What to Know Before Opening Up Your Relationship: A Guide to Consensual Non-Monogamy

Curiosity about consensual non-monogamy (CNM), sometimes called “open relationships,” “swinging,” or “polyamory” has grown significantly in recent years. Many couples ask themselves: Could this work for us?

As Chicago relationship and sex therapists, we often work with couples exploring CNM for the first time. Some are motivated by adventure, while others seek new ways to deepen honesty and intimacy. Opening a relationship requires intentional planning, self-reflection, and clear communication. Here’s what you should know, and how therapy can help.

What is Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM)?

Consensual non-monogamy refers to relationships in which all partners agree that romantic or sexual connections outside the primary partnership are allowed. Consensual non-monogamy can take many forms, each with its own set of dynamics, boundaries, and emotional considerations. Common types include:

• Open Relationships: Partners maintain a primary emotional bond but may engage sexually with others outside the relationship.

• Polyamory: Emotional or romantic relationships with multiple partners are permitted, with the consent of everyone involved. This can range from hierarchical structures (primary and secondary partners) to more egalitarian networks of relationships.

• Swinging: Couples engage in sexual activities with others, often socially or in organized events, usually without forming romantic attachments.

• Relationship Anarchy: Individuals form relationships based on personal preference rather than predefined labels or hierarchy. Agreements are flexible and based on mutual consent.

• Solo Polyamory: Individuals have multiple romantic or sexual relationships without a primary partnership, prioritizing independence and autonomy.

• Hierarchical vs. Non-Hierarchical Polyamory: Some polyamorous arrangements include a “primary” partnership with secondary relationships, while others treat all partners equally, depending on each couple’s values and needs.

• Hybrid or Custom CNM Structures: Many couples develop personalized agreements that blend different CNM models to fit their unique needs, such as limited sexual exploration outside the relationship or emotional openness without sexual involvement.

Each type of CNM comes with different emotional and logistical considerations. Understanding which structure aligns with your values, comfort level, and relationship goals is a crucial first step.

Why Couples Explore CNM

People explore CNM for different reasons: to expand sexual experiences, test personal or relational boundaries, or increase honesty and intimacy in the relationship. Each couple’s agreements and structure may be unique, so understanding your motivations before starting is crucial.

Key Considerations Before Opening Your Relationship

Understanding Your Motivations

Ask yourselves why you want to explore CNM. Are you looking to:

• Explore sexual variety?

• Deepen emotional intimacy?

• Challenge personal or relational limits?

Being clear about your intentions can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings later.

Preparing for Jealousy and Emotional Responses

Jealousy is common, even in consensual non-monogamy. Anticipating and discussing it before it arises makes it more manageable. Consider:

• What triggers feelings of insecurity?

• How do you typically respond to jealousy?

• What support do you need from your partner when jealous feelings arise?

Cultivating Compersion

Compersion, feeling joy when your partner experiences pleasure with someone else, is a skill that can grow with practice. Start by noticing moments when your partner enjoys intimacy with others and consciously acknowledging those moments without judgment.

Communication Strategies for Open Relationships

Clear, ongoing communication is essential. Topics to discuss include:

• Boundaries: What is allowed and what isn’t?

• Frequency: How often will external relationships occur?

• Disclosure: How much will you share about outside partners?

• Safe sex: How will you protect yourself and each other?

Setting Agreements

Every CNM relationship benefits from clear boundaries. Some examples:

• Only engaging sexually while using barrier methods.

• Not introducing external partners to your home or children.

• Limits on time spent with other partners.

These agreements create structure and safety, not restrictions. They are flexible and can evolve with time.

Who Consensual Non-Monogamy May Not Be For

While CNM can be fulfilling for some couples, it’s not a solution for every relationship. Certain circumstances or personality traits may make non-monogamy more challenging or even harmful. CNM may not be a good fit if:

• You have unresolved trust issues: If trust is fragile or past betrayals haven’t been processed, adding external partners can intensify anxiety and conflict.

• You struggle with jealousy management: Feeling intense or frequent jealousy without the tools to process it can create distress rather than growth.

• You or your partner are exploring CNM as a “fix”: Using non-monogamy to solve ongoing relationship problems, like low desire, poor communication, or emotional distance, usually leads to disappointment rather than resolution.

• You have incompatible values: If one partner is opposed to CNM or has strong beliefs that make participation emotionally unsafe, it can undermine the relationship.

• You’re not ready for ongoing communication: CNM requires continuous, honest conversations about boundaries, desires, and emotional responses. Without willingness to engage in these discussions, the experience can be destabilizing.

A sex and relationship therapist can help you explore whether CNM aligns with your values, readiness, and relationship goals. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, we provide guidance to ensure that couples make informed, intentional choices about opening their relationship.

How a Sex Therapist Can Help Before Opening Up

Clarifying Intentions and Goals

A therapist can help each partner explore their motivations, values, and expectations for CNM, ensuring that the choice aligns with both individual and relational goals.

Preparing for Emotional Challenges

Therapy provides tools to anticipate and manage jealousy, anxiety, or unexpected emotional responses that may arise in non-monogamous arrangements.

Improving Communication Skills

Couples learn strategies for expressing needs, negotiating boundaries, and discussing feelings in ways that promote trust and intimacy rather than conflict.

Providing a Safe, Neutral Space

CNM conversations can bring up intense emotions. A relationship therapist offers a neutral, supportive space to explore desires, fears, and boundaries without judgment.

Practical Steps to Start Exploring CNM

Self-Reflection Exercises

Take time individually to explore your comfort levels, emotional triggers, and desires. Journaling or therapy sessions can provide clarity.

Setting Clear Agreements with Your Partner

Write down boundaries, rules, and expectations together. Revisit them regularly as feelings and needs change.

Starting Small and Low-Risk

Begin with low-risk experiences, such as discussing fantasies or attending social events without sexual involvement, before diving into sexual encounters.

Regular Check-Ins and Adjustments

Frequent check-ins allow each partner to express feelings, renegotiate boundaries, and make adjustments to agreements as necessary.

Recommended Resources

Educating yourself through books, podcasts, and communities can help normalize experiences and provide guidance:

• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

• Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

Common Questions About CNM

Is Jealousy a Sign CNM Isn’t Right for Me?

Not necessarily. Jealousy is a natural emotion. What matters is whether you can process it constructively, discuss it openly, and support each other through it.

How Can I Practice Compersion?

Start small. Notice your partner’s joy with others and acknowledge it without judgment. With practice, this can grow into genuine feelings of happiness for your partner’s experiences.

What If My Partner Wants CNM but I Don’t?

Differing desires are common. Therapy can help explore feelings, negotiate boundaries, and determine whether CNM is compatible with your relationship.

TLDR

Consensual non-monogamy can be fulfilling for some couples, but it requires preparation, self-awareness, and communication. Working with a sex therapist can provide guidance through jealousy, compersion, boundaries, and emotional challenges, ensuring that your relationship remains strong and connected.

If you and your partner are considering CNM or are navigating challenges in an open relationship, therapy at Embrace Sexual Wellness offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore desires, set boundaries, and build emotional resilience.

Is Sexual Fantasy Healthy? How to Use Fantasies to Boost Desire and Intimacy

As a Chicago sex therapist, one of the most common questions I hear is: “Is it okay to fantasize?” This question often comes with a mix of curiosity, shame, and worry. For some people, fantasies come easily. For others, fantasizing feels foreign, awkward, or even off-limits.

The reality is that sexual fantasy is a completely normal and healthy part of sexuality. Whether you’re single, in a long-term relationship, or exploring intimacy after a change in life stage, fantasy can play an important role in reconnecting with desire and pleasure.

In this article, we’ll explore why sexual fantasies matter, how they can benefit your intimacy, and practical ways to start fantasizing if it doesn’t come naturally to you.

What Is a Sexual Fantasy?

A sexual fantasy is simply a thought, image, or scenario that creates erotic excitement. Fantasies can range from imagining a romantic, sensual moment with a partner to envisioning scenarios that you would never act out in real life.

Importantly, fantasies are not the same as real-life desires. Many people fantasize about situations they would never want to pursue outside of their imagination. This is one reason why fantasies can be so freeing: they’re a mental space to play, without consequences.

Why Do People Fantasize?

Research shows that nearly everyone has sexual fantasies, regardless of gender, age, or relationship status. Fantasies serve many purposes, including:

• Stimulating arousal: Fantasies can help the body respond when desire feels low.

• Reducing anxiety: Focusing on an erotic image or story can quiet distracting thoughts that interfere with sexual pleasure.

• Exploring identity: Fantasies allow people to try on different roles or explore aspects of themselves in a safe way.

• Enhancing partnered intimacy: When shared (with consent and comfort), fantasies can spark new conversations and closeness in relationships.

The Benefits of Fantasy for Your Sexual Health

For many of our clients, fantasy becomes a tool for healing and growth. Here are some of the benefits we often explore in sex therapy:

Reducing Performance Pressure

If you struggle with anxiety during sex, fantasies can help you shift focus away from “Am I doing this right?” toward erotic imagery that feels exciting. This mental shift can make it easier to stay present and experience pleasure.

Boosting Sexual Desire

Fantasies can reignite interest when desire feels flat. They work like a spark for your erotic imagination, offering new ideas and sensations that the body can respond to. This can be especially helpful for couples navigating loss of intimacy or low libido.

Enhancing Partner Connection

While not all fantasies need to be shared, some couples find that talking about them creates intimacy and trust. Even if you never act out the fantasy, sharing it can help you and your partner better understand each other’s inner worlds.

Healing from Shame and Dysfunction

For those dealing with sexual dysfunction, trauma, or shame, fantasy can be a safe entry point into sexual exploration. Imagining a pleasurable scenario provides a sense of control that real-life intimacy sometimes lacks.

How to Start Fantasizing

Not everyone finds fantasizing easy. Some people worry they “don’t have an imagination,” while others feel blocked by shame or religious or cultural beliefs. If that’s you, here are some steps to begin experimenting with fantasy:

1. Start with Memory

Think back to a time when you felt desired, attractive, or deeply connected. Replay that memory in your mind and allow it to expand into a new imagined scenario.

2. Use Your Senses

Fantasies don’t need to be cinematic. Start by imagining touch, sound, or smell that excites you. For example, the warmth of skin, the sound of breath, or the scent of your partner’s cologne.

3. Try Erotic Media

Erotic short stories, romance novels, or audio erotica can help spark ideas when your own imagination feels blank. Reading or listening can lower the pressure of “making up” something yourself.

4. Focus on Themes, Not Scripts

Instead of creating a detailed storyline, think about a theme that excites you, like adventure, seduction, or tenderness. Let the details fill themselves in naturally.

5. Release Judgment

Fantasies often don’t align with real-life desires, values, or behaviors. That doesn’t make them wrong. Your imagination is a safe place to explore, with no rules.

Common Questions About Fantasy

Is it normal to fantasize about things I don’t want in real life?

Yes. Most people fantasize about scenarios they wouldn’t act on. Fantasy is symbolic and exploratory, not a blueprint for your actual choices.

What if I can’t fantasize at all?

This is more common than you think. Sometimes, anxiety, depression, or trauma makes fantasizing difficult. Working with a sex therapist can help you explore these blocks in a supportive way.

Will sharing fantasies with my partner hurt our relationship?

It depends on how you share them. Approach the conversation with curiosity, not pressure. If your partner isn’t interested in hearing or acting on a fantasy, that’s okay. Talking about fantasies is about connection, not performance.

When to Seek Support

If fantasizing brings up guilt, shame, or confusion, or if you find yourself unable to access fantasies at all, therapy may be a helpful step. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, we help individuals and couples explore fantasies, reconnect with intimacy, and work through concerns like low libido, sexual dysfunction, and loss of desire. You can read more about our work with erectile dysfunction and loss of intimacy, both of which can benefit from integrating fantasy as part of treatment.

TLDR

Sexual fantasy is a natural, healthy part of human sexuality. It can reduce anxiety, boost desire, and bring new energy into your intimate life. Whether you’re imagining something tender or something bold, fantasies offer a private, safe space for pleasure and exploration.

If you’re ready to explore your erotic imagination but aren’t sure where to begin, remember: fantasy is a skill you can practice. And if you need support along the way, our team of Chicago sex therapists at Embrace Sexual Wellness is here to help and are licensed to practice in Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Idaho and Louisiana.

Why Do I Feel Shame Around Sex, and How Can I Overcome It?

Why Do I Feel Shame Around Sex, and How Can I Overcome It?

Shame around sex is something many people carry quietly, sometimes for years. Maybe you find yourself pulling away from intimacy, feeling anxious in the bedroom, or avoiding conversations with your partner because sex feels too uncomfortable to talk about. You may even wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

The truth is, nothing is wrong with you. Sexual shame is incredibly common and it can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, or relationship status. At Embrace Sexual Wellness, many of the individuals and couples we work with come to therapy because shame has created distance in their intimate lives. And while shame can feel heavy, it’s also something you can work through with the right support.

In this post, we’ll explore why so many people experience shame around sex and what you can do to begin moving toward healing and self-acceptance.

Understanding Sexual Shame

Sexual shame is the feeling that your desires, your body, or your experiences of intimacy are “bad,” “dirty,” or “wrong.” It’s often rooted in messages we’ve internalized, sometimes so deeply that we don’t even realize they’re there.

These messages can sound like:

• “Good girls/boys don’t do that.”

• “Men should always want sex.”

• “Wanting pleasure makes you selfish.”

• “Talking about sex is embarrassing or inappropriate.”

Over time, beliefs like these create a cycle of guilt and silence. Instead of experiencing intimacy as something natural and enjoyable, you may approach it with anxiety, fear, or self-criticism.

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?

Shame around sex usually doesn’t appear out of nowhere— it’s shaped by the environments and systems we grow up in. Here are some of the most common sources:

Family and Early Upbringing

If you grew up in a household where sex was never discussed, or where it was framed as “dirty” or “bad,” those early messages can stick with you. Even if no one said the words directly, a lack of conversation can signal that sex is something to feel secretive about.

Religion or Cultural Beliefs

Many people grew up in religious or cultural settings where sex was tied to morality. You may have been taught that certain desires are sinful, or that sex outside of marriage is wrong. These beliefs can cause lasting conflict between your values and your natural curiosity or desire.

Societal Expectations and Gender Roles

Society sends strong, often contradictory messages about sex. Men are expected to always be ready for intimacy, while women are often shamed for wanting it “too much.” For LGBTQIA+ folks, kinky communities, or people in non-traditional relationships, the stigma can feel even heavier.

Past Trauma or Negative Experiences

Experiences such as sexual trauma, betrayal, or even painful early encounters can reinforce shame. When intimacy becomes linked with fear or hurt, it makes sense that you might struggle to feel safe, open, or confident in your body.

How Shame Affects Your Intimacy and Relationships

Sexual shame doesn’t just stay in your head. It can ripple into every part of your intimate life and affect your relationship. Some ways it might show up include:

• Avoidance of intimacy: You may pull away from your partner or avoid sex entirely.

• Performance anxiety: Worrying about “doing it right” instead of being present.

• Difficulty communicating: Feeling embarrassed or fearful about sharing your needs.

• Disconnection in relationships: When shame blocks honesty, it often creates distance.

• Low desire or arousal: Shame can shut down your body’s natural responses.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These struggles are exactly why many people seek out sex therapy to untangle the shame that gets in the way of connection and pleasure.

How to Begin Overcoming Sexual Shame

Healing from sexual shame takes time, but it is possible. The goal isn’t to erase the past, but to create new experiences that allow you to feel safe, authentic, and connected in your intimacy. Here are some steps that can help:

Recognize the Source

Start by noticing where your shame comes from. Was it an early message from your family? A cultural or religious teaching? A negative experience? Simply naming the source of shame can loosen its grip and remind you that it doesn’t define you.

Challenge Shame-Based Beliefs

Ask yourself: Is this belief true, or is it something I was taught to believe? For example, “I shouldn’t talk about what I like” can be reframed as “Sharing my desires helps my partner understand me and creates deeper intimacy.”

Practice Self-Compassion

Healing requires gentleness with yourself. If shame shows up, try replacing self-criticism with kindness and compassion for yourself. Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is common and that you’re allowed to want pleasure and connection.

Communicate with Your Partner

Shame grows in silence. While it may feel scary, opening up to your partner about your feelings can reduce isolation and build trust. You don’t need to share everything at once; start small and notice how honesty shifts the dynamic between you.

Explore Mindfulness and Body Awareness

Shame often pulls you out of the moment and into self-judgment. Practices like mindfulness, grounding, or breath work can help you reconnect with your body in non-judgmental ways, making it easier to stay present during intimacy.

Seek Professional Support

Sometimes shame feels too heavy to navigate alone. Working with a sex therapist can give you tools, guidance, and a safe space to process your experiences. Therapy can help you rewrite the story you’ve been told about your sexuality and build new, empowering narratives.

How Therapy Can Help with Sexual Shame

We specialize in helping individuals and couples who are struggling with sexual shame, low desire, and intimacy challenges. In therapy, you’ll find a supportive space where nothing is “too much” or “too taboo” to talk about. Our therapists use evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and mindfulness to help you:

• Untangle shame from your sense of self

• Identify and shift shame-based beliefs

• Rebuild intimacy and trust with your partner

• Learn healthier ways to express needs and desires

• Move toward confidence, pleasure, and connection

Shame doesn’t have to define your intimate life. With support, you can replace shame with self-acceptance and begin creating the fulfilling connections you deserve.

TLDR

If you’ve ever thought, “Something is wrong with me because of how I feel about sex,” you are not alone. Shame around sexuality is incredibly common, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. With compassion, awareness, and support, you can learn to let go of shame and reclaim intimacy as a source of joy and connection.

If you’re ready to start this journey, our team of sex therapists are here to help. We see clients in-person at our Chicago office and virtually in Illinois, Indiana, Idaho, Louisiana, and Kansas.

Schedule a free 10-minute consultation today and take the first step toward healing your relationship with intimacy and yourself.