How to Manage Family Pressure During the Holiday Season

It is hard to believe that the holiday season is just around the corner. The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of unfettered joy but it can also bring about significant stress and pressure, especially when it comes to spending an elongated period with family. Whether that is due to intrusive questions, unsupportive attitudes towards lifestyle and identity, complex interpersonal dynamics, or some combination of factors, dealing with family drama can quickly become overwhelming. In this article, we will explore practical tips on how to manage family stress and maintain your wellbeing so you can enjoy yourself to the fullest extent possible.

How do you deal with family pressure during the holidays?

Set clear boundaries beforehand

Boundaries are important year-round, but especially when you anticipate spending extra time together. Boundaries typically fall into the following categories: physical, time, conversational, content, emotional, material, and sexual and there are plenty of resources that dive deeper into what those look like and how to communicate them.  

Create an escape plan

Having the option to get away, even temporarily, can relieve some of the pressure because you know you have a way out if all goes wrong. Maybe this means going on a walk, finding a quiet room to decompress (and, if necessary, asking the host ahead of time which room you can use), volunteering to run an errand, or asking a friend if you can hang out with them if you need to leave entirely. 

Cope ahead

Coping ahead entails preparing ahead of time for an anticipated stressor so you do not need to scramble to figure out how to help yourself in the stressful moment itself. A great resource is a portable “coping kit;” the contents will vary from person to person but the goal is to equip yourself with tools to help you keep your cool. Some ideas for what to include in a coping kit are something that smells nice (e.g., an herbal sachet), a fidget toy, a photo that makes you happy, and something you can taste like candy or gum.      

Prepare (your response) ahead of time

If there are sensitive, tense subjects that your family often brings up such as your relationship status, family planning decisions, eating habits, or your identity, it is wise to plan how you might respond to them. Here’s an example of what you could say: “I know you do not mean harm, but talking about [insert topic] makes me uncomfortable. If I am ready to broach that topic with you in the future, I will. I would ask that you refrain from bringing it up until that time. If you continue to try to speak about it with me, I will need to remove myself from the conversation [or insert alternative here].”  

Lean on supportive individuals

In advance of the event, identify family members or friends who are empathetic and understanding. Ideally, this is someone who will also be at the gathering, but it is helpful to have someone available digitally as well. Give that person a heads up that you may need to rely on them a bit more than usual on whatever date(s) and how they can best support you. The advantage of arranging this in advance is that they can let you know if that is doable for them and so you both know what exactly would be helpful. 

Distinguish between tension versus a toxic environment

There are sometimes hazy lines between typical family stress and a toxic, abusive environment. There is so much societal pressure and expectation to endlessly put up with family simply because they are family. Often, survivors are accused of being unkind or ungrateful for walking away. There is nothing wrong with deciding that spending time with family hurts you more than helps you, and that you do not want to attend gatherings at all. Your priority is to protect yourself and your wellbeing, even if that means distance from family.  

TLDR 

The holiday season can be a challenging time when it comes to family pressure and stress. Intrusive questions and difficult relatives on top of the logistical stress of organizing and partaking in an event can take a toll on mental wellbeing. By setting boundaries, making a coping plan, and relying on your support network, you can empower yourself to handle these challenges more effectively.   

How to talk with your elementary school child about sex

Talking to kids about sex and sexual health can be an uncomfortable topic for many parents and it is hard to know how to approach it appropriately. However, open and honest communication is essential for their understanding and well-being. Sex is a fundamental part of being human and the sooner kids understand concepts like consent and safer sex practices, the better equipped they will be to navigate their relationships responsibly. Of course, there are developmentally appropriate ways to speak about sex and sex-related topics so you do not necessarily need to be talking to your kindergartener about birth control, for example. In this blog, we will provide tips for having developmentally appropriate conversations about sex and sexual health with elementary-age kids.

Which sex-related topics are appropriate for elementary school kids?

When it comes to discussing sex-related topics with elementary school kids, it is important to approach the conversation with developmentally appropriate information. The priority when speaking to young kids about sex is to provide a strong foundation for comprehensive sex education in the long term. Some topics to start with are body parts, reproduction, gender and identity, and consent.   

Body Parts

Before you can discuss anything else, a child must have the vocabulary to express and understand sexual health. Avoid euphemisms for genitalia and instead use anatomically correct terminology like penis, testicles, vulva, and vagina. This helps to de-stigmatize these words. AmazeJr for Kids: Help kids learn about their bodies [with Tusky & Friends] and Advocates for Youth have helpful resources on body parts.

Reproduction

Reproduction is fundamental to human existence; it is why sex exists in the first place. Therefore, this is an essential topic to cover from a young age. When discussing reproduction with young kids, you do not have to go into graphic detail but you can share the basic facts. An example of when this might come up is if someone the child knows gets pregnant. We recommend this guide from Planned Parenthood and this roundup of children's books for talking to kids about pregnancy.

Gender & Sexual Identity

When discussing gender and sexual identity with kids, you can introduce the concepts of gender, different sexualities, and pronouns. This may require you to assess some of your own biases and knowledge limitations, and you should educate yourself before introducing these concepts to a child. An example of when this might come up is if the child themself is questioning their gender and/or sexuality, or if a classmate comes out as queer. Gender Spectrum and Sex Positive Families have some useful resources for talking about gender and sexual identities.      

Consent & Bodily Autonomy

Consent and bodily autonomy are integral subjects to cover since they are relevant beyond a sexual context. Kids should understand how to respect and communicate personal boundaries. Explain that everyone has the right to say “no” to unwanted physical contact and that it is important to ask for permission before touching someone else. An example of when this might come up is giving and receiving hugs from peers. Consent at Every Age by Harvard and My Space, Your Space are some great resources to explore.

How do I make the conversation accessible and comfortable?

Once you know what you need to talk about, you might still be unsure of how to convey this information effectively. Here are some recommendations to guide your approach to these conversations. 

1. Utilize external resources like books and videos.

A daunting part of talking about these topics is that you yourself might not feel equipped or knowledgeable enough to teach a child. Fortunately, there are tons of resources available to educate both you and your child including these created by Amaze and Planned Parenthood.

• For kids who are curious about queerness, consider these resources for Families of LGBTQ+ People - PFLAG NYC

• For questions about changing bodies and puberty, consider this guide from Planned Parenthood

• For questions about pregnancy and birth, consider this resource from Advocates for Youth 

If you are still feeling uncertain about approaching these subjects with your child, consider reaching out to a sexuality educator who can give you more specific guidance and support.

2. Be open, non-judgmental, and inclusive.

A central goal of having these conversations with your child should be to position yourself as a safe person for them to come to with sex and body-related questions and problems throughout their development. By encouraging their curiosity, speaking non-judgmentally, and providing education that accounts for a variety of sexualities and gender identities, you can encourage your child to be comfortable coming to you with questions and problems in the long term. 

For example, perhaps down the line your child will question their sexuality and that often comes with a fear of rejection from loved ones. If you have made it clear that you are accepting and non-judgmental, they are more likely to come to you while navigating their self-discovery. In this scenario, you can first make sure they know that you love and support them no matter how they identify. Then, if they would like to have a conversation about it, let them take the lead and share what they feel comfortable with. Finally, you can offer them resources like videos, books, support groups, and the opportunity to talk with LGBTQ+ adults in your life.        

3. Utilize everyday opportunities.

In your daily life, there are bound to be prompts to discuss key concepts with your child. For example, if someone in your family’s life becomes pregnant, you can use that opportunity to explain how babies are made with your child.  

Having open and honest conversations with kids about sex and sexual health is crucial for their understanding, well-being, and ability to navigate the world responsibly. While these conversations may feel uncomfortable or challenging for parents, they will provide your child with the knowledge and skills they need to navigate sexual health and relationships healthily and confidently. On that note, what about when your child is uncomfortable? If your child does express that they are uncomfortable, that is a boundary that should be respected. First of all, you can try to give them some agency by asking if a different time or location for the conversation would be more comfortable. If they still refuse, as is their right, you can provide them access to educational resources and try again in a few weeks.  

Resources for Ongoing Learning

It is impossible to cover every subject and the nuances of these conversations in depth in one article so this is not a comprehensive guide. Here are some resources for further learning:

• Tips for Talking to Your Kids About Sex & Relationships 

• Handling the Birds and the Bees: How to Have the 'Sex Talk' With Your Kids 

• When and How to Talk to Kids About Sex | Psychology Today 

• How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex 

• Talk to Your Kids About Sex and Healthy Relationships - MyHealthfinder | health.gov  

• How to talk to kids about sex: An age-by-age guide to sex education for parents 

• When To Talk To Your Child About Sexual Health - Mayo Clinic Press 

• Queer Kid Stuff

• Ask Roo | The Sexual Health Chatbot from Planned Parenthood

• Parents’ Checklist to Support Their Children’s Sex Education

• The case for starting sex ed in kindergarten (hula hoops recommended)

• Amaze Sex Education for Kids - Resources for Parents

Worried About Personal Safety as a Trans Person? Tips for the Trans Community and Allies

In light of current political turmoil and discrimination surrounding the transgender and non-binary population, it’s more important than ever for transgender people to be equipped with knowledge to navigate the world as safely as possible. In data released in October 2022 by Everytown for Gun Safety, the number of trans people murdered in the U.S. nearly doubled between 2017 and 2021. There is a constant barrage of mocking pronouns and non-cisgender gender identities by politicians and the public alike. Extremists at the 2023 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) have called for the eradication of transgender people. It is a deeply scary time to be a trans person especially if you live in a hostile home and/or geographic region. In such a circumstance, there are unfortunately no infallible safety methods, but there are precautions you can take to increase your chances of staying safe.

How Can I Maximize My Safety? 

It’s a good idea to have at least a loose grasp of your region’s political climate so you understand your surroundings better. You should also be aware of the factors that make you an easier target. Unfortunately, trans people who don’t “pass” as a cisgender person are more likely to be harmed, and feminine-presenting trans people are also more likely to be harmed since women are already at a higher risk of experiencing violence. Understanding these factors will help you navigate how cautious you need to be.  

Safety Tips

• Seek out a local or online self-defense class

• Navigate public spaces with a trusted friend or family member whenever possible, especially at night

• Stay alert in public spaces – try to stay off your phone while walking

• If someone tries to assault you verbally or physically, get loud; this will hopefully scare off the perpetrator and if not, it may get the attention of a good samaritan who can intervene

• Leave a trail before going out: make sure someone you trust knows where you will be

• If you live in a hostile home environment, consider compiling a “get away bag” in the event that you need to make a hasty exit for your safety

• Check out this safety planning tool by Forge, a transgender support organization

• Seek out the support of a trans supportive organization for funding to access gender-affirming care and/or to move somewhere safer

• Trans Housing Coalition

• Trans Justice Funding Project

• Community Funds: Trans Women of Color Collective

• Out In The Open

• For the Gworls         

Forging Community

Building a small community of supportive people in your life to offset the detrimental effects on mental health of the transgender discrimination you will likely face is a vital lifeline. This can be a difficult task if you live in a hostile geographic region; you can try Googling your location plus keywords like “trans support,” “LGBTQ support group,” and “LGBTQ resources.” If that ends up being a fruitless endeavor, it’s time to turn to the internet.

Having friends solely online may not be as fulfilling as friends you can see face to face for most people but it is a far better option than feeling completely isolated in a discriminatory environment.

Here are some online support group options:

• Stand with Trans: Support for Trans Youth & their Families

• Find Your Trans Community in an Online Plume Support Group

• Trans Lifeline

• LGBTribe – The Tribe

• The Trevor Project      

Tips for Trans Allies

Being a trans ally is more important than ever. Cisgender people have privilege compared to transgender people and leveraging that privilege is integral to fighting for trans rights and safety.

• Educate yourself on key terminology relating to gender and the political and wellbeing issues surrounding the trans community 

• Do not take the liberty of sharing someone’s transgender status with anyone who doesn’t already know. As the LGBTQ organization GLAAD puts it, “Do not casually share this information, speculate, or gossip about a person you know or think is transgender. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender diversity.”

• Do not ask invasive questions about a transgender person’s gender assigned at birth or their anatomy

• Challenge anti-trans rhetoric in conversation; cisgender privilege allows you to do so with much less risk of compromising your personal safety than if a transgender person were to do so

• Read this comprehensive guide to being an ally for more actionable steps or visit ESW’s resource page

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The most important thing to remember as a trans person is that being trans is not bad or wrong and the issues with being transgender have to do with hate and vitriol from bigots, not the inherent nature of being trans. Try to indulge in consuming trans joy content when you feel particularly down about being trans because the reality is that being trans is a beautiful thing and you deserve to feel happy and safe. Your challenges and struggles are real and valid, and they don’t define your wholeness.