensure everyone is on the same page about the future of the relationship.  

Bringing up the DTR conversation can be nerve racking because of the uncertainty. No one wants to be rejected and having a DTR conversation risks rejection and conflict. Unfortunately, if you would like the relationship to continue, the DTR conversation is inevitable.  

Once you feel ready to have the conversation, you may not necessarily know how to go about it. Here are some tips for fostering an effective conversation:

Find a comfortable, private space without distractions.

This is an important conversation that deserves everyone’s full attention, so having a private and comfortable space helps to set the tone.

Be genuine and honest.

Being vulnerable is scary but if you cannot be open and honest, it is unrealistic to expect that you will get full honesty in return.

Avoid making assumptions.

It is tempting to try to “mindread” what someone else is thinking or feeling about you when you have not had the opportunity to hear those thoughts from them firsthand. The danger of making and expressing those assumptions, however, is that if they are wrong it could insult the person or complicate the conversation.

Use “I” statements.

Framing your thoughts and questions from your own perspective and emotions can prevent coming across confrontational or accusatory. 

What do you need to discuss in a DTR conversation? 

Once you have an idea of how to prepare for this conversation, you might be wondering what you need to discuss specifically. Topics to consider touching on include:

• Exclusivity and/or monogamy. Discuss whether you want to be exclusive and monogamous or practice some form of non-monogamy.

• Commitment level. Decide what level of responsibility you have to each other and what committing means. Are you looking for something serious and long term or casual and short term? What responsibility do you expect from each other?

• Relationship goals. It is important to express to each other what you envision in your future and how a partner would - or would not - ideally fit into your life. Some people, for example, want marriage and/or kids, while others see themselves casually dating for the foreseeable future. Understanding each other’s short and long term goals will help ensure you are on the same page about the future of the relationship. 

The timing for the conversation is unique to each relationship. Oftentimes DTR conversations occur once an emotional connection and/or romantic feelings have developed. Ideally, these conversations happen as soon as possible to open up the line of communication and promote clarity. 

Similarly to the timing, the script you use will depend on your relationship dynamics and the level of comfort between you and your partner. That being said, here are some conversation starters:

“I have really been enjoying spending time with you. I would love to sit down and talk about where we see this relationship going.”

“I feel uncertain of where our relationship is headed and it would be helpful to talk about it with you so we can both get clarity.”

“I value our relationship and want to make sure we are on the same page. Can we have a conversation about what we both want and expect from this?” 

Communication is a fundamental part of any healthy relationship and the way your DTR conversation goes can be an indicator for how compatible your communication styles are. There is no right or wrong answer, so listen to your gut and keep in mind what you want; if you get a disappointing answer from your partner in a DTR conversation, you do not need to settle. If you are unsure of what you want or how to figure it out, consider speaking with a therapist.    

Exploring bi-curiosity: What does bi-curiosity mean and how is it different from bisexuality?

Sexuality is a spectrum and each individual falls somewhere on that spectrum but finding exactly where one fits is easier said than done. There are tons of labels that can be used to describe one’s experience of sexual attraction which are helpful to some people, while others choose to eschew labeling altogether. Sometimes people who are still exploring their sexual identity choose to use a lesser-known label like bi-curiosity.

As the name implies, bi-curiosity is closely related to bisexuality. Bi-curiosity - typically a term used by people who otherwise identify as heterosexual but also sometimes used by homosexual people - expresses an interest in exploring sexual and romantic relationships with multiple genders. This article aims to shed light on the concepts of bi-curiosity and bisexuality, the controversy around the term “bi-curiosity,” and resources for figuring out how you identify.      

How are bi-curiosity and bisexuality different?

Bisexuality is a sexual orientation for people who experience the potential for romantic and/or sexual attraction to two or more genders. The main distinguishing feature between bi-curiosity and bisexuality is the degree of certainty about one’s sexual orientation. Bisexual people are certain that at that moment, to the best of their knowledge, they are attracted to multiple or all genders, while bicurious people are uncertain about how they identify but believe that they have the potential to be attracted to multiple or all genders. In other words, bisexuality is an established sexual orientation, while bi-curiosity more closely resembles a phase of questioning or uncertainty. This distinction gets muddy when you factor in that sexuality is fluid and changes over time. Generally speaking, however, this is how the associations with each label differ. Not everyone agrees that the two should be distinguished at all, which leads to the controversy around bi-curiosity.       

Why is bi-curiosity controversial?   

Bi-curious is a controversial label within the bisexual community. Here are a few reasons bisexual people might take issue with the label bi-curiosity:

• It implies that you need to have a certain level of sexual experience before being able to “prove” that you are definitively bisexual.

• Bisexuality as an orientation is often undermined and not taken seriously. The existence of bi-curiosity feeds into the narrative that bisexuality means that you are confused and that it is a phase, a stepping stone on the way to “deciding” if you are actually gay or straight. 

• Many queer people have experienced being objectified and used as an experiment by an uncertain person such as a bi-curious person. There is no problem with exploration itself, but rather with using queer people as a means to an end, a tool to help an uncertain person figure themselves out.

• “Bi-curiosity” is a redundant label given that anyone who believes they have the potential for attraction to two or more genders falls under the umbrella of bisexuality. Since sexual orientation is inherently fluid, meaning it could change at any time and so too would one’s identity, a term that specifically highlights the uncertainty of identifying as bisexual is unnecessary since any label can be impermanent. 

If you feel that bi-curious is a productive label for you, it is not up to other people to decide that is not the case. With that being said, it is helpful to be aware of other terms that might serve a similar purpose, such as “questioning,” “queer,” or fully leaning into identifying as “bisexual” with the knowledge that you can change your mind at any time. 

Takeaway

Ultimately, it is up to the individual to decide what fits best but try to ensure that in the process you are respectful of the queer community, aware of the nuances of the subject, and are genuinely invested in responsible self-exploration. If you are still feeling lost in your sexual orientation journey, consider reaching out to a therapist and checking out the resources below: 

Bicurious: What Does It Mean? | WebMD 

Bicurious - What does bi-curious mean? | Cosmopolitan 

What is Bisexuality?

What is bicuriosity? | Definition, history, and bicuriosity in pop culture

Is it time to move past bicurious?

Can I Identify as Bisexual? 

What Does It Mean to Be Bi-Curious? 15 Things to Consider           

Sugar Dating: What to Know About Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies

Sugar dating is a mutually beneficial relationship dynamic that involves financial benefits in exchange for companionship. Sugar daddies and mommies will give sugar babies money, experiences, networking, and/or gifts in exchange for companionship and/or intimacy. Each individual dynamic is unique to the people involved, and therefore the specifics of the exchange vary as well. Sometimes the exchange involves sex and physical intimacy, while others involve only companionship. The most common pairing is an older, wealthy man and a younger woman, but people of all ages and genders can participate in sugar dating. Sugar dating is particularly popular among college students looking for financial support for school. In this blog, we will explore the concept of sugar dating, risks, and safety tips for people interested in being a sugar baby.   

How much do sugar babies make from sugar dating?

This part of sugar dating is, once again, unique to the people involved. Arrangements can involve a pay-per-date model, a consistent monthly allowance, networking and mentorship, and/or non-cash gifts. While the details of each arrangement cause a sugar baby’s income to vary greatly, it is estimated that sugar babies earn an average of $2800 USD per month from a sugar parent. It is up to the people in the relationship to decide what exchange makes the most sense. Some sugar babies need consistent financial assistance, while others are simply seeking a more lavish lifestyle. These different motivations will affect the compensation a sugar baby is seeking. For a sugar parent, considerations for what they want to provide include their income and what they want out of a sugaring relationship.    

What are the risks of sugar dating and how do sugar babies stay safe?  

As with any dynamic involving intimacy, such as non-sugar dating, there will be risks due to the vulnerability involved. The nature of the exchange, almost exclusively involving an economically stable person with an economically unstable person, which inherently creates a power imbalance. The danger of this is that it can lead to harassment, assault, and manipulation. Most of the dangers, however, are not unique to sugar dating, but when monetary gain and a power imbalance are involved, it is especially important to be vigilant about safety. That being said, there are also many instances of safe, healthy sugar dating practices.

Here are some tips to help sugar babies stay safe while sugar dating:

1. Meet for the first time in a public place and handle your own transportation to and from the date. Tell a trusted person where you will be and share your location, if possible.

2. Video chat or call the potential sugar parent before meeting in person. Calling is a good way to get a sense of a person’s personality and will also give you a better gut feeling about whether or not you can trust them, as opposed to over text.

3. Use a Google Voice number instead of your cell number. Using an alternative phone number for your sugaring life helps you maintain separation between that and the rest of your life. Furthermore, it avoids giving an unknown individual a piece of private information that can be used to look you up or find additional details about you.

4. Maintain a degree of privacy about your personal life. You do not have to share every aspect of your life with a sugar parent. You can choose to use an alias and decide to keep details like where you live and the name of your school or workplace. In the event that things go south, a sugar parent can use these details against you.

5. Keep an eye out for scammers. Money is a big incentive for many people, and scammers prey on that to manipulate potential sugar babies and get money from them. These scams use a few different methods, such as making a fake transaction that is later contested by the scammer, asking for gift cards, or acquiring a sugar baby’s bank account details.

6. Stick to your boundaries, including not ignoring red flags solely because of potential financial gain. Though it is tempting to compromise on your gut feeling when a potential influx of money is on the line, gut feelings and boundaries exist for a reason; it is unwise to ignore them. This is easier said than done, especially for people who need the supplemental income for necessities. However, it puts you at the risk of being scammed and/or harmed.

7. Never provide your bank information to a sugar parent. Use services like Paypal or Venmo instead.Sugar dating is an alternative approach to traditional relationships, where financial support and companionship intertwine into an exchange. While sugar dating can be a lucrative opportunity for some, it is essential to navigate this dynamic with caution and prioritize personal safety. By maintaining personal boundaries and utilizing the outlined safety tips, sugar babies can strive for a safe and mutually beneficial sugar dating experience.

Ultimately, sugar dating is a personal choice that requires careful consideration, open communication, and the ability to establish clear boundaries to ensure a positive and secure experience for all parties involved.