Consent has always been an important topic. However, during the time of coronavirus, practicing consent is more pressing than ever before. We are not only thinking of consent in terms of sexual interactions, but we are also now thinking of consent in terms of touching, hugging, distancing, etc. During this pandemic, we have recognized a greater need to respect others’ boundaries. Now we have to decide if we are okay meeting a friend outdoors for a social distance hangout, giving someone a hug, giving someone an elbow bump, etc.
What Is Consent?
In its most basic definition, consent means to give one’s approval. More broadly, it means to set boundaries of what you are okay with. When giving consent you are agreeing to an activity or letting another person know you are okay with something happening. If you do not wish to engage in an activity, you are saying no, which is revoking your consent. It’s important to know your boundaries when entering into social interactions so you know what activities you are comfortable consenting to.
Here are some questions to allow you to understand your boundaries better:
Will you hug your friend, when you meet for coffee?
Are you okay if a friend gives you a high five?
How about an elbow bump?
These are some examples of consent in a non-sexual context. Many look at consent in a largely sexual context, but the concept of consent applies to all aspects of life. Consent is typically taught through the acronym FRIES, meaning that consent is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. This acronym clearly breaks down what consent is and gives a framework for conversations surrounding consent.
Let’s break down the meaning behind the FRIES acronym. Freely given means consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or the influence of drugs and alcohol. Reversible means when you consent to something you are not consenting forever. Anyone can change their mind about what they are comfortable doing at any time. Informed means consent includes details. For example if you say ‘yes’ to having sex while using a condom, you are not consenting to having sex without a condom. Enthusiastic means that it is said enthusiastically and there is no doubt that you want or do not want to engage in an activity. Specific means saying yes to one thing, does not mean you are saying yes to another thing. For example, if you say yes to making out, that does not mean you are saying yes to having oral sex. While for some, it may seem like the natural progression of sexual relations, but that does not mean that everyone feels this way. Even if you think that someone agrees to being sexual with you, asking for consent is still necessary.
Why Is Consent Important During Covid?
Since the beginning of the pandemic boundaries have likely changed. We are facing new challenges relating to interactions with others and even ourselves. Respecting personal boundaries is always important, but now it is critical. Mutual respect is arguably more important than ever. And productive communication is necessary.
Some of these boundaries may include not taking off masks in social interactions, not eating at a restaurant, not going inside of a store, etc. Practicing consent means respecting these boundaries and not making someone do something that makes them feel unsafe. Consent is critical to protect you, your friends and family, and your relationships with others.
Be Honest and Have Open Conversations
Always let those around you know when you are doing something that increases the risk of Covid. For example, if you are out with friends, instead of taking off your mask right away, ask if they are comfortable with you doing so. Ask if your friends are comfortable doing specific activities such as eating at a restaurant or having a picnic in the park, if they aren't, don't do it. It’s that simple. It all comes down to respect.
Don’t just ask if people are comfortable with what you are doing. Be open to input! In these unprecedented times, we are all learning with and from each other. Don’t just agree with your friends, but ask them why they are choosing not to do something.
When you make a commitment to respect those around you you should also assure them that you will only do things that make them feel safe without any judgment or cold feelings.
Make Sure Boundaries are Clear
Make sure that there is no pressure when asking someone if they are comfortable doing something. Peer pressure has been shown to be highly influential in changing individuals’ attitudes. When a person feels pressured by peers, they may make decisions because they feel they have to rather than because they want to. One way to reduce pressure is to let others know that any choice that they make is valid and you will respect that choice.
Important Questions to Ask
Your friends are not mind readers and neither are you. That is why it is important to have constructive conversations in order to help your friends understand you better and vice versa. As you ask questions about the other’s boundaries, think about how you would answer them yourself in order to think critically about your own boundaries.
Here are some questions to consider asking your friends:
Are you comfortable with hugs right now?
How would you feel if I took off my mask while we walk?
Do you feel safe doing _______ (insert activity here)?
Which activities are you comfortable with right now?
Which activities are you uncomfortable with right now?
Remember that everyone has different boundaries and that all boundaries are valid. It is important to have these conversations to make sure that everyone is on the same page. Make sure that whoever you are with consents to any activity that you do. Consent is key in any relationship.
