How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

Practical Tips for Learning What You Like in Bed

Read and watch erotica

“Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

• Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

• Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

• How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

• Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

• Do you like dirty talk?

• Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

• How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

• How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

• What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

• Do you want to be penetrated?

• What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

What to Know Before Sharing Sexual Fantasies With a Partner

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. They can be exciting, fulfilling, and even play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. However, sharing your fantasies with a partner can be a delicate matter. In this blog, we will explore the intricacies of sharing fantasies, addressing the questions of whether you should tell your partner about your fantasies, the best ways to open up to your partner, and how to deal with obsessive sexual thoughts. We'll also emphasize the importance of understanding that fantasies are not necessarily a reflection of unmet sexual needs or dissatisfaction.

Fantasy Is Not Reality

Before we dive into the details of sharing fantasies, it's essential to understand that what makes a fantasy a fantasy is precisely that it is not reality. Fantasies are products of our imagination, shaped by desires, curiosities, and the freedom to explore scenarios that may never come to fruition in our daily lives. Some are even impossible to play out in real life. Importantly, fantasies do not inherently indicate any deficiencies in our sexual relationships or unfulfilled needs. Embracing this concept can alleviate any anxieties you may have about sharing your fantasies and help you appreciate them as a unique aspect of your sexuality.

Should I Tell My Partner About My Fantasy?

The decision to share your fantasies with your partner is a personal one and depends on various factors including your level of comfort, trust, and the nature of your relationship. Here are some tips to help you decide:

Assess Trust and Communication Strength 

A strong foundation of trust and open communication is vital in any relationship. If you feel safe and secure with your partner, sharing your fantasies can enhance intimacy and deepen your connection.

Engage in Mutual Exploration

Sharing fantasies can be an exciting way to explore each other's desires and deepen your sexual connection. It can lead to discovering shared interests and preferences, which can improve your overall sexual satisfaction.

Respect One Another’s Boundaries

It's crucial to respect your partner's boundaries. Not everyone is comfortable hearing about explicit fantasies, so approach the conversation with sensitivity. Gauge their reaction and be prepared to stop or adjust the conversation if they seem uncomfortable.

Center Consent

Always ensure that any fantasies you wish to explore involve consensual activities. Consent is paramount in any sexual exploration, so that all partners can feel comfortable and enthusiastic about trying new things.

How do I Share my Fantasies with my Partner?

Sharing your fantasies with your partner can be a fulfilling experience if done with care and consideration. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to approach this conversation.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place.

Find a quiet, private setting where both you and your partner can feel relaxed and comfortable. Timing matters too. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during arguments or stressful moments. During these moments, you or your partner may be emotionally flooded and find it difficult to navigate the topic in a way that feels good to both of you.

2. Express Your Desires Clearly.

Clearly and honestly communicate your fantasies. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and desires without placing blame or pressure on your partner. Remember that the point of this is to share your desires, not to project guilt onto your partner for not meeting these previously uncommunicated needs. If your partner feels blame and pressure coming from you, it could work against your hopes for being understood and may inhibit future conversations.

3. Listen Actively.

Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings about your fantasies. Active listening fosters understanding and empathy, making it easier to find common ground.

4. Stay Open to Feedback.

Your partner may have their own fantasies, ideas, or reactions. Be receptive to their input and consider how you can mutually explore new experiences together. It can be vulnerable to share your innermost sexual desires. If they respond by sharing their own desires, be prepared to respond to them in a way that you would hope they respond to you. Curiosity keeps doors open, judgment and reactivity tend to close them.

5. Take It Slow.

Don't rush into acting on your fantasies. Take your time to build trust and ensure both you and your partner are comfortable with any new experiences.

How Do I Address Obsessive Thoughts About Fantasies?

While fantasies are a healthy part of human sexuality, they can sometimes become obsessive or intrusive. Here are some strategies to manage obsessive thoughts about your fantasies:

Self-Reflect

Take some time to reflect on the nature of your fantasies. Are they causing distress or interfering with your daily life? Are they getting in the way of completing work or other day-to-day functioning? Understanding your own feelings and their impact on your functioning can be the first step in addressing obsessive thoughts.

Seek Professional Help

If obsessive thoughts about your fantasies are causing you significant distress or affecting your mental health, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.

Communicate Clearly

If you feel comfortable, discuss your obsessive thoughts with your partner. They may offer emotional support and understanding, helping you alleviate any concerns.

Engage in Mindfulness or Distraction

Engaging in mindfulness techniques or distracting activities when obsessive thoughts arise can be effective in managing them. Redirect your focus to the present moment or immerse yourself in a different activity.

Takeaway

Sharing fantasies with your partner can be a rewarding journey that deepens your intimacy and connection. Approach the conversation with sensitivity and prioritize open communication. The beauty of fantasy lies in its divergence from reality. Remember that your fantasies are a part of your individuality, not a reflection of any inadequacies in your relationship. By sharing your fantasies, you may discover new dimensions to your intimacy and embark on exciting adventures together. 

Sexual Senescence: How Sexuality Changes with Age and What to Do About It

The only constant in life is change and sexuality is no exception. Over the course of a lifetime, a litany of factors will affect one’s sexuality and relationship with sex, including, but not limited to, age, biological sex, physical ability, hormonal changes, life circumstances, body image, and trauma. Even though it is common for one’s sexuality to evolve over a lifetime, the relationship between aging and sex, sometimes referred to as “sexual senescence,” remains shrouded in taboo and misconceptions. One such ageist misconception is that seniors do not experience sexual desire or have sex. This is an inaccurate assessment, many seniors do maintain a thriving sex life. In fact, many people feel that they have a more fulfilling sex life in older age because they know more about what they like and how to communicate it. This article is for seniors who want to have sex but are feeling limited by the effects of senescence. It will discuss the common limitations for seniors interested in having sex and how to address them.     

How does sex change with age?

Changes in sexual function are a common part of the aging process, though they are not universally experienced in the same way by all individuals. The impact of menopause and andropause is a key factor influencing sexual health and desire in later life. Medically speaking, menopause officially begins 12 months after a menstruating person’s last period. That being said, menopause is preceded by perimenopause, which can also present with symptoms that are disruptive to your sex life like lower libido. Menopausal people might experience vaginal dryness, atrophy, or a drop in estrogen levels, which can impact their enjoyment of sex. Similarly, andropausal people may experience a drop in testosterone levels and accordingly, erectile dysfunction which could impact their enjoyment of sex.

How can I improve my sexual health during aging?

Fortunately, there are some interventions to help with these hormonal changes. Lubricants, regular moisturizing, longer foreplay and estrogen therapy can help relieve vaginal dryness brought on by menopause. Andropause can cause erectile dysfunction which can be addressed with medications and healthful habits. Such medical interventions include testosterone therapy and oral medications like sildenafil or tadalafil. Consider talking to your doctor about your specific concerns and how to best address them.

Does sexual dysfunction increase with age?

Due to hormonal changes and other factors such as disability, medication, and energy levels, low libido is not uncommon among seniors. Depending on the cause of your low libido, the intervention will look different. Fortunately, you do not have to simply resign yourself to these obstacles and there are options for addressing low libido and desire discrepancy in a relationship.  

How do you maintain sexual health in older age?

Since conception is often less relevant in late adulthood, some people are tempted to take fewer precautions to practice safer sex. Unfortunately, age does not protect people from contracting sexually transmitted infections. This means it’s still important to use safer sex practices. Condoms, vaccinations, and regular testing are great ways to minimize the risk of STI transmission. 

 An active, fulfilling sex life is possible at any age. What is normal for one person or partnership varies, so it is most important to figure out how to approach sexuality as you age based on your specific needs. Remember that penetrative sex is not the only way to be intimate with someone. You could explore using sex toys, trying more solo and/or mutual masturbation, giving each other massages, oral sex, or skin to skin cuddling. As your needs, wants, and capabilities evolve, your approach to addressing them has to evolve too. If you have limitations due to aging that prevent you from engaging in specific sexual activities, that does not mean forgoing a great sex life.   

Takeaways

The most important part of navigating your evolving relationship with sexuality is to keep an open line of communication between you and your partner(s) about what you want and what works best for you in approaching your sex life. If you need emotional and logistical support figuring out how to supplement your sex life, consider working with a therapist.