How Can Play Bring Back Intimacy in Adult Relationships? Insights from a Chicago Sex Therapist
Adulting is a tough task. Between everyday stressors, work, household tasks, and other responsibilities, people often find themselves missing the playfulness and creativity they may have once held near and dear to them. Some folks may notice that relationships become more serious and lose their spontaneity. Sex therapists who emphasize the importance of play often get asked, “What does it mean to play as an adult?”
It is easy to think about play as something unique to childhood. However, play is a vital ingredient to adult development as well as emotional and erotic intimacy. As certified sex therapists, one of our favorite things to do is to help partners rediscover their sense of play to rekindle closeness, laughter, and sexual desire. Keep reading to learn more about why play is important, what often holds couples back, and how therapy can help.
What Does ‘Play’ Mean in Adult Relationships?
When talking about play, it is easy to imagine a young child playing pretend, or someone playing a game, but it can be hard to pinpoint exactly what it means to play. The National Institute for Play explains that play is an experience that brings people joy and pleasure. Play can encompass so many different things for different people and in different areas of life.
Many people understand that play builds critical skills for children, like creativity, problem-solving, emotional regulation, critical thinking, and more. Research suggests play and creativity can enhance these same skills in adults! Playfulness in adults promotes relaxation, creative problem-solving, innovation, and stronger relationships, while helping reduce anxiety and burnout.
It is important to note that when talking about playfulness in adults, therapists are not talking about immaturity. There is a difference between the two, with playfulness and creativity emphasizing emotional safety, trust, and mutual consent.
Play in adult relationships doesn’t have to mean engaging in a sexy card game (although it can!), but more often it exists through creativity, imagination, and mutual engagement. In relationships, a playful connection can be seen through emotional intimacy, like shared humor and spontaneous gestures, and sexually by flirting or exploring new fantasies. Sex therapists often remind couples that not all play is about being silly. Many times, it is about being emotionally present and connected to partners.
Why Playfulness Often Fades in Long-Term Relationships
Clients often ask, “Why don’t we feel playful anymore?” or, “When did things become so serious for us?” The most common factors that contribute to this fade are stress, routines, emotional distance, shame, or fear of rejection. There are also cultural messages and expectations around what it means to be an adult, which can make being playful feel “childish” or shameful.
The combination of any number of these factors can disconnect partners from the playful and creative parts of themselves, making it hard to access or feel awkward to reintroduce. When couples lose the ability to be playful, they often lose the spontaneity in their intimacy as well. In therapy, we can examine the ways play has dimmed and explore the patterns that dampen desire.
How Play Can Deepen Emotional and Sexual Intimacy
As previously mentioned, play allows people to relax and simply find joy in their day. This creates the perfect setup for curiosity, humor, and presence, which are all important pieces of fostering a secure connection with partners. When entering into this playful space, partners share with each other that they feel safe to be themselves, which builds trust and emotional intimacy. This creates a space for feeling connected and being our most vulnerable and unmasked selves. This playful energy can be brought out in simple ways, like shared laughter or flirting.
Play can also aid in the strengthening of sexual intimacy. Sometimes sex can be awkward, or it can feel so serious that it is clouded by pressure and anxiety. When partners are playful, stress levels and anxiety lower, allowing them to be more in the moment with those around them and reducing the need to perform. If partners feel safe and connected to one another, it allows them to be more present and authentic, which often leads to increased desire and intimacy in relationships. A 2024 study found that couples with a positive sense of humor regarding their sex life felt closer and even felt more satisfied in their sex lives.
As Chicago sex therapists, we find play is a wonderful tool that can help couples move from pressure and perfectionism towards connection and pleasure.
Common Barriers to Play in the Bedroom
Some of the most common obstacles to feeling playful in the bedroom include:
These can feel very challenging to navigate, and many couples in Chicago who visit our practice feel uncertain about how to ‘lighten up’ around sex after years of stress or conflict. But no one has to do it alone! A trained therapist can help explore these barriers safely and build more playfulness into a couple’s relationship.
How a Sex Therapist Helps Couples Rediscover Play
Some therapists integrate play, art, and other creative methods into traditional talk therapy to create a space where curiosity, laughter, and experimentation are welcomed. One of the best things about using play with couples is that it allows folks to express themselves differently and communicate about sex in a new way. If talking about sex feels uncomfortable or has led to conflict, sex therapists can help couples use play to increase humor and approach the conversation differently. Many times, the goal is to remove the pressure that has been created around sex.
Sex therapy can help partners explore the emotional blocks that inhibit play and collaborate with them to slowly introduce small ways of engaging in playfulness together. Together, therapists can help couples work on reframing shame and learn ways to communicate about sex without judgment. Once a space has been created where it feels safe to be playful and creative, partners can explore creative ways to boost sexual intimacy. Sometimes this will look like couples creating a shared list of erotic fantasies, and other times it may include non-goal-oriented touch activities. It can also look like drawing or sculpting the parts of oneself that are present in sexual contexts, which can be very helpful for couples when looking to deconstruct sexual shame.
For couples seeking a sex therapist in Chicago who understand both emotional connection and sexual dynamics, our practice offers specialized sessions to rekindle intimacy through play.
Simple Ways to Bring More Play into Your Relationship
Here are a few tips you can try to integrate more play into a relationship:
Flirt like you did when you first met
Have a spontaneous dance party
Use humor to defuse tension
Play a “yes, and…” game to practice curiosity
Schedule “unstructured” time to connect
Try something new (new class, new activity, new restaurant, etc.)
These tips are not one-size-fits-all, nor are they exhaustive. Couples therapy can support partners in finding more tailored suggestions, and can make experimentation feel safer and more meaningful.
When to Seek Support from a Sex Therapist
Some common signs that partners may need help rekindling playfulness include:
Intimacy feels like pressure
Conversations about sex often lead to conflict
One or more partners feel disconnected
Partners are feeling stuck with sex or the relationship
The relationship feels like the spark is gone
Therapy can offer the tools to communicate and explore play and creativity safely together. If partners feel like the playfulness and connection have dimmed, working with a sex therapist can help to rediscover joy, creativity, and passion together.
TLDR
Play is an essential part of emotional and sexual intimacy in relationships. Play is not just something people do, but is a state of being that is focused on joy and pleasure. It is the cornerstone of creativity and spontaneity in relationships and promotes a more authentic way of connecting with one another. Oftentimes, playfulness fades in adulthood for a number of reasons. Rediscovering play in a relationship can help couples reconnect through curiosity and laughter, creating a lasting bond.
If you’re ready to reignite playfulness and connection in your relationship, our team of Chicago sex therapists and relationship counselors can help you take the first step. Request a free consult here!
