What is DTR? How to Define the Relationship and When to have the Conversation

Dating is an exciting experience that often comes with uncertainty. A common challenge while dating is the need to define the relationship, otherwise known by the slang term “DTR”. Making sure you and any potential partner are on the same page is integral to the success of the relationship. The DTR conversation is a pivotal moment where the people involved in the relationship get to discuss and establish expectations, commitments, intentions, and desires. It can help the individuals involved gain clarity and avoid misunderstandings, laying the groundwork for a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship. This article provides guidance on how to approach DTR conversations, what to discuss, and the appropriate timing for this important discussion. 

How do you have a DTR conversation? 

When most people think of a DTR conversation, they envision a casual dating scenario transitioning into a long term, monogamous relationship but this does not necessarily need to be the case. The only unifying trait of all DTR conversations is the ultimate result, but the desire to ensure everyone is on the same page about the future of the relationship.  

Bringing up the DTR conversation can be nerve racking because of the uncertainty. No one wants to be rejected and having a DTR conversation risks rejection and conflict. Unfortunately, if you would like the relationship to continue, the DTR conversation is inevitable.  

Once you feel ready to have the conversation, you may not necessarily know how to go about it. Here are some tips for fostering an effective conversation:

Find a comfortable, private space without distractions.

This is an important conversation that deserves everyone’s full attention, so having a private and comfortable space helps to set the tone.

Be genuine and honest.

Being vulnerable is scary but if you cannot be open and honest, it is unrealistic to expect that you will get full honesty in return.

Avoid making assumptions.

It is tempting to try to “mindread” what someone else is thinking or feeling about you when you have not had the opportunity to hear those thoughts from them firsthand. The danger of making and expressing those assumptions, however, is that if they are wrong it could insult the person or complicate the conversation.

Use “I” statements.

Framing your thoughts and questions from your own perspective and emotions can prevent coming across confrontational or accusatory. 

What do you need to discuss in a DTR conversation? 

Once you have an idea of how to prepare for this conversation, you might be wondering what you need to discuss specifically. Topics to consider touching on include:

• Exclusivity and/or monogamy. Discuss whether you want to be exclusive and monogamous or practice some form of non-monogamy.

• Commitment level. Decide what level of responsibility you have to each other and what committing means. Are you looking for something serious and long term or casual and short term? What responsibility do you expect from each other?

• Relationship goals. It is important to express to each other what you envision in your future and how a partner would - or would not - ideally fit into your life. Some people, for example, want marriage and/or kids, while others see themselves casually dating for the foreseeable future. Understanding each other’s short and long term goals will help ensure you are on the same page about the future of the relationship. 

The timing for the conversation is unique to each relationship. Oftentimes DTR conversations occur once an emotional connection and/or romantic feelings have developed. Ideally, these conversations happen as soon as possible to open up the line of communication and promote clarity. 

Similarly to the timing, the script you use will depend on your relationship dynamics and the level of comfort between you and your partner. That being said, here are some conversation starters:

“I have really been enjoying spending time with you. I would love to sit down and talk about where we see this relationship going.”

“I feel uncertain of where our relationship is headed and it would be helpful to talk about it with you so we can both get clarity.”

“I value our relationship and want to make sure we are on the same page. Can we have a conversation about what we both want and expect from this?” 

Communication is a fundamental part of any healthy relationship and the way your DTR conversation goes can be an indicator for how compatible your communication styles are. There is no right or wrong answer, so listen to your gut and keep in mind what you want; if you get a disappointing answer from your partner in a DTR conversation, you do not need to settle. If you are unsure of what you want or how to figure it out, consider speaking with a therapist.    

What is Gaslighting? What to know about gaslighting and how it can impact relationships

The popularity of the internet meme phrase “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” in 2021 brought the term “gaslight” into the zeitgeist. The meme, in conjunction with the trend of armchair psychology on TikTok, allowed conversations about gaslighting to quickly gain traction. Despite what the flippancy with which the phrase is tossed around might lead you to believe, “gaslighting” is a type of emotional abuse. Gaslighting is a “covert type of emotional abuse in which the bully or person who gaslights misleads the recipient, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality.” Though this abusive dynamic is most often connoted with romantic relationships, it can happen in any type of relationship.

For example, partner A shares with partner B that they are uncomfortable when partner B flirts with people when they go out together, a gaslighting response from partner B may be “I don’t flirt with other people, you’re just being paranoid.” When partner B denies and deflects their behavior, they make partner A doubt their perception of reality, which makes it near impossible to ever have a healthy or productive conversation within this type of dynamic. 

When gaslighting happens repeatedly, the recipient starts to doubt their own memories, perception of reality, and sanity, making them lose self-confidence and become more dependent on the abusive partner. The most insidious part of gaslighting is that making someone doubt their own reality means the recipient will struggle to even recognize when it’s happening. This article will discuss the various forms of gaslighting, how to recognize it, and how to respond when someone denies your experience.

Types of Gaslighting and What to Look Out For

Gaslighting is a name for a general manipulation tactic that all serves the same goal of making the recipient question their reality, but there are different tactics gaslighters use to accomplish this. Understanding the different ways gaslighting appears can help you recognize it easier. Here are some of the ways that gaslighters may engage with people: 

• Denying that certain events happened or certain conversations took place.

• Minimizing and invalidating someone’s needs and requests.

• Isolating the recipient from their support system to solidify the person who gaslights’ control over them. Often achieved by using a veil of apparent support for the recipient by saying something like “I don’t think your friends have your best interests at heart,” falsely positing the person who gaslights as a protector from “harmful” people. 

• Lovebombing. While not exclusive to gaslighting, a general abuse tactic that often shows up in conjunction with gaslighting, is the cycle between abuse and love bombing. Lovebombing is when the person who gaslights showers the recipient in attention and love, usually when the recipient is starting to have doubts about the relationship, to make them want to stay and believe the person who gaslights will change.

• Constantly criticizing the recipient to make them call into question their judgment and ability to accurately assess situations and decisions.

Commonly used phrases by people who engage in gaslighting may include:

• "I never said that."

• "I did that because I love you."

• "You're being overly sensitive."

• "If you loved me, you would..." 

• "You're being delusional."

• "You are just insecure."

• "That never happened.

• "It's not that big a deal."

• "You're just being paranoid." 

A major sign that you might be being gaslit is constantly experiencing confusion, uncertainty, and self-doubt in the context of a relationship. If you suspect you are being gaslit, remember you are not to blame for being the target and when you’re ready, there are steps you can take to address what’s happening.  

How to Respond to Gaslighting 

Once you suspect you are being gaslit, it’s difficult to know how to approach the subject with the person who gaslights and react to the situation overall. Here are some important steps to take:

1. If you are hoping to salvage the relationship, here are some key phrases you can use to inform your conversation with the person gaslighting: 

• “My feelings are valid. I don’t appreciate you telling me I’m too sensitive” 

• “I know what I saw”

• “When I share a concern with you, it’s hurtful when you try to invalidate me instead of trying to engage in a conversation about it”

Before the conversation, internally establish what your goal is and what you want to convey. Be prepared to set boundaries, maintain your ground when it’s called into question, and even walk away if the person is not being receptive.

2. Start documenting, whether through pictures, voice notes, or written notes, the instances that make you suspect you are being gaslit. You can also document your experience of an event that you think might be met with gaslighting in order to have a tangible record of what happened in case it’s denied later by the person who gaslights.

3. Talk to someone trustworthy, ideally who knows both parties involved, to get perspective on the situation and, if they spend time with you often, they might be able to corroborate your recollections that are being denied. 

4. Make a safety plan if you do end up needing to sever ties with the person who gaslights. This might include a list of safe places to stay, emergency contacts, and self-care ideas to help you cope.

5. Speak to a therapist if that’s an accessible option for you. Working with a therapist can help you recognize what’s happening a bit more objectively and help you make a plan on how to handle the situation going forward.

In a healthy relationship, both parties should be open to discussing concerns and hurt feelings without worry that they will be invalidated. If someone you suspect is gaslighting you is not willing to hear out your feelings and acknowledge your reality, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship. There are many reasons someone might gaslight others, including both intentional and unintentional roots of the problem, but the impact on the recipient is more important than the intention. Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse and recipients should strongly consider seeking professional help to handle the situation.         

What To Do When Your Partner Loses Their Erection: 6 Ways to Respond

Intimacy is a vital component of a healthy romantic relationship, and sexual intimacy plays a significant role in many partnerships. However, it's not uncommon for individuals to experience challenges with their sexual health, including erectile dysfunction or difficulties with erections. If you find yourself in a situation where your partner loses their erection, it's important to respond in a supportive and understanding manner.

How do I deal with my partner’s erectile dysfunction? 

Here are some healthy ways to respond when your partner loses their erection:

Practice Compassion and Understanding

Is ED a reason to break up? It's crucial to remember that experiencing difficulties with erections is not uncommon and can happen to anyone. Erection issues can stem from a variety of reasons, including stress, anxiety, fatigue, medical conditions, or simply random occurrences. It's essential to approach the situation with compassion and understanding rather than judgment or frustration. Avoid blaming or shaming your partner, as it can worsen the situation and create emotional distress. Instead, be empathetic and let your partner know that you understand it's a common occurrence and are there to support them.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

So, how do people feel when they can’t get it up? Open communication is vital in any relationship, and it becomes even more crucial when it comes to sexual health. Encourage your partner to communicate openly about their feelings, thoughts, and concerns regarding their lost erection. Listen attentively without interrupting or making assumptions. Avoid making negative comments or belittling their experience. Instead, offer reassurance and express your support. Remember, your partner may already feel embarrassed or disappointed, so it's essential to create a safe space for them to share without fear of judgment. 

Reframe the Situation

When your partner loses their erection, it's easy to interpret it as a failure or a reflection of their attraction to you. However, it's important to reframe the situation and see it as a temporary setback that does not necessarily indicate their feelings for you. Remind yourself and your partner that sexual performance is not the sole measure of intimacy and connection in a relationship. Unless this is communicated, performance anxiety could escalate. Emotional and mental connections are equally important. Shift the focus from the physical act to the emotional bond and intimacy you share and emphasize that you are still connected despite the temporary challenge.

Offer Support or Solutions

You may wonder if a man with erectile dysfunction could ever satisfy a partner. If your partner is open to it, offer support and explore potential solutions together. However, it's important to approach this with sensitivity and respect for your partner's comfort level. Avoid pressuring them or imposing solutions without their consent. Instead, discuss options such as seeing a healthcare professional, trying different sexual activities, or exploring relaxation techniques together. Encourage your partner to seek medical advice if they are concerned about their sexual health, as underlying medical conditions can sometimes affect erectile function. Remind them that seeking help is a sign of strength and not weakness.

Be Patient and Understanding

Your partner is most likely already wondering how to overcome their ED anxiety. Dealing with a partner's lost erection can be frustrating and disappointing, but it's important to remember that patience is key. Avoid expressing frustration, disappointment, or anger towards your partner, as it can exacerbate the situation and create emotional distance. Instead, be understanding and patient. Reassure your partner that you are not disappointed or upset with them and are there to support them through this challenge. Be willing to step back from sexual activities and focus on other forms of intimacy, such as emotional connection, affection, and closeness.

Prioritize Self-Care

Coping with your partner's lost erection can also be emotionally challenging. It's important to prioritize your own self-care during this time. Take care of your emotional and physical well-being, and seek support from trusted friends, family, or a sex therapist. Engage in activities that help you relax and manage stress, such as getting regular exercise, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. Remember that taking care of yourself allows you to be better equipped to support your partner in a healthy and understanding manner.

Takeaway

Can erectile dysfunction ruin a relationship? Only if you let it. At the end of the day, sexual intimacy is a personal and sensitive aspect of any romantic relationship, and it's important to approach it with kindness, patience, and understanding. By responding healthily and supporting your partner through their challenges with erectile function, you can strengthen your bond, deepen your emotional connection, and foster a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Remember that relationships are built on trust, love, and understanding; facing challenges together can ultimately strengthen your partnership. So, be there for your partner, be understanding, and work together towards finding solutions that work for both of you. With mutual support, empathy, and patience, you can navigate this situation healthily and positively!