Am I Addicted to Sex, or are my Sexual Behaviors Out-of-Control? What’s the Difference?

Sexual behavior is a complex and multifaceted aspect of human experience that can vary significantly from person to person. When it comes to understanding and addressing problematic sexual behaviors, professionals use different models to conceptualize and treat these issues. Two commonly used models include the sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model. This article will explore the key differences between these two models and clarify their unique approaches and perspectives.

Exploring the Sex Addiction Model

The sex addiction model is based on the belief that problematic sexual behaviors are akin to addiction, with individuals engaging in compulsive and out-of-control sexual behaviors despite adverse consequences. This model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals exhibiting similar behavior patterns to those seen in substance addiction. It often focuses on the belief that individuals lack control over their sexual behaviors and engage in them to cope with emotional distress or other underlying issues.

The sex addiction model typically involves a 12-step program or similar approach adapted from addiction recovery models. It may include abstinence from certain sexual behaviors, as well as attending support groups, therapy, and working on relapse prevention strategies. Treatment may also involve addressing underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that may contribute to the addictive patterns of sexual behavior.

Exploring the Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior Model

The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, views problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue rather than an addiction. This model emphasizes the lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior but does not necessarily categorize it as an addiction. It views problematic sexual behaviors as a coping mechanism for unmet emotional needs, unresolved trauma, or other underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues.

The out-of-control sexual behavior model typically involves a therapeutic approach that addresses the underlying issues contributing to problematic sexual behaviors. This may include exploring and resolving past traumas, developing healthy coping skills, improving emotional regulation, and managing relational dynamics that may impact sexual behaviors. It may also involve discussing and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships.

What are key differences between these two models?

1. Conceptualization of Problematic Sexual Behaviors

The sex addiction model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals lacking control and engaging in compulsive behaviors despite negative consequences. The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, considers problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue, such as emotional distress or unresolved trauma.

2. Approach to Treatment

The sex addiction model often involves a 12-step or similar program focusing on abstinence from certain sexual behaviors and recovery strategies adapted from addiction recovery. The out-of-control sexual behavior model addresses underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that contribute to problematic sexual behaviors; this approach involves developing healthy coping skills in therapy. Both approaches are informed by the conceptualization of the behavior by both the client and the therapist.

3. Language and Terminology

The sex addiction model uses language and terminology commonly associated with addiction, such as "addiction," "compulsion," and "relapse." The out-of-control sexual behavior model uses language that reflects a lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior without necessarily categorizing it as an addiction.

4. Emphasis on Underlying Issues

The sex addiction model views the behavior as the problem with limited exploration of other potential underlying issues. Essentially, it’s approached by working to eliminate the behavior, and then other problems will resolve themselves once you can control your sexual addiction. The out-of-control sexual behavior model significantly addresses the underlying psychological, cognitive, emotional, and relational issues that may contribute to problematic sexual behaviors. This may involve exploring past traumas, addressing emotional regulation skills, working on relational dynamics, and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships. Contrary to the sex addiction model, this model suggests that the behavior developed as a coping strategy for the other underlying issues at play but that the behavior itself may not be problematic in isolation.

Takeaway

When addressing problematic sexual behaviors, it's essential to recognize that professionals use different models and approaches. The sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model are two common perspectives, each with unique conceptualizations and treatment approaches. It's essential to understand the differences between these models to decide which approach may be more suitable for an individual's needs.

If you're wrestling with problematic sexual behaviors, seeking professional help from a qualified therapist or counselor is essential. A trained professional can conduct a thorough assessment, understand the unique factors contributing to the issue, and develop a tailored treatment plan based on the individual's needs and circumstances. Whether it's the sex addiction or the out-of-control sexual behavior model, therapy aims to provide support, guidance, and tools to help individuals address the underlying issues and develop healthy coping strategies for managing their sexual behaviors.

Not everyone agrees on the concept of sex addiction, and there is an ongoing debate within the field of psychology regarding its validity as a diagnostic category. Some professionals may align more with the out-of-control sexual behavior model, the sex addiction model, or alternative approaches. It's essential to approach this topic openly and discuss any questions or concerns with a qualified therapist or counselor before beginning treatment.

All About Lube: Which kind is right for you?

Lubricant is perhaps one of the most versatile sex accessories out there. It’s a liquid or gel that mitigates unwanted friction during sex, making it a more comfortable experience. Nearly every sexually active person could benefit from having a dependable lube (or two or three) on hand. It’s even more handy for vulva-owners who can’t produce as much wetness as they’d like whether that’s due to aging, birth control, medication, or something else.

These days, there are a variety of lubes with different functions, from the classic friction-fighters to tingles, warming sensations, and more! No lube is one size fits all, and depending on what you plan to use it for, you’ll have to select accordingly. Some of the factors to consider are whether you’ll use it solo or with a partner, if the sex will be penetrative, whether you want to use it with sex toys (and if so, what material those sex toys are comprised of). This article serves as a guide to help you figure out which lube is right for you!    

Water-based

Water-based lube is the most common type of lubricant. The benefits of using water-based lube are affordability and accessibility, easy clean up from skin and fabric, and they’re safe to use with condoms and every sex toy material. In terms of drawbacks, water-based lubes are absorbed into the skin quicker than their counterparts, leaving some sticky residue (which can be a drawback for those with sensory issues) and therefore you might have to reapply more frequently. Additionally, be on the lookout for water-based lubes that have a low osmolality, which means they have a higher degree of the product and few to no chemical ingredients because lubes with high osmolality are more likely to cause irritation.

Recommended water-based lubes:

• LOLA Personal Lubricant, $15 

• Good Clean Love Liquid Personal Lube, $11

• Sliquid H2O, $10     

Oil-based

Oil-based lube is a very slippery, long-lasting option that even doubles as a massage oil! The extremely important-to-note caveat is that it cannot be used with condoms because it will degrade them. Another drawback is that they often will stain fabric.

Recommended oil-based lubes:

• Coconut Oil-Based Lubricant, $25

• AH! YES Organic Lubricant, $22    

Silicone-based

The longest lasting of the lubricants, silicone-based lubes are beloved for their endurance. They’re also the most popular lube for anal sex due to their durability. Plus, they even hold up under water, if shower sex is your jam. Like water-based lubes, silicone is safe to use with latex condoms. The drawbacks are that silicone lube is harder to remove from skin and fabric, it tends to be more expensive, and it can’t be used with any silicone-based sex toys because they will degrade.

Recommended silicone-based lubes:

• Wet Platinum Premium Pure Silicone Personal Lube, $10

• Sliquid Silver, $30

• pjur BACK DOOR Silicone-based, $39

Hybrid lubricants

Hybrids are a mix of silicone and water lube to make it last longer. It won’t affect silicone toys in the way pure silicone lube will, and it offers easier cleanup than silicone too.

Recommended hybrid lubes:

• Wicked Hybrid, $29

• Good Clean Love Hybrid (contains glycerin), $12 

Sensory lubricants

Sensory lubricants are lubes that are formulated to make you feel a sensation like warming or tingling. They’re a fun way to spice up your sex routine and try something new. Sometimes the ingredients needed to make the sensation can be irritants though (see ingredients to steer clear of below) so it’s important to be on the lookout for that.

Recommended sensory lubes:

• Sliquid Organics Sensation-Amplifying Lube, $12

• Dame Arousal Serum (might need to be paired with a lubricant to add slipperiness), $30

• Sliquid Sizzle Warming Lube, $28

• Ultra Chill Cooling Silicone Lube by Wicked Sensual Care, $24     

Lube ingredients to avoid

For every healthy lube on the market, there’s an equal number of cheaply made, irritant-filled lubes too. When you’re searching for your perfect lube, keep an eye on the ingredients list and try to avoid the following. If you’re curious about why you should avoid each, check out this Self article and this extremely comprehensive Phallophile Reviews guide.

• Glycerin

• Nonoxynol-9

• Petroleum

• Propylene glycol

• Parabens (usually methylparaben)

• Chlorhexidine gluconate

• Diazolidinyl urea

• Polyquarternium-15

On the topic of lubes to avoid, though you might be tempted to use household products like baby oil, olive oil, or Vaseline - steer clear! Products that are not meant to be used in sensitive areas are comedogenic, can cause skin irritation and/or infection, and can alter vaginal pH. In a pinch you can try using something like coconut oil but that shouldn’t be your first choice and it does pose the aforementioned risks.

Since lube touches the most sensitive areas of your body, it’s important to find a compatible, safe option for your life and anatomy. It may take some trial and error to figure out your favorite but it’s worth it! A good lube can make all the difference and improve the pleasurability of solo or partnered sex.    

Why Does It Hurt Down There? Here's How to Address Pelvic Pain

The pelvic floor muscles refers to the hammock-like musculature that supports your pelvic organs and therefore they are an essential part of executing bodily functions like ridding of stool and pee, and having sex. Like anything else in your body, they can weaken throughout the normal aging process leading to concerns like incontinence, or general pain and discomfort.

Differences between people assigned female versus male at birth

Everyone has a pelvic floor regardless of their gender or reproductive anatomy. Pelvic floor health has different implications depending on the type of anatomy it’s supporting. For people assigned female at birth (AFAB), the pelvic floor muscles support the uterus, bladder, and bowel, and the anus, vagina, and urethra all pass through this group of muscles. The pelvic floor is strongly involved in pregnancy and this is a common cause of pelvic floor dysfunction. For people assigned male at birth (AMAB), the pelvic floor muscles support the bladder and bowel, and the anus and urethra pass through them. Unfortunately, there is next to no research or information about transgender and intersex people and their pelvic floor health.

Common Pelvic Floor Concerns

Having pelvic muscles that are too weak or too tight can cause concern; the idea is to find a balance. Pelvic floor concerns might be the cause of additional problems but it can also be a symptom of conditions like endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, and menstrual cycle cramping.

If untreated, pelvic floor imbalances can cause:

• Sexual dysfunction

  • Sexual dysfunction conditions relating to pelvic floor health include dyspareunia (AFAB people) and erectile dysfunction (AMAB people).  

• Pelvic pain

  • Pelvic floor dysfunction (PFD) is “the inability to correctly relax and coordinate your pelvic floor muscles to have a bowel movement.” It’s more commonly experienced by people assigned female at birth. Symptoms associated with it in addition to pain (usually exacerbated by sexual intercourse or certain movements) are incontinence, bloating and constipation, and lower back pain. 

• Bladder concerns

• If your pelvic muscles are too weak, you may struggle with a frequent urge to pee or an inability to hold in pee. This is often an aftereffect of pregnancy and giving birth. 

• Bowel problems

• Similar to bladder concerns, weak pelvic muscles sometimes struggle to hold in gas or poop, leading to bowel incontinence. On the other end, you might also experience constipation and straining pain when trying to poop. 

Options for Addressing Pelvic Floor Concerns

• Medication

  • Medication options will differ depending on the root cause of pelvic floor concerns. Hormonal based therapies like GnRH, Progestin, and oral contraceptives may be used to treat pelvic floor concerns associated with reproductive conditions such as endometriosis. For pain, over the counter medications like Tylenol can be used. If an infection is the source of pain, you may be prescribed antibiotics. Before starting any medication, discuss with your doctor to make sure it’s the right route for you and that it won’t cause adverse effects.   

• Relaxation techniques

• If your pelvic floor is too tense, you might want to try relaxation techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing and pelvic girdle stretches. 

• Physical therapy

• If your effort with pelvic floor exercises at home don’t work for you or if you’re just seeking professional guidance, physical therapy is a good option. 

• Pelvic floor exercises

• Kegels are the most well known pelvic floor exercise and they’re a great way to strengthen those muscles. Click through on the link above to get more details on how to properly do pelvic floor exercises.

Pelvic floor health is a buzzy topic on social media these days, especially on TikTok. We would caution you against taking any of that advice prior to speaking with a qualified health professional who knows you personally. If your pelvic floor concerns are causing mental distress, consider seeing a sex therapist. For those located in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to see if we’re a good fit for you.