"How Are You?" - The Question No One Knows How To Answer Right Now

Previously, “How are you?” seemed like a fairly innocuous question. Usually the phrase serves as a synonym for hello or hi. Not in 2020. Today, a simple “hello, how are you?” has become a loaded question. In more predictable times, this question might receive an automatic “good” and then the conversation moves on to something else. Now, the question is much more complicated. What would happen if you answered it honestly? If you are struggling right now, it’s okay. Don’t be afraid to let your loved ones know it.

There isn’t a single person on the planet who has not been affected in some way by COVID-19. Everyone is having to give up something or shift their routines  that may bring them comfort or security. Would it be helpful to openly talk about it? No one person’s problems are more important than another’s. During this time, no one is burdening another with their issues. Share your struggles, discuss ways you have been learning to adjust and try to find inspiration from others’ experiences. We’re all in this together. 

If you’re unemployed, you’re far from alone. Talk about it, tell people what you’re going through in filing for unemployment. They may be in the same place you are soon, and it will be helpful to know what to expect. If you’ve had to cancel a major event such as a wedding or religious ceremony, talk about what has gone into that, inspire people to take the situation more seriously in order to avoid future sacrifices of the same nature. 

It’s okay to not be okay. That’s true at all times, but now in particular. Everyone is struggling in some way, and it helps to talk about it to know we aren’t alone. When someone asks “How are you?” make that the whole conversation, not just the beginning. 

What Conversations Should You Have With Your Partner, Even If Communication Isn’t Your Strong Suit?

In healthy, fulfilling relationships, communication is key. The ability to openly discuss thoughts, fears, desires, and needs with your partner can be the difference between mere attraction and deep, lasting intimacy. But let’s be honest—communication isn’t everyone’s strong suit. So, what can you do if talking about feelings doesn’t come naturally to you? Here are four essential “check-in” conversations you can have with your partner to strengthen your connection, even if communication isn’t your thing.

Essential Conversations to Strengthen Your Relationship

1. "I have been working on ________ lately, how has that been going?"

We all have personal or professional goals we strive to achieve, and relationship goals are no different. Whether you’ve been trying to be more patient, prioritize quality time, or improve your listening skills, it’s important to check in with your partner about your progress. Ask them if they’ve noticed any changes and whether those efforts are contributing to your relationship goals. This conversation not only shows your commitment to growth but also opens the door for valuable feedback.

2. "What do you need from me?"

It’s a simple question, but it’s often one of the hardest to ask. It can also be challenging for your partner to articulate their needs, so creating a safe space for this conversation is crucial. By asking this question, you’re inviting your partner to express what they need from you—something you might not have considered. If you want to be a better partner, this is the question to ask.

3. "I really feel most connected to you when __________."

Is there an activity or moment that makes you feel particularly close to your partner? Whether it’s cooking together, taking walks, or simply having a deep conversation, let them know. Remember, no one is a mind reader. By clearly communicating what makes you feel connected, you’re giving your partner a roadmap to fostering that closeness, which can deepen your bond.

4. "I really need space when __________."

While togetherness is important, so is having space. We all need alone time now and then, and it’s crucial to communicate this to your partner. Letting your partner know when you need space helps set clear boundaries and reduces the chances of misunderstandings. By being open about your need for alone time, you create a healthier, more balanced relationship.

Why Are These Conversations Important for Your Relationship?

These four conversations may seem simple, but they are powerful tools for improving communication and building a stronger connection with your partner. By regularly checking in with each other on these topics, you create an environment of openness and mutual respect. So, even if communication isn’t your strong suit, these questions can help you and your partner navigate your relationship more effectively.

These are just a few of our favorite questions and topics to discuss with your partner in order to strengthen communication. Comment below and let us know which are your favorite conversations and check out our instagram for more information about relationship and sexual wellness!

Spreading Awareness At Home

As some of you may know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Much of what we see in the media concerning prevention of sexual assault is geared towards women (who make up the majority of victims/ survivors). Many articles are written describing the steps women can take to prevent being sexually assaulted. Some of these steps include never walk alone at night, never take a drink from a stranger, be careful how you dress, safety in numbers. While these are all wonderful reminders (and often necessary in this day and age), they are still victim blaming in nature. They also refute the statistics about sexual assault that say most survivors of sexual assault know their perpetrators. Sexual assault rarely occurs at the hand of a stranger in an a dark alley as movies and TV shows like us to believe. 

The only way to truly prevent sexual assault from occurring is to directly engage with potential perpetrators. And, since most perpetrators are men, I believe that we must start to educate boys around expectations, disappointment, and consent. Not only should sex education in schools include these topics, there are ways we can incorporate these lessons in every day life. 

The ways in which I talk to my kids about love, respect, and body autonomy also embody these values. I teach my children that they do not owe anyone their body. They do not have to hug or kiss any family members just because they love them. My children have complete body autonomy and decide when and who they engage with physically. This does not mean I am not teaching them manners and respect of elders. However, they get to choose how they greet them. They may hug and kiss, shake hands, fist bump or simply nod but they are learning to look people in the eye and acknowledge them respectfully. Feelings of love do not equate to physical interactions. I also ask their permission for physical affection. I do not believe I am entitled to hugs and kisses because I love them. I want them to internalize the fact that simply because you love someone or they love you, does not mean they will want to engage in physical contact with them. At times this is difficult but it also teaches them the concept of body autonomy. 

We also stop any activity once someone says “STOP”. This was a more difficult lesson for them to learn. They would often yell stop while being tickled and not mean it. But in our house, the word stop (and any other statements like it) are taken very seriously. I want them to know that stop means stop and no means no. I also include the idea of consent and body autonomy when I have to interfere in physical fights between the two. I use language that includes ”You may not touch her body without her permission” and “You may not touch him in ways that he does not consent to”. I want them to be comfortable with these concepts from a young age.

We also have conversations about entitlement and ways to deal with and process disappointment. I validate their feelings while helping them to understand that they must earn respect and permission. Disappointment is difficult for children, it’s difficult for some adults as well. They are encouraged to express emotions but they also know that they are not owed anything in this world. As they have gotten older, my kids have come to realize that disappointment is a part of life and they, at times, can use this disappointment to work harder to get the things they desire. They are learning that at times that means giving a person space, or respecting others, not just actively pursuing the things they want. I want my daughter to understand she does not owe anyone her body and I want my son to internalize that he is not owed anything simply because he is male. These are lessons that will serve them well in many aspect of life. 

Until we teach our children these core values, we will continue to see sexual assault at the rates we have seen in the past. Until then, we must continue to provide survivors and potential survivors with the resources they need to protect themselves. Additional resources on parenting and sexual abuse and assault prevention can be found here.