How Can Play Bring Back Intimacy in Adult Relationships? Insights from a Chicago Sex Therapist

How Can Play Bring Back Intimacy in Adult Relationships? Insights from a Chicago Sex Therapist

Adulting is a tough task. Between everyday stressors, work, household tasks, and other responsibilities, people often find themselves missing the playfulness and creativity they may have once held near and dear to them. Some folks may notice that relationships become more serious and lose their spontaneity. Sex therapists who emphasize the importance of play often get asked, “What does it mean to play as an adult?”

It is easy to think about play as something unique to childhood. However, play is a vital ingredient to adult development as well as emotional and erotic intimacy. As certified sex therapists, one of our favorite things to do is to help partners rediscover their sense of play to rekindle closeness, laughter, and sexual desire. Keep reading to learn more about why play is important, what often holds couples back, and how therapy can help. 

What Does ‘Play’ Mean in Adult Relationships? 

When talking about play, it is easy to imagine a young child playing pretend, or someone playing a game, but it can be hard to pinpoint exactly what it means to play. The National Institute for Play explains that play is an experience that brings people joy and pleasure. Play can encompass so many different things for different people and in different areas of life. 

Many people understand that play builds critical skills for children, like creativity, problem-solving, emotional regulation, critical thinking, and more. Research suggests play and creativity can enhance these same skills in adults! Playfulness in adults promotes relaxation, creative problem-solving, innovation, and stronger relationships, while helping reduce anxiety and burnout. 

It is important to note that when talking about playfulness in adults, therapists are not talking about immaturity. There is a difference between the two, with playfulness and creativity emphasizing emotional safety, trust, and mutual consent. 

Play in adult relationships doesn’t have to mean engaging in a sexy card game (although it can!), but more often it exists through creativity, imagination, and mutual engagement. In relationships, a playful connection can be seen through emotional intimacy, like shared humor and spontaneous gestures, and sexually by flirting or exploring new fantasies. Sex therapists often remind couples that not all play is about being silly. Many times, it is about being emotionally present and connected to partners. 

Why Playfulness Often Fades in Long-Term Relationships 

Clients often ask, “Why don’t we feel playful anymore?” or, “When did things become so serious for us?” The most common factors that contribute to this fade are stress, routines, emotional distance, shame, or fear of rejection. There are also cultural messages and expectations around what it means to be an adult, which can make being playful feel “childish” or shameful. 

The combination of any number of these factors can disconnect partners from the playful and creative parts of themselves, making it hard to access or feel awkward to reintroduce. When couples lose the ability to be playful, they often lose the spontaneity in their intimacy as well. In therapy, we can examine the ways play has dimmed and explore the patterns that dampen desire.

How Play Can Deepen Emotional and Sexual Intimacy 

As previously mentioned, play allows people to relax and simply find joy in their day. This creates the perfect setup for curiosity, humor, and presence, which are all important pieces of fostering a secure connection with partners. When entering into this playful space, partners share with each other that they feel safe to be themselves, which builds trust and emotional intimacy. This creates a space for feeling connected and being our most vulnerable and unmasked selves. This playful energy can be brought out in simple ways, like shared laughter or flirting. 

Play can also aid in the strengthening of sexual intimacy. Sometimes sex can be awkward, or it can feel so serious that it is clouded by pressure and anxiety.  When partners are playful, stress levels and anxiety lower, allowing them to be more in the moment with those around them and reducing the need to perform. If partners feel safe and connected to one another, it allows them to be more present and authentic, which often leads to increased desire and intimacy in relationships.  A 2024 study found that couples with a positive sense of humor regarding their sex life felt closer and even felt more satisfied in their sex lives. 

As Chicago sex therapists, we find play is a wonderful tool that can help couples move from pressure and perfectionism towards connection and pleasure.

Common Barriers to Play in the Bedroom 

Some of the most common obstacles to feeling playful in the bedroom include: 

• Sexual shame or trauma

• Fear of being judged

• Performance anxiety

• Desire discrepancies

• Lack of communication

These can feel very challenging to navigate, and many couples in Chicago who visit our practice feel uncertain about how to ‘lighten up’ around sex after years of stress or conflict. But no one has to do it alone! A trained therapist can help explore these barriers safely and build more playfulness into a couple’s relationship.

How a Sex Therapist Helps Couples Rediscover Play 

Some therapists integrate play, art, and other creative methods into traditional talk therapy to create a space where curiosity, laughter, and experimentation are welcomed. One of the best things about using play with couples is that it allows folks to express themselves differently and communicate about sex in a new way. If talking about sex feels uncomfortable or has led to conflict, sex therapists can help couples use play to increase humor and approach the conversation differently. Many times, the goal is to remove the pressure that has been created around sex.

Sex therapy can help partners explore the emotional blocks that inhibit play and collaborate with them to slowly introduce small ways of engaging in playfulness together. Together, therapists can help couples work on reframing shame and learn ways to communicate about sex without judgment. Once a space has been created where it feels safe to be playful and creative, partners can explore creative ways to boost sexual intimacy. Sometimes this will look like couples creating a shared list of erotic fantasies, and other times it may include non-goal-oriented touch activities. It can also look like drawing or sculpting the parts of oneself that are present in sexual contexts, which can be very helpful for couples when looking to deconstruct sexual shame. 

For couples seeking a sex therapist in Chicago who understand both emotional connection and sexual dynamics, our practice offers specialized sessions to rekindle intimacy through play.

Simple Ways to Bring More Play into Your Relationship 

Here are a few tips you can try to integrate more play into a relationship:

• Flirt like you did when you first met

• Have a spontaneous dance party

• Use humor to defuse tension

• Play a “yes, and…” game to practice curiosity

• Schedule “unstructured” time to connect

• Try something new (new class, new activity, new restaurant, etc.) 

These tips are not one-size-fits-all, nor are they exhaustive. Couples therapy can support partners in finding more tailored suggestions, and can make experimentation feel safer and more meaningful.

When to Seek Support from a Sex Therapist 

Some common signs that partners may need help rekindling playfulness include:

• Intimacy feels like pressure

• Conversations about sex often lead to conflict

• One or more partners feel disconnected

• Partners are feeling stuck with sex or the relationship

• The relationship feels like the spark is gone

Therapy can offer the tools to communicate and explore play and creativity safely together. If partners feel like the playfulness and connection have dimmed, working with a sex therapist can help to rediscover joy, creativity, and passion together.

TLDR 

Play is an essential part of emotional and sexual intimacy in relationships. Play is not just something people do, but is a state of being that is focused on joy and pleasure. It is the cornerstone of creativity and spontaneity in relationships and promotes a more authentic way of connecting with one another. Oftentimes, playfulness fades in adulthood for a number of reasons. Rediscovering play in a relationship can help couples reconnect through curiosity and laughter, creating a lasting bond.

If you’re ready to reignite playfulness and connection in your relationship, our team of Chicago sex therapists and relationship counselors can help you take the first step. Request a free consult here!

Is a Sleep Divorce Healthy for Couples? Understanding the Impact on Intimacy

For many couples, sharing a bed is assumed to be a marker of closeness, commitment, and a healthy relationship. When partners stop sleeping together, it can raise concerns about emotional distance or relationship trouble. Yet an increasing number of couples are choosing what is often referred to as a sleep divorce, where partners sleep in separate beds or rooms to improve rest.

As Chicago sex therapists, we often work with couples who are curious, conflicted, or quietly relieved by the idea of sleeping separately. The reality is that a sleep divorce can be healthy for some couples, challenging for others, and neutral for many. The key factor is not where partners sleep, but how sleep arrangements intersect with communication, emotional connection, and intimacy.

What Is a Sleep Divorce?

A sleep divorce simply means that partners choose to sleep separately on a regular or semi regular basis. This might involve separate bedrooms, different beds in the same room, or alternating sleep arrangements depending on schedules or needs.

Common reasons couples consider a sleep divorce include snoring, mismatched sleep schedules, insomnia, restless movement, medical conditions, perimenopause or menopause symptoms, anxiety, or differences in temperature or light preferences. In many cases, the decision is motivated by one core goal: better sleep.

Quality sleep is foundational to emotional regulation, mental health, physical well being, and sexual desire. When sleep deprivation becomes chronic, it can negatively affect mood, patience, libido, and relational satisfaction.

Why Do Couples Choose to Sleep Separately?

Sleeping separately is not inherently harmful to a relationship. In fact, for some couples, it can be protective. Chronic sleep disruption often leads to irritability, resentment, and emotional withdrawal. When partners are exhausted, even small conflicts can feel overwhelming, and intimacy often suffers.

Research consistently shows that poor sleep is associated with lower relationship satisfaction and reduced sexual desire. When a sleep divorce allows one or both partners to rest more deeply, they may show up more present, patient, and emotionally available during the day.

Is Sleeping Separately Bad for a Relationship?

Sleeping separately is not inherently harmful, but it can become problematic when it happens without intention, communication, or shared understanding. When one partner moves to another room without discussion, the sleep arrangement can take on unintended meaning. For some, it may feel like rejection, avoidance, or a signal that something is wrong in the relationship, even if the original motivation was simply the need for rest.

What matters most is not whether partners share a bed, but how the decision is made and how it is emotionally held within the relationship. When sleeping separately is a mutual, collaborative choice, it is often experienced as supportive or even relieving. When it feels unilateral or unspoken, it can quietly erode trust and emotional safety.

Partners also bring their own attachment histories, expectations, and beliefs about closeness into sleep arrangements. For individuals who associate bedtime with connection, comfort, or reassurance, sleeping apart may trigger feelings of distance or abandonment. Others may experience sleeping separately as a necessary boundary that allows them to function better emotionally and physically. Neither response is wrong, but both need to be acknowledged.

Ongoing emotional connection is what protects relationships when sleep patterns change. Without intentional efforts to maintain closeness, couples may lose important moments of daily intimacy, such as debriefing at the end of the day or waking up together. Over time, the absence of these rituals can create a sense of parallel lives rather than shared ones.

Sleeping separately becomes a concern not because of physical distance, but because of emotional disconnection. When couples remain curious about each other’s experiences, check in regularly, and create new ways to connect, separate sleep can coexist with a strong and intimate relationship.

Can a Sleep Divorce Improve Intimacy?

For many couples, sleeping apart improves intimacy indirectly by reducing stress and fatigue. When partners are well rested, they often have more capacity for emotional connection, physical affection, and sexual desire.

A sleep divorce can be especially helpful during certain life stages. New parenthood, perimenopause, menopause, chronic illness, and high stress periods can all disrupt sleep. In these contexts, prioritizing rest can help couples preserve closeness rather than erode it.

Some couples also find that sleeping separately reduces pressure around sex. When the bed is no longer the default location for intimacy, partners may become more intentional and creative about connection. This can actually enhance desire for some people.

When Can Sleeping Separately Create Emotional Distance?

Despite its benefits, a sleep divorce can introduce challenges. For some partners, sharing a bed represents safety, attachment, and reassurance. Sleeping apart may trigger feelings of rejection, abandonment, or fear that intimacy is fading.

Physical closeness before sleep and upon waking is often a key time for connection. When partners lose these moments without replacing them intentionally, emotional distance can grow. Over time, couples may find they are spending less unstructured, intimate time together.

A sleep divorce can also become a way of avoiding unresolved conflict. If partners retreat to separate rooms during periods of tension without addressing underlying issues, sleeping apart may reinforce disconnection rather than support repair.

How Does a Sleep Divorce Affect Sexual Intimacy?

Sexual intimacy is influenced by context, routine, and opportunity. When partners no longer share a bed, spontaneous sexual encounters may decrease. For some couples, this feels like a loss. For others, spontaneity was already rare due to exhaustion, stress, or mismatched schedules.

Importantly, sexual intimacy does not have to originate in the bedroom at bedtime. Many couples benefit from reframing intimacy as something that can happen intentionally rather than spontaneously. However, this requires communication and planning, which can feel vulnerable or awkward at first.

As a sex therapist, I often remind couples that libido is sensitive to energy, stress, and emotional safety. If sleeping separately improves rest but intimacy declines, the solution is not necessarily to abandon the sleep arrangement, but to strengthen intentional connection elsewhere.

Is It Normal to Feel Disconnected When You Don’t Sleep Together?

It is common for partners to have different emotional reactions to a sleep divorce. One partner may feel relief, while the other feels hurt or worried. Both experiences are valid.

What matters is creating space to talk openly about the meaning each partner assigns to sleeping together or apart. Without these conversations, assumptions can fill the gaps, often in unhelpful ways.

Normalizing the need for sleep while also honoring the need for connection helps couples navigate this transition with less shame or defensiveness.

How Can Couples Stay Intimate If They Sleep Separately?

If partners choose to sleep apart, there are many ways to protect and nurture intimacy.

First, create intentional connection rituals. This might include cuddling before one partner leaves for their room, spending time together in bed before sleep, or starting the day with shared time and affection.

Second, talk explicitly about sex. Couples benefit from discussing how and when intimacy might happen rather than assuming it will occur naturally. Planning sex does not make it less meaningful. For many couples, it reduces anxiety and increases follow through.

Third, maintain physical affection outside of sleep. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and non sexual touch throughout the day reinforce closeness and desire.

Fourth, check in regularly about how the arrangement is working. A sleep divorce does not have to be permanent. Needs change, and flexibility helps couples adapt without feeling stuck.

Finally, address the underlying issues that led to sleeping separately. Whether it is snoring, anxiety, pain, or hormonal changes, seeking medical or therapeutic support can improve both sleep and intimacy.

When Should Couples Seek Professional Support?

If sleeping separately has led to increased conflict, emotional distance, or concerns about intimacy, working with a couples counselor or sex therapist can be helpful. Therapy provides a space to explore attachment needs, communication patterns, and sexual concerns without blame.

In therapy, we help couples navigate changes in sleep, desire, and connection with compassion and curiosity. A sleep divorce is not a sign of failure. It is often a sign that a couple is trying to care for themselves and their relationship in the midst of real life challenges.

The Bottom Line: Can Sleeping Separately Support a Healthy Relationship?

A sleep divorce can be healthy, neutral, or challenging depending on how it is approached. Prioritizing sleep is not selfish, and sleeping separately does not mean intimacy has to disappear. With communication, intention, and flexibility, many couples find that sleeping apart actually strengthens their relationship.

Intimacy is built through presence, care, and emotional safety, not just proximity at night. When couples attend to both rest and connection, they are better equipped to sustain closeness over time.

The Invisible Load Women Carry and Its Impact on Sexual Desire

The Invisible Load Women Carry and How It Impacts Libido

Many women come into therapy saying some version of the same thing: “I love my partner, but I just don’t want sex anymore.” Often this concern is quickly framed as a problem of low libido, hormonal imbalance, or individual dysfunction. But emerging research and clinical experience tell a more nuanced story. Low sexual desire in women is frequently connected to the invisible load they carry in their relationships and daily lives.

As Chicago sex therapists, we view sexual desire not as something that exists in isolation, but as deeply influenced by emotional, relational, and social context. One important factor that often goes unnamed is the mental and emotional labor women perform every day, both inside and outside of their relationships.

What Is the Invisible Load?

The invisible load refers to the ongoing mental and emotional labor required to manage daily life. This includes remembering appointments, tracking schedules, anticipating needs, managing household logistics, and emotionally monitoring the well being of others. Unlike physical chores, this labor is often unseen, unmeasured, and unacknowledged.

In many heterosexual relationships, women take on a disproportionate share of this mental load. Even when both partners work full time, women are more likely to be the ones who remember what needs to be done, plan ahead, and ensure things do not fall through the cracks. This constant cognitive effort requires attention, emotional regulation, and mental energy.

Over time, carrying this invisible load can lead to chronic stress and exhaustion. These states are not fertile ground for sexual desire.

How Does the Invisible Load Affect Sexual Desire?

Sexual desire is sensitive to stress, fatigue, and relational dynamics. When a woman is mentally tracking everyone’s needs and responsibilities, her nervous system often stays in a state of vigilance. Desire, however, tends to flourish in states of safety, relaxation, and connection.

Research supports this connection. A growing body of literature suggests that women who perceive household labor as unfair or who feel overly responsible for managing domestic and emotional tasks report lower sexual desire for their partners. When one partner feels like the manager of the relationship or household, attraction can shift into resentment, fatigue, or emotional distance.

In our therapy sessions, we often hear women describe feeling more like a caretaker than a partner. When someone feels responsible for organizing life for another adult, it becomes difficult to access erotic energy. Desire struggles when the relational dynamic feels imbalanced.

Why Unequal Labor Changes How Partners Are Seen

One key insight from recent research is that unequal divisions of labor can change how women perceive their partners. When a partner is experienced as dependent or disengaged from responsibility, it can reduce feelings of attraction. Sexual desire is closely linked to how we experience our partner emotionally and relationally.

When a woman feels she must remind, manage, or oversee her partner’s responsibilities, the relationship can begin to resemble a parent child dynamic rather than an adult partnership. This shift can make sexual connection feel forced or unappealing, even when love and commitment remain strong.

Importantly, this is not about blame. These patterns are often rooted in broader social norms and gender expectations rather than conscious choices. Still, their impact on intimacy is real.

The Role of Gender Norms and Heteronormativity

The study informing this discussion introduces what is referred to as a heteronormativity theory of low sexual desire. This framework suggests that traditional gender roles contribute to women’s diminished desire in heterosexual relationships.

Cultural expectations often position women as caregivers, organizers, and emotional managers. Men, on the other hand, may be socialized to focus less on relational and domestic labor. Over time, these patterns create inequities that quietly erode desire.

This perspective challenges the idea that low libido is primarily a biological or psychological flaw within women. Instead, it reframes low desire as a reasonable response to unequal relational demands and chronic mental load.

Why This Is Not Just About Doing More Chores

It is tempting to reduce this conversation to a checklist of tasks. While sharing physical chores matters, the invisible load goes deeper than who does the dishes or laundry.

Mental labor includes anticipating needs, planning ahead, noticing what needs attention, and carrying the emotional weight of responsibility. Even when partners help with tasks, women often remain the ones who notice, assign, or remind. That cognitive responsibility itself is exhausting.

This ongoing mental effort keeps the brain in problem solving mode. Desire, by contrast, often requires the ability to be present, embodied, and receptive. When mental load is high, it becomes difficult to transition into a sexual mindset.

How Mental Load Impacts the Body

Chronic mental load activates stress responses in the body. Elevated stress hormones can dampen sexual desire and make arousal more difficult. Fatigue, irritability, and emotional depletion further reduce interest in sex.

Many women describe wanting to want sex, but feeling disconnected from their bodies. This disconnection is not a lack of desire so much as a nervous system that has not had the opportunity to rest.

From a therapeutic perspective, this highlights why advice focused solely on technique or scheduling sex often falls flat. Without addressing the underlying mental and emotional load, desire cannot be forced back into existence.

What Helps Restore Desire?

Addressing low desire related to invisible load requires relational change, not just individual effort.

First, conversations about fairness and responsibility are essential. Partners benefit from openly discussing not only what tasks are being done, but who is holding the mental responsibility for them. Feeling seen and validated in this labor can reduce resentment and emotional distance.

Second, redistributing both visible and invisible labor can help restore balance. This includes shared ownership of planning, remembering, and anticipating needs, not just helping when asked.

Third, emotional connection matters. When women feel supported rather than managed, appreciated rather than taken for granted, emotional safety increases. Desire is more likely to emerge in relationships where both partners feel like equals.

When to Seek Support

If mental load and unequal responsibility are affecting intimacy, working with a sex therapist can help. Therapy offers space to unpack these patterns without blame and to develop more equitable and connected ways of relating.

Our team of Chicago sex therapists help couples and individuals understand how desire is shaped by stress, gender roles, and relational dynamics. Low libido is often a signal, not a failure. It points toward areas where balance, support, and mutual care are needed.

Sexual desire thrives when emotional labor is shared, mental load is reduced, and relationships feel like partnerships rather than obligations. When the invisible becomes visible, intimacy has room to return.