4 Things to Consider Before Moving in Together

Moving in with a partner or partner(s) is a big step which can be equally scary and exciting. The best way to ensure the most comfortable arrangement for everyone involved is to carefully consider all the implications of living together. This is a guide to help you cover all your bases when figuring out this important decision. 

Assessing If You’re Ready

There’s no definitive timeline that will suit every relationship so it’s important to take stock of all the factors involved. Some important considerations are:

1. Are your schedules compatible? 

2. Are there reasons to move in together aside from financial necessity? 

3. Have you ever cohabited for limited amounts of time? How was that experience? What were some points of tension? 

4. Are you ready to voluntarily surrender part of your independence now that your lives will be more entangled? 

5. If the relationship is non-monogamous, how will that fit into sharing a living space?

Personal Space 

Living with someone else means a lot of shared time together. Some people enjoy being with their partner most of the time, but others need more time to themselves. These questions can help decide how you will create personal space within a shared home: 

1. How much personal space do you need on a regular basis? How will you make space when you're in the same house/apartment? 

2. Personal time is essential for self-care and you will need to negotiate new boundaries around personal time when you live together. Here are some ways to navigate conversations about needing some space.  

3. Do you need your own physical corner or space in the living quarters? If so, where are those and what are the boundaries around them?

Maintenance of a shared space 

The way you keep your space might not feel like a big deal immediately, but it can cause a lot of problems if you each prefer to keep your things in drastically different ways. For example, someone who is very neat and tidy may start to feel resentment if their partner has piles of clothes on the floor. Conversely, someone who is a little messier may feel annoyed by a partner who keeps asking them to pick up their things. Here are some questions to consider about maintenance: 

1. How do you like to keep your space? Are you tidy/messy? How do you feel about living with someone who may keep their space differently from you? 

2. How can you delegate chores and hold each other accountable? 

Communication

What communication skills do you have in place with your partner to discuss problems as they arise? Living together can bring up a lot of new feelings or issues that weren't there previously. How will you work on them together as a team? There will be a learning curve to trying something new. Try to be patient with each other while you navigate new obstacles together.

This is an exciting adventure in your relationship that you get to go on together! It’s important to commit to be honest, kind, and patient with one another to make your transition as easy as possible. If you need extra support through this process, relationship therapy is a great option. For those in Illinois, Embrace Sexual Wellness can help!

4 Benefits of Sharing Erotica with a Partner

“Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can be a book, a short story, an audio clip, a drawing, and beyond. Whatever you’re into, there’s erotica about it. Beyond being a fun addition to masturbating, there are several benefits to sharing erotica with a partner/partners. Erotica can…

1. Teach you what is exciting for you and your partner 

   Regardless of how familiar you are with your sexual interests, erotica is a great way to increase your imagination about what pleasure looks like for you. Additionally, if you struggle to talk about what you like in bed, you can share a piece of erotica to explain what you mean instead. 

2. Create more sexual and emotional intimacy 

   Sharing sexual desires is a vulnerable act. Being vulnerable with your partner(s) is one of the best ways to foster emotional intimacy and connection. 

3. Provide inspiration 

   Whether you’re still in the honeymoon phase or you’ve been with your partner(s) for years, there’s always room to improve your sex life. Maybe there’s a fantasy you’d love to act out, or a fetish you want to try; it might be difficult to find and/or share the words to describe your sexual fantasies and interests, which is where having an exemplar is a great communication tool. Sharing erotica with your partner(s) that resonated with you provides valuable insight about what you like in bed. 

4. Normalize erotica's impact on arousal

   Unfortunately, we have all been societally conditioned to regard sexuality as taboo even if one’s independent values don’t align with that designation. This means that you might logically understand there is nothing shameful about sexual desire, it can still feel hard to share something you’ve been conditioned to keep private like a piece of erotica you like. The more you talk about it and share with your partner, the more normal it will feel. 

Erotica is a great tool to incorporate into your relationship(s). If you’re interested in exploring erotica, there are some great resources below. Happy reading, listening and sharing! 

• Short stories

  • Literotica

  • Bellesa

  • LushStories

  • Novel Trove   

• Books

  • 14 Erotic Novels That Won't Make You Cringe - PureWow

  • 12 Most Erotic Novels in the History of Literature - Sexiest Books of All Time

  • The 55 Most Erotic Books You Will Ever Read    

• Audio

  • Dipsea

3 Ways to Support a Friend or Family Member Who is Using New Pronouns

Using someone’s correct pronouns* is a sign of basic respect. Therefore, it is vital to make every effort to use pronouns correctly. It can be tricky to acclimate when someone you care about changes what pronouns they use. It’s important to note that no one expects perfection so if you do use the incorrect pronoun, that’s okay as long as you’re making the effort to be respectful. When a loved one does share a pronoun change, refer to the following tips to help you navigate the conversation and be as supportive as possible. 

1. Thank them for sharing their full self with you. It's not always easy to be vulnerable and share your full self, even with loved ones. Let them know you still love them unconditionally. Remember, your initial reaction may influence their desire to share vulnerable information with you in the future. As for how to best support them aside from using their new pronouns, ask! Every person will need something different but the most important thing you can do is make the effort to use their new pronouns.   

2. Practice their pronouns! The more you practice, the easier it'll become to use them naturally. You should practice their pronouns in both speaking and writing. For speaking, you can either speak aloud to yourself or meet up with someone else. For writing, you could try writing a story about the person with new pronouns. If you practice with these methods and still struggle to switch over, reflect on why it feels difficult. A common obstacle is trying to reconceptualize the person in context with their new pronouns when you’ve thought of them in an entirely different way previously. If this is the case, you might have some more reading to do in order to unlearn this binary framework.    

3. When you mess up, apologize quickly, correct yourself, and continue the conversation. Don't drag on your apology or make excuses. Making it a big deal is uncomfortable for everyone involved. The above steps let them know you are trying!

It can be scary to make a change like this because of course you don’t want to mess up and hurt your loved one. Try to give yourself some grace in this regard; it is hard to make a change to something that you may not already spend conscious effort considering. The only way to make this change is with practice. When you consider how much practice you’ve had referring to this person with their previous pronouns, it makes sense that it takes lots of practice to undo it! Be patient with yourself, and soon it will become second nature. 

If you want to learn more about pronouns and proper usage, here are some great resources:

• What Are Pronouns? Why Do They Matter?

• Pronouns: A Guide from GLSEN

• Pronouns

• Gender-Neutral Pronouns 101: Everything You've Always Wanted to Know

• How To Use Neopronouns, According To Experts & People Who Use Them

• Tips on training yourself to change pronouns for someone you care about  

• Pronouns 102: how to stop messing up pronouns | by Kirby Conrod 

*The term “correct pronouns” is used instead of “preferred pronouns” because someone’s stated pronouns are not a preference, they are a requirement.