4 Myths About Consensual Non-Monogamy Debunked

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for relationships in which partners consent to engaging in romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple people unlike cheating which is non-consensual. There are many subtypes of relationships that fall under this umbrella including open relationships, relationship anarchy, and throuples. People practice non-monogamy for reasons that are as unique as each individual. A few examples are sexual fulfillment, a desire for new experiences, or beliefs and value systems.

How common is consensual non-monogamy? Why is it so misunderstood?

Non-monogamy is more common than most people think. Findings suggest at least 5% of Americans are currently in a non-monogamous relationship, while about 21% of Americans report having been in a non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, within a mononormative society, non-monogamy tends to be a misunderstood practice. This article aims to dispel some of the myths surrounding non-monogamy which perpetuates unfair stigma.     

Misconceptions About Consensual Non-Monogamy

Myth: Non-monogamy is a free for all and normalizes cheating.

When practiced ethically, non-monogamy is not the same as cheating because everyone involved is knowingly consenting to the arrangement. Cheating is when a person in a relationship unilaterally makes a decision to break an agreement they have made with their partner so it is not the same. Furthermore, many non-monogamous relationships do have boundaries like monogamous relationships do, they just differ in contents. Note that it is important to note the difference between boundaries and rules; in short, boundaries dictate your own behavior (if you do x, I will do x), while rules attempt to control the other person’s behavior (you may not do x). 

Myth: People in non-monogamous relationships do not experience jealousy.

Jealousy is a natural, morally neutral human emotion. Non-monogamous relationships often bring up jealousy primarily because they go against social conditioning. When you have been told your whole life that true love and commitment can only exist between two people, it makes sense to feel jealous when you are trying to operate differently. It is okay to feel jealous, but non-monogamous people often have to do work to unlearn their conditioning to mitigate jealousy. Even the most experienced non-monogamous people grapple with jealousy sometimes and the key to making non-monogamy work is how you handle jealousy. With communication, self-reflection, and teamwork, jealousy is absolutely a navigable obstacle.    

Myth: Non-monogamy is for promiscuous people who do not want to commit.

Commitment is not defined by exclusivity. Commitment is about making promises and following through with action to nurture and build a relationship, whatever that means to the people within it. That is entirely possible in a non-monogamous context. Non-monogamous people are not commitment-averse, they are often multi-committed. 

Myth: Non-monogamous relationships are unhealthy.

As a relationship structure, non-monogamous relationships - similarly to monogamous relationships - are as healthy as the people practicing it. Some characteristics of a healthy relationship are trust, openness, boundaries, and mutual respect, all of which are possible to achieve within a non-monogamous context. 

Takeaway 

Non-monogamy is a valid form of relationship that is not inherently better or worse than monogamy. Unfortunately, misinformation about it perpetuates stigma and harmful myths. At the end of the day, it is up to each individual to determine what relationship structure works best for them and that choice is not a reflection of morality. If you are trying to determine what type of relationship makes the most sense for you, consider seeking professional help from a trained therapist. There are resources below for further learning about non-monogamy.   

Resources for Further Learning

• The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton 

• More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

• ConsciousPolyamory.org

• MoreThanTwo.com

• alt.poly 

• Unmarried.org

• Poly.land

• Polysecure by Jessica Fern and Eve Rickert

• The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola 

• When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships by Elisabeth Sheff

Meeting your Partner's Partner: What to expect when you meet a metamour?

Metamour is a term relating to non-monogamy that refers to your partner’s partner. Whether or not you’re interested in meeting your metamour(s) is a personal decision for each individual and each polycule. Wanting or not wanting to meet a metamour are both valid decisions. That being said, consider practicing some self-reflection either way about the motivations behind your decision. If you do want to meet a metamour is it, for instance, because you want to exert control over their relationship with your partner? If you don’t want to meet them, is that discomfort rooted in insecurity or anxiety about your relationship? Knowing your motivations will provide you more insight into where your boundaries and comfort zone lie. Additionally, familiarizing yourself with your motivations can allow you the space to share and process those feelings with your partner so everyone is on the same page. For those who are interested in meeting a metamour, this article will serve as a guide for what to expect and address common concerns about meeting a metamour. 

As intimidating as the idea of meeting a partner’s partner is, the great news is that you already have something in common: caring about your partner! Furthermore, one of the most useful parts of meeting a metamour for many non-monogamous people, especially those who struggle with jealousy, meeting a metamour is one of the best ways to disrupt the idealization of them in your head that often makes them feel more threatening to you. Meeting them humanizes them.

Regardless of how secure you feel in your relationship, meeting a metamour for the first time is almost always nerve wracking. Here are some tips to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone involved:

1. Meet in a neutral location like a cafe or a park rather than someone’s home so that no one has the “home advantage.” 

2. Have an idea of how much time you’d like to spend with your metamour. Nothing has to be scheduled in stone, but having an idea of when you’ll part ways to process the meeting might help soothe your nerves and avoid awkwardness around the departure. 

3. Make plans with your partner both to talk about how the meeting went and, separately, something fun you can do together to nurture your connection.

4. Understand that your metamour is probably just as nervous as you and, if it would assuage your nerves, you can express that nervousness upfront. For example, you could say something like “Hi, I’m so glad we’re finally meeting! Full disclosure I’m feeling a bit nervous but I’m excited to sit down and get to know you better.”

5. Think about what relationship logistics you want to talk about with your metamour. You’re not obligated to do so but if you want to talk about things like safer sex practices, boundaries, and needs, you should plan what you want to express ahead of time so you can do it as reasonably and respectfully as possible.

There are a variety of possibilities for how your relationship with your metamour will develop, if at all, beyond the first meeting. You might end up best friends, or maybe just coexist peacefully and separately. The most important part is that everyone involved is communicating openly about their needs and boundaries. There is no one size fits all way to navigate this so if you’re being transparent with one another, you have the tools to tailor the experience to your specific dynamic.