Consent, Communication, and Compersion, Oh My! A Guide on How to Open Your Relationship

Compulsory monogamy is the expectation that many, if not all, of us have grown up around. There is very little discussion about or representation of alternate romantic relationship structures. In the past few years, polyamory has become a little less foreign to the general public; however, that doesn’t mean that most people know how to practice ethical non-monogamy, also known as consensual non-monogamy or polyamory. With that in mind, this is a non-comprehensive guide on how to get started with opening up a relationship.

Some Key Terms

Before talking about the how, we need to talk about the what.    

• Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

• Metamour: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship

• Primary/nesting partner: In a hierarchical ENM relationship, the person (or persons) in the relationship with the highest degree of involvement or entanglement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance.

• Polyamory/ethical (or consensual) non-monogamy: when someone is in romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people at once. Does not necessitate marriage, like polygamy does.

• Polygamy: more of a legal term, this refers to the practice of specifically marrying more than one person. Often religiously affiliated. Not interchangeable with polyamory.

• Open: at least one person in a committed relationship is open to sex with other people; does not involve a romantic aspect. "Open" has evolved to become used as an umbrella term for all non-monogamy.

• Swinging: when couples exchange partners.

• Monogamish: when a couple is mostly monogamous with occasional extracurricular experiences.

• Relationship anarchy: relationship anarchists believe in judging the value of relationships on a case by case basis, independent of sexual relationships, as opposed to how society tends to value sexual relationships over platonic relationships.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of all polyamory-adjacent terms but it’s a good start. An important distinction as well is polyamorous vs. open relationships. The New York Times offers a wonderful explanation of the difference between open relationships and other forms of polyamory. In short though, polyamory (as in the relationship structure, not the self-identifier) means that multiple people are romantically and/or sexually involved at the same time. Open relationships are when at least one partner is free to explore outside the relationship and often function for solely sexual purposes as opposed to romantic. All open relationships are a form of polyamory, but not all polyamorous relationship are open, such as in the instance of a closed triad. 

Why Isn’t It Cheating? 

Ah, the million dollar question. One of the biggest stigmas that polyamorous people face is that they are overly promiscuous cheating scum. In actuality, healthy, ethical polyamorous relationships have similar standards to monogamy in that both require openness, honesty, and communication. 

Cheating is non-consensual; it is a unilateral decision to break set boundaries in a relationship. Polyamory, when done right, is a deliberate consensual collaboration in which the boundaries set, while different from monogamous relationships, similarly cannot be crossed. 

Not to mention, cheating is possible in a polyamorous relationship; for example, if the people in the relationship agree that none of them can sleep with anyone that the people in the relationship know already, and then one of them sleeps with a friend, that is cheating. 

We’ve Got the What, Now for the How

1. Research, research, and more research

   1. When you embark on the journey to open up a relationship, there is a lot to learn. Some questions you might seek answers to in your research are “what is my own comfort level with x, y, z?” “how do I mitigate jealousy?” “what boundaries will make me feel safe?” “what needs to happen to ensure mutual trust?” There are external resources at the bottom of the article.

2. Opening your relationship is not a solution

   1. If your motivation for opening your relationship is to fix existing issues, stop. It will only serve to enlarge the wedge between you and your partner. Opening up a relationship should be a conscious desire and choice, not a bandaid. 

3. Setting boundaries

   1. Before opening up the relationship, you must set boundaries and expectations to avoid inadvertently hurting someone. Note that you should be agreeing on boundaries, not rules. An explanation of the distinction can be found here. Some boundaries to consider might include who you do/do not use barrier methods with during sexual encounters, how much you share with a partner about your exploits/metamours, whether you want to meet metamours, and how shared spaces will function. 

4. The big green monster in the room

   1. Jealousy. This is what most people think of as their first objection to practicing polyamory. It will take work and patience to grapple with your jealousy, but it is definitely possible. An amazing resource for working through jealousy is The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola. 

5. Communication nation

   1. This is probably the most important tool in your relationship toolbox: COMMUNICATION. It is vital for any relationship, and that goes doubly for polyamory. While some people opt for a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about what happens outside of the relationship, this is not recommended. It allows anxiety to fester until it turns to resentment. Generally speaking, the best practice for most people is to be completely transparent about what they’re doing, with whom, for how long, practicing agreed upon boundaries.  

As was mentioned, this is not an exhaustive guide and you will need to seek out more information. Below are some resources:

• "The Ethical Slut" by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton 

• "More than Two" by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

• "Building Open Relationships" by Dr. Liz Powell

• "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating & Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino

• ConsciousPolyamory.org

• MoreThanTwo.com

• alt.poly 

• Unmarried.org

Discussing Your STI Status and Practicing Safer Sex

STIs, also known as sexually transmitted infections, are important to be aware of whether you are sexually active or not. More than 1 million STIs are acquired every day worldwide, yet there remains a stigma surrounding them and those that have them.  But shame can be reduced by learning the facts. Few STIs are life-threatening and most are treatable. Having an STI doesn’t mean that you are a ‘dirty’ person and is no different than contracting another type of infection, such as a sinus infection. Using the term ‘dirty’ is stigmatizing and hurtful. When we use the terms ‘clean’ and ‘dirty’ to describe sexual health we are implying that people with STIs are not healthy or moral people, which is not accurate and evokes shame. These terms are damaging to those who have STIs because it can make them feel as if there is something wrong with them.

Discuss Your STI Status Before You Have Sex

It can be difficult to talk to your partner about STIs, but it is an important conversation to have. Before having sex with a new partner it’s important to have a conversation about your STI status and expectations for getting tested. Even if you are using protection, such as condoms, that protect against STIs, you should regularly get tested to make sure that you are aware of your STI status. It is also critical to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to expectations for testing and safer sex practices.

It may make you more comfortable to have this conversation in a safe and private space. Make sure that you are alone and in a place where you feel comfortable to discuss private information. If you are having trouble beginning the conversation, that is okay. Some things you can ask about are your partner’s sexual history, if they typically have sex with or without protection, what barrier methods they are open to using (e.g, internal condoms, external condoms, dental dams), when was the last time they got tested and what those results were, and if they have ever had an STI before. 

Develop Healthy Sex Practices

It is important to be open with your partner about what methods you will use to prevent STI transmission during sex. Creating an agreement is critical when beginning sex with a new partner so that you are on the same page about your expectations. Continue your dialogue about STI testing and status and make it clear that you want to engage in safer sex practices to protect against the transmisison of STIs. 

To start off these conversations it can be helpful to let your partner know that you will be able to enjoy sex more if you know that you are in agreement about your sexual practices. Do you expect you or your partner to always wear a condom or use barriers like dental dams? Asking questions like these allow for you and your partner to create a clear plan together. If you are okay with them having sex with other people make it clear. It is important to be open about expectations if you and your partner are going to be sexually monogamous or not.

Get Tested

The most important thing you can do after having an open conversation with your partner is to get tested. The CDC has extensive recommendations for how often you should get tested based on gender identity, sexual orientation, and number of sexual partners. However, it is recommended that you get tested with each new partner so that there is total transparency. Many are unaware of the “window period”, the time it takes for an STI test to read as positive after it is transmitted. While some STIs only take a week to show up in a test, others may take up to four months.

Find a Testing Site Near You

STI and Sexual Health Hotlines

Lower-risk activities

If you or your partner has an STI, or if you are not comfortable having sex right away, Planned Parenthood has a comprehensive list of lower-risk activities to be sexually intimate with another person. Some of these activities include outercourse, all sexual acts other than vaginal intercourse, and mutual masturbation, but for a comprehensive list, visit Planned Parenthood’s website.  

Remember that having an STI is nothing to be ashamed of. The best thing you can do is to encourage an open dialogue with each new partner and get tested regularly. There are a variety of options available for those who have an STI. There are treatments such as antibiotics and antiviral drugs that can help with symptoms and in some cases get rid of the infection. If you test positive for an STI remember that you are not alone. There are many resources to help you manage the outbreak.

"How Are You?" - The Question No One Knows How To Answer Right Now

Previously, “How are you?” seemed like a fairly innocuous question. Usually the phrase serves as a synonym for hello or hi. Not in 2020. Today, a simple “hello, how are you?” has become a loaded question. In more predictable times, this question might receive an automatic “good” and then the conversation moves on to something else. Now, the question is much more complicated. What would happen if you answered it honestly? If you are struggling right now, it’s okay. Don’t be afraid to let your loved ones know it.

There isn’t a single person on the planet who has not been affected in some way by COVID-19. Everyone is having to give up something or shift their routines  that may bring them comfort or security. Would it be helpful to openly talk about it? No one person’s problems are more important than another’s. During this time, no one is burdening another with their issues. Share your struggles, discuss ways you have been learning to adjust and try to find inspiration from others’ experiences. We’re all in this together. 

If you’re unemployed, you’re far from alone. Talk about it, tell people what you’re going through in filing for unemployment. They may be in the same place you are soon, and it will be helpful to know what to expect. If you’ve had to cancel a major event such as a wedding or religious ceremony, talk about what has gone into that, inspire people to take the situation more seriously in order to avoid future sacrifices of the same nature. 

It’s okay to not be okay. That’s true at all times, but now in particular. Everyone is struggling in some way, and it helps to talk about it to know we aren’t alone. When someone asks “How are you?” make that the whole conversation, not just the beginning.