3 Ways to Queer Your Relationship

Whether you’re aware of it or not, societal expectations and social systems of oppression, like white supremacy, capitalism, patriarchy, laws, and more heavily influence how we form relationships. For instance, the rise of the isolated nuclear family (two parents and their children living together) as opposed to interconnected extended families was prompted following the Great Depression and World War I. This was due in part to the fact that it allowed for the proliferation of generational wealth - to the disadvantage of the working class. This is one example of many that illustrates how social institutions (in this case, capitalism) have shaped modern relationship norms. Unfortunately, this limits people from achieving their most fulfilling relationship dynamic. It’s never too late to start unlearning toxic societal ideals though!

“Queering” is difficult to define because the nature of queerness is ambiguous. It started as a method of media analysis that utilizes queer theory to reinterpret and challenge heteronormativity and gender roles in popular media. More broadly, it refers to challenging the societal norms and institutions that oppress anyone who dares to exist in opposition to them. That’s still a bit nebulous so let’s talk about what the “queering” of a relationship tangibly looks like: 

Let go of heteronormative ideas of how relationships function

Heteronormativity is “the assumption that heterosexuality is the standard for defining normal sexual behavior and that male-female differences and gender roles are the natural and immutable essentials in normal human relations.” To be clear, challenging heteronormativity does not mean invalidating heterosexuality but rather the toxic assumption that heterosexuality is the only valid way to exist. Rejecting heteronormativity in your relationship might look like confronting your assumptions about sexuality in general; intentionally evaluating whether the heteronormative version of “normal relationships” is right for you in. Heteronormativity is strict in its expectation that the only valid romantic relationships exist between a cisgender, heterosexual man and woman in a monogamous relationship. Unsurprisingly, this script does not suit as many people as it claims to but because it is ingrained as the “default” option, many people simply don’t even realize there are alternatives to be considered. If you haven’t already done soul searching surrounding your own desires in terms of your sexuality and your preferences for monogamy or non-monogamy, that is an important first step.

Let go of binary gender roles

Binary gender roles are a byproduct of heteronormativity in which all people are classified as one of two genders, male or female, typically decided based on the appearance of genitalia at birth. This is a rigid understanding of the concepts of sex and gender which attempts to pigeonhole people based on arbitrary assumptions pertaining to one’s gender. An example of how gender roles manifest is the assumption that women will want to be homemakers and men will be breadwinners. Unlearning these ingrained ideas about gender essentialism is no easy task. It involves reconsidering everything we have been told is “normal.” It’s worthwhile to sit down with your partner(s) and evaluate how gender roles manifest in your relationship; do you make assumptions about one another’s preferences based on their gender? Does everyone feel safe to express their gender identity authentically around one another? Do you surround your relationship with people who help you outgrow the limitations of the gender binary?

Intentionally create a relationship that fulfills the needs of all involved

Here are some questions to consider with your partner(s): 

• Is everyone involved in the relationship satisfied with its status regarding monogamy? Would it benefit the relationship to consider alternative structures like a form of non-monogamy?

• If anyone in the relationship is queer, do they feel validated in their identity within the relationship?

• Do you prioritize your romantic relationship(s) over platonic ones? If so, why, and does that serve you?  

Queerness, and queering, are very nuanced concepts that cannot be done full justice in a singular blog post. You might consider speaking to a therapist at Embrace Sexual Wellness if you’re struggling to get started with queering your relationship. If you’re interested in learning more on your own, here are some resources:

• Queer Relationships Zine

• The Joys of Queering Your Relationships

• Queering Relationships: Toward a Paradigmatic Shift

• Queering Gender, Queering Relationships

• How To "Queer" A Heterosexual Relationship

• My Queer Friendships Taught Me How to Love

• queering heterosexuality | The Anarchist Library

• Queering Relationships: Aromantic and Asexual Perspectives

• Queering Marriage: The Homoradical and Anti-Normativity

• Queering Marriage | Rutgers University Press

• Queering Relationships

• Queering intimacies, families and companionships 

Tips for Managing Conflict in Relationships

All relationships at some point will encounter conflict. It takes work to nurture the relationship and work through conflict, but it certainly can be a daunting task. Not everyone is fortunate enough to grow up around role models of healthy relationships which can make navigating relationship conflict even more frustrating. Luckily, relationship conflict is nothing new and there are tons of ways to make it less stressful for you and your partner(s). It’s important to be able to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy conflict management, to understand one’s own emotion regulation capacity, and to communicate effectively and efficiently. No two relationships are made the same so not every tactic will work for every person or dynamic, but there are general principles that have a wide range of applications. Let’s talk about some of them.

Healthy Conflict Vs. Abusive Conflict 

Healthy conflict is when...

• Partners choose words that are respectful and don’t attack a person’s character, call them names, or raise their voice at them. 

• All partners feel safe bringing up issues without fear of retaliation.

• Partners practice active listening and healthy communication techniques (more on those later!). 

• Boundaries are respected. 

• Apologies are genuine and not predicated on excuses or invalidating the recipient’s feelings.

• The goal is to ultimately find the underlying foundational cause of the conflict in order to address the problem at the root.

• All people involved are in a clear, wise minded headspace coming into the argument. 

• Partners are making requests instead of complaints. For example, instead of “you never ask me how my day was when I come home,” you might try something like “hey when my day is over I like to decompress by talking about it. Would you mind making an effort to ask me about it?”.

It may be an abusive conflict if...

• It involves physical harm, emotional manipulation, yelling, name-calling, or personal attacks.

• The conflict surrounds one partner attempting to overly control the other(s) such as disallowing socializing outside the relationship.

• The conflict surrounds a partner’s jealous or possessive behavior. 

• Conflict arises more often than not and the relationship feels like a constant uphill battle full of arguments.

• The same issues come up repeatedly without appropriate behavioral changes being made.  

Communication Tips

• Speak your mind in a timely manner, don’t let resentment build

• Take time outs if needed. When one or multiple partners are in an intense emotional headspace, it’s near impossible to have a productive, effective conversation. Make time to cool down when needed but set a specific time limit for the break, whether that’s minutes, hours, or days, so that the conversation doesn’t accidentally fall by the wayside. 

• Speak from the “I” perspective and avoid making assumptions about the offending person’s intent. For example, instead of “you don’t care about my hobbies,” you might say something like “I feel unappreciated when you neglect to listen to me talk about my hobbies.” 

• Approach the conflict as all partner(s) versus the conflict rather than partner(s) versus partner(s). The goal is to work together to solve the problem, not to create adversity. 

• Practice genuine, reparative apologizing. To learn more about how to do that, check out this Time Magazine article.

• When possible, give the other party/ies the benefit of the doubt. Most people are trying their very best at any given moment. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold them accountable or you shouldn’t have your needs met, only that you should do your best to give them grace.

• Figure out what coping tactics work best to regulate your own emotions. Emotion regulation and interpersonal communication skills based in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) work well for many people.

• Try to prioritize being effective over being right. Sometimes you may need to agree to disagree instead of beating a dead horse and sowing additional discord.

If you incorporate these tips and skills into your conflict management and you still encounter significant obstacles, consider working with a systemically trained relationship therapist like our team of clinicians. Conflict arises in all healthy relationships and does not mean the relationship is doomed. The difference between healthy and abusive relationships in terms of conflict is how it is handled. The better everyone involved understands emotion regulation and conflict management, the more effective conflict management will become. All relationships are a work in progress and luckily, by definition, you don’t need to work on it alone.   

Additional Resources  

• How to Determine and Communicate Boundaries in Relationships

• Resistance and Conflict in DBT 

• How to Apologize to Different People in Your Life

• Emotion Regulation in DBT  

• Conflict resolution 

• 10 Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 7 Tips for Handling Conflict in Your Relationship

• Managing Versus Resolving Conflict 

• 24 Tips for Conflict Resolution in an Intimate Relationship 

The Importance of Consent During A Pandemic

Consent has always been an important topic. However, during the time of coronavirus, practicing consent is more pressing than ever before. We are not only thinking of consent in terms of sexual interactions, but we are also now thinking of consent in terms of touching, hugging, distancing, etc. During this pandemic, we have recognized a greater need to respect others’ boundaries. Now we have to decide if we are okay meeting a friend outdoors for a social distance hangout, giving someone a hug, giving someone an elbow bump, etc. 

What Is Consent?

In its most basic definition, consent means to give one’s approval. More broadly, it means to set boundaries of what you are okay with. When giving consent you are agreeing to an activity or letting another person know you are okay with something happening. If you do not wish to engage in an activity, you are saying no, which is revoking your consent. It’s important to know your boundaries when entering into social interactions so you know what activities you are comfortable consenting to. 

Here are some questions to allow you to understand your boundaries better: 

• Will you hug your friend, when you meet for coffee?

• Are you okay if a friend gives you a high five?

• How about an elbow bump?

These are some examples of consent in a non-sexual context. Many look at consent in a largely sexual context, but the concept of consent applies to all aspects of life. Consent is typically taught through the acronym FRIES, meaning that consent is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. This acronym clearly breaks down what consent is and gives a framework for conversations surrounding consent. 

Let’s break down the meaning behind the FRIES acronym. Freely given means consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or the influence of drugs and alcohol. Reversible means when you consent to something you are not consenting forever. Anyone can change their mind about what they are comfortable doing at any time. Informed means consent includes details. For example if you say ‘yes’ to having sex while using a condom, you are not consenting to having sex without a condom. Enthusiastic means that it is said enthusiastically and there is no doubt that you want or do not want to engage in an activity. Specific means saying yes to one thing, does not mean you are saying yes to another thing. For example, if you say yes to making out, that does not mean you are saying yes to having oral sex. While for some, it may seem like the natural progression of sexual relations, but that does not mean that everyone feels this way. Even if you think that someone agrees to being sexual with you, asking for consent is still necessary.

Why Is Consent Important During Covid?

Since the beginning of the pandemic  boundaries have likely changed. We are facing new challenges relating to interactions with others and even ourselves. Respecting personal boundaries is always important, but now it is critical. Mutual respect is arguably more important than ever. And productive communication is necessary. 

Some of these boundaries may include not taking off masks in social interactions, not eating at a restaurant, not going inside of a store, etc. Practicing consent means respecting these boundaries and not making someone do something that makes them feel unsafe. Consent is critical to protect you, your friends and family, and your relationships with others.  

Be Honest and Have Open Conversations

Always let those around you know when you are doing something that increases the risk of Covid. For example, if you are out with friends, instead of taking off your mask right away, ask if they are comfortable with you doing so. Ask if your friends are comfortable doing specific activities such as eating at a restaurant or having a picnic in the park, if they aren't, don't do it. It’s that simple. It all comes down to respect.

Don’t just ask if people are comfortable with what you are doing. Be open to input! In these unprecedented times, we are all learning with and from each other. Don’t just agree with your friends, but ask them why they are choosing not to do something.

When you make a commitment to respect those around you you should also assure them that you will only do things that make them feel safe without any judgment or cold feelings. 

Make Sure Boundaries are Clear

Make sure that there is no pressure when asking someone if they are comfortable doing something. Peer pressure has been shown to be highly influential in changing individuals’ attitudes. When a person feels pressured by peers, they may make decisions because they feel they have to rather than because they want to. One way to reduce pressure is to let others know that any choice that they make is valid and you will respect that choice.   

Important Questions to Ask

Your friends are not mind readers and neither are you. That is why it is important to have constructive conversations in order to help your friends understand you better and vice versa. As you ask questions about the other’s boundaries, think about how you would answer them yourself in order to think critically about your own boundaries. 

Here are some questions to consider asking your friends:

• Are you comfortable with hugs right now?

• How would you feel if I took off my mask while we walk?

• Do you feel safe doing _______ (insert activity here)?

• Which activities are you comfortable with right now? 

• Which activities are you uncomfortable with right now?

Remember that everyone has different boundaries and that all boundaries are valid. It is important to have these conversations to make sure that everyone is on the same page. Make sure that whoever you are with consents to any activity that you do. Consent is key in any relationship.