7 Mindfulness Basics to Bring Into Your Intimate Relationships

The practice of mindfulness is rooted in Buddhist teachings, as well as recognized in other indigenous and Eastern traditions. Applied to our busy lives, practicing Mindfulness means we are able to dwell in a state of noticing and acceptance with compassion before acting or reacting. Jon-Kabat Zinn, who has been researching mindfulness through meditation since the 1970s, explains how Mindfulness practices can get us out of a Me-focused state of mind by cultivating an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally.”  Mindfulness practices literally change the way electrical energy in the brain fires! Over time and with practice, Mindfulness practice can improve focus, self-awareness, memory, compassion, immune function, anxiety and depression. 

How does Mindfulness Apply to Intimate Relationships?

Health and wellness is a relational issue, and relationships have a significant impact on our health and wellness. It’s no surprise then that research is mounting in recent years in support of relationship mindfulness. Mindfulness has been studied as a way to increase overall health, increase empathy, improve sexual intimacy, reduce conflict, and even regulate cortisol levels among couples. Relationship mindfulness can help couples reign in conflict before getting out of control, decrease anxiety that comes with sexual intimacy, and help partners implement the common desire for more intention in their relationships.

If you’ve been in relationship with anyone for any significant amount of time - including family, friendships, and lovers - you might know what it is like to get to a place where action and reaction becomes the go-to response in conflict, or even the busy day-to-day routines. If you have been feeling un-noticed, un-seen, disconnected and misunderstood (or if your partner has expressed these feelings), relationship mindfulness may be the refresh you and your partners need.

7 Relationship Mindfulness Basics

Relationship mindfulness can be a formal activity, like taking a yoga or meditation class together. It can also be sprinkled into any informal activity you do with partners. Whenever you want to apply Mindfulness to relationships, there are a few things to keep in mind and activity suggestions to help you practice with intention and, hopefully, JOY!

1. Practice relationship mindfulness with specific intention

Practice makes perfect and Mindfulness takes practice! Use the suggested activities below and keep your Mindfulness Practice sacred by leaving out high-conflict issues. Hopefully, you quickly get to a place where those issues can be mindfully addressed, but make your beginner practice time enjoyable and nourishing of your relationship. We suggest putting unresolvable topics that may come up during practice into the “parking lot”, which may be a notebook or phone notes that you bring with you to a therapy session at Embrace Sexual Wellness.

2. Pay attention with all of your senses

Notice what comes up for you in your thoughts or your body during relationship mindfulness practice. Pay attention to the body language and tone of your partner. Notice what feels good and say it out loud, or simply describe what you sense about your environment. Maybe any one small statement can become an exploration together. For example, you might take a bite and say “This bite tasted sweet,” and end up deconstructing flavors with your partners, talking about the best desserts you’ve ever had, and planning your next adventure to the new cupcake shop in your town! 

Not everything we notice feels good. See if you can sit with discomfort when it arises, and share it with your partner if that feels safe. If conflict arises that feels too big, put it in the parking lot, take a small break, and refocus your attention on what you see, smell, taste, hear, and feel. Prioritize your comfort and that of your partner during this activity.

3. Be curious, not judgy

Share and listen to the observations that you and your partner are sensing without judgement. Try to see your experiences and thoughts through a lens of curiosity, like you might do with a stranger who is not familiar with anything in your world. Investigate your partners’ observations with care and compassion. When self-criticisms arise, recognize that they are a part of a complex construct of messaging you have been receiving for a very long time, and then with acceptance and compassion, be curious even for yourself. In these moments with your partner, you are not your body, or your mind. You are in a relationship that deserves kindness and nourishment. Be forgiving if your intentional relationship mindfulness practice is disrupted by conflict. It is normal and perfectly fine to rest and try again another time.

4. Be present in the journey, not the destination

Have you ever said, “I don’t need you to solve my problem! I just want to vent.”? Release the burden of solving problems and ask your partner questions that help them further explore. If you find your partner trying to solve your problems, you can express gratitude for their concern, or use it as a point of curiosity to find out more about them! (i.e. “that’s an interesting idea, what made you think of it?”).

5. Slow down and breathe between thoughts

Before you answer a question, take a breath. If your partner is pausing, give them all the time they need to form thoughts. Silence is a perfect alternative to talking. We all process differently and some of us need time to think through or we begin to feel anxious and say things that are inauthentic. Be confident in your partner’s ability to be accountable for their own communication when given the space to do so, and in the meantime, breathe and notice what is going on in your own body.

6. Connect with your partner physically

Brittany Jakubiek, author of several studies on touch during couple conflict says that “touching reminds couples that they are on the same team.” Jakubiek found that touch reduces stress and conflict behaviors between couples. Although this is not specifically mindfulness practice, consensual touching is a valid method of communication between partners.

7. Plan a low conflict activity

Not every activity on our list will feel like the right fit for you with your partner, and there are infinite ways to create a mindful experience together. Depending on where you are at in your partnership, discuss what feels safe and enjoyable for both of you. Start small and time-limited if you are often in high conflict, and work with a therapist to navigate parking lot issues.

• Share a meal at a new place. Talk about the flavors, texture, and presentation of the food. Notice the aromas, colors, and atmosphere of the environment. People watch, describing body language and co-creating stories of the people you see.

• Take a bath together. Discuss boundaries ahead of time regarding sexual intimacy. Focus on the sensations of water, and use bath oils or bath bombs to add sensation.

• Walk with each other. Walking is proven to reduce anxiety, and walking outdoors has been shown to increase the meditative state. High-conflict couples may benefit from just walking without discussion as a way to share space. Couples could also use walking to hold more challenging conversations, paying attention to anxious feelings in the body and walking through the discomfort before reacting to it.

• Spoon-Breathing. Even as infants laying on our caretakers’ chests, our physiological systems respond to the rhythm of another person’s heartbeat and breath with synchronicity. In early days of dating, many couples find themselves laying side-by-side and co-regulating their breath. Spooning, foreheads touching, or laying back-to-back, relax enough to sync-up your breath for as long as it’s comfortable, feeling your partner’s body and energy alongside yours.

• Sensation play (sexual and non-sexual). Using props with different textures (think feathers, chains, ice, hot wax, fingertips, etc.) ask your partner for consent to touch where it feels pleasurable and safe. Pay attention to their reactions, ask exploratory questions, and check-in with how they are feeling. When it’s your turn to be touched, focus on the sensation of touch and communicate for more or less as desired. Negotiate clothing, sexual intention, and off-limit areas of the body before beginning play. This activity does not imply sexual intimacy and should be consensual the entire time.

Consider these mindfulness tips to help you generate more presence in your intimate relationships! If you need additional support in getting started, Embrace Sexual Wellness can help!

Talking Finances With Your Partner? 7 Tips For Productive Money Conversations

Communication is a crucial tool in sustaining healthy relationships. That means communicating about often complicated topics like money - how much you have, how it’s spent, and your financial goals. Financial stress is the second most common reason for divorce in the U.S., so being on the same page as your partner with finances is important at any stage in a relationship.

Money doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and often bleeds into other parts of our lives. Even without an involved partner, managing finances and debts can feel isolating and high pressure. It’s easy to create strain in any intimate relationship, especially romantic partnerships. A 2021 study by Yoon G. Lee and Lesli Dustin found that “financial stress had a significant and negative impact on financial satisfaction,” meaning that money troubles considerably  “decreased the level of financial satisfaction among married individuals.” Interestingly, even though the study was not primarily focused on financial communication and stress, it ended up being “a dominant factor” throughout.

This is where open and honest communication comes in!

Whether you’re making a long-term plan or resolving a more urgent financial matter, here are a few ways to approach and navigate money conversations with your partner.

1. Be proactive

When should you talk about finances in a relationship? You don't have to wait until a big purchase or you’re overwhelmed to talk about money. Even if you don’t come away with a solid plan, opening up the conversation beforehand can serve as practice for when finances really need to be sorted out. And who knows? You might find the conversation finds solutions before something even becomes a problem.

2. Make it a date

Agree on a semi-regular time and place to check in on finances with your partner. Planned “life admin” dates ensure that both you and your partner have the capacity to pay full attention to the topic. It doesn’t have to be stressful - you can even pick a financial theme, like spending goals or retirement planning, and discuss it over dinner. If you’re short on time, working a money conversation into a pre-planned date can be just as effective!

3. Be clear and assertive with your needs

Honesty is the best policy - it’s a cliche for a reason. Lay out your current and ideal financial situations together. Talk about how yours compare to your partner’s, and break down what it takes to achieve your shared financial goals step-by-step.

4. Remember to stay open-minded

Not everyone has the same views on money. When talking about finances with a boyfriend, for example, you might have a 30-year savings plan for retirement underway and he may have different financial priorities. 

Additionally, upbringing often shapes spending habits, so get on the same page about both of yours. They don’t have to be the same, but they do have to be communicated and approached respectfully. Be open to meeting in the middle.

5. Take baby steps

Some money puzzles can’t reasonably be solved in a night, so it’s a good idea to check in with each other. It’s okay to stop if either of you become overwhelmed and need a break to regroup. Some questions to ease into the topic can be as simple as, “How much do we both make?”, “Do you have student loan debt?”, or “How many credit cards do you have open?” These can slowly open up deeper conversation.

6. Enlist outside help

If you have the means and need another head helping, talk to a financial planner or try couples therapy with specialized relationship therapists. Their experts will help create a personalized plan for you and your partner - think of them as a friendly mediator. Walking through your money histories with a neutral outside source can help you and your partner understand each other’s habits and goals through different perspectives - and create new ones, too.

7. Remember you’re on the same team

You and your partner want to figure out all this financial stress together - that’s why you’re navigating these conversations in the first place! As triggering as money can be for some people, try to keep collaboration in mind to avoid arguments and further strain.

These are just a few examples you and your partner can keep in mind while talking about finances. Money can feel like a daunting topic, so remember that financial success in a relationship comes from clear communication and mutual respect - much like finding success in many aspects of a relationship. Ultimately, reframing arguments around money into productive, respectful conversations will strengthen your relationship in the long run.

What is Rainbow Washing ?

The pervasive nature of capitalism is such that it pounces on every and any opportunity to monetize content, and “pinkwashing” is a great example of this. Pinkwashing, sometimes also referred to as rainbow washing or pink capitalism, is a term that describes the commercialization of the LGBTQ+ movement and culture, especially surrounding Pride Month. 

Ranging from tasteless to blatantly harmful, pinkwashed products exploit a marginalized community’s struggle in order to make a profit. This is further complicated when it comes to organizations that go out of their way to support laws, politicians, and groups that harm queer people. For example, the telecom company AT&T covers their social media in rainbows and empty corporate slogans for Pride month while simultaneously making at least 327 donations for a total of $204,350 to anti-LGBTQ legislators since 2016 according to Corporate Accountability Action. AT&T is one of many examples of businesses showing superficial “support” for the queer community when it benefits them while going out of their way to harm it.

Another good example of the hollowness of pinkwashing is Walmart. They sell Pride merchandise and make a big deal of “Walmart PRIDE, Walmart Proud,” yet in 2015 they were sued for discriminating against queer employees by denying health insurance benefits to those with same-sex spouses. Walmart is another good reminder that these corporations do not care about the wellbeing of the people they exploit for profit.  

The problem with pinkwashing is less that the products merely exist and more so that it’s a superficial gesture that is often not backed with tangible support for the community. Unfortunately, big corporations almost never put their time and money where their mouth is because everything they do is in the interest of supporting their bottom line. The queer community isn’t the only victim of this marketing ploy either because corporations will jump on any opportunity to improve their image and churn out more products.

There is an argument to be made in favor of pinkwashing which is that even if it’s exploitative, it provides wider visibility and representation and therefore has the potential to fuel more tolerance of LGBTQ+ people in society as a whole. This, however, is simply not worth the hefty price tag of exploiting a community and its activism. Furthermore, oftentimes the merchandise in question is made to appeal to the niches within the queer community with significant purchasing power, meaning that the most marginalized people are still not being represented at all, harmfully or otherwise. The price of poor representation is far too steep to be worth the trade-off.   

This isn’t to say that you can never buy any Pride or queer related products but, if you’re able, try to patronize small, queer-owned businesses instead of large corporations. Here are some suggestions to get you started: 

• TomboyX (clothing + underwear)

• Wildfang (clothing)

• Feminist Apparel (clothing, stickers, mugs, bags)

• The Third Arrow (pins, stickers, cards)

• Fluide (makeup)

• PrideFlagSD (pride flags hand-sewn by queer people)

• QueerestGear (hats, patches, stickers, shirts)

• Autostraddle Shop (clothing, art prints, stickers, pins) 

• A Tribe Called Queer (clothing, candles, bags)

• Heckin’ Unicorn (earrings, pins, socks, notebooks)

Finally, keep in mind that while it’s great to want to display your pride with a piece of fun merch, especially if you’re supporting a small business, you absolutely do not have to buy anything to be part of the LGBTQ+ community or to participate in any queer events and celebrations.