How to Determine and Communicate Boundaries in Relationships

Setting boundaries is one of the trickier parts of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Societal conditioning has taught non-men in particular that setting boundaries or denying someone’s request is a faux pas. Communicating boundaries allows for healthy relationships though and it is integral to the health of oneself and one’s relationships to be able to do so.

Why Setting Boundaries is Essential for Healthy Relationships

Communication is a cornerstone of all healthy relationships. Being open and honest about one's feelings helps to prevent building resentment, allows us to work through conflict, and have our needs met. Like any other skill, communication is a muscle that needs to be exercised and will get easier over time as you practice it over and over again. One of the biggest obstacles to setting boundaries can be the instinct to please people, prompting a concern that setting boundaries will offend someone. You cannot be responsible for other people’s emotions so while you should absolutely aim to communicate effectively and kindly, after that their reaction is out of your hands. It’s natural that when you set a new boundary, the other person may feel upset which is understandable because people can’t really control how they feel. What they can, and should control, is their ensuing behavior. Their actions will be telling of their respect for your boundaries; if they push back, refuse to accept it, or do not align their behavior in accordance with the boundary, that is a red flag. Truly supportive people who are invested in your wellbeing will be grateful for the guidance and respect your needs. 

Types of Boundaries and Examples of How to Use Them

With the “why” established, it’s time to talk about the “what.” The initial step is to get in touch with your own needs to figure out what your boundaries should be. Generally speaking, the types of boundaries are physical, time, conversational, content, emotional, material, and sexual.

Here are examples of each:

• Physical: Asking not to be hugged

• Time: Setting time ranges where you will or will not be available to be contacted

• Conversational: Not engaging in conversation about politics with people you are unfamiliar with

• Content: Not consuming content regarding triggering topics i.e. mental illness

• Emotional: Telling a friend who needs emotional support that you do not have the emotional space to support them at the moment

• Material: Not allowing your phone to be accessed without your express permission

• Sexual: Using protection whenever you have sex 

The exact boundaries that you may set do not have to match the ones above, rather the examples are meant to give you an idea of what boundaries might look like. The “right” boundaries to set are the ones that make you feel healthy, safe, respected, and comfortable.

How to Know What Boundaries You May Need

• How do you want to be touched and by whom? How do you want your family to physically interact with you, if at all? What about friends? Coworkers?

• How can you structure your time so you can attend to your responsibilities and also fulfill your own needs? How much alone time do you need, if any? How much time do you want to invest in sectors of your life like work, friendships, romance, etc.? 

• Are there any topics that make you feel uncomfortable to discuss and what are they? How does that comfort vary based on who you are with? Do you need to set different conversational boundaries for different relationships? Do you have any triggering topics you may want to set boundaries around?

• Do your social media feeds make you feel good? If not, what could be eliminated or added to change that? How do you consume news, and do you find that your consumption of it is more effective than it is draining? What role does media consumption play in your life? Is there any way it could be improved? How does consuming the media in your life at present make you feel?

• What activities/interactions boost your emotional energy? What drains it? Do you know how to tell when you cannot take on any more emotional weight?

• Which possessions would you prefer to keep private? Who is allowed to access those possessions, if anyone other than yourself? Are there certain times you would allow access to those possessions? What does that look like? 

• What makes you feel safe or unsafe during sex? What conditions will make you the most comfortable and at ease? 

Once you figure out your “what” when it comes to boundaries, the “how” is the final step before expressing the boundaries. It can be scary to express boundaries but remember, it is a gift to the person you are interacting with when you set clear boundaries. If they make you feel like you are a burden, you may want to reconsider the relationship.

Effective Communication Strategies for Setting Boundaries

• Validate the other person's point of view. Empathy goes a long way.

• Apologize less, only apologize when it's truly warranted. You don't need to apologize for bringing up an issue with someone, for example, because you have done nothing wrong by setting a boundary, even if they don’t like it. 

• Avoid making assumptions about the other person's motives or thoughts. Definitely don't accuse someone based on those assumptions.

• Be respectful. Disagreeing with someone or being hurt by them are not justifications for yelling, insulting, or attacking.

• Speak from the "I" perspective

  • Example: Instead of "you don't pay attention to my needs," try "I feel upset that my needs aren't being met. Can we talk about how to work on that together?"

• If what you have to say is unpleasant, don't sugarcoat. Be upfront and honest without trying to be "nice;" it's a crutch and it helps no one. You are responsible for your feelings and for expressing them appropriately but you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings. 

• LISTEN! This seems obvious but so often, we listen to respond as opposed to listening to understand. Without understanding the other person, your communication will fall flat.

Seeking Support: When to Consider Couples Counseling or Sex Therapy

Hopefully all of this information will set you up for success while setting boundaries in your relationships. If you still find yourself needing more help, there are more resources out there to assist you. Positive Psychology has a great guide to creating boundaries including some worksheets to help encourage self-reflection around it. Mind Body Green offers elaboration on the types of boundaries and examples of each. Finally, Love is Respect is both a great general resource for healthy relationship tips and they also have a specific guide to setting boundaries. 

If you're ready to set healthy boundaries and strengthen your relationship, we're here to help. Reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness today for expert sex therapy and couples counseling in Chicago. Our compassionate therapists are ready to support you on your journey to a more fulfilling and respectful relationship. Contact us now to schedule your free consultation!

Desire Discrepancy: What It Is And What You Can Do

Differences in libido within a sexual relationship are bound to happen at some point and it is even more likely in the context of a global pandemic. These differences, sometimes called desire discrepancy, can be a huge source of tension between partners and it’s not always within our control. There are tons of factors that play into our desire for sex and with so many variables, it can feel difficult to understand. That’s why we’re going to cover the factors involved and what to do about it. 

Factors Influencing Libido

There are a litany of factors that influence our libido, which is why it can fluctuate ever so frequently. Particularly in a time when more or less everyone’s stress level is heightened, libidos are all over the place. Many people are experiencing a shift in how their libido functions and fluctuates; annoying for sure, but definitely normal. There are several reasons this fluctuation occurs, within or outside pandemic times.  

• Hormones/Biology

  • Hormones fluctuate for a variety of reasons like a menstrual cycle, stress (more on that next), and aging. As hormones fluctuate, they can affect your libido. This is a pretty unavoidable factor, but understanding how and when your hormones fluctuate might help you understand changes in your libido. If you’re seriously concerned about how your hormones shift and the outfall from that, talk to your medical provider.  

• Stress 

  • Stress does some pretty crazy things to the body, including affecting libido. It both physically and mentally influences your desire to have sex. Physically, your hormone production changes when you’re under stress like increased cortisol, which lowers libido. Mentally, when you have a busy brain you can’t mindfully enjoy sexual pleasure as much and it can even preclude you from orgasming. Plus, stress by definition puts a strain which is exhausting, yet another reason you might not be feeling up to getting down.

• Medication

  • Some types of medications can suppress libido as a side effect, especially antidepressants. If this is the case for you and it is significantly hindering your enjoyment of life or otherwise undesirable, talk to your doctor about possibly adjusting your medication(s). 

• Trauma

  • Any trauma, but especially sexual trauma, can negatively affect libido. Everyone reacts to trauma differently; some people become more sexual, some don’t want anything to do with sex, and some fall in between. 

• Relationship to our bodies 

  • Lots of people struggle with loving their own body, especially during a pandemic when people are stress eating and lacking access to their usual exercise resources. If you’re feeling particularly down about your body, it could be affecting your sexual interest. When you feel unattractive or uncomfortable in your skin, it’s less likely that you’ll want to expose yourself and be vulnerable in that way with another person.

What Can I Do? 

While this is a frustrating issue, it’s not insurmountable! Don’t despair just yet because there are lots of things you can try.

• Schedule sex

  • So many romanticized sex scenes involve passionate, spur of the moment heat. That doesn’t mean that planned sex is any less hot though! It doesn’t have to be a buzzkill to the thrill; the lead-up and tension building to the time compound the excitement and anticipation. Especially in longer term relationships, sex can move to the back burner in favor of more urgent priorities. For healthy relationships (that involve people who do typically want to have sex, as opposed to people who do not typically want sex) sex can be both a fun, connecting experience and a way to increase physical and emotional intimacy. For these reasons, it’s important to incorporate consistent sexual encounters into your life! Scheduling sex allows this to be a more conscious process of incorporation. It can relieve some of the stress of initiating sex and ensures that you make time for it. Of course, this isn’t an iron-clad schedule! If the time rolls around and someone isn’t feeling it, there should be no obligation to follow through. Perhaps you can agree on another pleasurable activity that everyone is up for, even if it’s not sex, like like cuddling or kissing, which is elaborated on below.

• Determine the root issue

  • When applicable, try to solve the root issues of a lacking libido (in the instance that this is not your norm). If it’s stress, consider working with a psychotherapist to develop coping strategies and stronger self-care habits. If it is body image, do some body positive activities, join support groups on social media, speak to a psychotherapist, and read up. You get the point, effects on libido are a symptom; to really solve it long term, you need to address the root.  

• If you wanna get something done, do it yourself

  • Self-pleasure is important to a healthy sex life both because it helps you know your own body and preferences better, and because it nurtures your need for sexual fulfillment. It won’t be the same as partnered sex but that doesn’t mean it’s “worse”. Masturbation isn’t the “backup option” for sex; both masturbation and sex can, and for many people should, exist in a healthy sex life. For those wanting to treat themselves, consider investing in sex toys from a body-safe shop like Spectrum Boutique, Unbound, or Peepshow Toys.

• Consider an open relationship 

  • Open relationships won’t be everyone’s cup of tea but they’re worth considering especially if mismatched libido is a persistent issue and causes tension in the relationship. One of our recent blog posts offers a guide for people considering an open relationship. 

• Say no 

  • Everyone has the absolute, unquestionable right to say “no,” no questions asked. That being said, it might be beneficial for a relationship if when someone says no to sex, that they provide reassurance. This can help the person wanting sex to avoid feelings of undesirability or otherwise negative thoughts. 

• Explore non-sexual intimacy 

  • Sometimes the desire for sex is rooted in a desire for physical touch. Even if one person involved in the relationship isn’t wanting sex, it’s worth having a conversation about how to incorporate other types of physical touch like cuddling or kissing routinely. It can increase feelings of intimacy and care without involving sex and this compromise can assuage the tension around mismatched libidos. 

• See a sex therapist 

  • While there tends to be stigma around sex therapy, there shouldn’t be! Sex therapy, for either an individual or for partners, is a great resource, particularly if differences in libido persistently cause conflict in a relationship. Embrace Sexual Wellness offers individual, relationship and sex therapy so if you’re feeling like you need a facilitator to help you out, go for it. Investing in the wellness of yourself and your loved one(s) is essential to your happiness, regardless of whether that involves psychotherapy.  

Desire discrepancy isn’t anyone’s fault. Try to practice some empathy and think about how your partner might feel in addition to you. And always remember: this issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t one partner’s fault (and so on and so forth when there are more than two involved); it’s you all against the problem. 

Consent, Communication, and Compersion, Oh My! A Guide on How to Open Your Relationship

Compulsory monogamy is the expectation that many, if not all, of us have grown up around. There is very little discussion about or representation of alternate romantic relationship structures. In the past few years, polyamory has become a little less foreign to the general public; however, that doesn’t mean that most people know how to practice ethical non-monogamy, also known as consensual non-monogamy or polyamory. With that in mind, this is a non-comprehensive guide on how to get started with opening up a relationship.

Some Key Terms

Before talking about the how, we need to talk about the what.    

• Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

• Metamour: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship

• Primary/nesting partner: In a hierarchical ENM relationship, the person (or persons) in the relationship with the highest degree of involvement or entanglement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance.

• Polyamory/ethical (or consensual) non-monogamy: when someone is in romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people at once. Does not necessitate marriage, like polygamy does.

• Polygamy: more of a legal term, this refers to the practice of specifically marrying more than one person. Often religiously affiliated. Not interchangeable with polyamory.

• Open: at least one person in a committed relationship is open to sex with other people; does not involve a romantic aspect. "Open" has evolved to become used as an umbrella term for all non-monogamy.

• Swinging: when couples exchange partners.

• Monogamish: when a couple is mostly monogamous with occasional extracurricular experiences.

• Relationship anarchy: relationship anarchists believe in judging the value of relationships on a case by case basis, independent of sexual relationships, as opposed to how society tends to value sexual relationships over platonic relationships.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of all polyamory-adjacent terms but it’s a good start. An important distinction as well is polyamorous vs. open relationships. The New York Times offers a wonderful explanation of the difference between open relationships and other forms of polyamory. In short though, polyamory (as in the relationship structure, not the self-identifier) means that multiple people are romantically and/or sexually involved at the same time. Open relationships are when at least one partner is free to explore outside the relationship and often function for solely sexual purposes as opposed to romantic. All open relationships are a form of polyamory, but not all polyamorous relationship are open, such as in the instance of a closed triad. 

Why Isn’t It Cheating? 

Ah, the million dollar question. One of the biggest stigmas that polyamorous people face is that they are overly promiscuous cheating scum. In actuality, healthy, ethical polyamorous relationships have similar standards to monogamy in that both require openness, honesty, and communication. 

Cheating is non-consensual; it is a unilateral decision to break set boundaries in a relationship. Polyamory, when done right, is a deliberate consensual collaboration in which the boundaries set, while different from monogamous relationships, similarly cannot be crossed. 

Not to mention, cheating is possible in a polyamorous relationship; for example, if the people in the relationship agree that none of them can sleep with anyone that the people in the relationship know already, and then one of them sleeps with a friend, that is cheating. 

We’ve Got the What, Now for the How

1. Research, research, and more research

   1. When you embark on the journey to open up a relationship, there is a lot to learn. Some questions you might seek answers to in your research are “what is my own comfort level with x, y, z?” “how do I mitigate jealousy?” “what boundaries will make me feel safe?” “what needs to happen to ensure mutual trust?” There are external resources at the bottom of the article.

2. Opening your relationship is not a solution

   1. If your motivation for opening your relationship is to fix existing issues, stop. It will only serve to enlarge the wedge between you and your partner. Opening up a relationship should be a conscious desire and choice, not a bandaid. 

3. Setting boundaries

   1. Before opening up the relationship, you must set boundaries and expectations to avoid inadvertently hurting someone. Note that you should be agreeing on boundaries, not rules. An explanation of the distinction can be found here. Some boundaries to consider might include who you do/do not use barrier methods with during sexual encounters, how much you share with a partner about your exploits/metamours, whether you want to meet metamours, and how shared spaces will function. 

4. The big green monster in the room

   1. Jealousy. This is what most people think of as their first objection to practicing polyamory. It will take work and patience to grapple with your jealousy, but it is definitely possible. An amazing resource for working through jealousy is The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola. 

5. Communication nation

   1. This is probably the most important tool in your relationship toolbox: COMMUNICATION. It is vital for any relationship, and that goes doubly for polyamory. While some people opt for a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about what happens outside of the relationship, this is not recommended. It allows anxiety to fester until it turns to resentment. Generally speaking, the best practice for most people is to be completely transparent about what they’re doing, with whom, for how long, practicing agreed upon boundaries.  

As was mentioned, this is not an exhaustive guide and you will need to seek out more information. Below are some resources:

• "The Ethical Slut" by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton 

• "More than Two" by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

• "Building Open Relationships" by Dr. Liz Powell

• "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating & Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino

• ConsciousPolyamory.org

• MoreThanTwo.com

• alt.poly 

• Unmarried.org