Am I Addicted to Sex, or are my Sexual Behaviors Out-of-Control? What’s the Difference?

Sexual behavior is a complex and multifaceted aspect of human experience that can vary significantly from person to person. When it comes to understanding and addressing problematic sexual behaviors, professionals use different models to conceptualize and treat these issues. Two commonly used models include the sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model. This article will explore the key differences between these two models and clarify their unique approaches and perspectives.

Exploring the Sex Addiction Model

The sex addiction model is based on the belief that problematic sexual behaviors are akin to addiction, with individuals engaging in compulsive and out-of-control sexual behaviors despite adverse consequences. This model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals exhibiting similar behavior patterns to those seen in substance addiction. It often focuses on the belief that individuals lack control over their sexual behaviors and engage in them to cope with emotional distress or other underlying issues.

The sex addiction model typically involves a 12-step program or similar approach adapted from addiction recovery models. It may include abstinence from certain sexual behaviors, as well as attending support groups, therapy, and working on relapse prevention strategies. Treatment may also involve addressing underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that may contribute to the addictive patterns of sexual behavior.

Exploring the Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior Model

The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, views problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue rather than an addiction. This model emphasizes the lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior but does not necessarily categorize it as an addiction. It views problematic sexual behaviors as a coping mechanism for unmet emotional needs, unresolved trauma, or other underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues.

The out-of-control sexual behavior model typically involves a therapeutic approach that addresses the underlying issues contributing to problematic sexual behaviors. This may include exploring and resolving past traumas, developing healthy coping skills, improving emotional regulation, and managing relational dynamics that may impact sexual behaviors. It may also involve discussing and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships.

What are key differences between these two models?

1. Conceptualization of Problematic Sexual Behaviors

The sex addiction model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals lacking control and engaging in compulsive behaviors despite negative consequences. The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, considers problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue, such as emotional distress or unresolved trauma.

2. Approach to Treatment

The sex addiction model often involves a 12-step or similar program focusing on abstinence from certain sexual behaviors and recovery strategies adapted from addiction recovery. The out-of-control sexual behavior model addresses underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that contribute to problematic sexual behaviors; this approach involves developing healthy coping skills in therapy. Both approaches are informed by the conceptualization of the behavior by both the client and the therapist.

3. Language and Terminology

The sex addiction model uses language and terminology commonly associated with addiction, such as "addiction," "compulsion," and "relapse." The out-of-control sexual behavior model uses language that reflects a lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior without necessarily categorizing it as an addiction.

4. Emphasis on Underlying Issues

The sex addiction model views the behavior as the problem with limited exploration of other potential underlying issues. Essentially, it’s approached by working to eliminate the behavior, and then other problems will resolve themselves once you can control your sexual addiction. The out-of-control sexual behavior model significantly addresses the underlying psychological, cognitive, emotional, and relational issues that may contribute to problematic sexual behaviors. This may involve exploring past traumas, addressing emotional regulation skills, working on relational dynamics, and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships. Contrary to the sex addiction model, this model suggests that the behavior developed as a coping strategy for the other underlying issues at play but that the behavior itself may not be problematic in isolation.

Takeaway

When addressing problematic sexual behaviors, it's essential to recognize that professionals use different models and approaches. The sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model are two common perspectives, each with unique conceptualizations and treatment approaches. It's essential to understand the differences between these models to decide which approach may be more suitable for an individual's needs.

If you're wrestling with problematic sexual behaviors, seeking professional help from a qualified therapist or counselor is essential. A trained professional can conduct a thorough assessment, understand the unique factors contributing to the issue, and develop a tailored treatment plan based on the individual's needs and circumstances. Whether it's the sex addiction or the out-of-control sexual behavior model, therapy aims to provide support, guidance, and tools to help individuals address the underlying issues and develop healthy coping strategies for managing their sexual behaviors.

Not everyone agrees on the concept of sex addiction, and there is an ongoing debate within the field of psychology regarding its validity as a diagnostic category. Some professionals may align more with the out-of-control sexual behavior model, the sex addiction model, or alternative approaches. It's essential to approach this topic openly and discuss any questions or concerns with a qualified therapist or counselor before beginning treatment.

Questions to Ask a Sex Therapist Before Your First Appointment

Sex therapy is “a type of psychotherapy specifically meant to ad sexual function, sexual feelings and intimacy, amongst other romantic and sexuality related concerns.” There are a multitude of reasons to see a sex therapist and if you think sex therapy might be right for you, let’s talk about actually finding a sex therapist.

Vetting Questions

If it’s accessible to you, don’t be afraid to set up consultations with several professionals to compare their styles and compatibility. The consultation is an opportunity to learn more about the therapist, their expertise, and whether you feel comfortable with them. Here are some specific questions to guide that conversation.

1) What is your area of expertise? 

Like any branch of therapy, sex therapists have a variety of specialties including, but not limited to couples therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and sexual abuse therapy.

2) What approaches to sex therapy do you use? 

Relating to the previous point, sex therapists have subject specialties (like sexual abuse), as well as approach specialities (like cognitive behavioral therapy). It’s important to ask about both in order to get a full picture of the therapist’s ethos.

3) What happens during a typical session? 

It’s important to know that sex therapy does not include physical intimacy with the therapist. Different therapists will organize sessions differently, though most operate in a talk-therapy format. Some will have a more structured approach, while others leave room for open ended sessions.

Resources for finding a therapist

• Referral Directory | AASECT:: American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists

• Find a Therapist - Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR)

• Best Online Sex Therapy Programs of 2023

If you’re located in Chicago or the state of Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to see if one of our therapists would be a good fit for you! 

What Do You Look for in a Therapist?

Finding a therapist is no easy feat. From insurance to personality compatibility to coordinating schedules, searching for the right mental health professional can be understandably overwhelming. This article is meant to guide you through the process, covering how to find the right fit, how to tell if they’re the right fit, and how to measure quality of care.

Where to begin your search

• Word of mouth is a great way to find therapists in your area, especially if the recommendation comes from someone who knows you and your needs well. If you do want to pursue a recommendation from a friend, make sure you check that it’s not a conflict of interest to see the same therapist. 

• If you are insured, a good place to start is your insurance company’s directory of in-network professionals. 

• If you are uninsured or you’re looking for alternative search engine options, here are some alternative places to look for a therapist.

  • Open Path Collective

    1. “Open Path Psychotherapy Collective is a nonprofit nationwide network of mental health professionals dedicated to providing in-office and online mental health care—at a steeply reduced rate—to clients in need.” 

  • Inclusive Therapists

    1. “Seeking therapy can be a vulnerable process. We understand. We aim to make it simpler and safer for people in marginalized communities. Find a culturally responsive, 2SLGBTQ+ affirming therapist that celebrates your full identity” 

  • APA Psychologist Locator

    1. APA is the leading scientific and professional organization representing psychology in the United States, with more than 133,000 researchers, educators, clinicians, consultants, and students as its members.

  • TherapyDen

    1. “We are an online community of mental health professionals seeking to make the experience of finding a therapist easy.” 

  • Therapy For Black Girls

    1. “So often the stigma surrounding mental health issues and therapy prevents Black women from taking the step of seeing a therapist. This space was developed to present mental health topics in a way that feels more accessible and relevant.”

Considerations for your search parameters

• Finding the name of a therapist is one thing, but it’s an entire other thing to find a therapist who works for you and your needs.  

• When you’re considering what might make a therapist a good fit for you, think first of whether or not you have any identity preferences such as gender or race that would allow a therapist to relate to certain experiences. 

• Before meeting with a therapist, try to do initial phone screenings of several options to ask about their specialties, whether they have experience with your specific issues, what structure their sessions usually follow, and any other information that you might need. 

• Logistical factors you may need to take into consideration are location, cost, mutual schedule availability, and the therapist’s availability outside of sessions, such as for emergencies. 

How to tell if they’re the right fit

• You feel comfortable being vulnerable around them (at least relative to others)

•  They have strong, clearly communicated boundaries about their policies and personal life

• You are able to share concerns about the therapeutic relationship and they respond with openness and a desire to problem solve 

• They respect your values and identity 

• They guide you to your goals and coach you to be able to make your own decisions 

• They challenge you in constructive ways. For example, they might ask you to reconsider a self-deprecating statement and work to get to the root of the thought in order to unpack it

Signs that they’re not a good fit

• They judge you or shame you 

• They have no experience with your issue(s)

• They overshare about themselves

• They tell you what to do rather than guiding you to make your own decisions

• You regularly feel worse after your session

It will take some time to find a therapist who works for you and when you’re in need of help, that can be discouraging. Perhaps try asking a trusted friend or family member to aid you in your search and/or ask them to sit with you for moral support while you do it. Once you do find a good therapist, it will be worth it. Simply wanting to seek help is a huge first step so show yourself gratitude for taking the time to read this. If you are seeking therapy for concerns related to sexuality or your relationships, consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to see if our team might be a good fit for you.