How to Boost a Low Sex Drive

Everyone’s libido naturally fluctuates due to a variety of factors including stress, menstrual cycles or menopause, negative body image, and more. While it’s not requisite to address low libido if you have no interest in doing so, there are ways to try to increase libido for those who want to. Some circumstantial factors will be inescapable and for those instances, you may need to wait it out. For those who want to try to increase their libido, here are some strategies for doing so. 

Address the issue at the root

In order to address the issue, you need to identify it. Figure out the root cause of your low sex drive. Some factors to consider include stress, hormonal changes like menstrual cycles and birth control hormones, poor body image, relationship issues, medications, and alcohol consumption. If the root issue is neglected, low libido will repeatedly return until it is addressed.

Schedule sex

Many couples are mixed libido, with one desiring sex more frequently than the other. Scheduling time to connect and possibly have sex can help address this, as well as temporary lowered libido. Knowing when you’ll be having sex allows suspense to build and for you to set the mood in advance.

Rule out biological factors 

Biological factors like menopause, depression/anxiety, and stress can all affect libido. If you suspect there is something biologically wrong that is causing the low libido, visit a doctor to figure out what’s going on.

Mix it up

Sometimes libido might be low because sex has become boring. It’s easy to fall into a routine, especially with a long term relationship, but eventually this may no longer feel appealing. Exploring your sexual fantasies and kinks is a great way to experiment and make sex exciting. Read about incorporating kink here. If you’re not into kink or fantasies, try incorporating a sex toy or reading erotica with your partner.

Work on your body image

If you have a hard time with body positivity or neutrality, your self consciousness may be holding you back from desiring sex. Sex is an emotionally and physically vulnerable act. When your body image is suffering, that vulnerability feels even more difficult to achieve which disincentivizes sexual desire. Here are some resources for improving body image:

• Your Body is Not an Apology & Workbook by Sonya Renee Taylor

• Body Positive Power by Megan Crabbe

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

• Happy Fat by Sofie Hagen 

• Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon

• Hunger by Roxane Gay

• You Have the Right to Remain Fat by Virgie Tovar

Evaluate about your medications and contraceptives 

Some medications, such as SSRIs, have libido lowering side effects. If this is posing a significant problem for your sexual satisfaction, talk to your doctor about changing your regimen. Consider the potential role that your contraceptive method has on your libido. If you use certain hormonal birth control, the way it influences your hormonal cycle may affect libido. Discuss with your doctor whether your current contraceptive method is right for you.

Set the mood

An alluring environment can make sex more appealing and enjoyable, likewise a distracting one can get in the way. Some ways to set the mood include lighting candles, wearing sexy clothes or undergarments, listening to sexy music, running a bath, and giving each other massages.

TLDR

Rest assured, low libido is something most people encounter at some point in their life. If after implementing a variety of strategies to increase libido you still struggle with low libido, consider seeing a doctor to ensure nothing more serious is at the root. In instances where emotional issues are at the root, consider reaching out to a therapist. Be patient with yourself and listen to your mind and body.

Healing Through Kink

Content warning: discussion of trauma and sexual assault

Kink is the broad phrase that refers to any non-traditional sex, traditional meaning heterosexual, monogamous intercourse without a non-normative fantasy or desire involved. Everything from roleplay to bondage to power exchange and beyond is a form of kink. All sorts of people engage in kink for a number of reasons. Kink can absolutely be done solely for pleasure but for some, kink is a tool for healing trauma. It’s not a replacement for mental healthcare but it can be used to supplement that process. Kink offers a safe, controlled context for sexual trauma survivors to reclaim sexual confidence and comfort. While sexual trauma like assault is a non-consensual seizure of power and dominance, power exchange in a safe, kinky setting can be a consensual, healthy practice to reframe sexual trauma. Kink centers and emphasizes communication and consent which are vital tenets of any healthy sex.

Oftentimes, the appeal of kink for sexual assault survivors is the opportunity to feel empowered, respected, and safe. Not everyone will find kink healing because trauma and the ensuing healing process is highly personal. Including kink in that process is one of many power reclamation strategies. In order to be healing though, it’s important that kink is being practiced in a healthy, consensual, communicative way. Furthermore, just because kink may involve physical pain or name calling, does not equate it with self-harm. This excerpt from Dr. Joe Kort explains this further in a quote from A Beautiful Perspective: 

“self-harm breaks relationship contracts, puts yourself at risk for real harm from others or one’s self, and doesn’t stay within boundaries of physical and psychological safety… When you engage in healthy ways, you talk openly and honestly at length with the person you are going to engage with in kink, fetish or BDSM play. You have a safe word, you stop when you don’t feel safe or comfortable, and the feelings are pleasurable and enjoyable and not shame-based.” 

Kink, especially that which includes inflicting pain, not only provides the physical catharsis facilitated by pain, but also allows the recipient to be in control of the pain so they can explore those sensations safely. Focusing on intense physical sensation can be a grounding experience that allows the stresses of the real world to momentarily cease. These positive aspects can only be attained when kink is practiced consensually, safely, and transparently.

Safety and communication are key aspects of kink regardless of the context but they are all the more important when it’s being used as an outlet to heal trauma. For those interested in trying kink, especially in a therapeutic capacity, you may consider hiring a sex worker. This will allow for the most controlled environment possible to try exactly what you’re interested in.

Before delving into any kinky endeavor, it’s vital to do your research. Neglecting to do so poses significant risks to everyone involved. Below are some resources for practicing safer kink. 

• Communication 

  • How to talk about kink with new partners 

  • Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

  • What is a safe word?  

  • Kink + Safety: What You Need to Know

• Physical Safety

  • Choking Etiquette 101 

  • What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types and Roles 

  • Erotic Asphyxiation: 10 Things to Know About Safe Breath Play

  • A Beginner's Guide to Impact Play 

• Consent and Boundaries

  • Kink Boundaries and Interests 

  • What Kink Can Teach Us About Consent

• Kink as a therapeutic outlet

  • Healing Through BDSM 

  • BSDM Can Provide Profound Healing Experiences 

  • Kink as a Form of Sex Therapy

  • Experimenting-with-kink-helps-my-emotional-healing 

  • How-submission-transformed-my-trauma 

  • Can Exploring in Bed Be a Potential Nightmare for Sexual Violence Survivors? 

• Kink in general 

  • RACK(Risk Aware Consensual Kink): A Realistic Alternative to SSC 

  • RACK: The Risk Acceptable Safety Mantra

  • Emerson (@thekinkeducator)

  • The Boundary Between Abuse and BDSM 

Therapeutic kink isn’t for everyone, but there’s nothing wrong with it either. There is nothing wrong with two adults consensually exploring kinky catharsis. Make sure to do your research, openly communicate, and understand your own boundaries. Kink is not a replacement for traditional trauma therapies but it can absolutely be part of the process. 

Intimacy After Childbirth

Giving birth is one of the most incredible acts a human body can perform, as well as one of the most strenuous. After a hormonal, physically traumatic experience, it’s not uncommon for birth givers to not want intimacy afterwards. On top of the physical effects to the body and the emotional drain of birth, intimacy can be a difficult activity to prioritize with a newborn to tend to which sometimes involves breastfeeding, which is additionally physically draining. 

Generally, it takes six weeks from birth to be fully healed in and around the vulva and vagina, though this timeline varies from person to person. Engaging in penetrative intimate acts is generally not advisable before fully healing. That being said, each individual should prioritize the advice from their healthcare professional. It’s important to note that if and when everyone involved in the relationship does feel ready for penetrative sex, contraception is still vital as pregnancy is a risk regardless of whether or not the birthgiver is breastfeeding and whether or not their period has resumed. 

All partners involved should focus on practicing patience and flexibility with the postpartum intimacy timeline because you may feel ready at different paces. It’s likely that you’ll gradually progress, rather than going from feeling unready for any intimacy to ready for all types of intimacy in an instant. The progression might not even be linear, and it’s important to maintain an open line of communication as needs and boundaries shift. 

Both physical and emotional changes will factor into your timeline and individual boundaries and needs. Some physical changes after birth for the birth giver that may occur are aches and pains, vaginal dryness, and hormonal imbalances. All partners may experience exhaustion, feeling “touched out” from handling the newborn all day, and general emotional overwhelmedness. The changing dynamic that results from a child, whether they’re the first child or not, can be frustrating and difficult to navigate, resulting in feeling emotionally drained. For the birth giver, body image may additionally be difficult to navigate postpartum and intimacy may feel too exposing. Furthermore, for birth givers that choose to breastfeed, nursing releases oxytocin which increases bonding with the child but suppresses libido. Though physical intimacy may feel difficult in the midst of all these changes, it’s an important part of feeling connected to your partner(s).

As you navigate postpartum intimacy, you may want to keep the following tips in mind...

• Intimacy can look many ways and doesn’t necessarily need to have a sexual connotation. Cuddling, giving each other massages, and even emotional conversations can foster a feeling of intimacy. 

• It’s possible that intimacy won’t feel as good or desirable immediately after birth as it did before birth but that doesn’t mean it will stay that way forever.

• If physical intimacy doesn’t feel feasible, simply making time for one another and small caring gestures can make all the difference in maintaining an intimate emotional connection. 

• Physical intimacy and sex should happen on your terms, not how you feel you “should” practice it. Length and timing of intimacy, type of intimacy, or any other factor should function to make you feel connected and comfortable. 

  • For instance, though typically sensual time has a nighttime connotation, this doesn’t have to be the case. Especially for exhausted parents, bedtime may not foster a desire for intimacy. Shifting to earlier timing might be a good option when your schedules allow. 

  • Another example is length of intimacy; intimacy and sex don’t need to be long, drawn out sessions if that doesn’t sound good. Quickies are your friend! 

• Remember that while changes in a relationship dynamic, changes in libido, hormonal changes, and low energy are frustrating parts of navigating postpartum life, they are all completely normal. They, too, shall pass. 

Everyone’s postpartum intimacy journey is a deeply personal experience but some useful external resources that may help guide you are… 

• Sexual health and intimacy after childbirth

• First-time parents' experiences of proximity and intimacy after childbirth - A qualitative study

• Sex After Birth: What to Expect and How Long to Wait

• Sexual Intimacy After Childbirth: When It Isn't Like Before

Above all, give yourself and your partner(s) as much grace as possible and try to practice patience. Encountering challenges is part of the journey and eventually, everything will find its place in your life.